Lockdown

22.03.2020, Sunday.

Today is supposed to be our final day of our school holiday in which we were supposed to go back to work tomorrow.

But due to the worsening situation of Covid-19 in my country, Malaysia,

we were required to adhere 2 weeks of restricted movement whereby we are required to stay at home and avoid from unnecessary outing to prevent from getting infected of the virus.

And being at home for almost 10 days by now kinda makes me feel suffocated.

My daily routine involves me waking up in the morning, on my phone, breakfast, on my phone/laptop/tv, lunch, on my phone/TV, nap, occasional exercise at home, dinner, on my phone/TV and then sleep.

And the routine starts all over again the next day.

And it kinda makes me feel really restless as I am unable to leave home,

unable to do things that I love which is teaching.

Honestly, I miss my kids a lot.

I miss teaching and telling them stories back from my day.

I miss my colleagues and their endless chatter about their daily lives and how the kids annoy them on daily basis in the classroom.

I miss working, 

doing things that are instructed and required by the admins,

and most importantly, I missed talking and being listened to.

Honestly, being at home without my parents somehow doesnt make the situation better.

And its weird feeling homesick when I am already at home.

All I can say is I hope that the condition will get better,

and all of us will be able to get by our lives as usual.

Therefore, stay at home people.

Stay safe and don't forget to wash your hands and sanitize properly!

May this huge block of obstacle pass quickly and all of us are able to enjoy the remaining 2020 in happiness and joy.

Jenny~

Dear Hannah

14.3.2020
A date to remember.
A beautiful girl was born on this day by my bestest friend,
and her name is Hannah Thiang.

Dear Hannah,
I hope one day when you know how to use the Internet and Google up your name,
you will find this post specially dedicated to you.
You might or might not know me,
But I am Auntie Jen, your mom's best friend.
I just want to let you know that your mom sacrificed a lot to have you!
She went through a lot emotionally and physically just to ensure that you are born into this world,
I wish you all the happiness around the world,
and I would try my best to be there for you like how I always stood by your mom from the day we met.
I hope to be the best aunt in this world that would bring you good food,
show you the kinda boys that I love to see,
bring you to concerts and truly enjoy life before becoming an adult yourself.
I can't wait for you to be an adult and tell you all the crazy adventures that I had with your mommy!

Love,
Auntie J.

Anxiety disorder

I believe in one of my old post that I have mentioned about this disorder that I had when I was in secondary school.
I still remember telling my mom that I was facing difficulty to breathe,
and I have to take deep breaths for a couple of time in order to breathe properly,
We all thought that it as my heart which might have some issues,
but little did we know that I was suffering from mild anxiety.
At that time, we couldn't identify the trigger,
but the doctor who treated me told my mom that it might due to hidden stress in studies,
and gave me several medicine to help me calm down.

And I thought that was the end.
But it wasn't.
Anxiety has suddenly became my shadow and it worsened when I was in IPG.
When sudden death of my batch mate has caused me unable to sleep for nights,
breaking out into sweats and couldn't breathe,
I realised that I was going into panic attacks.
Eventually, I had to go to a clinic to get a check,
and the doctor again told me that I was having mild anxiety disorder.

When he investigated the trigger,
he realised that the trigger was on my batch mate sudden death,
and although we weren't close,
his case has triggered my panic attacks and intense fears.
The only way to cure it was to take my mind off from it,
by treating myself to something better and take time to accept the fact.

After knowing that I had anxiety and the trigger,
I tried my best to keep it at fix and avoid from reading any news that could trigger it again.
And I thought I had eventually moved past it.
But before I knew it, it crept back during my working life.
And the worse part was when it was entangled with intense sadness.
I remembered lying down in the darkness,
crying my eyes out for no reason,
listening to songs and crying.
Not wanting to be at school, crying in the toilet and counselling room,
unable to control my mood swings and anger outbreaks,
and eventually, I had to force myself to meet my counselor to seek for help.
That was the darkest moments where I was not mentally healthy and physically unwell.

Eventually, I decided to take Masters as a way to get over overthinking as well as curing my heartbreak.
Those two years of taking Masters were the only times when I was truly happy and free.
Where anxiety had slowly disappeared from my life as I was too preoccupied with works and deadlines.
However, the sudden death of my colleagues has again triggered my anxiety.
Though I was able to accept his passing and bawled myself out,
seeing him for the last time in real world and in my dream has helped me to accept the fact.

So I thought.
This year, 2020.
I was again getting panic attacks and anxiety from time to time.
As I diagnosed myself, I thought all of this was due to the workloads that I have been working upon.
But it wasn't.
The real trigger was the sudden death of a celebrity,
which was closely related to my previous colleague.
And from there, I realised that I wasn't able to move past the incident.
However, after knowing the trigger, I was able to slowly recover from it.

The main reason of this long post is to tell everyone whose reading this,
that anxiety is something that we can't be fully cured.
It follows us like our shadow,
and no matter how much people tell us to not overthink,
what matters the most is by offering your time to listen and just be there for us.
It's not easy to get past these panic attacks,
and it takes time to be able to identify the triggers,
but be strong, everyone.
We can do this.
I know I can.

Jenny~

Latest update

It's been a while of not updating my blog since January.
I have been really pre-occupied with school works,
and endless workloads that hit me without any preparations.

Due to the endless workloads which hit me unprepared,
I eventually got sick and have been sick on off these few weeks in February.
And it's really tiring and exhausting,
when you're sick and yet, you still need to make sure all those works are completed,
all those classes have to be attended,
and lessons have to be taught.

I blame my perfectionist attitude,
as this costs me my own me-time,
and eventually, costs me a quality rest to actually let my body to heal.
And from today onwards, I tried to be more positive in my working environment,
trying to work hard when I am asked to,
and slow down when my body couldn't take it.

My Masters journey has finally reached its destination!
And I am left with one more presentation in a conference and I am done with it.
Thank God for everything and for the persistence as well as strength given unto me to complete this treacherous journey,
The journey that witnesses me breaking down into tears and seeing me get back up after that,
finally, it's over!

Last but not least,
thank you to you for trying to reply my text daily although you usually reply when I am sleeping.
It feels like we are at two different parts of the world,
where I reply early in the morning and you, late at night.
But I guess, its your efforts to reply counts.
And no expectations, but thank you for those replies,
and those jokes that made me laughed like a small kid again.
Thank you, you.

Jenny~

Belated Valentine's day

Thank you for wishing me a Valentine's day.
This post might seem to be way too late,
but seeing the line of you wishing me a Happy Valentine's day,
and asking of what I did during Valentine's day,
is something that I really appreciate.

Thank you for giving colours to my day, bits by bits.

Jenny~

When one door closes

People says that when one door closes,
another one opens up.
And I do believe in it.

I remember how I always revisit that particular door,
to see whether he is over there waiting for me,
and I apparently wasted almost 2 and a half years waiting at that particular door,
until one day,
I decided to enter the door and find him.
And I did.
But instead of giving the second chances like what I always did,
I expressed my anger in words,
giving him a piece of my mind,
and finally, I was relieved.
I was released.

I walked off,
shut the door,
nail it and walked off.
And when that door closes,
it is true that another door seems to open a bit.
The old me would be waiting at that particular door again,
but not now.
I started to wander around,
visiting the new door once a while,
and went off on my adventure.
Because I believe that if that door is indeed opened for me,
it will always stay open for me.

Jenny~

Last birthday.

Happy birthday.
That would be the last birthday greeting from me.
That would also be the last text message that I would send to you ever again.
I am glad that I did text you.
I am glad that I didn't cave in and saying that everything is okay, and it's fine,
because it wasn't.

I am glad that I took the time to reply you.
I am glad that I am able to write down all the things that I wished to tell you during those years of being ghosted and left behind without any traces,
I am glad that I didn't forgive you that easily like last time,
and I am glad that I didn't cling on to the hope of you doing anything after the text.

I have finally found the closure.
I finally have the courage to remove your number and all the reminders of you from my life.
I am glad that I have removed you.
Cheers to a new beginning without you, for real.
Because I am done.

Jenny