Holidays have started and ended in a glimpse.
And this time, I spent my week long holiday back in UKM as I am still on my journey to get my Masters.
I didn't regret the choice as I was able to meet back my friends,
and experiencing hostel life again.
It does bring back a lot of memories,
especially when it is spent with close friends.
Before I went back to Miri,
I spent some time with one of my closest friends,
talking about what has been going on in my life and relationship,
and without noticing,
I was already telling her stories about that one man whom I encountered 10 years ago during my studies back in Keningau.
And all the memories came back to me like it had just happened the day before.
I could still remember his eyes,
his smiles,
his awkward gestures,
and most importantly, his sincerity.
I always wondered why I couldn't move past him though it has been 10 years already.
My friends especially my ex-roommate was also asking me the same thing as to why he always appear in our conversations whenever we talked about relationships.
And last night, it just hit me.
He is, was and always will be a part of my memory because of his sincerity,
because of how sincere he waited for me and always tried to be close to me though we were separated from one another,
about how he wasn't shy or embarrassed to leave his counter during work just to say hi to me.
and about how, miraculously, he appeared during the saddest moment of my life,
and turned it around.
He was the only guy that my heart and mind still remember every little detail,
He was the only guy that I could still remember his voice clearly,
and he was the only guy that grab hold of my heart until today.
I wish to see him again,
not to build any relationship,
but to thank him for the wonderful memories that he indirectly left for me,
as well as for being the benchmark of what kind of guy I am looking for in my life.
Seek a man who stares at you like he did,
at the most sincere manner,
Seek a man who is brave enough to come close to you,
without having any fear of being judged,
And seek a man who would always look after you without you noticing,
someone who could make you remember him for another 10 years.
Jenny~
As she sat on her train watching the day passes her by,
she stared at the papers on her tables,
at the books that were scattered in front of her,
she looked at her place absent-mindedly
and wondered, how is her place became so messed up.
She wondered if all these stuffs would mean anything to her at the end of the day,
she was fighting with her inner self who kept trying to bring her back to truth,
to the truth that she had been trying her best to steer clear and far away with,
the truth that she still missed his presence even for one moment.
As she was sitting at her place, trying to figure out the meanings behind her papers,
she overheard someone talking about him,
she listened,
and unknowingly, she let out a sigh.
Her heart breaks a little when she heard about him,
about how he is right now,
about how happy he is as though as she had never existed in his memories.
She looked up,
and stood up.
She cleared her table,
and walked away.
Away from the truth,
away from the news about him,
away from the knowledge about him,
just away.
She hated herself for feeling anything for him.
She hated herself for even missing such a person.
Jenny~
I always imagined myself meeting you,
in different kind of situations,
in different kind of moods.
I always imagined myself being angry,
being cold,
being warm and happy,
expecting something in return when we meet.
But who would ever knew I would meet you,
in real life,
the other day?
It was devastating as someone you knew so well,
someone you have created so much memories with,
is now a stranger in front of you.
If you asked me how did I react with it,
I could tell you that my heart skipped a beat when I saw you from far.
I smiled even though I did not look into your eyes.
I thought that though we might no have contacted one another,
you would still remember me as a friend.
But you walked on, not noticing me,
and my smile disappeared.
I looked at my phone,
and thought of only one thing.
Why should I let the past to bother my present?
I am happy with the current situation,
I am happy with the peace that I have found from distancing myself from toxic relationships,
I am happy that I am loving myself, instead of hoping for attention from someone else to make me complete.
And with that thoughts,
I stood up at the end of the meeting and left,
without turning my back.
I drove away,
and telling myself that there is no point of waiting or even be sad about someone who have long ago replaced me with someone or something else.
I drove away,
heading to my comfort zone: work.
When your presence has left me with no feelings of pain or happiness,
When your presence has left me undisturbed,
and when your presence has left me with not even an inch of hope that you will be back into my life,
be known that you have now belonged to my past,
and now a stranger with memories.
Jenny~
in different kind of situations,
in different kind of moods.
I always imagined myself being angry,
being cold,
being warm and happy,
expecting something in return when we meet.
But who would ever knew I would meet you,
in real life,
the other day?
It was devastating as someone you knew so well,
someone you have created so much memories with,
is now a stranger in front of you.
If you asked me how did I react with it,
I could tell you that my heart skipped a beat when I saw you from far.
I smiled even though I did not look into your eyes.
I thought that though we might no have contacted one another,
you would still remember me as a friend.
But you walked on, not noticing me,
and my smile disappeared.
I looked at my phone,
and thought of only one thing.
Why should I let the past to bother my present?
I am happy with the current situation,
I am happy with the peace that I have found from distancing myself from toxic relationships,
I am happy that I am loving myself, instead of hoping for attention from someone else to make me complete.
And with that thoughts,
I stood up at the end of the meeting and left,
without turning my back.
I drove away,
and telling myself that there is no point of waiting or even be sad about someone who have long ago replaced me with someone or something else.
I drove away,
heading to my comfort zone: work.
When your presence has left me with no feelings of pain or happiness,
When your presence has left me undisturbed,
and when your presence has left me with not even an inch of hope that you will be back into my life,
be known that you have now belonged to my past,
and now a stranger with memories.
Jenny~
Today is the last day of January,
and heading into February.
A month has passed,
and yet, workloads seem to never cease.
It reaches to a point where I feel like shutting my phone,
locking myself in a room,
where there would not be any notification sounds,
no reminders,
and no alarms.
Working is exhausting.
I am exhausted physically and mentally.
No matter how I tried to look strong and happy,
inside me,
I know I am struggling.
Struggling to keep my head up,
to keep myself fighting through sadness,
loneliness,
desperation,
and disappointment.
I wish things would get better.
I wish that everything is going to be alright
eventually.
Jenny~
Every once in a while,
I caught myself talking about you.
Every once a while,
I caught myself smiling when thinking of all the things we did together.
How are you?
Have life been better without me in it?
Have you found that someone who cheer you up all the time,
accompanies you to watch your favourite movies,
sing with you in the car,
making silly jokes with her awkward antics,
share food and stories with you,
and gives you the ultimate reason to be happy?
How is your health?
Have you been taking your medication?
Have you been going for further check-ups?
Have everything been going better this year for you?
I wished I have the courage to ask all these to you,
I wished I have the strength to listen to the replies of all these,
but I do not have both courage and strength to do so.
I am afraid to fall back,
I am afraid to break apart again,
and I am afraid of losing myself to you again.
Good memories never left.
Memories of you were never extinguished.
No matter how much I tried,
pieces of you are still stuck in my heart.
Jenny~
I caught myself talking about you.
Every once a while,
I caught myself smiling when thinking of all the things we did together.
How are you?
Have life been better without me in it?
Have you found that someone who cheer you up all the time,
accompanies you to watch your favourite movies,
sing with you in the car,
making silly jokes with her awkward antics,
share food and stories with you,
and gives you the ultimate reason to be happy?
How is your health?
Have you been taking your medication?
Have you been going for further check-ups?
Have everything been going better this year for you?
I wished I have the courage to ask all these to you,
I wished I have the strength to listen to the replies of all these,
but I do not have both courage and strength to do so.
I am afraid to fall back,
I am afraid to break apart again,
and I am afraid of losing myself to you again.
Good memories never left.
Memories of you were never extinguished.
No matter how much I tried,
pieces of you are still stuck in my heart.
Jenny~
Candles were lit,
songs were sung,
she looked behind her,
and saw a group of people celebrating a kind of event,
a birthday.
She looked out her window,
and a thought passed by her.
It was his birthday.
A lost friend's birthday.
As she reached for her pen to write a message,
she stopped halfway.
He wouldn't remember her after all.
She is already a stranger,
a distant stranger after all.
She stared outside,
and slowly, those memories crept into her mind.
She brushed it off,
stood up,
and left her table to somewhere new.
And on her table,
she penned down,
"Happy birthday, stranger."
She walked off,
and headed to the train station.
She is determined to leave this place,
to a new place where she could build a new life,
a new hope and find new memories.
Goodbye, stranger.
Jenny.
songs were sung,
she looked behind her,
and saw a group of people celebrating a kind of event,
a birthday.
She looked out her window,
and a thought passed by her.
It was his birthday.
A lost friend's birthday.
As she reached for her pen to write a message,
she stopped halfway.
He wouldn't remember her after all.
She is already a stranger,
a distant stranger after all.
She stared outside,
and slowly, those memories crept into her mind.
She brushed it off,
stood up,
and left her table to somewhere new.
And on her table,
she penned down,
"Happy birthday, stranger."
She walked off,
and headed to the train station.
She is determined to leave this place,
to a new place where she could build a new life,
a new hope and find new memories.
Goodbye, stranger.
Jenny.
By the window,
she sat and stared out.
The burst of colours from the fireworks,
the crowd,
the joy and celebrations out there,
and yet,
she sat by the window,
on her own,
watching everything happening in front of her eyes.
Alone,
she picked up her notebook,
stood up and walked out of the cafe.
She kept walking and walking,
away from those crowd.
She knew that is not the place she wants to be,
that is not the crowd she wants to be surrounded with,
that is not the cure for her aching heart.
As she reached a corner,
she saw a little cafe with fairy lights on,
she walked inside,
and found herself a place,
a warm place that is away from the crowds,
a place where she could be on her own,
a place where she could start collecting pieces of herself,
mending it and putting it to where it belongs,
her heart.
Jenny~
she sat and stared out.
The burst of colours from the fireworks,
the crowd,
the joy and celebrations out there,
and yet,
she sat by the window,
on her own,
watching everything happening in front of her eyes.
Alone,
she picked up her notebook,
stood up and walked out of the cafe.
She kept walking and walking,
away from those crowd.
She knew that is not the place she wants to be,
that is not the crowd she wants to be surrounded with,
that is not the cure for her aching heart.
As she reached a corner,
she saw a little cafe with fairy lights on,
she walked inside,
and found herself a place,
a warm place that is away from the crowds,
a place where she could be on her own,
a place where she could start collecting pieces of herself,
mending it and putting it to where it belongs,
her heart.
Jenny~
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