Updates.

 It's been a while not updating this blog except for the monthly anniversary with my love.

It has been a really tough journey during this year's pandemic,

and honestly speaking, it has taken a toll on my physical and mental health as well.

When it comes to working at home, it has been exhausting and tiring.

People think that its easy working at home,

that we all just lie on the couch, attends some online classes or sending offline tasks to our pupils,

and then we can relax and go shopping or binge watching our series,

but honestly it doesn't happen in such a way.

I have been having anxiety and panic attacks for several nights now,

and it has caused me to have difficulty to sleep and rest when it is supposedly time to rest.

Waking up in the morning, 

sitting right in front of the screen, doing online Google Meets with the pupils,

assigning tasks for them, checking their attendance, keying in their attendance in two different platforms,

preparing tasks and lesson plans for the next day,

finishing up school works here and there,

attending Google Meets for workshops, briefing and all sort of things till 5pm.

and then, getting calls and last minute texts about work.

It is seriously frustrating and upsetting.

and my mental health has been seriously affected to the point of getting anxiety attacks,

of getting burnt out,

of getting easily annoyed when getting calls from work,

of losing temper easily when last minute calls for work and sometimes matter unrelated to me.

And it has also caused me to gain weight due to this hidden stress.

It's not easy dealing with all of this and I really wish to go back to school and work normally.

I really wish to get back to work, and finally have my deserving rest at home.

Instead of messing up my work time and rest time at home.

I can't imagine the immense stress of having to deal all of this if I have a family in the future.

Gosh.

My mind is tired and unproductive,

and all the things that I want to do and focus on are all in arrays due to this pandemic.

The unforgiving higher authorities that seem to ignore the time that we should be resting,

The endless works that are not bringing any benefits to our career and our kids,

The illogical workshops that seem to share the best practices and yet can't be applied in the current situations,

seriously, can you just stop?

When the officer asked me the other day if we did any motivation talks or workshops for teachers,

all I could think of to answer him is this,

give us a break. 

stop pushing us to attend meaningless things.

and stop pressuring us to achieve the "perfect data"

Jenny

9.11

Today marks our 9th month together.

Time passes fast when spent together with people that we love,

and it's true. 

In a glimpse of time, it has been 9 months together,

and it's been a fun journey,

a journey where we unlock and discover each other's new characteristics,

a journey where we find comfort in each other despite the hectic life at work,

and a journey of trying to complete each other in where we lack of.

Thanks for being at my side all the time despite how much I am lacking,

and thanks for being patient with me though I easily lose my patience at times.

To more months and years together, love!

Jenny.

9.10

 Happy 8th month, love.

It was indeed a pity that we could not celebrate this day together due to the current situation.

Nevertheless, hope you are going to feel better,

and once we are free from quarantine,

we are going to stick with one another once more like how we used to.

Thank you for being my companion all this while.

Helping me to feel calm and peaceful at all time.

Thank you for making me feel the luckiest girl ever,

having someone who understand me and always there to listen to me.

Despite there are times where I easily got sensitive with you and your attachment to your phone,

but I am grateful that you would listen to me most of the time,

and accompany me while giving me your attention which I love the most.

Thanks for making me laugh all the time with your silly expressions and your laughter.

To more months and years ahead, bao.

Jenny~

Nightmare

 No matter how much we tried to protect ourselves from Covid, 

it's always out there.

My boyfriend was diagnosed positive today despite not joining any social gatherings,

and have been observing good hygienic practices.

But I guess, it's difficult to do so at his workplace,

and he might have caught it at his workplace.

It saddens me a lot when hearing he was positive Covid.

For now, he had flu and symptomatic.

I have also now started to do some self isolation at home to reduce any risk or exposure to people around me.

I did my first self test and thank God, it was negative.

And here I am hoping that the next few tests in several days to come would also be negative too.

I nearly cried when I told my parents about it.

I tried my best to be strong but I guess they can hear the crack of my voice,

so they tried their best to cheer me up and make feel less worried.

My boyfriend, knowing that I am a super worried person, tried to make me feel better,

and it saddens me a lot that I couldn't be there for him at this current moment.

So yeah, I shed a few tears here and there due to my current period and the current situation.

I just thought we were going to celebrate tomorrow a little bit, 

but I guess it can wait.

Hoping that all will be fine and then we can meet each other real soon.

Covid sucks.

Jenny~

9.9.2021

 Happy 7th month!

I noticed that I love to keep track of how many months we have been spending together, 

and I am so thankful and grateful that we have entered our 7th month together. 

Laughing, teasing and making each other warm and happy is a bliss despite the current curse of pandemic.

Thank you for always being at my side.

Despite how busy you are right now with your booming business,

thank you for making some time for me and making sure that I always receive the ample amount of attention and time from you.

May you earn more and buy more pork for me!

 

Thanks for being such an awesome boyfriend!

Jenny~

9.8.2021

 Happy 6th month, love.

Time passes so fast and we have been together for half of 2021 already!

Thank you for being the one who I can lean on during happiness as well as in sadness.

Thank you for accepting me with or without any lipstick,

and thank you for always being there for me.

There are times when I annoyed you and make you pissed off due to my ignorance,

and there are times when I got "shot" by you for days and eventually, I'm the one who got pissed,

but these are the little things that make us grow even closer with one another.

Thank you for everything, love.

May we continue to walk together with our couple shoes and have a wonderful time being in each other's company!

Jenny

If you can choose

 The other day, I had an online lesson with my pupils, 

and we came across this sentence in the stanza that mentioned the feeling of missing the old times,

and I struck up a question to my pupils,

if you choose to go back to a time, which moment would you want to be back and why?

They gave many different answers and mixed feedbacks as well,

some of them wished to go back to the past where they had more fun with friends,

and some of them prefer current moment as this is the time for them to grow mature and gain new experiences.

And then I thought to myself, which moment would I want to be back to and why?

I wish to go back to the times when there was no pandemic,

the time when we were free to go anywhere we want without any fear,

without the anxiety of we gonna get something bad when we go out,

the time when hanging out with friends or just having a meal at a cafeteria doesn't seem scary,

and the time when I can meet my pupils and colleagues and share wonderful times and stories with them.

But I am truly happy with the current moment as well.

This pandemic brought mixed feelings to me as if it's not because of this pandemic,

I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's wedding which was done at such a wonderful place,

I might not get the chance to be the bridesmaid and same goes to my other half,

and I might not get to meet him too.

I guess the only good thing this pandemic brought to me is my other half whom I love and cherish the most.

But honestly, this pandemic has brought its worst effects to me too.

The feeling of fear and anxiety is constantly there,

the feeling of loneliness especially during working hours at home has greatly impact my work performance to an extent of getting burnout.

The unbalanced lifestyle whereby I was not able to relax at my own home and constantly working day in day out has severely caused me to lose myself at times,

I was only able to pull through because of my other half who has been supporting me and calming me down during some of my bad days.

It is difficult, guys.

It is really difficult.

How I wish this will end now.

Please end now, Covid-19.

Jenny.