Lost

Staring outside her window,
she sighed.
These days, overwhelmed with works,
endless deadlines,
endless responsibilities that she can't run away from,
endless workloads that wasn't hers in the first place,
endless false promises that she has to endure with people around her,
making her exhausted not only physically but also mentally.

And finally, tonight she was able to sit down with her cup of coffee,
opening up her diary,
and started writing again.
Every time the train stopped at one station,
she anticipates for what to come
Every time she ran out of coffee,
she anticipates for who to come.
Every time it started to rain,
she anticipates for when it would stop.

And now, she felt empty.
Lost.
Doesn't know what her heart wants.
Doesn't know what to do with the free time given.
She just felt lost.
Tears rolled off without knowing why.
And with that,
she closed her diary,
looked up to the sky,
to find back her strength,
and her directions.

Jenny~

First Love

First Love.
Everyone has their own first love.
It's either their crush back in secondary school,
or the guy / girl that they fell in love with in college,
or some might not have experienced with first love.

I once asked my friends,
how do you know if its your first love?
I mean, some of my friends have been in multiple relationships,
while I only had one.
So how do I know if he was the one?
My friends gave me a variety of answers.
Some said, first love gives you the zing.
Some said, first love is the one that you will remember the most.
And most of them said, you will know when you experienced it.

So when I was in my first relationship, I thought that was my first love.
But I was wrong.
I did loved but he wasn't my first love.
I couldn't remember the reason why I accepted the relationship,
I guess he was also a part of experiment that went wrong.
The pain I felt was not really because of him, but because of the feelings that he subjected me to feel,
which I am thankful right now.
At least right now, I know I wouldn't repeat the same mistake.

Then, today a colleague of mine asked me about first love.
The first person that crossed my mind was, him.
The stranger.
If you have been an avid reader of my blog,
I believe I have been mentioning about this stranger for over the past years.
And believe it or not, I still could talk about all the incidents as if it had just happened.
He gave the zing that the past-nerdy-me didn't know how to face it.
He gave a hope to me,
a continuous enthusiasm,
and last but not least, a strength to me.
When he appeared during my difficult times in relationship,
he acted as my reminder.
A reminder to me that,
in the midst of darkness,
there will be a light somewhere.

And right now, my path is still cloudy.
Still walking on this path with one hope.
To search for the light.
=Guide me=

Jenny~

Blank

Relationships.

I remembered my first crush back in high school,

how I would always sneak a peek on him during class,

or during recess time in canteen.

And always daydreamed of being with him one day.

But, got my little heart shattered,

and lost my self confidence for a while back there.

Fast forward to college,

met a guy, became fast friends, called each other like every night,

giving all kinds of mixed signals,

and eventually developed feelings,

then, gone.

disappeared.

and I was treated like a joke.

Fast forward to my 3rd year of college,

met another guy, always fight, always getting morning and night messages,

complimented and finally, became a couple.

two years into relationship with sweetness in the beginning and bitterness at the end.

broke up through social media which is so uncool,

giving me stupid reasons when the truth was,

him treating me like a band-aid,

and eventually went with some other girl right in front of me,

took me a great length of time to stop myself from clinging to the past,

from mentioning about him,

from hating and despising his every single action,

and finally, accepted and totally moved on.

Final year.

Met another guy,

became totally close buddy because we shared the same pain.

Thought that this guy would be there for me as a friend,

eventually got further apart,

and now, gone.

disappeared.

And right now,

meeting someone new is scary.

developing any new tingly feelings is terrible.

After going through so much,

I don't even know what I want,

what I seek,

what I need.

Can you tell me or guide me now?

Jenny~

Her fault

Today, while on the train, a lady passed by her carriage.
She was actually selling magazines and books in the train,
so she bought one and read about it.

And she came across an article.
She read about it and immediately, she placed down the magazine,
and stared outside her carriage.
The words struck her,
and awaken the real her.

Since when she became so rushed?
Since when she defy her own principles,
and became someone she told herself not to?
Since when she started to build her fantasy,
and no longer remember that it was only a fantasy?

She was disappointed with herself,
She was disappointed with the words she once said,
and yet she didn't do it.
She was disappointed at how she rushed in things,
and eventually blaming others when things fell apart.
She was even hurt when she realised that it was she who cause it,
and not the other person.

She took out her yellow notes,
and started to scribble notes to herself,
and stick it at places that she could see.
"Take your time."
"Whatever will be, will be."
and lastly,

"Learn to stay when you should stay. Learn to let go when you should let go."

Jenny~

I realised

Social medias have been one of our needs.
Whatsapp, Facebook, Instagram and all the other apps,
are like a must in our phones as well as in our lives.

From the blue ticks,
From the likes,
From the hearts,
we often forget that those things dont really resemble anything.

I am one of the social medias addict,
that can be easily swayed by feelings,
when messages with blue ticks are not replied,
when pictures or status shared do not received any likes,
from selfies that do not receive any hearts.

I became someone whose unhealthy.
I thought people ignored me or thinks that I am annoying when my messages in Whatsapp are not replied,
I thought I am not pretty or inspirational enough when no likes were given in Facebook,
I thought I am ugly when no hearts were given in Instagram,
but the fact is,
all these are wrong.

I am thankful that #butterworks production as well #themingthing which is both Singapore and Malaysian based youtubers, have made videos to remind all of us,
that the closer we are in social medias,
the further apart we are in real lives.
When I reflected back on my hangouts with my friends,
I found that we rarely communicate in these social medias,
and yet, we talked so much when we are out.

So, a gentle reminder to myself as well as everyone out there,
the blue ticks, hearts and likes do not signify anything in our lives,
take some time to go out,
enjoy the littlest thing around us,
Initiate small talks rather than only through social medias.
And create closer bonds in real lives.

Jenny~

Dark clouds

As she was sitting next to the window and carrying out her normal routine,
she decided to get off the train and take in some fresh air.
As she came down, an acquaintance appeared in front of her,
with smiles, she went off with the acquaintance,
sightseeing and breathing in the sweet air around her.
For the first time, she felt a sense of accomplishment.
A sense of being cared of.
She thought that this would last.

As the train signals to leave,
she decided to sit at the bench for a while this time,
and watch the train leave.
She was silly, isn't she?
Letting the train go.
She waited for him,
waited,
waited,
and waited.

She kept thinking,
what went wrong?
Did she say something wrong?
Did she laugh too much?
Why is this happening again to her?

Finally,
the train came to the station.
She lifted her up,
went into the train,
and sat back at her seat.

"There is nothing wrong with you.
Your timing hasn't come yet,"
She told herself.

Jenny~

Hello August.

August.
One month before my skills of teaching are put into test through examination.
But this time,
it won't be me taking it but my "clients".
I was a little disappointed seeing their attitudes of dealing with last minutes studies,
as if the exam has little meaning to them,
while we as the teachers are feeling all the burdens, stress and tension due to the exams.

However,
after reading their honest letters about their feelings dealing with the upcoming exam,
I realised that they are, afterall, kids.
And it was my fault for putting too much emphasis on the examination,
and forgotten the primary elements in education.
I forgot the fun, motivation and most important, forming their attitudes.
And because of that, I finally came back to my original path,
which is creating future generation with the best attitudes.

Meanwhile, in personal life,
Nothing much has happened.
Went for a dinner and instead of enjoying the process,
I was working hard.
But despite the work, it was unexpected to meet him again.
Meeting him just kindles back the feelings of meeting an old classmate.
And I missed that feeling.

In terms of relationship?
I somehow let things take its own course.
Enough of listening and doing what others think is good,
but more to listening to myself and deciding of doing what I should do.

Because at the end of the day,
the one who feels it is me.

Jenny~