The unexpected fear

Last night was my cousin's wedding reception,
and I was a bit excited to attend with my family as I would be able to meet my relatives whom I haven't met for a long time.
However, it somehow turned into a stressful environment for me.
My cousin who was 34, has finally got married despite many of us thinking she wouldn't,
but I guess love has its own way to reach and touch her heart at the end of the day.

And me, as the onlooker, has a high hope of ending up like her as well no matter at what age I would be by then,
I believe that one day, I, too, would also be able to wear that wedding gown,
and walked down the aisle together with a man whom I love and loves me too.
But when my aunts started to corner me around with wedding / relationship questions,
I got a little overwhelmed to their "kindness" until I got a little stressed out because of it.

I was even stressed out when one of my aunts kept mentioning about how I should find a pure Chinese,
how I should pick guys based on their wealth,
job status,
and their "pure Chinese" label.
And when another aunt started to show me pictures of single man who was 34,
I was scared.
At that moment, I was scared of getting married or even getting committed in a long term relationship.
For the first time, I realised that I was not ready.
I was not ready to end this single life,
I was not ready to end the connection I had with him,
I was not up for it.

And that's the part where I also found out that it wasn't because the guy was not good looking,
or he was far too old for me,
but my heart isn't there.
Somehow, I have locked this little heart of mine to a place where it didn't simply beat for any guys,
where it didn't simply skipped a beat randomly on any kind of guys,
I realised I was feeling insecure.
I found that I am only ready for that one man,
who I knew I am ready for once he popped out the question,
who I knew would be my perfect fit.

And until that day comes,
I really hope that my love life would only be in my own control,
and no one else.
As I am the one who would be living with the guy of my choice for the rest of my life,
and I couldn't bear to surrender it to someone who couldn't make me say yes in the first place.

Jenny~