I remembered back in campus,
when people question me,
"Moi. Cina kah? Mixed kah u? Campur apa?"
The normal questions received.
"Aiyo, I thought you were mixed / Sino Dusun. Dont look like Chinese leh.."
Normal responses received. Sigh.
At that time, I thought maybe because the people around me does look a lot like Chinese but aren't Chinese.
Dont get me wrong,
I am not being racist here or whatsoever,
but it is funny when people thought I am a mixed when I am actually pure Chinese.
I guess its my eyes or my fair aka pale complexion..
When I moved back to Miri for work, I thought it has ended.
Nope.
An uncle talked BM to me just now, and when I replied in Mandarin,
His shocking appearance still makes me feel funny.
His reply?
"I thought you were a Kayan! You are too fair to be a Chinese."
My reaction?
"hahahaha..."
What do you expect me to respond? -_-"'
And therefore, now I wonder.
What do those men or guys out there perceive me as?
As a Chinese or mixed or non-Chinese?
But whatsoever it is, I just wish people don get mistaken with my identity.
I am and will be a pure and not mixed.
Again, not being racist but I do get mixed feelings when people kept mistaken my identity.
Try putting yourselves in my shoes and walk with it.
You might feel funny but as time goes by, it would feel different.
Jenny~
It is almost the end of Raya holidays!
And it was fun visiting houses from houses,
and of course, the food and kuih were delicious!
But, holidays still end,
and it is working day tomorrow..
And I have been having some issues with myself..
In terms of physically and mentally..
And thus, I have come to a decision.
It is time to let go.
Let go of all the toxic food, people and memories,
that unknowingly has been killing me inside out.
I dont want to regret at the age of 30 for my health,
therefore, I strive to eat healthily now.
Been preparing vegetables for my dinner and keeping hydrated is my main goal!
Replacing sweets with fruits, and reducing intakes of junk food.
I guess it's enough of binge eating.
It's now back to controlling myself and my diet.
Exercise is also another huge step,
but let's do this slowly!
For my confidence as well as for my health.
And of course, indulgence weekend will still on,
No point of starving myself from the food I loved, right?
But the key point here is, reduce, reduce, reduce!
Toxic people.
I thought I have let go enough,
But like what one of Taylor Swift's song said,
Just because you're clean, doesn't mean you dont miss it.
I just realised the impact was far greater than I thought,
and it is affecting my life and feelings these days.
And because of that, I now strive to feel healthy feelings.
Been preparing myself to go out and meet people,
Replacing old memories with new ones, and reducing time to think about the past.
I guess it's enough of looking backwards at times.
Seeing you perfectly happy with your choice does ache me,
But I shouldn't..
We were, after all, belong to different train carriages.
You found your partner, and it's my time to find mine who would accompany me for hot chocolates throughout the journey.
I can't guarantee it, but for the meantime, I will love myself like you never did.
For my own happiness as well as for my future partner's happiness.
Key point here is, keep moving forward. What was left behind should stay behind.
This should be done in the early of the year.
But I guess it is not too late to realise,
realise that I wasnt strong after all.
And it is time to pick myself up and start anew.
Never too late to make a change.
And never too late to make myself happier each day.
Let's do this.
Jenny~
And it was fun visiting houses from houses,
and of course, the food and kuih were delicious!
But, holidays still end,
and it is working day tomorrow..
And I have been having some issues with myself..
In terms of physically and mentally..
And thus, I have come to a decision.
It is time to let go.
Let go of all the toxic food, people and memories,
that unknowingly has been killing me inside out.
I dont want to regret at the age of 30 for my health,
therefore, I strive to eat healthily now.
Been preparing vegetables for my dinner and keeping hydrated is my main goal!
Replacing sweets with fruits, and reducing intakes of junk food.
I guess it's enough of binge eating.
It's now back to controlling myself and my diet.
Exercise is also another huge step,
but let's do this slowly!
For my confidence as well as for my health.
And of course, indulgence weekend will still on,
No point of starving myself from the food I loved, right?
But the key point here is, reduce, reduce, reduce!
Toxic people.
I thought I have let go enough,
But like what one of Taylor Swift's song said,
Just because you're clean, doesn't mean you dont miss it.
I just realised the impact was far greater than I thought,
and it is affecting my life and feelings these days.
And because of that, I now strive to feel healthy feelings.
Been preparing myself to go out and meet people,
Replacing old memories with new ones, and reducing time to think about the past.
I guess it's enough of looking backwards at times.
Seeing you perfectly happy with your choice does ache me,
But I shouldn't..
We were, after all, belong to different train carriages.
You found your partner, and it's my time to find mine who would accompany me for hot chocolates throughout the journey.
I can't guarantee it, but for the meantime, I will love myself like you never did.
For my own happiness as well as for my future partner's happiness.
Key point here is, keep moving forward. What was left behind should stay behind.
This should be done in the early of the year.
But I guess it is not too late to realise,
realise that I wasnt strong after all.
And it is time to pick myself up and start anew.
Never too late to make a change.
And never too late to make myself happier each day.
Let's do this.
Jenny~
Repeat after me!
You can do it!
You have the best life ever and your job is leading you up higher!
You will have the best relationship and a guy who will loves you more than you do!
You are beautiful in your own ways!
And now, repeat this chant every day when you wake up!
This post might sound super random,
But, I came across with a book that I have read months ago..
It says that things happen because of our thoughts..
Let me put this in a simple way.
When we think that ice-cream is yummy, it will be yummy.
When we think that ice-cream is disgusting, it will be disgusting.
Basically, it is how we think about the things happening in our lives, and it will turn out just like how we think of..
In career,
When we look at our job as something depressing and difficult,
nothing will be easy..
But if we look at the bright side whereby we enjoy doing the things that we are doing, we will feel brighter and the days would pass by quickly..
A simple example, when a lecturer we love entered for lectures, time passes so fast! But when the lecturer that we dislike entered, the clock just wouldnt tick to the next minute!
In life,
If we think that we are losers and never can get to things right, then nothing is right..
But if we are confident with what we are doing and able to list out the pros and cons, then our life would be meaningful..
Life would be planned out well and eventually, we could answer people when they ask what are we doing with our lives..
A simple example? When we think that we are going to slip when going up the stage, we will slip.. But if we think positive and be confident, things will be smooth!
And last but not least,
relationship.
I have always been telling myself,
that no guys want me coz I am loud, not skinny and pretty, doesnt have those attracting smiles, doesnt talk softly like other girls, isnt the lemah-lembut type, isnt attractive and many more..
And because of that, I lack off confidence in meeting guys..
My mindset is, no guys want you. No guys look at you. You are just any of the guys' types..
And because of that as well as after my break up case, I start to treat all the guys in the world like jerks. Waiting for them to make a mistake and then, telling myself off with the famous phrase, "I told you so.."
But at the end of the day, I felt lonely.
I feel like I need someone too but no one is there.
And thus, I am changing my perceptions from today.
I am not perfect but I have my own attractions.
I have my own strength and someone out there would be able to see them as well as embrace my weaknesses.
I know there is someone out there who could accept my flaws like how I can accept his flaws.
I know there is someone out there who could complete me like a missing jigsaw puzzle.
All I need to do is believe and plant these positive mindsets everyday, (not forgetting to go out and meet ppl. P.S. I dont trust social medias =))
And therefore, yes.
I am a miracle worker in my career.
I can create my own miracles in my life.
And there is someone out there who can work out miracles together with me.
Just believe and be positive.
You can do it!
Jenny~
You can do it!
You have the best life ever and your job is leading you up higher!
You will have the best relationship and a guy who will loves you more than you do!
You are beautiful in your own ways!
And now, repeat this chant every day when you wake up!
This post might sound super random,
But, I came across with a book that I have read months ago..
It says that things happen because of our thoughts..
Let me put this in a simple way.
When we think that ice-cream is yummy, it will be yummy.
When we think that ice-cream is disgusting, it will be disgusting.
Basically, it is how we think about the things happening in our lives, and it will turn out just like how we think of..
In career,
When we look at our job as something depressing and difficult,
nothing will be easy..
But if we look at the bright side whereby we enjoy doing the things that we are doing, we will feel brighter and the days would pass by quickly..
A simple example, when a lecturer we love entered for lectures, time passes so fast! But when the lecturer that we dislike entered, the clock just wouldnt tick to the next minute!
In life,
If we think that we are losers and never can get to things right, then nothing is right..
But if we are confident with what we are doing and able to list out the pros and cons, then our life would be meaningful..
Life would be planned out well and eventually, we could answer people when they ask what are we doing with our lives..
A simple example? When we think that we are going to slip when going up the stage, we will slip.. But if we think positive and be confident, things will be smooth!
And last but not least,
relationship.
I have always been telling myself,
that no guys want me coz I am loud, not skinny and pretty, doesnt have those attracting smiles, doesnt talk softly like other girls, isnt the lemah-lembut type, isnt attractive and many more..
And because of that, I lack off confidence in meeting guys..
My mindset is, no guys want you. No guys look at you. You are just any of the guys' types..
And because of that as well as after my break up case, I start to treat all the guys in the world like jerks. Waiting for them to make a mistake and then, telling myself off with the famous phrase, "I told you so.."
But at the end of the day, I felt lonely.
I feel like I need someone too but no one is there.
And thus, I am changing my perceptions from today.
I am not perfect but I have my own attractions.
I have my own strength and someone out there would be able to see them as well as embrace my weaknesses.
I know there is someone out there who could accept my flaws like how I can accept his flaws.
I know there is someone out there who could complete me like a missing jigsaw puzzle.
All I need to do is believe and plant these positive mindsets everyday, (not forgetting to go out and meet ppl. P.S. I dont trust social medias =))
And therefore, yes.
I am a miracle worker in my career.
I can create my own miracles in my life.
And there is someone out there who can work out miracles together with me.
Just believe and be positive.
You can do it!
Jenny~
Hello July!
May this month be a good one!
And hello readers,
Haven't really been updating as I couldn't find the time and the topic to talk about..
Well, let's update!
Life,
Life is pretty good nowadays..
I got my own car and am still getting used to driving the roads in Miri,
And I hope that I am able to get used to it fast and able to go to places alone..
Other than that, life is pretty good. =)
Career,
Career is pretty hectic,
One of my innovation project was submitted by my school for a competition,
and thus,workloads as well as implementation must be done well,
I mean its my first time joining things like this as teacher,
and I do hope for success..
Other than that, it is merely hectic.
With observations and coaching for school competitions.
But opportunities kept coming my way,
especially business ones.
But will be talking on that after I got involved with it first.
Teehee.
Friendship,
Friendship is meh..
Accidentally met a long-lost old friend of mine,
and the feelings of not being remembered especially what you and him been through is a little disappointing..
But I guess, that's life.
Some people remembers you, some dont.
So why be sad about those who dont?
I am still the nice girl whose here for everyone.
But am not the dumb girl who listens to each and every complains u have about ur life, relationship and whatsoever.
I have my own filter.
Love,
Love life is empty.
Nothing.
Zero.
But I am happy.
Happy seeing my friends out on their dates.
Happy seeing them with their loved ones.
Happy to be invited to their weddings.
Happy for them.
Do I wish the same to happen on me?
Yes. One day. =)
Anyways, that's all..
Nothing much to be updated though..
May things go well in July!
Jenny~
May this month be a good one!
And hello readers,
Haven't really been updating as I couldn't find the time and the topic to talk about..
Well, let's update!
Life,
Life is pretty good nowadays..
I got my own car and am still getting used to driving the roads in Miri,
And I hope that I am able to get used to it fast and able to go to places alone..
Other than that, life is pretty good. =)
Career,
Career is pretty hectic,
One of my innovation project was submitted by my school for a competition,
and thus,workloads as well as implementation must be done well,
I mean its my first time joining things like this as teacher,
and I do hope for success..
Other than that, it is merely hectic.
With observations and coaching for school competitions.
But opportunities kept coming my way,
especially business ones.
But will be talking on that after I got involved with it first.
Teehee.
Friendship,
Friendship is meh..
Accidentally met a long-lost old friend of mine,
and the feelings of not being remembered especially what you and him been through is a little disappointing..
But I guess, that's life.
Some people remembers you, some dont.
So why be sad about those who dont?
I am still the nice girl whose here for everyone.
But am not the dumb girl who listens to each and every complains u have about ur life, relationship and whatsoever.
I have my own filter.
Love,
Love life is empty.
Nothing.
Zero.
But I am happy.
Happy seeing my friends out on their dates.
Happy seeing them with their loved ones.
Happy to be invited to their weddings.
Happy for them.
Do I wish the same to happen on me?
Yes. One day. =)
Anyways, that's all..
Nothing much to be updated though..
May things go well in July!
Jenny~
When people ask you, are you lonely?
What do you usually answer them?
Yes, I am very lonely.
No, I am perfectly fine with being lonely.
Which one?
I got asked this question last night.
Going shopping alone, eating out alone, watching movie alone, and doing things alone, don't you feel lonely?
I insisted.
I said, no. I got used to it already.
But when I was asked once more,
i unknowingly said,
yes. But can I do anything with it?
Especially with trust issue and protective sides of me.
It's not easy.
Being alone is fine.
Being lonely isn't.
I have the same wish like everyone,
to be able to find one who can complete me,
and fill in this loneliness.
But,
who am I to decide this?
~sigh~
Jenny~
What do you usually answer them?
Yes, I am very lonely.
No, I am perfectly fine with being lonely.
Which one?
I got asked this question last night.
Going shopping alone, eating out alone, watching movie alone, and doing things alone, don't you feel lonely?
I insisted.
I said, no. I got used to it already.
But when I was asked once more,
i unknowingly said,
yes. But can I do anything with it?
Especially with trust issue and protective sides of me.
It's not easy.
Being alone is fine.
Being lonely isn't.
I have the same wish like everyone,
to be able to find one who can complete me,
and fill in this loneliness.
But,
who am I to decide this?
~sigh~
Jenny~
Went out for a casual hangout with a guy friend,
something that I have not done probably in 3 years after my break-up?
But it was a good meeting and catch-up sessions..
And it somehow sparked at how indecisive I am about my future goals..
When being asked about my long term plans,
I couldn't answer directly..
I was indecisive about what I really wanted.
I wanted glory at first, and then I wanted goal,
And then I wanted a relationship but I felt like I couldn't sacrifice yet..
That was really one time that I felt I became indecisive..
I wanted everything.
I wanted to achieve what my siblings might not be able to do,
I want to be in the limelight..
But I didnt think of the next step.
After getting a masters/PhD, what's next?
After being in the limelight, what's next?
If I am determined not to be able to find the one, what's next?
If I do get married, what's next?
Who knew growing up was this difficult?
Dear 16-years old Jenny, life isn't great at 23..
Jenny~
An important date.
The date that marks the end of a phase and the beginning of another new phase...
Attended convocation on my own,
and I was proud with my achievement..
It was never an easy task,
and being awarded "First Class Honours" boosted my confidence and motivation..
And I am thankful to each and everyone who has helped me directly and indirectly...
And this post is dedicated to my teachers and lecturers..
Thank you for imparting your knowledge and constantly being there for us..
Dedicated to my friends of five and a half years,
Thank you for your help, endless sharing and information as well as tips and support during the whole period of time..
Dedicated to my roommate,
Thank you for listening to my endless talking-to-myself moments during exam, willing to discuss with such a random person with me as well as bringing me out for food which indeed is my favourite part of the memories we built as roomates..
Dedicated to my best friend,
Thank you for the endless last-minute-late-night discussions, whatsapp discussions, toilet discussions, shower discussions, and all the random places that we held discussions either about studies or relationships.. Those are the funniest, randomnest and best memories that I will always refresh you with even when I am old..
And last but not least to those whom left,
Thank you for leaving. Your absence has made me stronger and able to achieve what I have achieved today. If you guys didnt left, I might not be as successful as today.. And because of your absence, I found my presence in my successful limelight. And your absence has allowed me to seek the better me and the next best person who deserves such an awesome me.
This does not mark the end,
but the beginning into another remarkable journey in my career.
I will not stop here,
but I will embark into another new adventure.
#letsdothis
Jenny~
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