Her purpose

She has been wandering around the streets for months by now.
Ever since she left the train station,
she has been wandering about from streets to streets,
cafes to cafes,
and bookshops to another library.

She was trying to find herself,
her purpose,
and her mission in this life.
She has filled with curiosity as to what she is destined to do in this life,
what is her purpose in people's lives,
and why is she hurting badly in almost every encounter.

And finally, she realised that she has been serving her purpose all this while.
To be a source of comfort and laughter to other people.
She realised that all this while, she had been tending to lost souls,
broken-hearted ones,
unloved beings,
as well as those with emotional burdens.

She recalled back all her encounters,
and found that, she had been always there to comfort,
to create happiness,
and to bring them to their starting point.
She sacrificed her own happiness for others,
she gave all her love to others,
hoping that they will do the same to her,
and returned the same favour back to her.
She was hurting badly because it never happened.

She looked up to the sky,
and asked the sky,
if this is really her purpose in this life,
to sacrifice own happiness for others,
to provide a place of comfort to broken ones,
while she is still broken.
She hated the fact,
but slowly, she embraced it,
and made it a part of her.

"I will continue this mission,
to provide comfort and happiness to others,
but this time,
with no more expectations,
and no more heartbreaks."

Jenny~

Her wedding

As I was on my way to Kuching to catch the earliest flight to Sibu,
all I was thinking was about how things were going on her side.
Last Saturday was my best friend's wedding,
and in order to be there as a witness to this magical moment,
I sacrificed my classes on the weekend,
and took a ride to Kuching and stayed overnight alone before leaving at the earliest flight.

I was really grateful with the people that have helped me along the journey,
my new friends as well as my cousins who had reduced my loneliness into bits during one night at Kuching.
I remembered waking super early to get ready for my flight,
and during my journey from Kuching to Sibu,
I was anxious as I was worried I wouldn't witness her first part of the ceremony at her home.
Luckily, I was able to reach on time,
and spent the hours with her while trying to make her feel calm and happy by cracking silly jokes.

And the time came for her father and family members to send her off to her husband.
I remembered seeing her crying badly,
and I was moved to tears as well.
I was trying to hold back but shedding tears was a must,
I, too, was sad to send her off to her new life,
but as the closest person to her, I was happy that she has finally settled down with the man that was right for her.

After the first part, I went to her reception,
took pictures with her and kept reminding her to smile,
and that, she should be happy on this day.
As I was in a rush, I had to leave early before I bid her farewell.
When I reached the airport and was leaving to Miri,
I had mixed feelings.
I was happy to see her settling down with her love,
while I am still in pursuit for the right man to settle down.
I was happy to see her gain another plus one,
while I am somehow losing my grip and back to being the only one.
I was happy to see her beginning a new life with her plus one,
while I am still somehow re-setting my life.

No matter what happens, to my best friend,
I wish you all the happiness and love in your newly-found life,
I am not sure if you would ever read this,
but remember that, no matter what happens in your marriage,
you can always depend on me.
May your marriage be blessed with lots of love and happiness,
and that, I am able to the best Auntie to your children,
and may I, too, will be the next one to walk down the aisle
with the love of my life.

Jenny~

Aftermath

Holidays have started a month ago and finally came to its end.

Time passed really slow during the holidays,

and each day,

I was anticipating for my return to work,

dealing with hectic timetables and kids.

During this month-long holidays,

I have went through a series of emotional bouts,

where I caught myself falling and tumbling down at all times.

I felt insecure,

I felt devastated,

I felt terribly sad and not telling to anyone,

makes things worse.

Until it was time for me to go off for holiday classes,

where I found back my happy pills.

It was also during those times that reading has helped me to pull through a lot.

One of the online books that I have been reading was "Into the Magic Shop",

it was from BTS, a Korean group which I have been following for a couple of weeks,

that has also been pulling me through the difficult times.

After reading few chapters in that particular book,

I started to open my heart,

and slowly let go.

I have clung onto something that I knew I wouldn't possess,

I have went back to the old square without noticing how far I have strayed away from the original path that I have told myself to take,

I have hold onto a hope that I knew from earlier on that this would eventually harm me at the end of the day,

I have always been going back to the same old bench,

without realising how stuck I was in the cycle.

And eventually, I started to care less.

I started to tell myself that it is fine to respond when needed.

It is fine to be a person's comfort zone,

maybe this is what I was supposed to be in this life.

I started to remind myself to stop living in the bubble of hopes,

and live the real life out there.

And I told myself to slowly stop chasing after the butterfly that has flew further and further away.

It's time to stop chasing after butterflies,

and enjoy the view.

It hurts to see the butterfly you once loved so much flew away and out of sight,

but if it's meant to be, it will come back.

If it's not, there would be another one,

and another one.

You just have to sit, take a deep breath, and always look up.

Jenny~

Like a butterfly

Like a butterfly,
you started to show your most beautiful wings,
you started to dance around the rays of sunlight,
proud of being a gorgeous sight.

I looked at you,
I stared in awe at your beauty.
I thought I could keep you,
but like a butterfly,
you started to fly.

Fly further and further away,
further away from me,
who could only stay at ground,
watching your wings fluttering,
as you carried yourself away from me.

I looked at you,
I stared at you,
at how you were so happy,
seeing the ones alike with you,
and without a second thought,
you started to fly.

Fly further and further away,
further away from me,
who could only stay at ground,
watching you fly away with them,
as you carried yourself away from me.

And now I am here,
left all alone,
without your presence.
Like a butterfly,
you flew away from me.
And like a human with the most fragile heart,
I broke into pieces,
while contemplating,
to wait for your return,
or to seek for other beauty in life.

Jenny~

Airport

We had a short holidays for this week as the state declared two days off as public holidays,
which were deemed unnecessary,
but it was because of this, I was able to have a nice bonding time with my best friend.
When I went and picked her up at the airport,
I was super excited as I was able to spend three days with her,
without the presence of her husband.

Those three days were filled with lots of laughter,
reminiscing the olden days,
as well as going for unplanned drive and getting massages.
I had a lot of fun just by hanging out with her,
talking to her and just spending time with her.
It has been quite a while not doing stuffs like this,
ever since IPG time.

And today, I was also in charge of sending her off to the airport.
Seeing her back as she turned away and heading to the boarding hall before bidding farewell actually breaks my heart bit by bit.
And I realised that the airport is the place where we can find both happiness and sadness at the same time.
Happiness as we embark on a new journey,
to a new destination,
with people we love and love us.
Sadness as we watched the backs of our loved ones,
turning away from us and heading to a new destination,
while we carry on our lives without the presence of our loved ones.

It was indeed a heartbreaking moment when I started to tear up in the airport,
and I kept on telling myself not to break down in the airport.
I walked to my car,
closed the door,
put on my seatbelt,
and cried the whole journey back to my own place.

Changes haven't been something easy to me.
And watching someone's back turned away from me,
leaving me at my old place,
while I'm all alone standing there,
is heartbreaking.
I always thought I would be able to endure this kind of situation,
but I realised that I am not as strong and resilient as I thought I would be.

Be strong, little heart.
More to come soon.

Jenny~

Swept with emotions

She stood under a bus stop.
Waiting for the next bus to carry her to the next destination.
Past few days, she has been experiencing too much emotions,
too much sadness that was self-inflicted,
too much of thinking over things that she can't control.

She looked at herself in the mirror,
scolding herself for forgetting why came down from the train,
forgetting the reason why she has came into this small town,
forgetting that without him, she should continue on her journey.

The thoughts of him made her happy,
as well as caused pain to her,
and eventually, she decided.
Decided to pack up,
and move to the next town.
But deep inside,
she knew that no matter where she goes,
she will always be bringing her emotional luggage,
as she couldn't let it go.

She thought she had let it go,
but she didn't.
She thought she is strong enough,
but she isn't.
She thought she could continue this journey by herself,
before realising that,
she was barely making it.

Be strong.
Let go when it's too painful to hold on.
Cry out loud and embrace the pain.
Let the pain reminds you of the lessons learnt,
and move on.

Jenny~

Where?

Where is the old you?

Where is the old you that puts marriage at the very first element in life?

Where is the you that always wants to be in love,

and always find yourself dreaming of wearing that white gown,

walking down the aisle to the man you have been wishing for,

and say the magical words, "I do"?

Where is the you that have always dreamed of having kids,

and having a blissful family?

and where is the you who have always been so open and happy,

when it comes to talking about wedding?

You have turned into someone that you have never imagined to be in your young life.

You have turned into someone who doesn't accept the idea of wedding as your happy ending,

You have turned into someone cold,

who thinks wedding is a waste of money.

You have turned into someone who can't stop working,

because work is the only way for you to escape from thinking.

You have turned into someone who only thinks of finding someone to go travel with,

and no longer trying to find someone to settle down.

You have turned into someone who doesn't dream of getting married anymore,

because deep inside, 

you know you have given hope in this superficial love.

You have already given up on that dream,

regardless of how people tell you to never give up.

You have already given up on the dream of meeting someone who you could love and love you back,

regardless of how people ask you to continue to search.

and you have given up on the idea of falling in love,

because right now, your heart is so broken,

that when you think you are mending it,

you aren't.

All you did is just to piece it up together,

and eventually breaking it again.

That's why you were so upset,

you were angry,

you were sad,

and you were crying,

when people talk about how they wouldn't meet their another half if they were in the same part of the journey with you.

Because you know you do not have that dream or wish anymore.

Jenny~