Stop Hiding

Stop hiding.
Sometimes, I hate myself for allowing my feelings overpower my whole thinking.
In these few years,
I have been doing reflections on myself,
my feelings as well as how I am leading my daily life.

I realised that I have allowed my feelings to conquer my thinking almost daily.
I also realised that I became an extreme person,
who takes extreme measures.
My mood swings are terrible where I can be happy and laughing,
and then, sad and crying for no apparent reason.
I think in extreme measures,
whereby it's either I can start building up my imagination of a future with a man who I just met,
or I can already imagine the worse happenings when a person left my side.
There seems to be no "middle" for a person like me.

At times,
I thought to myself,
why do I overthink so much?
What am I so insecure?
Why do i feel a great grief and sadness everytime a person leaves my side?
Why can't I accept that things happen for a reason, and I am the only reason of all these overthinking?
There are times I wish I could just stop thinking,
stop feeling,
and just stop.
There are times I wish I could lock myself up in a room,
where I don't meet with anyone,
and don't get attached.

But at the end of the day,
what has been holding me down is not him or her,
it has always been me.
When I talked to my counselor,
or seek answers from God,
I find that the answers have always been around me.
That I am the one who has been tormenting myself with unrealistic thoughts,
making things so difficult when it has already been difficult.
Always clinging to something that I always say I could let go,
but in the end, I couldn't.
Always trying to rush into things especially relationships,
and then building up unrealistic thoughts and expectations,
when everything was just budding,
and eventually blaming myself when things didn't work out like how I have imagined it to be.

It's difficult being me.
I used to wish that I would be able to meet the one who could accept me in this package,
but I myself couldn't even accept myself,
what more to say if it's someone else?
I always tell myself to change,
to be stronger,
but hiding behind these so-called-stronger-version-of-me while inside, I am hurting and struggling.
Therefore, it's time to accept the fact that I am weak,
that I need help,
and that, it's okay to just cry it out when I need to.
Because no matter how great a storm is,
there will come a day when the sun will come out.

Jenny.