To the stranger named David,

To the stranger named David,
I don't know if you really exist in this world,
but I want to thank you for entering my dream the other night.
I don't recall how you look by now,
but I remember your sparkling eyes,
your smile,
and your voice when you reached out to me.

I remembered how you told me that we have met for the second time,
and you introduced yourself as,
David.
Thank you for protecting me in my dream,
for holding my hands and ensuring that I was safe and warm in the dream.

Some of you might wonder why is this dream so significant to me.
And my answer is,
of all the dream I ever dreamt,
I never get to see the man's face,
or hear his voice,
and this is for the first time,
I could feel that it was real though it was only a dream.
I could feel that it was happening in real life though it was only a dream.
And I could feel the warmth and the feeling of finally being safe and secure being around someone,
though it was just a dream.

Therefore,
to the stranger named David,
I don't know who are you or where are you,
But if you really exist in this world,
I hope you will reach out to me like how you reached out to me in the dream,
I hope you will tell me that we have met for the second time,
and introduced yourself to me for the third time,
and I hope that you will be able to give me the same sense of warmth and security.

Jenny.

Don't rush

It has been quite a while not updating in this blog.
Assignments as well as workloads have been piling up previously,
and kept me away from updating the blog.
And thank God, everything has been settled,
and now, I am awaiting for my result before I proceed to my final semester in this journey of getting a Masters.

Life has been a normal routine for me.
Wake up in the morning, head to work, fulfilling my duties as an educator, head back home for lunch, TV and nap, then TV and games before repeating the same cycle again.
And for me, life is peaceful this way.
Relationship has been cast aside,
and without I knowing it, it has been placed at the furthest point in my life currently.
And I am back to being a fangirl of Kpop group,
in which I kept myself updated for every single detail of the group,
as well as wishing that I could attend their concert in the near future.

I guess this little fangirling moment has indeed helped me to cast aside any overthinking on relationship for the meantime.
And I also realised that instead of saying that there won't be anyone for me out there,
I always tell myself as well as others that I might just find a guy next year or get married next year.
No, I haven't found anyone yet but I guess by saying positive things like that will help me to feel confident that things will eventually fall in place when time comes.
I have listened to a lot of stories especially after-marriage stories where life was not the happily-ever-after that we often imagined it could be.
Challenges after challenges,
changes in routines,
lack of freedom to make own choices in career and life,
wrong choice of partners,
and the realisation of having to bear living with the man of the wrong choice due to being in a rush,
these are the things that somehow freak me out when people tried to talk me into getting married or meeting someone in blind dates.

I remembered how desperate I was to cling onto a man because I was in a rush,
and ended up getting hurt so badly that I lost hope.
I remembered how desperate I was that I didn't listen to my brain when I met a pervert,
and ended up getting traumatised with how things progressed and eventually ended by me.
And because of that,
I learnt my lesson.
Someone is out there for me,
and feeling in a rush is never going to help me get to the person.
Therefore, I kept myself happy by loving myself more,
by doing things that I love,
by being myself and truly myself instead of moulding another persona just to appease someone else,
and eventually, being confident that one day, I, too, will walk down the aisle with the man that I know is right for me.

The one who would support me in my choice of career,
The one who would be there through my ups and downs,
and the one who would make me feel safe and not wary about how he felt,
and till the day comes,
I am going to pour all this love to me, myself and I.

Jenny~

Late at night

This is my second night of staying up late at night,
trying to complete the pending tasks and assignments,
trying to beat deadlines for this semester,
alone in this battle,
and longing for someone to at least called to ask if I am okay.

No matter how much I told myself that I don't really want to care about relationships,
deep inside,
it still matters a lot to me.
I, like all the other ladies out there,
wished to be embraced,
loved,
and cared for.

Wished that someone would call and asked if I am already sleeping,
or text to ask if I need anything
or tell me that I can do this and he will always be there to support me.
Wished that someone would send me food and drinks to boost my energy level while battling,
that someone would just ring my phone and tell me that he is here,
even without bringing anything,
just able to see him or listen to him would made my day or night even better.

I too longed for all these,
and though I tell myself that he is out there,
and I just have to wait patiently,
a part of me started to lose hope,
and started to embrace loneliness as a part of my life.

I too longed to have someone to love,
and though I tell myself that things will happen at its own timing,
and I just have to wait for the right timing,
a part of me started to lose trust in that matter,
and started to lose track of whatever timing there is,
and just living a day after a day without anticipating what's next in relationship.

Since when I became someone like this?

Jenny~

Familiar

Unexpectedly, 

I still recognize that familiar back,

that familiar sweater,

that familiar hairstyle,

and that familiar posture of yours.

I remember you.

And I still remember you.

I remember that back,

that back that I always stood behind whenever we were together.

That familiar sweater,

that sweater that you made sure I wore when we were out in the cinema or when you saw me shivered.

That familiar hairstyle that at one glance, I knew it's you no matter where you stood.

That familiar posture,

that posture that always reminded me of how we always sat together, talking about our future and the uncertainties,

the stories of your family and all the things you went through,

and the time when you just sat quietly next to me.

But somehow, it felt strange.

Strange to feel familiarity when you and I are not longer connected to one another.

Life is strange,

it could bring two strangers together and create the best moments in life,

and in a glimpse,

it could also break two person and become strangers,

losing the memories that have been created.

I guess I have to get used to this.

Get used to this familiar and yet, strange feelings.

Get used to someone that I used to know.

And getting used of feeling cold again.

Jenny~

Fragile times

Last night, I was having the worst meltdown ever.
I didn't know what to do,
I didn't what I was reading,
and I didn't what I was really doing.

I was sitting in front of my laptop,
trying to read and start completing my tasks,
when my brain just jammed and I was stuck there.
And that's when I felt like giving up,
I felt like why am I forcing myself to do all this,
I don't have anyone to prove myself,
I don't even have anyone that I could turn to and tell them all my woes,

I used to have one,
I used to have someone who would tried his best to cheer me up,
and gave me all the support I needed,
I used to have someone who tried to make me smile despite how gloomy my day was,
and surprised me with sudden outings, movies or even dessert time.
And now, he's gone.
At that moment, I suddenly felt fragile.
Everything and everyone is changing,
and for that one moment, I hated changes.

I wanted the old times back.
As foolish as it is, I wanted to go back to that time when I used to have someone at my side.
And I cried.
I cried hard.
And that's when I realised that all I need to do to feel better,
is to just to open up and let it all out.
I have been holding it down for quite some time,
and it is nice to show that broken side once in a while.

Today, I felt better after sleeping in.
I felt much better after letting all out.
I felt much better after those fragile moments and got my mind cleared.
Be fragile once in a while,
you can't act strong all the time.

Jenny~

A talk

Today, I went out for lunch with a close colleague of mine.
We talked about school stuffs and I mentioned about my neighbour who has a son,
and we laughed and teased around a bit about this new "good view",
when suddenly she asked about you.

She asked whether both of us contacted one another or not,
whether you find me during my birthday,
or whether we ever met up once in a while,
in which I answered, "No."

We talked about the reasons why you left,
why you decided to turn your back against me and failed to recognise me anymore,
and she asked,
why did I ever fall in love with you.
And that took me back to the time when you were the nicest,
sweetest,
kindest man that I ever met in my whole life.
The man who created sparks and joy,
The man who I would always go to whenever I need to talk or celebrate something,
and the man who I thought is finally the right one,
but things happened to be different at the end of the tunnel.

She asked me if one day you find me back,
apologise and tell me all the reasons on why you did this on the first place,
would I ever accept you back?
And this is my answer,
I will still reply your messages,
but I am too afraid to give you another chance.
I am scared to be hurt once more,
to feel insecurities all over again,
and to go through another depressing cycle.

Things happened for a reason.
You entered my life for a reason,
and you left for a reason which is unknown to me.
I am currently happy with my life,
excited on what is going to happen each day,
and always keeping faith that after you,
there will be another one,
who is waiting for me at the next turn.

Thank you for everything.
I loved you,
and I hated you.
Regardless of where you are, I wish you the happiness and joy of a lifetime.
Till we meet again as strangers.

Jenny~

Unfair

There are times when I felt unfair,

unfair on why some people could easily complain and get excused in work,

unfair on how people who don't really work still get recognition while those working their asses off aren't getting any,

unfair on why these people are still sitting in the office "working" while complaining about their work,

unfair on why they could simply use the terms such as "burnout", "stress" and "couldn't sleep at night" just because of an upcoming competition.

I am not a perfect person,

some people say that I am a crazy workaholic lady who takes upon all kinds of jobs,

but mind you,

I dont work for recognition,

I dont work for the sake of achieving fame,

I work for the sake of my school and my pupils,

I make things happen because I wanted to try new challenges,

I create new things in school because I have faith that things would work out even if it means that I have to stay back at school every afternoon,

I accept jobs because I was not given any choice to,

I tried rejecting jobs but who am I to say no when my big boss trusts me with more and more responsibilities each day.

There are days when I wished I could just stop and rest,

Days when I wished I could just go back home and sleep,

Days when I wished I don't have to do anything but to teach.

But I know that I couldn't stop myself from working.

Work has became my current obsession.

My place to escape reality.

My place to escape from the constant overthinking about things.

And my toxic happiness.

Therefore, before you complain about your endless work,

please step into someone else's shoes before even dare to declare that you are burnout.

Your attitude is what burns you down.

So walk the talk,

be the role model that you wish to be remembered with,

and not the person who only knows how to complain, reprimand and talk bad about someone else's work or achievements.

Jenny~