Resolutions.
I remembered having set some resolutions in 2019.
Let's recap and reflect on those goals that I have set in 2019.
1. To work hard in both my career and studies.
= Well, I achieved this goal for sure. 2019 was the year where I worked my ass off in both career and my studies. I remembered how fulfilling and tiring it was at the same time trying to balance both my career and studies at the same time. There were times when I had meltdown as I was contemplating and started to regret on the amount of workloads that I have brought upon to myself. But at the end of the day, I was glad that I pulled through those lonely nights, trying to complete my assignments as well as preparing my lessons and meeting deadlines for both aspects.
= Good news for 2020?
- Workloads seem to be still the same but a little exciting as I am going to be involved in organising several events which I can go out and meet new people!
- Studies are coming to an end! All is left is editing my project paper as well as my article, going off for a conference and get my paper published and then, #road toconvocation!
2. To pick up a dance class for the sake of my career
= I didnt achieve this goal at all. I didnt sign up for a class as I was too preoccupied of getting my work done at school as well as in my studies.
= Good news for 2020?
- Well, I don't think I am going to pick up the class after all. I rather spend the time on myself and try to rest and relax as much as possible after having such 2 hectic years that were mostly comprised of going back and forth to school as well as university.
3. To be happy regardless of what happens throughout the year.
= 2019 is the year that I achieved this goal though there were several roadblocks on the way. One of it was meeting him in a briefing for a competition and receiving endless updates about him. And the only way to push him away from my life was being occupied with works. And that's the best thing that ever happened to me as I grew happier and more comfortable with the current condition I am in.
4. To be less troubled with matters that are out of my control.
= 2019 is also the year where I reset my mindset and my view on things that are out of my control which includes relationship. And that was the best decision that I ever made as I was able to focus on myself, my career and my self development instead of weeping about relationship. 2019 was also the year where I stopped searching and just truly enjoy living with how things are. And 2019 was also the year where I stopped talking about how lonely I am as well as how much I missed those old days with him. A pat to myself!
All in all, 2019 was a pretty good year for me.
A year where I was flourishing in my career,
A year where my sanity was tested with countless number of assignments to be completed in the shortest time,
A year where I get to go to new places for the sake of work demands and enjoy being solo,
And a year where I decided to love myself instead of loving the past.
2020.
My goal for 2020 is going to be simple.
To love myself more,
To find happiness in whatever that occurs in life,
and always anticipate the unknown ventures.
Jenny~
Hi!
It's been a while not updating this blog especially during the long holidays.
So let's recap a bit on 2019 and what I am expecting on 2020.
2019.
2019 was a year where I had a mix of emotions throughout the year.
Ranging from being happy to being stressed at work and studies.
Happiness.
I found my happiness in my work and studies despite the occasional complaints of how tiring it is to juggle between two.
Work has been great and led me to learn as well as experience new ventures.
I got to go out a lot, travel to different parts of the state for work demands, sleep in various hotels and most importantly, learning to embrace this solo spirit through work demands.
I am glad that my colleagues were really helpful and have been the drive for me to be sane when dealing with so much work demands.
Unappreciated.
2019 was also a year where I felt unappreciated by my pupils.
Despite how much I have sacrificed for them and seeing them getting good results,
I thought I would at least received a simple "thank you" or a little gift from them as a token of appreciation,
but nothing.
I was quite upset and demotivated at the end of the day before I reminded myself that my main goal of teaching is to see changes amongst the weaker ones,
those who none believe could pass in the killer subject of English Language,
and though unappreciated, I am still proud of them who passed the subject despite my constant nagging, threatening, scolding and glaring.
Stress.
I was quite stressed out this year due to assignments.
The difficulty of juggling my time between work, assignments as well as my procrastination has actually taken a toll on myself,
which ended up on me being an emo freak or having mood swings.
And honestly, all those emo post is actually not dedicated to anyone,
it's the side effects of all the waves of workloads and assignments and papers to write in order to graduate in 2020.
Last but not least, self discovery.
2019 is the year where I stopped thinking or searching the love of my life.
Instead, I put it aside and placed my whole focus on my self development in work and studies.
And honestly speaking, though at times, it felt great but there are also times when loneliness strikes.
But it is through these loneliness and self discovery that made me realise that rushing into things won't make things happen after all.
It also made me realise that no matter how much I love a person, once he has turned his back on me, it is time for me to turn my back on him too.
Therefore, I told myself that I deserve someone better,
and I decided not be chosen, but to be the chooser.
I have also decided to let things go with the flow and focus on loving as well as prioritising myself first.
Therefore, 2019 was indeed a great year and I am happy to end the chapter of 2019 with good vibes.
2020.
I am looking forward to all the unknown ventures,
unknown conquests,
unknown experiences and new things,
unknown people,
and unknown relationship.
May 2020 be a great year for you and me!
Jenny~
It's been a while not updating this blog especially during the long holidays.
So let's recap a bit on 2019 and what I am expecting on 2020.
2019.
2019 was a year where I had a mix of emotions throughout the year.
Ranging from being happy to being stressed at work and studies.
Happiness.
I found my happiness in my work and studies despite the occasional complaints of how tiring it is to juggle between two.
Work has been great and led me to learn as well as experience new ventures.
I got to go out a lot, travel to different parts of the state for work demands, sleep in various hotels and most importantly, learning to embrace this solo spirit through work demands.
I am glad that my colleagues were really helpful and have been the drive for me to be sane when dealing with so much work demands.
Unappreciated.
2019 was also a year where I felt unappreciated by my pupils.
Despite how much I have sacrificed for them and seeing them getting good results,
I thought I would at least received a simple "thank you" or a little gift from them as a token of appreciation,
but nothing.
I was quite upset and demotivated at the end of the day before I reminded myself that my main goal of teaching is to see changes amongst the weaker ones,
those who none believe could pass in the killer subject of English Language,
and though unappreciated, I am still proud of them who passed the subject despite my constant nagging, threatening, scolding and glaring.
Stress.
I was quite stressed out this year due to assignments.
The difficulty of juggling my time between work, assignments as well as my procrastination has actually taken a toll on myself,
which ended up on me being an emo freak or having mood swings.
And honestly, all those emo post is actually not dedicated to anyone,
it's the side effects of all the waves of workloads and assignments and papers to write in order to graduate in 2020.
Last but not least, self discovery.
2019 is the year where I stopped thinking or searching the love of my life.
Instead, I put it aside and placed my whole focus on my self development in work and studies.
And honestly speaking, though at times, it felt great but there are also times when loneliness strikes.
But it is through these loneliness and self discovery that made me realise that rushing into things won't make things happen after all.
It also made me realise that no matter how much I love a person, once he has turned his back on me, it is time for me to turn my back on him too.
Therefore, I told myself that I deserve someone better,
and I decided not be chosen, but to be the chooser.
I have also decided to let things go with the flow and focus on loving as well as prioritising myself first.
Therefore, 2019 was indeed a great year and I am happy to end the chapter of 2019 with good vibes.
2020.
I am looking forward to all the unknown ventures,
unknown conquests,
unknown experiences and new things,
unknown people,
and unknown relationship.
May 2020 be a great year for you and me!
Jenny~
How is she?
Is she doing fine now?
Is she still sitting at the cafe, waiting for someone to come and make her light up?
Or has she packed up and head to the train station?
Has she took the next train?
Or is she still waiting for the train to come?
She is still there.
Sitting on the bench alone.
Covered with her red scarf,
Her eyes glistened with tears.
How long does she has to be here?
How much longer should she wait?
Where should she go next?
She looked up at the sky,
And closed her eyes.
He is still there.
She opened her eyes,
stood up,
and walked aimlessly,
not knowing where to go next,
what to do next,
and who to meet next.
She smiled to every stranger,
though her heart aches.
She made small talks with people around her,
though her heart still longs for him.
She talked about moving on,
when she hasn't moved on.
She was okay,
but she isn't.
She needs a closure.
She needs a reason.
To move on.
Jenny~
Is she doing fine now?
Is she still sitting at the cafe, waiting for someone to come and make her light up?
Or has she packed up and head to the train station?
Has she took the next train?
Or is she still waiting for the train to come?
She is still there.
Sitting on the bench alone.
Covered with her red scarf,
Her eyes glistened with tears.
How long does she has to be here?
How much longer should she wait?
Where should she go next?
She looked up at the sky,
And closed her eyes.
He is still there.
She opened her eyes,
stood up,
and walked aimlessly,
not knowing where to go next,
what to do next,
and who to meet next.
She smiled to every stranger,
though her heart aches.
She made small talks with people around her,
though her heart still longs for him.
She talked about moving on,
when she hasn't moved on.
She was okay,
but she isn't.
She needs a closure.
She needs a reason.
To move on.
Jenny~
Holidays.
Finally, the long awaited break has eventually arrived.
And as usual, everyone is excited with the long break,
excited with their upcoming travel plans, or just spending their time with their families,
but not for me.
For me,
holidays mean studies.
And yes, I am now in my final semester of my Masters journey,
and I am still in the midst of completing my project paper which has been put off for several months due to hectic workloads.
Therefore, this long break is going to be filled with lots of heartaches and stress to complete as well as hand in the necessary tasks before really going off for a break.
Unlike other people, I am always feeling down when it comes to holidays.
The feeling of being at home alone,
with no one to talk or laugh with,
with no one surrounding me and making feel accompanied,
makes me at times dread for holidays, especially long ones.
Holidays also remind me of someone.
Time passes and he still lingers in my mind.
Time passes and his presence, smile and those conversations still hitting the replay button in my head.
And only work could pause and eliminate these old aches.
Save me from plunging deeper into this dark pit of workloads,
Save me from continuously seeking my way into this dark pit of workloads,
Somebody save me.
Jenny~
Busiest time of my life.
Busy with school events,
school workloads,
documents for observations,
documents for parents' meeting,
courses and fulfilling duties as per instructed by the higher authorities,
assignments,
my incomplete paper.
It is always during the busiest time of my life that makes me miss your presence the most when its too unbearable.
It is always during the busiest time of my life that makes me addicted with the exhilaration and pressure that I forgot to let go of myself at times.
And it is always during the busiest time of my life that makes me the happiest even though under the most intense pressure,
and when everything has been settled,
it is always going to be the loneliest, saddest and hardest reality to face,
the reality that I am still alone,
lonely.
Jenny.
I had just came back from Lawas couple of days ago to give a short briefing on a certain part of a course.
And the feeling was great.
I remembered how all the teachers first saw me and had the impression that I was just a small kid,
who knew nothing,
and who are inexperienced with my own knowledge.
I remembered how the lecturers and the officer were staring at me with two kinds of impression,
An impression of gratitude as I am able to assist them,
and an impression of being wary and doubtful whether I am able to assist them.
And because of that, it geared up my level of motivation,
of wanting to do better and to be the best in my field of work,
especially in terms of delivering the content that I am supposed to deliver.
I told myself that in order to gain respect from people,
I should first respect them and always stay humble.
And that was what I did in three slots of my briefing in the course for two days one night in Lawas.
The result?
The lecturers were really nice to me and wished me the best in my future endeavors.
The way they looked at me have changed and gave me the sense of satisfaction whenever they talked to me.
The officer who doubted me became someone who shared the most insights with me.
And I am thankful and grateful for her doubts as that has empowered me into being the most confident speaker in front of almost 80 teachers.
The course participants which comprised of senior and young teachers were attentive and the friendliest by the end of my slot.
The way they approached me and wished me safe journey back to Miri as well as thanking me for everything that I have shared,
those are the little things that bring so much joy and motivation for me to do better in the next duty.
I realised that as I am growing more mature,
I do not need high salary to feel satisfied with my achievement,
all I need are the littlest things such as being appreciated and thanked for the things that I have done for them.
Because in my life, I hold on to people's views on me and I would work hard just to show people that I can and I will be better.
Because in my life, I observed people and I learnt as well as practiced only the good ones on myself in order to be different from the people that I mingled with.
And most importantly, in my life, I want to be the best version of myself so that I would not be left in regrets for not doing so.
I seek the best for myself in order to meet the best for myself in near future.
Jenny~
And the feeling was great.
I remembered how all the teachers first saw me and had the impression that I was just a small kid,
who knew nothing,
and who are inexperienced with my own knowledge.
I remembered how the lecturers and the officer were staring at me with two kinds of impression,
An impression of gratitude as I am able to assist them,
and an impression of being wary and doubtful whether I am able to assist them.
And because of that, it geared up my level of motivation,
of wanting to do better and to be the best in my field of work,
especially in terms of delivering the content that I am supposed to deliver.
I told myself that in order to gain respect from people,
I should first respect them and always stay humble.
And that was what I did in three slots of my briefing in the course for two days one night in Lawas.
The result?
The lecturers were really nice to me and wished me the best in my future endeavors.
The way they looked at me have changed and gave me the sense of satisfaction whenever they talked to me.
The officer who doubted me became someone who shared the most insights with me.
And I am thankful and grateful for her doubts as that has empowered me into being the most confident speaker in front of almost 80 teachers.
The course participants which comprised of senior and young teachers were attentive and the friendliest by the end of my slot.
The way they approached me and wished me safe journey back to Miri as well as thanking me for everything that I have shared,
those are the little things that bring so much joy and motivation for me to do better in the next duty.
I realised that as I am growing more mature,
I do not need high salary to feel satisfied with my achievement,
all I need are the littlest things such as being appreciated and thanked for the things that I have done for them.
Because in my life, I hold on to people's views on me and I would work hard just to show people that I can and I will be better.
Because in my life, I observed people and I learnt as well as practiced only the good ones on myself in order to be different from the people that I mingled with.
And most importantly, in my life, I want to be the best version of myself so that I would not be left in regrets for not doing so.
I seek the best for myself in order to meet the best for myself in near future.
Jenny~
Being in my 5th year in my career somehow opens my eyes to many things around me,
and one of the major changes that I experience in my 5th year career is on my perceptions of the pupils that I am teaching,
especially those who are in Year 6 and are now reaching to their most rebellious stages.
I remembered how I hated to teach weak pupils,
how I always perceive them as the "bad students", "naughty pupils", those who would never succeed in life.
However, after 2016 batch of Year 6 where I witnessed a miracle of my weakest pupils passing their English Language papers after 2 years of trying my very best to help them,
my view on these "naughty pupils" have changed drastically.
Not only that, my feelings and the way I tried to approach them during my teaching as well as after class hours have also changed a lot.
Nowadays, I tried to build good relationship with them,
Trying my best to be firm, stern and a fear to them,
while at the same time, being friendly, the joker of the class and always know how to inject humor in every situations with them during the teaching session.
By doing so, I realised that I am now closer to them,
I slowly see their true colours and despite all the naughtiness and worst things that they ever done,
all they wanted is attention and someone who is willing to listen without directly judging them.
I am saddened by some teachers' attitudes who directly labeled these kids due to their mistakes in lives
I am saddened by some teachers who look at them as horrible creatures due to their wrongdoings in the past years,
and I am indeed saddened by some teachers who gave up on them right from the start instead of trying their best to re-evaluate themselves in the teaching process.
I nearly gave up teaching this year's batch of Year 6,
I was in a lot of frustration and anger when dealing a class filled with boys,
I walked out of the class in anger, slammed tables with my fist, shouted at the pupils in anger and launched a cold war with those kids due to immense anger and fury,
but at the end of the day, I still respect them and tried my best to reflect on my actions,
while figuring out how I could help them.
There are times that they are at fault, and as a teacher, as long as we can help them, we should try to help them by all means.
I do not believe in giving up on them,
I believe that they are sent to me for a reason,
and the reason is that I should touch their heart instead of just ensuring they excel in their studies.
5th year of career,
I have finally found out what kind of teacher I need to be,
a teacher who touches a pupil's heart,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see the better in the worst situation,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see their own potentials and eventually be successful regardless of what they are doing.
I couldn't promise 100% of my pupils would be successful in the future,
but I believe in 100%, there would always be that one or two who would make me proud when they grow up.
Jenny~
and one of the major changes that I experience in my 5th year career is on my perceptions of the pupils that I am teaching,
especially those who are in Year 6 and are now reaching to their most rebellious stages.
I remembered how I hated to teach weak pupils,
how I always perceive them as the "bad students", "naughty pupils", those who would never succeed in life.
However, after 2016 batch of Year 6 where I witnessed a miracle of my weakest pupils passing their English Language papers after 2 years of trying my very best to help them,
my view on these "naughty pupils" have changed drastically.
Not only that, my feelings and the way I tried to approach them during my teaching as well as after class hours have also changed a lot.
Nowadays, I tried to build good relationship with them,
Trying my best to be firm, stern and a fear to them,
while at the same time, being friendly, the joker of the class and always know how to inject humor in every situations with them during the teaching session.
By doing so, I realised that I am now closer to them,
I slowly see their true colours and despite all the naughtiness and worst things that they ever done,
all they wanted is attention and someone who is willing to listen without directly judging them.
I am saddened by some teachers' attitudes who directly labeled these kids due to their mistakes in lives
I am saddened by some teachers who look at them as horrible creatures due to their wrongdoings in the past years,
and I am indeed saddened by some teachers who gave up on them right from the start instead of trying their best to re-evaluate themselves in the teaching process.
I nearly gave up teaching this year's batch of Year 6,
I was in a lot of frustration and anger when dealing a class filled with boys,
I walked out of the class in anger, slammed tables with my fist, shouted at the pupils in anger and launched a cold war with those kids due to immense anger and fury,
but at the end of the day, I still respect them and tried my best to reflect on my actions,
while figuring out how I could help them.
There are times that they are at fault, and as a teacher, as long as we can help them, we should try to help them by all means.
I do not believe in giving up on them,
I believe that they are sent to me for a reason,
and the reason is that I should touch their heart instead of just ensuring they excel in their studies.
5th year of career,
I have finally found out what kind of teacher I need to be,
a teacher who touches a pupil's heart,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see the better in the worst situation,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see their own potentials and eventually be successful regardless of what they are doing.
I couldn't promise 100% of my pupils would be successful in the future,
but I believe in 100%, there would always be that one or two who would make me proud when they grow up.
Jenny~
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