Hate me or love me

 When I was in my twenties, 

I found myself wanting to be liked by everyone,

and would always worry and felt uneasy whenever I feel that someone didn't like me,

or give the cold shoulders.

I would sacrifice so much to please others,

and I would always think of what I did or said that might have made them despise me.

And it was tiring.

Now, entering the world of 30s,

I started to not give a damn about it.

People have their rights to hate me,

talk about me behind my backs,

despise me for my relationship with the higher authorities and admins,

but they would never know the real thing that is happening to me,

they would never know the great deal of maintaining these good rapport with them,

and they would never know the things that I have been doing to make their lives easier.

And because I don't give a damn about the cold shoulders I got,

the stares that people give to me,

the negative vibe that they exude around me,

I decided to look past those haters,

and work hard for my own benefits.

I decided to ignore the naysayers,

and only focus on how to be better in my work.

To those who hates or dislikes me,

haters gonna hate,

lovers gonna love,

I don't need your approval to thrive in this world.

Jenny~

Starting the 3-series

 Today marks the end of my 2-series journey and a new beginning with the number 3 in front of my age.

Reflecting back on my 20s definitely gives me a lot of mixed feelings,

beginning my early 20s in IPG and surrounded by lovely friends who had filled my days with love and joy,

entering mid-life crisis at the age of 25 with internal and external conflicts,

meeting the supposedly right guy which ended up in the worst heartbreak ever,

thinking that meeting the right colleagues and forming strong bonds would help in my career ended up being used and treated coldly for no apparent reason,

having the worst anxiety and panic attacks,

and struggling to pull through each day without crying myself to sleep every night.

And thank God, late 20s were the phase when I finally got over all the crisis and spent each year meaningfully in one way or another,

going for my Masters,

flying off for courses and to fulfill work obligations which earned me free trips and hotels,

enjoying food like there was no tomorrow until I reached the ultimate weight of 72kg, 

and not forgetting, the challenge of losing weight to be in the best shape for my friend's wedding,

with the main goal of scoring a man which I finally did,

and meeting my other half and spending my 29th birthday with the amazing partner by my side.

Life in 20s definitely was a rollercoaster,

and I am thankful to have rode on that rollercoaster that brought me mixed feelings every time I went through each and every post I wrote,

It definitely taught me a lot,

and it definitely help to shape the person I am right now.

Time to step into a new beginning,

and time to start a brand new day being in the 3-series.

May good things come in my way,

may more awesome adventures come in my sight,

and may more happy things coming in my life.

Let's do this!

Jenny.

Our one year.

One year.

365 days being called someone's girlfriend,

being pampered, paid attention and loved for 365 days.

Thank you dear.

Thank you for being at my side all this while for 365 days and more days.

Thank you for filling up my days with laughter with your acts and words,

Thank you for making me feel so loved each day,

and thank you for making me feel safe and secure everyday.

May we continue to be together spending each day, 

and laugh together,

eat together,

and making lovely memories together for a very long time.

May we continue to brace the good and the bad times together,

and may we continue to be patient with one another,

and grow more in love with one another.

Happy one year anniversary, love.

Jenny.

Resolutions.

So, resolutions. Let's take a look at my resolutions in the previous year 

1. Maintain my 62kg, pls!

- I wasn't able to keep to this resolution when I have such a loving and caring boyfriend! So basically, being at home almost all the time somehow made me forgot about the strict diet I had and started to follow up with my cravings. And I actually gained up to 66kg at one point of the year. However, after my parents were back and started to control my eating, I am glad to say that I am now at 63kg and still working hard to go back to 62kg this year!

2. Appreciate and cherish the moment spent with him.

- Achieved! We had so much things going on with each other and finding time to be at each other's side regardless of just chilling at home or going out for cake and food adventures. And I cherished each of those moments! Just hoping my boyfriend would see less phone and see more of me though!

3. Appreciate and cherish myself each day.

- And yes I do. I started to tell myself that I am good enough and that everything is okay. Despite there are times when I was really having low confidence over my legs with dark marks and spots, but I am trying my best to ignore the naysayers and focus on my own comfort! And I also went for an operation to remove the cyst in my mouth which had been causing me lots of discomfort for the past 6 years. It was indeed a painful process but hoping that all this would eventually end well and I will get back the normal life like everyone had.

So 2022 resolutions?

1. Maintain a healthy lifestyle as in physical and mental.

2. Spend more time with my parents and also cherish the lovely moments with my boyfriend

3. Seek for new opportunities in my career!

2022, I am excited to what you are going to bring for me!

Jenny~

A recap

 Hi!

It's been a while not updating this blog,

and it's not mainly because I was lazy, but I found that there are less things to ponder upon these days,

and more happier things to cherish with my loved ones.

So let's recap.

2021 started of well with us going back to school for offline teaching,

and that lasted for 3 months before the pandemic struck us again and we were left to do online teaching for almost 7 months,

the bright side was that I was able to do a lot of my own things at home despite being stuck at online lessons,

I was able to brush up my cooking skills and whipping up wonderful meals and take-aways for my boyfriend,

I was also able to spend more time with him and also giving some time off to myself.

The down side of being stuck at home and dealing with online stuffs was that it was endless.

Endless calls and unnecessary demands of works,

constantly being called upon admin to do their jobs,

and worst of it all, I experienced burnout which was something that I wouldn't experiences if it was offline lessons.

I got emotional, easily irritated and worst of all, anxiety and frequent panic attacks,

and it somehow affected my career and my balance of life which was quite sad.

I also had a brush with the pandemic in which my boyfriend was diagnosed as Covid positive,

and I, as his close contact.

It was really scary and worrying at the time as I didn't know what else to do aside from that,

but thank God, all was okay.

I was negative and he had fully recovered by now.

And that's it. 

There was no major thing happening in 2021 and it was quite a mundane and less exciting year,

but it was all fun-filled when spending it with my boyfriend who brought me for ice-cream and cake adventures,

and contributed to our weight gain.

Nevertheless, 2021 was okay.

And here hoping for a better and even more exciting year ahead!

Not too late to wish all a Happy New Year and may this year bring more love, comfort and exciting opportunities no matter in what you are doing!

Jenny~

Christmas!

 Christmas this year has brought upon lots of joy compared to last year!

My parents are finally back from Brunei and we were able to celebrate this day together with my boyfriend.

It was also on this day that I, for the first time, brought back a guy to meet my parents.

And it is a huge thing for me as I never bring any guys home to meet my parents or even post any pictures with any guys on my social medias.

To be able to bring back a man who has been there for me all this while during this pandemic to my parents is definitely a huge thing for me,

and honestly, I was a bit nervous when they met him as my parents do have quite a standard of liking,

but thank God, all went well and they were super fine meeting him.

On this day last year, it was our first date out on Christmas eve with my lousy outfit and his dashing looks,

and on this day this year, I thank God that we are strong together and moving on to a new phase which is meeting my parents.

Thank you for being so kind and understanding,

and thank you for being there for me all the time despite how busy work is nowadays.

To more Christmases together, love!

Jenny~

His birthday

 Happy birthday to my awesome and most supportive boyfriend!

I never thought that this year I would be able to celebrate someone else's birthday aside from mine,

and what more to say, my own boyfriend's birthday!

Honestly, after being single for so long, I somehow forgot how to celebrate my other half's birthday,

thus, the last minute card and also the mini celebration.

And from there, I realised that I need to start working hard to plan more wonderful events,

and also prepare more meaningful gifts like how I used to years ago.

To my love who might or might not be reading this post,

happy birthday love.

May you be blessed with lots of love, good health and lots of money so we can on cake and food adventure more often!

And may we celebrate more birthdays together in the future!

Jenny~

10th month

 Happy 10th month anniversary to both of us!
Last year on this date, I was super stoked of losing weight and waiting to attend my friend's wedding,

and wondering if I am able to meet someone new during the wedding.

Fast forward to today, 

I am now with not someone new, but someone who have always been there!

Thank you for being so patient and considerate with me despite my frequent mood swings,

and thank you for bringing me to eat and always telling me that I look okay despite giving me big eye reactions when I update about my current weight.

Though sometimes I do feel a bit angry or sad when I wasnt given the same amount of attention as you are with your phone,

you always know how to make things okay.

Thank you, dear.

To more fun times together,

and to more future adventures and laughters!

Jenny

Updates.

 It's been a while not updating this blog except for the monthly anniversary with my love.

It has been a really tough journey during this year's pandemic,

and honestly speaking, it has taken a toll on my physical and mental health as well.

When it comes to working at home, it has been exhausting and tiring.

People think that its easy working at home,

that we all just lie on the couch, attends some online classes or sending offline tasks to our pupils,

and then we can relax and go shopping or binge watching our series,

but honestly it doesn't happen in such a way.

I have been having anxiety and panic attacks for several nights now,

and it has caused me to have difficulty to sleep and rest when it is supposedly time to rest.

Waking up in the morning, 

sitting right in front of the screen, doing online Google Meets with the pupils,

assigning tasks for them, checking their attendance, keying in their attendance in two different platforms,

preparing tasks and lesson plans for the next day,

finishing up school works here and there,

attending Google Meets for workshops, briefing and all sort of things till 5pm.

and then, getting calls and last minute texts about work.

It is seriously frustrating and upsetting.

and my mental health has been seriously affected to the point of getting anxiety attacks,

of getting burnt out,

of getting easily annoyed when getting calls from work,

of losing temper easily when last minute calls for work and sometimes matter unrelated to me.

And it has also caused me to gain weight due to this hidden stress.

It's not easy dealing with all of this and I really wish to go back to school and work normally.

I really wish to get back to work, and finally have my deserving rest at home.

Instead of messing up my work time and rest time at home.

I can't imagine the immense stress of having to deal all of this if I have a family in the future.

Gosh.

My mind is tired and unproductive,

and all the things that I want to do and focus on are all in arrays due to this pandemic.

The unforgiving higher authorities that seem to ignore the time that we should be resting,

The endless works that are not bringing any benefits to our career and our kids,

The illogical workshops that seem to share the best practices and yet can't be applied in the current situations,

seriously, can you just stop?

When the officer asked me the other day if we did any motivation talks or workshops for teachers,

all I could think of to answer him is this,

give us a break. 

stop pushing us to attend meaningless things.

and stop pressuring us to achieve the "perfect data"

Jenny

9.11

Today marks our 9th month together.

Time passes fast when spent together with people that we love,

and it's true. 

In a glimpse of time, it has been 9 months together,

and it's been a fun journey,

a journey where we unlock and discover each other's new characteristics,

a journey where we find comfort in each other despite the hectic life at work,

and a journey of trying to complete each other in where we lack of.

Thanks for being at my side all the time despite how much I am lacking,

and thanks for being patient with me though I easily lose my patience at times.

To more months and years together, love!

Jenny.

9.10

 Happy 8th month, love.

It was indeed a pity that we could not celebrate this day together due to the current situation.

Nevertheless, hope you are going to feel better,

and once we are free from quarantine,

we are going to stick with one another once more like how we used to.

Thank you for being my companion all this while.

Helping me to feel calm and peaceful at all time.

Thank you for making me feel the luckiest girl ever,

having someone who understand me and always there to listen to me.

Despite there are times where I easily got sensitive with you and your attachment to your phone,

but I am grateful that you would listen to me most of the time,

and accompany me while giving me your attention which I love the most.

Thanks for making me laugh all the time with your silly expressions and your laughter.

To more months and years ahead, bao.

Jenny~

Nightmare

 No matter how much we tried to protect ourselves from Covid, 

it's always out there.

My boyfriend was diagnosed positive today despite not joining any social gatherings,

and have been observing good hygienic practices.

But I guess, it's difficult to do so at his workplace,

and he might have caught it at his workplace.

It saddens me a lot when hearing he was positive Covid.

For now, he had flu and symptomatic.

I have also now started to do some self isolation at home to reduce any risk or exposure to people around me.

I did my first self test and thank God, it was negative.

And here I am hoping that the next few tests in several days to come would also be negative too.

I nearly cried when I told my parents about it.

I tried my best to be strong but I guess they can hear the crack of my voice,

so they tried their best to cheer me up and make feel less worried.

My boyfriend, knowing that I am a super worried person, tried to make me feel better,

and it saddens me a lot that I couldn't be there for him at this current moment.

So yeah, I shed a few tears here and there due to my current period and the current situation.

I just thought we were going to celebrate tomorrow a little bit, 

but I guess it can wait.

Hoping that all will be fine and then we can meet each other real soon.

Covid sucks.

Jenny~

9.9.2021

 Happy 7th month!

I noticed that I love to keep track of how many months we have been spending together, 

and I am so thankful and grateful that we have entered our 7th month together. 

Laughing, teasing and making each other warm and happy is a bliss despite the current curse of pandemic.

Thank you for always being at my side.

Despite how busy you are right now with your booming business,

thank you for making some time for me and making sure that I always receive the ample amount of attention and time from you.

May you earn more and buy more pork for me!

 

Thanks for being such an awesome boyfriend!

Jenny~

9.8.2021

 Happy 6th month, love.

Time passes so fast and we have been together for half of 2021 already!

Thank you for being the one who I can lean on during happiness as well as in sadness.

Thank you for accepting me with or without any lipstick,

and thank you for always being there for me.

There are times when I annoyed you and make you pissed off due to my ignorance,

and there are times when I got "shot" by you for days and eventually, I'm the one who got pissed,

but these are the little things that make us grow even closer with one another.

Thank you for everything, love.

May we continue to walk together with our couple shoes and have a wonderful time being in each other's company!

Jenny

If you can choose

 The other day, I had an online lesson with my pupils, 

and we came across this sentence in the stanza that mentioned the feeling of missing the old times,

and I struck up a question to my pupils,

if you choose to go back to a time, which moment would you want to be back and why?

They gave many different answers and mixed feedbacks as well,

some of them wished to go back to the past where they had more fun with friends,

and some of them prefer current moment as this is the time for them to grow mature and gain new experiences.

And then I thought to myself, which moment would I want to be back to and why?

I wish to go back to the times when there was no pandemic,

the time when we were free to go anywhere we want without any fear,

without the anxiety of we gonna get something bad when we go out,

the time when hanging out with friends or just having a meal at a cafeteria doesn't seem scary,

and the time when I can meet my pupils and colleagues and share wonderful times and stories with them.

But I am truly happy with the current moment as well.

This pandemic brought mixed feelings to me as if it's not because of this pandemic,

I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's wedding which was done at such a wonderful place,

I might not get the chance to be the bridesmaid and same goes to my other half,

and I might not get to meet him too.

I guess the only good thing this pandemic brought to me is my other half whom I love and cherish the most.

But honestly, this pandemic has brought its worst effects to me too.

The feeling of fear and anxiety is constantly there,

the feeling of loneliness especially during working hours at home has greatly impact my work performance to an extent of getting burnout.

The unbalanced lifestyle whereby I was not able to relax at my own home and constantly working day in day out has severely caused me to lose myself at times,

I was only able to pull through because of my other half who has been supporting me and calming me down during some of my bad days.

It is difficult, guys.

It is really difficult.

How I wish this will end now.

Please end now, Covid-19.

Jenny.

5th month

 Happy 5th month to us.

It didn't feel like it was only 5 months with you,

instead it feels like it has been ages with you.

Thank you for being my strength and my source of laughter.

Thank you for being at my side at all times especially during my down times, stressful times and also my sick and overthinking days.

To more days, weeks, months and years ahead.

May we laugh more and love more with each day to look forward to together.

Jenny~

My Love

 So I watched this movie, My Love, recommended by my boyfriend.

At the first glance, I thought it would be just a normal high school love story where at the end of the day,

the male character and female character didn't get together.

And it was indeed the plot of the story.

But there were several parts that triggered the sadness in me and as if it brought me to the past.

Words.

Words are the most wonderful things that could be spoken and heard.

And yet, it brings the most damage to the person closest to you when used wrongly.

Timing.

Not all timing was right.

Just when we thought that the timing was right, it wasn't,

and both parties were hurt because of it.

Moving on.

Moving on hurts.

Moving on after such a great length of year wasn't easy at all.

But the moment you decided that it's over,

and walked towards a new beginning,

it would be the most wonderful amidst the most heartbreaking thing to do.

Goodbye to the lovely days,

Hello to even more lovelier days ahead.

Goodbye to the lonely days,

Hello to brighter days ahead.

Stop pacing back and forth in darkness.

It's time to take the courageous step forward into the brightness,

and you might find someone is there to take your hands.

Jenny.

9.6.2021

 Happy 4th month, love.

Thank you for being there at all times for me.

Thank you for willing to pick up new skill which is cooking skill.

Thank you for making and sending me breakfasts,

You do not know how happy I felt these days having someone like you to cook for me despite still learning,

You make my dreams come true which is to have someone cook for me despite just a beginner,

and because of that,

I love you more and more each day.

Thank you for being there for me and dealing with my anxiety at all times.

Thank you for making me feel safe and comforted at all times,

and thank you for just being present in my life at all times.

To more months ahead,

and to more fun times together.

Love, 

Jenny

Frustrated

 Day by day,

I asked myself if it's really worth it to be as workaholic as I used to be.

I used to be someone who is ever ready to do what is instructed even though it isn't my work,

I was always ready to help out and assist,

I was always ready to take orders and force myself to work for long hours at school as well as home.

But now,

it felt different.

It felt frustrating when I am keen to complete the job,

and yet people above me is not.

It felt frustrating when I am all out to complete the job,

but the person above me is holding out and yet giving pressure on me,

expecting a great job done but not giving the essential information.

It felt frustrating when jobs that were not supposed to be done by me,

and yet, I have to be the one to assist works that are unrelated to my field,

and completely out of my expertise.

Once completed, I have to be the one to be submitting it as if it's my job,

as if it's my work,

as if it's my assignment,

when it is not.

I pity those who were forced to sit together and do the work,

when it is literally not our work.

Not even hearing the word thank you coming from him,

and yet, dare to tell me that if I am giving him a hard time, he will do the same to me,

when this is supposed to be his work.

It breaks my heart when this happened today.

I was always being respectful and always being helpful,

I guess it finally backfired in my face.

Wish I was not proactive and so busybody, asking for jobs.

Now, unrelated jobs are given to me just for the sake of completing it,

and they take the credits for it.

Damn.

Jenny

09.05.2021

 3rd month of being together makes me feel happier day by day.

Thank you for being at my side during my emo seasons,

and also during those random moments.

Though there were times that I always said the wrong thing at the wrong timing,

I'm glad that we talked it out and eventually knowing more about one another through the process.

Thank you for being such a caring person,

someone who I wouldn't be shy to ask for help and assistance,

someone who would always be at my side at all times,

and someone who gives me unlimited attention and making sure that I always feel accompanied.

Thank you for letting me into your life and your family too.

All these things that you have done for me make me happier and feel more loved day by day.

To more fun and better days ahead,

and to more lovely and funny moments to create with you!

Jenny~