Turning point

Tonight's post is going to be a little different from the usual posts that I have always been writing.
If you do notice, I mostly talk about relationships, friendships as well as at times, my perspectives of life.
But today, I am going to talk about my health.

Few months ago, I discovered a bump under my tongue.
It was a hard bump and I can't see the existence of the bump with a mirror,
but I can always feel it with my finger and tongue.
Since it was painless, I didn't really think about it and treated it as something that's going to temporary.
After almost 5-6 months, I started to feel scared since the bump is still there,
and going through all kinds of articles in the Internet,
it somehow made me thought about it a lot, and I went and see the first doctor.
She told me that it was just a tongue-tie due to excessive talking,
and that, it's something normal.
She prescribed a tube of ointment for me to apply on it,
and she told me it will go away within weeks.

So, I trusted her and do so,
however, it's still there.
And finally, I braced myself to go to a specialist.
She did a thorough checkup and when she told me to immediately to go for CT scan,
I was speechless.
My brain was empty and filled with worries, though I tried to stay positive in front of my parents.
The specialist told me to go for CT scan to confirm whether it's either a cyst or a tumour,
and if it's really one of those two, I have to go through a surgery to remove it,
and further treatments.
We did not wait and immediately head to the hospital to register for a CT scan.
The next day, I got ready to go for it,
got injections and lied down on the bed.

During the procedure, there were a lot of things that went into my mind.
The first thing that crossed my mind was my family,
what if they have bear my medication cost?
Will they have enough money for my sister whose still studying?
And my mom, whose going to be extremely worried if something really bad happened.
The next thing was myself.
I started to realise that there were so many things that I haven't done yet.
I haven't started my Masters,
I haven't started to travel and go out to see the world,
I haven't achieved enough in my life,
and for once, relationships did not cross in my mind.

After the CT scan was over, I waited for the report and headed back to the specialist for the result.
I kept telling myself that whatever it is, it can be cured,
and I should keep myself positive.
The result was out and it was a normal bump,
not a cyst and not a tumour,
and I do not need any treatments or operations.
I was relieved and couldn't stop thanking God for this.

Therefore, to end this post,
with this one moment where my life could have ended in the brink of darkness,
I finally realised that what matters the most to me was never relationship,
it is my family and my own needs.
This is indeed the turning point,
the moment of realisation that I really needed to wake myself up.
Time to move on.

Jenny~

Sick

Sometimes, I wondered where I can find someone like me,
someone who would go all their ways in caring for another person,
someone who would constantly asking me if I am okay if I get sick,
someone who would always trying to find ways to make me feel better,
in terms of food, medicine or just there for me.

I remembered the younger of me who whenever got sick would always wish the same old thing,
to have someone to care for me and to be there for me whenever I needed him,
to have someone to comfort me at my worst,
and I kept telling myself that I would be able to find someone like that soon.
Well, guess what, I didn't.
Instead, I am the silly one who always care for people who got sick,
went all my ways just to comfort them or to make sure they are okay,
texting them constantly, first thing in the morning, wondering if they felt better or not.
Thinking that, doing all this would make them feel touched,
and that I would be treated the same as well.

But guess what again?
It doesn't always happen that way.
Sometimes being nice doesn't always get paid back.
Some people just remembered you when they needed you,
and when they are well, healthy, happy, found someone else, something else,
the good people like me are sidelined.
I told myself to not care,
to stop being so nice to people,
to stop worrying about other people,
because at the end of the day, they will just suck up all the goodness you did,
and left you with the bitterness.

And today, I got sick.
At the moment where I needed comfort, I could turn to no one.
At the moment where I felt the worst, I could tell to no one.
At the moment where I am at my downside, I could show it to no one.
At the end of the day, there's only me to keep myself strong.
Only me

Jenny~

Wedding bells.

The first thing that I do every morning or after work is to log in into my Facebook,

to check up my news feeds and eventually,

news of weddings and engagements started to flood my page.

I remembered how I felt when I saw my seniors, juniors, classmates, batchmates and ex-school mates are getting hitched, one by one.

I remembered how I felt so happy and envious,

and always dreaming to be one of them, one day.

I wasn't desperate, I thought.

But I was actually really desperate.

Desperate to find someone and get married like what I saw in my Facebook,

I wanted to experience how does it feel spending my whole lifetime with the man I love,

and that chooses me to spend the eternity with.

I also wanted to update my Facebook and Instagram with my pre-wedding photos, and make other people envy and shocked seeing it.

Childish, isn't it?

Whatever other people have, I want it.

And that also includes being in a relationship and getting married.

However, those feelings started to diminish,

and I started to feel bitter and helpless when I see more wedding news coming up,

especially when it was my own classmates as well as my best friends.

I started to feel isolated when one by one, my classmates have already found their other half,

when they got engaged,

and when they got married, and I was there to witness it.

I started to blame my fate,

I started to tell myself that it's over,

I would not be able to attain that happiness,

No one is gonna fall in love with me, and no one is going to choose me,

I started telling myself all these negative things,

and felt depressed when things are falling apart in terms of my own relationship.

But this is the turning point that I needed.

I started to go to the places where I used to go with people, on my own.

I started to go back to my old routine,

eating at a cafe or restaurant on my own and just enjoying the feeling.

Setting up goals to go / do things that I used to do with someone, on my own,

and remind myself that,

before him, there was me.

And it is true.

Before someone else could love, you gotta love yourself.

And though at times I forgot all about it,

I am lucky that reminders are everywhere and though unintentional,

it put a reminder there for me.

Though I am still not off the market yet,

it doesn't mean I am not valuable enough to be off.

It takes the right person to see the value in me,

and get me off the market when the timing comes.

To that person, I patiently await for your arrival.

May you arrive at the time when you're ready,

and I'm already at my best.

Jenny.

Rainy days

As she sat next her window,
she looked at the rain droplets,
racing with one another to be the faster one to reach the bottom.

She started to think about how much time has passed her since she entered her new carriage,
to her astonishment,
the smell of the carriage,
the window,
the books,
the cup of latte,
all looks similar to the old carriage that she was in last time.

She smiled at her own foolishness.
There are things that will always remain the same no matter how much you try to leave and start anew.
Why?
They say, memories stay.
They stay around us and will not be forgotten.
Each time she walked to her carriage,
it reminded her of someone.
Each time she sipped her cup of latte,
it reminded her of a conversation.
Each time she picked up a book,
it reminded her of that night.
Each time she leaned next to the window and stared outside,
it reminded her of who she has always been waiting of.

The train might be new,
the journey ahead might be something unpredictable,
but she herself knows,
that regardless of what train she is taking,
or what journey she is embarking,
she would never be able to feel new,
because no matter how she wants to leave those old suitcases and books,
she knows she would turned around and picked it.

She continued to stare at those grey clouds,
and closed her eyes,
"It will pass, someday."

Jenny~

Songs

I remembered reading a short post about how songs can remind us of our feelings.

They say, instead of taking pictures during our vacation or trips,

listen to one particular playlist or song will remind us of the memories created.

I doubted it at first,

but right now, I think it started to take its effect.

I remembered during my post-breakup moments,

I have been playing one song on repeat,

and now, when I listened back to the song,

it reminded me of how broken I was last time.

I remembered in the beginning of the year where I was really down,

where everything starting from my career to my friendship and relationship was off,

I was listening to the ost for a Korean drama repeatedly,

and everytime right now, 

listening back to those songs reminded me of how down I was at that moment,

where everyday, I would wrap myself in a blanket and drowned myself with tears.

And now, I started to avoid from listening to any songs during my bad times,

I dont want to etch a lasting memory of those sadness in a song,

instead I want to create happy memories with the songs that I listened.

Feelings as well as memories are also like songs,

sometimes when we think we have it all forgotten,

one little incident or event or even a song,

will bring back all those memories and feelings to the reality.

And it is really up to us to face it and move on,

or stay in it and drown ourselves.

Yes, it is indeed easier said than done,

but there are times when I am really down,

I would think to myself,

how long do I want to be in this condition?

Looking at how easily one can be gone,

it made me appreciate of my time and life.

And I shouldn't waste it by crying over things that I have no control in.

Stand back up, Jen.

You have ample of time ahead,

and you don't know when will it end.

Be strong, do what you can do now,

and be happy when you still can.

Jenny~

La Vie En Rose

Tonight,
she sat near to her window,
and watched as the clouds started to cover the sky,
and all the stars were engulfed by the dark clouds.

She sat there and pondered,
when she heard someone playing with her ukulele.
And the lady started to sing a song that was so familiar to her.
She started to hum the tune of it,
and wrapped in her blanket,
she started to imagine.

She imagined meeting the man of her dream,
and walking down the aisle with him,
hand in hand with her white gown,
and a bouquet of fresh roses.
She will look amazing,
and while smiling,
she will look up to him,
and will tell him,
that she has never expected this day to finally come.

And on the wedding night,
the same tune will be played,
and that will be their first wedding dance.
As she slowly return back to reality,
she smiled to herself.
Though at times she felt like giving up,
and not wanting to continue to dream anymore,
there is some pieces of her who still hold on to this dream strong.

As the music started to slow down,
she placed her head on the table,
and started to hum again.

"La Vie En Rose"
Jenny.

Wish to skip.

People tell,

People say,

enjoy the current moment,

enjoy the current life,

because we never know where will the next moment will take us.

People tell,

people say,

enjoy the current company,

laugh the most with the people around us now,

because we never know where will they be in the next moment.

People tell, 

People say, 

live life to the fullest,

do what you want right now,

because we never know if we will still be given the same chance in the next moment.

But sometimes,

just sometimes,

I wish I have a fast forward button,

and fast forward this life,

just to see what could be my ending.

Would I be happily engaged or married with a man,

who is also my best friend,

and building up my own family?

Or would I be pursuing a higher level in my career,

and receiving recognition from the people above,

for my accomplishment in whatever I am doing?

Or am I still going to be stuck in this mundane routine,

teaching and going back home,

sitting in front of the laptop like right now,

writing and writing endlessly?

I wish I can see what is written for me in the future,

but knowing that I can't,

I choose to continuosly be patient,

and make the right choices.

Maybe the choices that I make will determine the true path for my future.

Listen,

See,

Choose,

Pray. 

Jenny~