BTS. ARMY. 7th Anniversary.

I remember when BTS debuted way back in 2013 and I was in IPG at that time,

with very limited Internet connection in hostel and not knowing Youtube at the time, 

BTS was a name that was not very known by me.

I came across their music video on "Boy In Luv",

and I was mesmerized with their choreography as well as the members.

At that time, my bias was Jin. 

But that's it.

I was then fans of several other Kpop idols and the main reason of liking them was on how they looked.

Fast forward to 2017.

The year where I was struggling to keep myself afloat.

The year where I experienced dark thoughts and painful moments,

The year where my emotional side decided to take a twist,

The year where I cried the most due to insecurity,

and the year where I somehow lost myself to the wild.

I was left with no support, and nearing depression before I snapped out of it.

I remembered seeing counsellor about it,

and tried my best to stay strong while being fragile inside,

and that was when I came across BTS in my recommendation list in Youtube.

I remembered watching their "Fake Love" music video,

and I was mesmerized by the song as well as the music video.

I went and find the translation before realizing that the song clearly reflected what I was going through at that time.

I couldn't stop myself from listening to the song,

and that was when I started to fall in love with this group.

I started to listen to each and every song from their earlier albums,

I read the theories of their songs and was strengthened by each of the lyrics that depict their struggles,

as well as the conflicts that arise in their life.

Until one day, "Epiphany" was released.

I was excited as usual.

But before knowing it, I broke down in tears listening to the song.

Each line hits me hard and eventually helped me to open my eyes.

"I'm the one that I should love."

It was this song that transformed my life.

It was this song that kickstart my journey in life as an Army.

And it was this song that helped me to combat negativity and continuously move on in life.

And the rest is history.

Seeing them in tears make me feel the sadness too.

Seeing them cry on stage at the end of every era made me in tears as well.

BTS has saved me from darkness.

Their songs have pulled me out from pit of darkness and helped me to move on.

Each and every one of them are special and unique in their own ways,

just like me and you.

And their passion as well as their professionalism is something that I admire and respect.

And I want to be like them.

Always love myself, and try to be the light and bring comfort for others.

I wish to go to their concert someday and experience their love to us one day, 

and quietly wish them all the happiness no matter what happen in the future.

Thank you for bringing warmth to us.

Thank you for bringing happiness to us despite all the trials that you have went through and still going through.

Thank you for bringing comfort to us at the times when we need it the most.

Thank you for reminding us to love ourselves first before loving someone else.

Thank you for all the beautiful songs that brought tears to us.

Thank you for not giving up on us today.

Thank you, BTS.

Jenny, an Army(2017 - forever)~

Changing myself for someone?

The other day, a friend of mine was texting me and we talked about how I thought of going further in my career.

I told her my intention of getting a PhD and move forward to IPG for my career,

as I feel that I can go further in my career,

but the worries and anxiety of not being able to find the love of my life if I really go down that path trouble me till today.

That is when she said that why guys can't accept smart women or those who are able to make decisions themselves,

and often go for naive, innocent and weak girls  who submit to them and need their protection at all times.

This caught my attention which I thought of sharing my views on this matter.

I have changed myself for the sake others,

either to be liked by someone or when in a relationship.

I changed into someone who submit fully to them,

who let them make decisions for me,

who was clingy, naive and innocent,

and it backfired.

None of these guys stayed and all left,

and this made me wonder.

Why?

I changed.

I became that type of girl that you liked.

I tried to like the same things that you liked,

and you still left?

Some of my friends said that I should be myself.

Some of them told me to change some of my attributes,

try to be softer and nicer,

and it was frustrating to be someone that I am not.

I couldn't last for 3 days before my real personality comes out.

And it sucks that till today, I couldn't find someone who could accept me for who I am.

Just because I too my Masters and planning on PhD does not mean that I am smarter than you.

Just because I want to advance in my career doesn't mean that I am at the top and you are not qualify in my list.

I always thought that we girls are the most complicated human beings on Earth,

but right now, I think that guys are the worst.

If you have feelings for someone initially, then continue to pursue someone.

Don't pursue someone halfway and realised that you do not have any feelings towards her, 

and then, make her fall in love with you and then, breaking her heart.

It is because of these occurrences that made me stop thinking and pursuing for love and relationship.

I hate playing the push and pull game in love.

I hate being given so much hopes and eventually, ending in nothing.

I hate changing myself for someone else, and eventually, he left at the end of the day.

I hate the fact that advancing my quality of life means that it's over for love and relationship because of these traditional mindsets.

So can you accept me as it is?

Can you accept this woman in her late twenties who is planning to advance her career in 2 years time?

Can you accept this woman who is clingy, insecure and seek to be your only one in life?

Can you accept her for all her physical and emotional attributes that makes you think she is confident but she isn't?

Can you accept this broken soul?

Jenny~ 

Loneliness

When I was in my younger age,

I always thought loneliness refers to not having boyfriend/girlfriend.

The word "loneliness" was always related to being single,

where you obviously have no one to talk to, to share stuffs with,

someone who would be there for you during your ups and downs.

I thought that being single like me is what loneliness means.

But I was wrong.

At the current moment, I am still single and have yet to meet any suitable suitors to imagine myself to be married to.

But almost all my friends are already married or having kids,

and at times, I do envy them but at the same time, feeling relieved that I am not yet like them.

My best friend, who is now a new mom and is into the marriage for almost 3 years,

shared her feelings of being married,

in which she tried to tell her husband about her feelings and what is going through,

to receive a response, "what do you want me to do then?"

I was shocked.

As a husband, your most beloved person is trying to tell you her frustrations,

sharing her problems in exchange of some comfort words from you,

and getting such a response is a no-no.

I was sad for her, to be honest.

But I kept quiet and told her that I am angry for her sake. 

This is not how things should go in a marriage.

You should not come back home and tell someone whom you married for love that you are too tired to hear her troubles,

that you are having a difficult time yourself to manage and having to hear your other half's problems are causing you a headache.

That is what the worst type of loneliness occur to someone.

Someone who was supposed to be held on by their other half, but left hanging on her own while troubled by all kinds of new burdens at home and at work.

And I reflected on myself.

The loneliness that I went through and is still going on is nothing if compared to those who are experiencing loneliness in a relationship and in a marriage.

Not having someone to share my ups and downs doesn't seem so bad if compared to those who are being denied to be listened to.

Not having someone to feel the kind of warmth or love doesn't seem so bad if compared to those who are not experiencing love and warmth despite having their other halves beside them.

Being single and lonely seems to be better than being with someone and yet, lonely.

To those who are experiencing such loneliness,

you are not alone.

Somewhere, someone is experiencing the same thing,

and there will always be someone like me who understands.

and no matter if I know you or not,

I am here for you.

Jenny~

Future plans

Finally, my article has been published in an e-proceeding!

Well, I was supposed to present it in a conference on March,

but due to Covid-19 which causes MCO to be placed for weeks, 

I was unable to do so.

Instead, I was asked to do a recording of my presentation and submitted it online.

And wait.

The waiting part was both anxious and worrying as our names are going to be discussed on August,

in order to determine whether we are qualify or not to graduate by the end of the year.

However, graduation has been postponed to early 2021 due to Covid-19.

And thankfully, I received an email today that informed us that our papers has been published,

and our names have been submitted by our supervisors t e-repository in UKM.

And not, waiting for it to be processed as soon as possible so we can submit our completiion form,

and finally, road to convocation with ease!

So what's in store for the future?

A lot of my colleagues as well as my friends have been pushing me to go further,

to attain PhD as I am already halfway there.

And I have been putting off that idea for the sake of really enjoying my life.

I want to spend some time on myself,

bringing my family and myself to somewhere, and really make good memories together.

I want to work hard in my career,

able to bring knowledge and light to my pupils' lives.

But the longer I stayed at home during MCO and MCOC,

the more I thought about what I really wanted in the future.

And I realised that I do not want to be a primary school teacher for the rest of my life.

I wanted more.

I wanted to go higher and continue to prove my capability to others,

I want to make full use of my ability and make a difference,

a significant difference,

I want to teach people,

in particular, future generations who aspired to be a teacher,

that they are the ones who should go all the way out there to make an impact,

like what I have been taught back in IPG.

I want more.

And I'm not settling for less.

Jenny.

Current update

So, basically, I have been stuck at home for almost 2 months due to the current MCO as well CMCO.

And honestly, being at home for quite some time has been taking tolls on my mental health.

Previously, I had anxiety attacks and sudden pain as well as panic attacks at nights, 

which causes a disturbed sleeping pattern.

I would wake up in the middle of the night,

feeling panic and unable to breathe properly,

and having the fear of falling back to sleep again.

And because of that, I decided to make some changes in my life.

I decided to get engaged with exercise routine.

And I am really glad that I did.

I have been starting slow as I am not an exercise lover,

and it has helped with my anxiety a lot.

I started to sleep better,

less waking up in the middle of the night,

and less panic attacks.

I didn't realise the improvement until I stopped my exercise routine due to period.

And all the anxiety and panic attacks slowly emerge again,

which dawns on me that all the exercise routine is indeed helping me out.

And finger-crossed,

that all the exercise routines that I have been saving will eventually help me to combat my anxiety.

I really hope that it will disappear slowly,

and eventually, enable me to improve the quality of my life.

Besides that, career wise.

I have been using virtual meetings to meet and guide my pupils from time to time,

and have been joining courses with my headmaster and senior assistants.

And honestly, it felt great and honored to be able to join those modules with them,

as the new knowledge that I have gained somehow have changed my perspective on leadership.

Previously, I wanted to stay as a teacher.

Stay in this profession to continuously guide and make impact on the children,

but somehow, as I grow older,

I realised that something must be done in the higher authorities in order to create a ripple effect on the quality of education, 

and somehow, that has pushed my ambition and drive to a higher level.

Maybe its because I am still single and not being in a relationship has caused me to put my passion into my career.

And speaking of relationship,

I somehow have sort of lose a little bit of hope in this aspect.

I do still hope to get married by 30 or eventually.

But I start to slowly imagine myself working and traveling with my family and friends, 

instead of being settled down with a significant person.

I start to imagine bringing my best friend's kids around instead of my own child.

Is it wrong to lose hope on ever settling down?

Is it wrong to slowly lose hope on ever finding the one?

With the smallest hope that I am still holding one, I do hope to meet someone and eventually settle down like everyone does.

I certainly do hope.

Jenny~

Little hope

Words.
There are words that once said, it can give a huge relief and a sense of comfort.
There are words that once said, it can give a huge sadness and a sense of regret.

I have just finished watching another short series on Netflix, "The Victims Game".
I stumbled upon it accidentally while searching for something to keep me occupied when I came across it.
After watching all the 8 episodes in two days, I actually gained new perspectives on lives as well as the impact of people's words on our lives when not taken correctly.

I realised that pain and suffering could cause someone to do drastic actions,
and even having the ability to twist one's thoughts and mindsets into thinking that they are helping,
but in reality, they are actually killing someone through words.

I learn that when someone is already at the verge of self harm,
all they need is a little more hope.
A little more strength from everyone around them,
to push them to go on living.

Choosing to die in order to escape from hurt and pain from the reality might seem to be the easiest option.
But seeing your closest ones and your family break down,
grieves and cry endlessly with regrets of not being able to help,
or to lend a hand to pull you through all those dark thoughts are something that they will carry throughout their times living in this world.

After watching the series,
I realised that there are people around us who we might see as okay or happy from the outside,
these are the people who needs words of comfort,
words of support,
and hope.
They are the ones who might be hiding in those dark corners,
unable to overcome their pain and suffering,
and eventually feeling helpless,
and chose death to free themselves.
These are the people that we need to lend our hands to.
They are the ones who we always tell them to, "be strong", "don't think so much", "you're going to be fine", "you think so much" and "everyone is going through the same thing".
Those are the words that only made them smile,
while thinking that no one would know how much struggles they went through,
how much anxiety, fear, pain as well as their struggles to wake up and go through another day.

The feeling of waking up every morning,
going to work without any feelings,
and heading back home,
crying in darkness,
feeling helpless,
unable to tell anyone what we are facing,
thinking that we can't be helped anymore.
It is truly dark and horrifying being in that position.

And I believe that all of us could do a small part to help one another.
Be there for one another,
Understand what they truly need,
Listen with your heart,
And be at their side while giving strength and support.
All they need is a little more strength and hope to go on living.

Be strong.
We can make it through the darkest time and the darkest place together.
Jen.

Things you shouldn't say.

Things that you shouldn't say to a person who is struggling emotionally inside.

When someone tries to talk to you about their feelings,

you shouldn't tell him/her that he/she is the cause of your headache.

That what he/she is feeling or thinking right now is causing you frustrated.

You should never make it as if its that person's fault for feeling that way or thinking that way.

You do not know the damage that you have done to your other half.

It is not easy trying to be strong emotionally and physically.

We can hit the gym or do all sorts of workouts to make us physically strong,

but it is different when it comes to emotional well being.

You can see someone's wound physically,

but you will never be able to see someone's wound when it is inside their heart.

He/she might be smiling,

but inside, no one knows what kind of monster is being created.

How much fury and frustrations that he/she is feeling,

which would lead to negative thoughts and eventually, self harm.

I knew how it feels,

because I am in it.

No one knows how scary it is when I get anxiety or panic attacks middle of the night.

No one knows how scary it is when I can't even speak out during those attacks.

No one would understand the fear that I am still experiencing from time to time,

and how much I tried to calm myself during those attacks.

It isn't like I could control it,

nor could I defeat it at one go.

All I need is someone who could listen to me,

who could tell me that I am okay,

that I am not sick,

that everything is going to be okay.

Someone who said it not out of impatience,

but because he/she knows how it feels when those attacks are happening.

It takes just a few minutes to sit and listen.

Those few minutes would meant a lot to those including myself who is still in this battle.

Please don't blame or make us feel that we are at fault for feeling such ways.

It was never our decision to develop such feelings and fears.

We are frustrated as well,

and we also want to be free and positive like you.

Lend your ears,

Be at one another's sides during these difficult times,

and assure us that everything is going to be okay.

Everything is going to be okay.

Jen.