If you can choose

 The other day, I had an online lesson with my pupils, 

and we came across this sentence in the stanza that mentioned the feeling of missing the old times,

and I struck up a question to my pupils,

if you choose to go back to a time, which moment would you want to be back and why?

They gave many different answers and mixed feedbacks as well,

some of them wished to go back to the past where they had more fun with friends,

and some of them prefer current moment as this is the time for them to grow mature and gain new experiences.

And then I thought to myself, which moment would I want to be back to and why?

I wish to go back to the times when there was no pandemic,

the time when we were free to go anywhere we want without any fear,

without the anxiety of we gonna get something bad when we go out,

the time when hanging out with friends or just having a meal at a cafeteria doesn't seem scary,

and the time when I can meet my pupils and colleagues and share wonderful times and stories with them.

But I am truly happy with the current moment as well.

This pandemic brought mixed feelings to me as if it's not because of this pandemic,

I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's wedding which was done at such a wonderful place,

I might not get the chance to be the bridesmaid and same goes to my other half,

and I might not get to meet him too.

I guess the only good thing this pandemic brought to me is my other half whom I love and cherish the most.

But honestly, this pandemic has brought its worst effects to me too.

The feeling of fear and anxiety is constantly there,

the feeling of loneliness especially during working hours at home has greatly impact my work performance to an extent of getting burnout.

The unbalanced lifestyle whereby I was not able to relax at my own home and constantly working day in day out has severely caused me to lose myself at times,

I was only able to pull through because of my other half who has been supporting me and calming me down during some of my bad days.

It is difficult, guys.

It is really difficult.

How I wish this will end now.

Please end now, Covid-19.

Jenny.

5th month

 Happy 5th month to us.

It didn't feel like it was only 5 months with you,

instead it feels like it has been ages with you.

Thank you for being my strength and my source of laughter.

Thank you for being at my side at all times especially during my down times, stressful times and also my sick and overthinking days.

To more days, weeks, months and years ahead.

May we laugh more and love more with each day to look forward to together.

Jenny~

My Love

 So I watched this movie, My Love, recommended by my boyfriend.

At the first glance, I thought it would be just a normal high school love story where at the end of the day,

the male character and female character didn't get together.

And it was indeed the plot of the story.

But there were several parts that triggered the sadness in me and as if it brought me to the past.

Words.

Words are the most wonderful things that could be spoken and heard.

And yet, it brings the most damage to the person closest to you when used wrongly.

Timing.

Not all timing was right.

Just when we thought that the timing was right, it wasn't,

and both parties were hurt because of it.

Moving on.

Moving on hurts.

Moving on after such a great length of year wasn't easy at all.

But the moment you decided that it's over,

and walked towards a new beginning,

it would be the most wonderful amidst the most heartbreaking thing to do.

Goodbye to the lovely days,

Hello to even more lovelier days ahead.

Goodbye to the lonely days,

Hello to brighter days ahead.

Stop pacing back and forth in darkness.

It's time to take the courageous step forward into the brightness,

and you might find someone is there to take your hands.

Jenny.

9.6.2021

 Happy 4th month, love.

Thank you for being there at all times for me.

Thank you for willing to pick up new skill which is cooking skill.

Thank you for making and sending me breakfasts,

You do not know how happy I felt these days having someone like you to cook for me despite still learning,

You make my dreams come true which is to have someone cook for me despite just a beginner,

and because of that,

I love you more and more each day.

Thank you for being there for me and dealing with my anxiety at all times.

Thank you for making me feel safe and comforted at all times,

and thank you for just being present in my life at all times.

To more months ahead,

and to more fun times together.

Love, 

Jenny

Frustrated

 Day by day,

I asked myself if it's really worth it to be as workaholic as I used to be.

I used to be someone who is ever ready to do what is instructed even though it isn't my work,

I was always ready to help out and assist,

I was always ready to take orders and force myself to work for long hours at school as well as home.

But now,

it felt different.

It felt frustrating when I am keen to complete the job,

and yet people above me is not.

It felt frustrating when I am all out to complete the job,

but the person above me is holding out and yet giving pressure on me,

expecting a great job done but not giving the essential information.

It felt frustrating when jobs that were not supposed to be done by me,

and yet, I have to be the one to assist works that are unrelated to my field,

and completely out of my expertise.

Once completed, I have to be the one to be submitting it as if it's my job,

as if it's my work,

as if it's my assignment,

when it is not.

I pity those who were forced to sit together and do the work,

when it is literally not our work.

Not even hearing the word thank you coming from him,

and yet, dare to tell me that if I am giving him a hard time, he will do the same to me,

when this is supposed to be his work.

It breaks my heart when this happened today.

I was always being respectful and always being helpful,

I guess it finally backfired in my face.

Wish I was not proactive and so busybody, asking for jobs.

Now, unrelated jobs are given to me just for the sake of completing it,

and they take the credits for it.

Damn.

Jenny

09.05.2021

 3rd month of being together makes me feel happier day by day.

Thank you for being at my side during my emo seasons,

and also during those random moments.

Though there were times that I always said the wrong thing at the wrong timing,

I'm glad that we talked it out and eventually knowing more about one another through the process.

Thank you for being such a caring person,

someone who I wouldn't be shy to ask for help and assistance,

someone who would always be at my side at all times,

and someone who gives me unlimited attention and making sure that I always feel accompanied.

Thank you for letting me into your life and your family too.

All these things that you have done for me make me happier and feel more loved day by day.

To more fun and better days ahead,

and to more lovely and funny moments to create with you!

Jenny~

May

 1st of May.

Thank God for such a wonderful month of April.

A month that I felt truly blessed with all the wonderful things happening to me despite the current pandemic.

Thankful and grateful for being able to see my kids in April though only for a short moment before school was closed again,

Thankful and grateful for the endless surprises for my birthday,

for all the well wishes, cakes, flower bouquets, cash bouquet, and of course, lovely presents from my partner,

it was something that I did not expect or anticipate at all especially during this pandemic season,

and I was touched beyond words for all the lovely things that were given to me on this special month.

Thankful and grateful that I received my certificate on my Masters right before the month ends too!

I am now officially a holder of Masters in Education (TESL),

after spending 2 years of working my ass off and turning myself into a workaholic,

after shedding tears and sweat during the past 2 years during my studies,

and also after countless times of wanting to just give up halfway and to enjoy my holidays instead of going to classes,

I am thankful that I persevered through alone and eventually, rewarded for all the sacrifices that I have done.

Despite unable to wear the graduation robe and attending the convocation due to the pandemic,

I am still grateful that I have finally ended this journey,

and now, finally some time to rest and recharge with my partner instead of being alone again.

Everything happens at the right timing.

Thank God I let it all happen in its natural course instead of pushing it through like how I used to do.

Thank God for everything.

To a better times in the upcoming months,

and to more fun-filled and happy events in the upcoming months,

may all good things happen in May and the next following months,

and may the pandemic starts to ease down instead of raging one.

Jenny~