Self love

I have been talking and mentioning self love for quite a few times in my post,
talking bout how important it is to love ourselves and putting us first before others
talking about how we should treat and pamper ourselves which includes self rewards.
But at times, I forgot to love myself,
and thus, depending on others out there to provide me with love, attention and warmth,
and when it was unattainable,
I started to break into pieces and resorted to sadness as well as darkness.

I have been struggling with self love for quite some time,
whereby I at times couldn't accept how I look,
how my body image influence my self confidence,
how I always try to change myself for the sake of being liked by people out there,
trying to become someone who isn't me just to fulfill what other people wish to perceive me as,
when inside me, I am just a normal, fragile and sensitive girl.

When BTS ( a Korean group) has released a new song entitled, "Epiphany",
it seems like I have also found my epiphany in finally accepting myself,
my imperfections and my flaws.
Telling myself that though I am not perfect, but I am still beautiful in my own ways,
and that the person that I should love, is me after all.
Realising this, I started to open my heart more,
spending less time thinking about how I should be, but focus on using what I have to be the best version of myself,
spending less time thinking about how other people perceive me as, but focusing on how to the best me in front of them,
and spending less time thinking about how to make someone like me, but focusing on loving myself so much that all the love would overflow to others.

And with those thoughts, I look forward to life,
I look forward to the current friendships that I have built, hoping to build more friendships in the future,
I look forward to the unexpected things and changes, with the hope of able to overcome the fear and embracing it as a part of self growth.
and I look forward to love myself in a greater way, and sharing this overflowing of love with others with the hope that they too would be able to love themselves and people around them.

This journey is going to be a long,
and I couldn't promise to be able to love myself fully,
but I will always try,
because I have no one else but me.

Jenny~

Living the days

These past few weeks have been quite a difficult week for me,
From losing my colleague and my classmate in Masters,
as well as getting overwhelmed with the fact that the swelling in my mouth is getting bigger,
my anxiety and panic disorder became even worse.

For those who don't know,
Yes.
I have anxiety and panic disorder,
where I experienced symptoms of fast heartbeat, rapid breathing and always feeling suffocated especially when overthinking conquers me.
I started to experience all this when I was in Form 3,
and I realised that it gets worse when I was back in training years.
As I have started working,
I was lucky to meet a colleague who is also my school counselor,
and to be honest, she has helped me a lot to reduce my anxiety and panic disorder.
From our conversations, I was able to identify that my irrational thinking and perspectives have always been the main trigger to my anxiety,
the constant feeling of wanting to be in a perfect bubble,
where things should happen in a perfect accordance has been the main cause of my anxiety.

And when things didn't go like it was supposed to go in my perspectives,
things went awry.
When my colleague passed away, I was overcome with anxiety,
When my classmate in my masters passed away, I was getting panic at times,
and when I thought I have finally moved on from it, my health was the next trigger that caused me to constantly feel nervous and difficult to breathe no matter where I was.
I decided to go to another dental clinic with the purpose to check on my teeth,
when he decided to refer me to a specialist in the general hospital just in case it is something that should't be there.
That was the moment where I could feel the fear and anxiety sets in,
and it lasted for a couple of days, and everytime when I was in the hospital,
I couldn't breathe right and all I could think of was what I have done all this while with my life.

I guess God is always using these kinds of situations to bring me back to my true path,
at the time when I started to stray off, He would bring me back through different kinds of events that have been happening in life,
It is always the things that I fear the most, that would occur on me,
with the intention to make me brave and ready to face it in life.
And I am glad that God has allowed me to meet people that has helped to ease this burden and anxiety that set in.
And I believe that angels always take form in human beings,
and they have always been around us without us knowing,
and that is something that I have believed in since my training years in Sabah.

After several reviews and still awiting for the result at the moment I am writing this,
I could only hope that it is nothing serious,
and that, I am given another chance to continue to live on the days with a purpose and meaning.

Jenny.

Closure

Today is the day where I have shed the most tears for this year.
Arrived at school and not able to see the usual car parked beside me for almost a year,
Entering the staffroom and not able to see the familiar back,
Went to the assembly hall and couldn't see the familiar tall guy whose always looked smart in his suit and smiles,
Not listening to his voice as well as his Sabahan accent the whole morning,
I couldn't adjust myself with it and caught myself crying at all times.
During the assembly when the news were told to the school,
I couldn't help it but hid in one corner with my tears flowing endlessly.
It was the day that I have shed the most tears in school,
and even talking bout it would make me start to cry again.

In the afternoon, my colleagues and I decided to pay our last respect to him at his home,
and the whole way to his place,
I was filled with worries and anxiety of how I am able to manage myself emotionally.
And when we reached there,
I went up and looked at him for the last time.
He was at peace.
He was resting well with a smile.
And I believe that he is now in a better place.

Closure is what I seek after I went to pay my last respect.
Therefore, this post will be one of the posts that would always keep him in my memory for a great length of time.
I hope that by reading this post 5 years later or 10 years later,
I would still be able to smile and recall all the conversations, memories and moments we have spent together.
Rest well, my dear friend.
You have worked hard and well, and it is time for you to rest well.
Thank you appearing in my life,
and being there at one point of time.
Thank you for listening to me when I needed,
and always giving me words of wisdom and encouragement.
Thank you for always giving me the familiar Sabahan homely feelings,
and always there to tell me about my second hometown.
And thank you for being the perfect guy that I wish I would be able to meet someday,
and for always being so cheerful till the end.
Thank you for everything, Cg. James.

Jenny~

Left too soon

This morning, I was awaken by a phone call from my PK1.
She asked me about my extra class that was held today before breaking the news to me,
I was trembling and shaking when I heard that one of my closest male colleagues has left us.
I kept asking whether it was true and told my PK1 to re-confirm the news before posting it in our group.
I couldn't think straight and I sat there, hoping that this news was just a dream.
But when she posted and confirmed the news,
my heart broke into pieces and couldn't stop myself from crying.

He was a great teacher,
someone who puts all his effort trying to complete his work on time,
he was an active person, always smiling and said hi to me whenever we passed one another.
He was a great father,
someone who takes care of his son well and always be there for his son.
He was a great friend,
someone who shared his worries and stress with me,
someone who understood the word anxiety and depression as both of us went through and is still trying to cope it,
someone who never complains and always makes jokes to keep us entertained no matter where we are,
someone who always advise me about relationship,
and someone who listens to me whenever I needed someone to talk to.

Just the thought of him,
and looking at his place,
and looking at his pictures and videos made me teared up again and again,
I regretted deleting his last chats with me where he sent me his voice notes instead of text messages.
I will miss seeing his smiles and politeness,
talking to him in our Sabahan accents,
teasing him and his constant "Hi" everytime we meet,
and his deep faith in God.

Rest well, my friend.
You did not leave us empty-handed, but you have left us with the most precious moments to be remembered.
Thank you for everything, Cg. James.

Jenny~

Starting anew

Recently, I decided to reward myself with a new phone.
I guess I think it is time to reward myself for all the works that I have been doing in school, as well as to celebrate the end of my first semester in my Masters.
After getting myself a new phone, the usual stuffs was required whereby I was busy transferring all my pictures and documents from the old phone to my laptop.
And I also did backup in Whatsapp chat as I didn't want to erase everything in it,
especially the conversations I had with him.
Thinking that everything is done,
I changed phone and tried to restore all my chats in my Whatsapp which it didn't happen.
Everything was gone,
all the conversations with him.
Everything.
Every single things that he has said to me,
promised me,
and wanted to do with me,
all are now gone.

I guess this was a sign.
A sign that it's time to start anew.
To get myself a fresh start.
It is weird not being able to re-read all our conversations together.
It feels really awkward not being able to go through each and every starred message,
just to reminisce that one particular moment.
I thought I would be in tears when I couldn't retrieve all of it,
but I didn't.
I guess, I needed this to happen though I didn't want it to.
I guess, this is it.

Jenny~

Getting used to it

Slowly, slowly,
she opened her eyes,
looking at the old ceiling,
the lights and the fan that has been spinning like forever.

Slowly, slowly,
she sat up and looked around the little room,
pushing off her blanket,
and stood up.

Slowly, slowly,
she walked to the window,
and looked outside,
and sighed.

How long has she been here?
How long has she been stuck in this room?
How long has she not seen the sun,
and walked down the streets?

She packed her belongings,
put up her sundress, shades and hat,
and walked down the stairs,
heading to the door.

And as she opened her door,
she looked up to the sky,
looking at how all the dark clouds have cleared up,
she realised that the dark has finally passed,
and it's time to let the rays of light to enter her life again.

She took a deep breath,
and took a step out.
Smiling, she thought to herself,
she has gotten used to this.

Jenny~

Drained

It has been almost 2 weeks after holidays,

and to be honest, I didn't get to even rest after a month long holiday.

I have been pushing myself physically in juggling between my career and studies,

and trying to deal with my emotional needs at the same time.

And when I thought I could hold everything in,

I couldn't.

I reached to a breaking point where I lied on my bed,

contemplating about all the works that haven't been done,

all the events that are waiting for me to handle,

my exam that is on the day where a big event that I am handling is happening,

and my emotional needs,

of being listened, 

being cared,

and being told that I can do it.

It became unbearable when it seems like there's no one who understood the hardships that I am going through.

I may look fine outside,

but inside, I am struggling.

I am struggling to beat the deadlines,

I am struggling to make sure things are done in a perfect manner,

and I am struggling emotionally though I told myself that I am fine.

I am not fine.

I am physically drained,

emotionally unstable,

and trying to look strong on the outside is just under a pretense,

to hide my fragile self that has been broken into pieces again and again.

I guess it's just the time of the day where all emotions rushed in,

where I feel least needed,

where I am left alone, dealing with things,

where no one seems to be there at the corner to listen to my pleas,

where only music and songs seem to be the only companion.

*sigh*

Jenny.