Living the days

These past few weeks have been quite a difficult week for me,
From losing my colleague and my classmate in Masters,
as well as getting overwhelmed with the fact that the swelling in my mouth is getting bigger,
my anxiety and panic disorder became even worse.

For those who don't know,
Yes.
I have anxiety and panic disorder,
where I experienced symptoms of fast heartbeat, rapid breathing and always feeling suffocated especially when overthinking conquers me.
I started to experience all this when I was in Form 3,
and I realised that it gets worse when I was back in training years.
As I have started working,
I was lucky to meet a colleague who is also my school counselor,
and to be honest, she has helped me a lot to reduce my anxiety and panic disorder.
From our conversations, I was able to identify that my irrational thinking and perspectives have always been the main trigger to my anxiety,
the constant feeling of wanting to be in a perfect bubble,
where things should happen in a perfect accordance has been the main cause of my anxiety.

And when things didn't go like it was supposed to go in my perspectives,
things went awry.
When my colleague passed away, I was overcome with anxiety,
When my classmate in my masters passed away, I was getting panic at times,
and when I thought I have finally moved on from it, my health was the next trigger that caused me to constantly feel nervous and difficult to breathe no matter where I was.
I decided to go to another dental clinic with the purpose to check on my teeth,
when he decided to refer me to a specialist in the general hospital just in case it is something that should't be there.
That was the moment where I could feel the fear and anxiety sets in,
and it lasted for a couple of days, and everytime when I was in the hospital,
I couldn't breathe right and all I could think of was what I have done all this while with my life.

I guess God is always using these kinds of situations to bring me back to my true path,
at the time when I started to stray off, He would bring me back through different kinds of events that have been happening in life,
It is always the things that I fear the most, that would occur on me,
with the intention to make me brave and ready to face it in life.
And I am glad that God has allowed me to meet people that has helped to ease this burden and anxiety that set in.
And I believe that angels always take form in human beings,
and they have always been around us without us knowing,
and that is something that I have believed in since my training years in Sabah.

After several reviews and still awiting for the result at the moment I am writing this,
I could only hope that it is nothing serious,
and that, I am given another chance to continue to live on the days with a purpose and meaning.

Jenny.