Unfair

There are times when I felt unfair,

unfair on why some people could easily complain and get excused in work,

unfair on how people who don't really work still get recognition while those working their asses off aren't getting any,

unfair on why these people are still sitting in the office "working" while complaining about their work,

unfair on why they could simply use the terms such as "burnout", "stress" and "couldn't sleep at night" just because of an upcoming competition.

I am not a perfect person,

some people say that I am a crazy workaholic lady who takes upon all kinds of jobs,

but mind you,

I dont work for recognition,

I dont work for the sake of achieving fame,

I work for the sake of my school and my pupils,

I make things happen because I wanted to try new challenges,

I create new things in school because I have faith that things would work out even if it means that I have to stay back at school every afternoon,

I accept jobs because I was not given any choice to,

I tried rejecting jobs but who am I to say no when my big boss trusts me with more and more responsibilities each day.

There are days when I wished I could just stop and rest,

Days when I wished I could just go back home and sleep,

Days when I wished I don't have to do anything but to teach.

But I know that I couldn't stop myself from working.

Work has became my current obsession.

My place to escape reality.

My place to escape from the constant overthinking about things.

And my toxic happiness.

Therefore, before you complain about your endless work,

please step into someone else's shoes before even dare to declare that you are burnout.

Your attitude is what burns you down.

So walk the talk,

be the role model that you wish to be remembered with,

and not the person who only knows how to complain, reprimand and talk bad about someone else's work or achievements.

Jenny~

New place

I remembered how I hated changes.

How I hated to move around and having to adjust at a new place.

How I hated to make new friends and leaving people whom I am comfortable.

How I always felt sad when change happened,

and how I always despised change.

But now,

I have finally brought myself to embrace change.

A change in the environment where I am staying,

Moving to a new place helped me to start over my life,

and renew myself again.

I thought I would miss the old place I stayed,

but I guess I am not.

I am glad to move out,

I am glad that I have the chance to start anew at a new place,

and leaving all the memories at the place where it should be.

A change with my attitude with people,

A change whereby I stopped clinging to people to be happy,

and starting to feel happy with loneliness that I am dealing with.

I am thankful and grateful that I found the new meaning of love,

where love should be first poured to myself,

where love should be treating myself well,

and love should be from within before it radiates to other people.

I finally stopped myself from chasing after love,

I finally stopped putting hopes and expectations to people I just met,

and finally, focusing on myself.

Change is inevitable.

Embrace change,

and fall in love with the process.

Jenny~

27.

Happy birthday to me, myself and I.
26 has been a great year,
despite the ups and downs,
26 has been an eye opening age where I learnt a lot.
Learnt to embrace both happiness and sadness.
Learnt to let go when the time comes.
Learnt how to focus on myself more than anyone else.
Learnt to finally prioritise my time and happiness above all.

I am thankful for the people around me this year,
thankful to my parents who decided to drop by though it was a short weekend,
brought me food and offered me with much laughter, warmth and of course, lecture session.

I am thankful for my best friend,
who sent me presents despite not asking for it (this year!),
for just being there for me.

I am thankful for my colleagues who wished me good wishes,
who brought me out for a lunch treat,
who never fails to make me laugh my heart out,
or just being there to listen to my complaints at work as well as in personal life.

I am thankful for all my friends who wished me well,
Old friends who have kept me in company since primary and secondary school.
Old friends who are now a part of my family since IPG,
New friends whom I just met while doing my Masters program,
and new friends who brighten up my day though we were not very close in classes.

Thank you everyone.
Thank you for remembering,
Thank you for the well wishes,
and thank you for just being there.

27.
Let's create awesomeness.

Jenny~

Always.

Holidays have started and ended in a glimpse.
And this time, I spent my week long holiday back in UKM as I am still on my journey to get my Masters.
I didn't regret the choice as I was able to meet back my friends,
and experiencing hostel life again.
It does bring back a lot of memories,
especially when it is spent with close friends.

Before I went back to Miri,
I spent some time with one of my closest friends,
talking about what has been going on in my life and relationship,
and without noticing,
I was already telling her stories about that one man whom I encountered 10 years ago during my studies back in Keningau.
And all the memories came back to me like it had just happened the day before.
I could still remember his eyes,
his smiles,
his awkward gestures,
and most importantly, his sincerity.

I always wondered why I couldn't move past him though it has been 10 years already.
My friends especially my ex-roommate was also asking me the same thing as to why he always appear in our conversations whenever we talked about relationships.
And last night, it just hit me.
He is, was and always will be a part of my memory because of his sincerity,
because of how sincere he waited for me and always tried to be close to me though we were separated from one another,
about how he wasn't shy or embarrassed to leave his counter during work just to say hi to me.
and about how, miraculously, he appeared during the saddest moment of my life,
and turned it around.

He was the only guy that my heart and mind still remember every little detail,
He was the only guy that I could still remember his voice clearly,
and he was the only guy that grab hold of my heart until today.
I wish to see him again,
not to build any relationship,
but to thank him for the wonderful memories that he indirectly left for me,
as well as for being the benchmark of what kind of guy I am looking for in my life.

Seek a man who stares at you like he did,
at the most sincere manner,
Seek a man who is brave enough to come close to you,
without having any fear of being judged,
And seek a man who would always look after you without you noticing,
someone who could make you remember him for another 10 years.

Jenny~

Your news

As she sat on her train watching the day passes her by,

she stared at the papers on her tables,

at the books that were scattered in front of her,

she looked at her place absent-mindedly

and wondered, how is her place became so messed up.

She wondered if all these stuffs would mean anything to her at the end of the day,

she was fighting with her inner self who kept trying to bring her back to truth,

to the truth that she had been trying her best to steer clear and far away with,

the truth that she still missed his presence even for one moment.

As she was sitting at her place, trying to figure out the meanings behind her papers,

she overheard someone talking about him,

she listened,

and unknowingly, she let out a sigh.

Her heart breaks a little when she heard about him,

about how he is right now,

about how happy he is as though as she had never existed in his memories.

She looked up,

and stood up.

She cleared her table,

and walked away.

Away from the truth,

away from the news about him,

away from the knowledge about him,

just away.

She hated herself for feeling anything for him.

She hated herself for even missing such a person.

Jenny~

Strangers with memories

I always imagined myself meeting you,
in different kind of situations,
in different kind of moods.

I always imagined myself being angry,
being cold,
being warm and happy,
expecting something in return when we meet.

But who would ever knew I would meet you,
in real life,
the other day?
It was devastating as someone you knew so well,
someone you have created so much memories with,
is now a stranger in front of you.

If you asked me how did I react with it,
I could tell you that my heart skipped a beat when I saw you from far.
I smiled even though I did not look into your eyes.
I thought that though we might no have contacted one another,
you would still remember me as a friend.
But you walked on, not noticing me,
and my smile disappeared.
I looked at my phone,
and thought of only one thing.

Why should I let the past to bother my present?
I am happy with the current situation,
I am happy with the peace that I have found from distancing myself from toxic relationships,
I am happy that I am loving myself, instead of hoping for attention from someone else to make me complete.
And with that thoughts,
I stood up at the end of the meeting and left,
without turning my back.

I drove away,
and telling myself that there is no point of waiting or even be sad about someone who have long ago replaced me with someone or something else.
I drove away,
heading to my comfort zone: work.

When your presence has left me with no feelings of pain or happiness,
When your presence has left me undisturbed,
and when your presence has left me with not even an inch of hope that you will be back into my life,
be known that you have now belonged to my past,
and now a stranger with memories.

Jenny~

31.01

Today is the last day of January,

and heading into February.

A month has passed,

and yet, workloads seem to never cease.

It reaches to a point where I feel like shutting my phone,

locking myself in a room,

where there would not be any notification sounds,

no reminders,

and no alarms.

Working is exhausting.

I am exhausted physically and mentally.

No matter how I tried to look strong and happy,

inside me,

I know I am struggling.

Struggling to keep my head up,

to keep myself fighting through sadness,

loneliness,

desperation,

and disappointment.

I wish things would get better.

I wish that everything is going to be alright

eventually.

Jenny~