Towards the end of 2020

 2020 is coming to its end,

and it's time to recap back the resolutions made.

So back in 2019, my resolutions for 2020 was quite general,

and it involves the following:

1. Loving myself more.

2020 was the year where I loved myself more than anything in the sense of being happy without dependent on others.

It was also the year where I decided to remove myself from toxic situations in workplace and just be happy by doing my own stuffs in my career.

It was the year where I was determined to lose weight and eventually succeeded in losing almost 10kg within 6 months through strict diet as well as workouts.

And it was also the year where I decided to purchase my favourite boyband's merchandise instead of only seeing in in the Internet.

This is the year where I have showered myself with love and being happy, truly happy despite suffering from several anxiety and panic attacks due to the current ongoing pandemic scare.

2. To find happiness in whatever that occurs in life.

2020 was the year where I try my best to look at things in a positive view.

Despite the pandemic scare as well as the fear of going out, I find simple happiness at home just by doing house chores.

Despite how disappointing it is to be unable to meet my pupils and only interact through online meet ups, I was still happy to see them being actively involved in the lessons. 

Despite being unable to graduate this year, I am still happy that I have finally done my Masters within the time frame that I have planned for myself.

3. Always anticipate the unknown ventures. 

Honestly, I thought that 2020 would be the year where I would be flying around the country to attend courses and to deliver courses,

but instead, I met the person that unknowingly brighten up my life day by day.

I thought that 2020 would be the year where I would be flying high in my career,

but instead, I met the person that makes me want to slow down in my career for the first time.

I thought that I would be ending 2020 like how previous years were, alone,

but instead, I met the person that celebrated Christmas Eve with me and tried his best to spend time with me through outings and texts.

I never expected this,

but thank God.

Thank God for sending this person into my life despite all the crazy stuffs and pandemic scares happening day by day.

2020 had been a confusing year to all.

A year where I spent the most time at home,

A year where I decided to finally move on and spent some time to build myself up physically and emotionally,

A year where I met him.

May 2021 be a much more wonderful year to all, 

a year where the pandemic would eventually disappear,

and all of us would be back to how we have always been normally.

Jenny~

Thank God for everything.

 Thank God for everything.

Thank God for all His arrangement and his perfect timing.

Thank God that I could meet you again after five years.

I am thankful and grateful that I decided to surrender my relationship to God.

Letting Him to arrange everything and just wait for it to fall into places is the best decision that I have made.

I am thankful that I was selected as the bridesmaid for Phoebe's wedding,

if not, I would not have been so determined to lose weight and to look beautiful that evening.

I am thankful that I didn't give up on my journey of losing weight and working hard to fit in that gorgeous dress,

if not, I would have dressed as how I usually did.

I am thankful that I took the initiative to text you first after meeting you for the rehearsal,

if not, I don't think we would even talk to one another.

I am thankful that I approached you first for our first picture,

if not, I don't think we would have chatted the night away.

And I am thankful for the little things that you did for me and on how you really took care of me,

it makes me feel so warm inside knowing that you are there.

And thank you for spending Christmas Eve with me this year.

You do not know how long have I wished for this to happen.

And it finally did.

Thank you.

and Thank You God for making this wish come true last night.

Happy birthday Jesus and thank you for the wonderful gift that You have bestowed upon me.

Thank you.

Blessed Christmas to all.

May the magic of Christmas be upon all of us,

and that Covid-19 would disappear as soon as possible.

Jenny~

What a coincidence!

What a coincidence!

I didn't expect to meet you again,

I even forgotten about your existence actually,

and that was the reason of me doubting my eyes when I saw you.

Who knew you would appear at my friend's wedding rehearsal as the best man,

and I as the bridesmaid?

And honestly, it felt so refreshing to meet you again,

and the way you reminded me of tuition and the stuffs we talked together,

Gosh, 

it brought me back to those days.

Life is unpredictable indeed.

Who knew we would meet again in a wedding.

And we would be updating each other about respective lives.

What a lovely coincidence.

Jenny

Differences

I remember observing and asking myself,

why do some people change and decided to go on their own ways at a certain point of time?

Why do some people don't remain as close as they were back in those times?

And finally, today, I understood why.

There are times when I'm a little bit annoyed when friends who are married only come to me and complained about their kids,

or their marriage life,

or their other half.

There are times when I wish that they would at least ask about how I'm doing in my life and actually listen to it,

instead of asking for the sake of asking and then throw away all their problems in their married life to me.

There are times when I wish that they would listen to my woes in my life despite not being married,

instead of telling me that it's nothing or just brush it aside because apparently, my woes are not that "important" as theirs.

There are times when I was giving my fullest support to them in their career,

hoping that they are able to do better in it, 

going all out for it, 

unlocking and applying their fullest potentials that I know they had in their career,

but instead of getting motivated, replies such as, family first, I have enough of it,

I wanna do something that would make me happier, comes in.

And it's difficult.

It's difficult when we don't share the same views or perspectives in career,

it makes me feel like I'm talking too much about my career, 

or I'm too proud of my achievements which I am not.

It's difficult when we don't share the same views or perspectives in relationship and marriage,

it makes me feel like I do not have the intention to get married,

or I am too engrossed in my career that I do not want to settle down which I am not.

And because of that, 

I started to slowly change and diverting my path a bit to my way now.

I guess it's time to grow up.

It's time to walk the path on my own now.

Jenny~

Sorry? Okay.

I'm sorry for hurting you.

I'm sorry if I have hurt you.

Both started with the word, "sorry",

but which one comes from the heart?

If you are sorry for what you have done,

you were supposed to say the first one.

But if you think you didn't do anything wrong and merely apologised for what you think was wrong,

then the latter suits you.

Honestly, 

when you said the latter to me,

I thought that this is the right time for me to again remind you on my pain,

the pain of being ghosted,

the pain of holding so much hope and eventually being let down,

the pain of not being recognized in the public despite being so close once upon a time,

and the pain of being left without any apparent reasons. 

But I erased it.

Because I have finally moved on.

There were no resentment when I read the message.

There were no more hurt or pain that I thought I would feel.

I was no longer reminded of the past,

and most importantly, I was able to carry on with my daily routine without being bothered much.

And that's why, I answered, okay.

Okay, I am no longer trapped in the loop of being hurt again and again by my own thoughts.

Okay, I am moving on.

Okay, you are now just an acquaintance that I will only reach to if necessary for career purposes.

We both have our own lives now,

therefore, okay.

I am finally done with this.

I am finally okay.

Jenny~

Get married early!

Get married early!

You are not getting younger!

Your biological clock is ticking!

You are not going to get pregnant easily if you get married late!

Aiya, don't so picky lah! Just find someone and get married lah!

2 more years and you're turning to 30 liao.

When wanna get married??

Sounds familiar?

Well, this is what I have been listening to and argued everyday in my life.

And it saddens me when I came across a post shared in Facebook,

whereby a man was commenting on how women should get married early, 

on how women who is getting older will not be wanted by any men,

on how these women who stayed single will eventually regret when seeing other women having kids at that age,

and on how these women's biological clock is ticking fast,

and on how these women will be called "andartu" or "leftover women" by then.

I was hurt and disappointed reading those comments.

and therefore, I feel like I need to share my views on this matter.

I am not sure if this man who wrote such tweets will ever come across my post, 

but this goes to all those who thought that we, women, decided to stay single because we could.

To those who thought we chose to be single,

we never chose to be one.

I am ready to get married.

I am ready to settle down and build a family now.

But how would I be able to do so if I haven't met the one?

The one.

You might think that I am waiting for the one who looks like my favourite oppa, 

or some rich guys,

or some prince charming to sweep me off my feet,

when all I am waiting for is a man who would love me as much as I love him,

a man who will be my companion during the happiest and the most terrible times in my life,

a man who will grow together with me emotionally and spiritually,

and a man who is ready to accept and embrace me wholeheartedly to start a new journey with.

Is this what you say, too picky?

If it is, then so be it. 

Some would then say, why don't you join more social gatherings?

Join more events, go to clubs, go out more!!!

My answer to them, so what if I go to all these stuffs?

If it is not the time to meet him, I will never meet the right person despite going out every night and meeting with new people.

Previous experience has taught me a lot.

Meeting with someone who I thought was the right person,

and eventually got heartbroken and devastated after being hung up on blue ticks,

am I going to go through such a moment again?

No.

Go chase after that guy!

If you are not proactive, you won't get him!

Guys nowadays are shy! You need to be one step ahead!

I did. And what happen?

I looked like some desperate woman who want to just get married now and have babies tomorrow.

I changed myself for the sake of being liked by him,

and what did I get?

I lost myself.

And thank God, I found myself back and I found my smiles back again.

To be honest, 

I rather stay single than ending up with the wrong person.

I rather be alone than ending up being lonely with the wrong person.

I rather have no ring on my finger than having a ring but feeling miserable of it.

I rather be with no man than being with a man who would create misery and sufferings to me till the end of my life.

I rather stay unmarried than getting divorce with a man who decided he could find someone better than me.

Yes, I want to get married.

Yes, I want to settle down.

Yes, I want to have babies and watch them grow.

Yes, I want to have someone to come home for.

But I will never settle for the less.

If you love me, then seek for me.

Work hard for me and start a new journey with me when you are ready.

Because I am ready,

are you ready?

Jenny~

October

Hi everyone.

It's been quite some time that I have not been updating what I have been doing all this while.

So, let's start.

I have finally received my Surat Tamat Pengajian for my Masters and I am super glad to say that I am currently on my way for my convocation which will be held next year.

Hopefully it will be conducted safely due to the current situation.

Besides that, career wise, a lot have happened and despite the free time that I have been enjoying,

I am proud to inform all of you that I have received my APC (Anugerah Perkhidmatan Cemerlang) last month.

It was an achievement to me and I am glad that all my hard works were appreciated through such incentives.

And all of this wouldn't have happened if my administrators as well as my colleagues were being so supportive and helpful at all times.

Besides that, I have been actively helping out my PK1 in her duties for the sake of knowledge and also participated in an action research campaign organised by the local educational office.

So yeah, career has been smooth sailing and I have been enjoying the free time that was given to me this year right after completing 2 years of hectic double lives as student and a teacher.

Life.

Life is full of surprises.

And one of the surprises is that I have eventually decided to lose weight.

The journey of losing weight started back on July whereby colleagues as well as officers have often mistaken me as a mom with kids due to my body image.

I was low in confidence and barely could fit in my clothes as well as dresses anymore.

And I was determined to shed off those weights.

And now October, I am glad to say that from 72kg, I have managed to reduce to 65kg after maintaining a series of workout routines at home as well as at school during PJ lessons.

I was able to control my diet and reduce my carbs intake during my meals.

Though it was really difficult to say no and there were times where I succumbed to temptation of eating fried food and sweet stuffs, 

all it takes is to workout extra and start dieting the next day again.

And now, I am feeling much more confident with myself and am ready to go out to meet new people right after Covid-19 is over.

Aside from that, I have started my prayer routine at night time.

All thanks to a friend who reached out to me and requested me to join Christeen to grow in faith.

It's been a while but I have always wanted to be involved with church but not knowing how.

And all it takes was a little push and there I was, in my first meeting with the members.

It was fun and despite me not knowing anything there, I had the urge to be involved in the planning for activities in 2021.

I have also tried my best to continue to have conversation with God every night before sleep.

I acknowledge that it's been quite some time of not having a heart to heart conversation with God.

And I hope that it's not too late to start all over again.

Pray for me everyone that I would be able to be strong and maintain my pace in my spiritual growth.

Last but not least, relationships.

Just when I thought that this year could be the year for me to meet new people and maybe strike a new relationship, Covid hits and there you go.

Zero progress in relationships.

But I guess this may be the sign that I should take this time to prepare myself again physically, emotionally and spiritually for any future relationship.

I remember reading an article about prayers seeking for the other half,

and one line strikes a chord in my heart.

It says that God always has a plan for us.

He will always lead our other half to us in the best season and in the best timing.

And all we need to do is continue to pray and believe in His plans,

which is something that I am currently doing right now.

I believe that He is sending my other half to me now,

and all I need to do is to prepare myself and to continue to believe in Him.

I believe that all of the things that I was put into in this life is leading me to him,

and all I need to do is to believe in His best timing.

And that's what I am doing now.

So, I guess that's all the updates that I owe for almost 3 months.

Oh yeah, I also bought a virtual ticket the other day to watch BTS MOTS: One concert,

and it was worth every penny!

And they are currently preparing their new album BE so don't forget to support them as well.

And if there are any ARMY from Malaysia who might read this blog post, can you drop me a comment on how to pre-order their new album as apparently Weverse Shop don't deliver to Malaysia.

Borahae, ARMY!

Forgive me for my fangirling despite being at this age.

This is the only thing that entertains me day by day.

Love,

Jenny~