Scared to fall

I always thought I am ready for a relationship,
always thought I am ready for a long life commitment when the time has come,
ready to be called someone's wife and build a family,
like what most of my friends are doing currently,
I always thought I was ready,
until one day I realised that I wasn't.

The incident with the man has brought me to realise that I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready to fall in love after going through heartbreaks after heartbreaks,
I wasn't ready to lose the freedom that I have obtained after struggling with myself,
I wasn't ready to walk the next step ahead with another man whom I was sure I was not in love with,
I wasn't ready to let go of the baggage of memories with another person.
and I wasn't mentally prepared to be in a relationship.

I am scared.
As I grew older, I became timid with the word relationship.
I am scared that I am just wasting my time with a person whose not for me.
I am scared that it wouldn't turn out like what I hoped it would be.
I am scared that I would give too much and eventually, get broken again.
I am scared to fall,
and hurt again.

And because of that,
I slowly find that being alone is fun,
being alone lets me do the things that I want,
and being alone lets me find the peace that I have longed for.
Yes, I do want to be with someone,
but I am scared.
I am filled with doubts and what-ifs,
and I am feeling insecure after all the stuffs I have went through.

I never had a happy ending in my relationship,
therefore,
will I ever find the happy ending that was supposed to be mine?
Hold my hand.
Push me to fall,
and be there to catch me when I do,
because it could be the last one that I will ever fall again.

Jenny~