Late at night

This is my second night of staying up late at night,
trying to complete the pending tasks and assignments,
trying to beat deadlines for this semester,
alone in this battle,
and longing for someone to at least called to ask if I am okay.

No matter how much I told myself that I don't really want to care about relationships,
deep inside,
it still matters a lot to me.
I, like all the other ladies out there,
wished to be embraced,
loved,
and cared for.

Wished that someone would call and asked if I am already sleeping,
or text to ask if I need anything
or tell me that I can do this and he will always be there to support me.
Wished that someone would send me food and drinks to boost my energy level while battling,
that someone would just ring my phone and tell me that he is here,
even without bringing anything,
just able to see him or listen to him would made my day or night even better.

I too longed for all these,
and though I tell myself that he is out there,
and I just have to wait patiently,
a part of me started to lose hope,
and started to embrace loneliness as a part of my life.

I too longed to have someone to love,
and though I tell myself that things will happen at its own timing,
and I just have to wait for the right timing,
a part of me started to lose trust in that matter,
and started to lose track of whatever timing there is,
and just living a day after a day without anticipating what's next in relationship.

Since when I became someone like this?

Jenny~

Familiar

Unexpectedly, 

I still recognize that familiar back,

that familiar sweater,

that familiar hairstyle,

and that familiar posture of yours.

I remember you.

And I still remember you.

I remember that back,

that back that I always stood behind whenever we were together.

That familiar sweater,

that sweater that you made sure I wore when we were out in the cinema or when you saw me shivered.

That familiar hairstyle that at one glance, I knew it's you no matter where you stood.

That familiar posture,

that posture that always reminded me of how we always sat together, talking about our future and the uncertainties,

the stories of your family and all the things you went through,

and the time when you just sat quietly next to me.

But somehow, it felt strange.

Strange to feel familiarity when you and I are not longer connected to one another.

Life is strange,

it could bring two strangers together and create the best moments in life,

and in a glimpse,

it could also break two person and become strangers,

losing the memories that have been created.

I guess I have to get used to this.

Get used to this familiar and yet, strange feelings.

Get used to someone that I used to know.

And getting used of feeling cold again.

Jenny~

Fragile times

Last night, I was having the worst meltdown ever.
I didn't know what to do,
I didn't what I was reading,
and I didn't what I was really doing.

I was sitting in front of my laptop,
trying to read and start completing my tasks,
when my brain just jammed and I was stuck there.
And that's when I felt like giving up,
I felt like why am I forcing myself to do all this,
I don't have anyone to prove myself,
I don't even have anyone that I could turn to and tell them all my woes,

I used to have one,
I used to have someone who would tried his best to cheer me up,
and gave me all the support I needed,
I used to have someone who tried to make me smile despite how gloomy my day was,
and surprised me with sudden outings, movies or even dessert time.
And now, he's gone.
At that moment, I suddenly felt fragile.
Everything and everyone is changing,
and for that one moment, I hated changes.

I wanted the old times back.
As foolish as it is, I wanted to go back to that time when I used to have someone at my side.
And I cried.
I cried hard.
And that's when I realised that all I need to do to feel better,
is to just to open up and let it all out.
I have been holding it down for quite some time,
and it is nice to show that broken side once in a while.

Today, I felt better after sleeping in.
I felt much better after letting all out.
I felt much better after those fragile moments and got my mind cleared.
Be fragile once in a while,
you can't act strong all the time.

Jenny~

A talk

Today, I went out for lunch with a close colleague of mine.
We talked about school stuffs and I mentioned about my neighbour who has a son,
and we laughed and teased around a bit about this new "good view",
when suddenly she asked about you.

She asked whether both of us contacted one another or not,
whether you find me during my birthday,
or whether we ever met up once in a while,
in which I answered, "No."

We talked about the reasons why you left,
why you decided to turn your back against me and failed to recognise me anymore,
and she asked,
why did I ever fall in love with you.
And that took me back to the time when you were the nicest,
sweetest,
kindest man that I ever met in my whole life.
The man who created sparks and joy,
The man who I would always go to whenever I need to talk or celebrate something,
and the man who I thought is finally the right one,
but things happened to be different at the end of the tunnel.

She asked me if one day you find me back,
apologise and tell me all the reasons on why you did this on the first place,
would I ever accept you back?
And this is my answer,
I will still reply your messages,
but I am too afraid to give you another chance.
I am scared to be hurt once more,
to feel insecurities all over again,
and to go through another depressing cycle.

Things happened for a reason.
You entered my life for a reason,
and you left for a reason which is unknown to me.
I am currently happy with my life,
excited on what is going to happen each day,
and always keeping faith that after you,
there will be another one,
who is waiting for me at the next turn.

Thank you for everything.
I loved you,
and I hated you.
Regardless of where you are, I wish you the happiness and joy of a lifetime.
Till we meet again as strangers.

Jenny~

Unfair

There are times when I felt unfair,

unfair on why some people could easily complain and get excused in work,

unfair on how people who don't really work still get recognition while those working their asses off aren't getting any,

unfair on why these people are still sitting in the office "working" while complaining about their work,

unfair on why they could simply use the terms such as "burnout", "stress" and "couldn't sleep at night" just because of an upcoming competition.

I am not a perfect person,

some people say that I am a crazy workaholic lady who takes upon all kinds of jobs,

but mind you,

I dont work for recognition,

I dont work for the sake of achieving fame,

I work for the sake of my school and my pupils,

I make things happen because I wanted to try new challenges,

I create new things in school because I have faith that things would work out even if it means that I have to stay back at school every afternoon,

I accept jobs because I was not given any choice to,

I tried rejecting jobs but who am I to say no when my big boss trusts me with more and more responsibilities each day.

There are days when I wished I could just stop and rest,

Days when I wished I could just go back home and sleep,

Days when I wished I don't have to do anything but to teach.

But I know that I couldn't stop myself from working.

Work has became my current obsession.

My place to escape reality.

My place to escape from the constant overthinking about things.

And my toxic happiness.

Therefore, before you complain about your endless work,

please step into someone else's shoes before even dare to declare that you are burnout.

Your attitude is what burns you down.

So walk the talk,

be the role model that you wish to be remembered with,

and not the person who only knows how to complain, reprimand and talk bad about someone else's work or achievements.

Jenny~

New place

I remembered how I hated changes.

How I hated to move around and having to adjust at a new place.

How I hated to make new friends and leaving people whom I am comfortable.

How I always felt sad when change happened,

and how I always despised change.

But now,

I have finally brought myself to embrace change.

A change in the environment where I am staying,

Moving to a new place helped me to start over my life,

and renew myself again.

I thought I would miss the old place I stayed,

but I guess I am not.

I am glad to move out,

I am glad that I have the chance to start anew at a new place,

and leaving all the memories at the place where it should be.

A change with my attitude with people,

A change whereby I stopped clinging to people to be happy,

and starting to feel happy with loneliness that I am dealing with.

I am thankful and grateful that I found the new meaning of love,

where love should be first poured to myself,

where love should be treating myself well,

and love should be from within before it radiates to other people.

I finally stopped myself from chasing after love,

I finally stopped putting hopes and expectations to people I just met,

and finally, focusing on myself.

Change is inevitable.

Embrace change,

and fall in love with the process.

Jenny~

27.

Happy birthday to me, myself and I.
26 has been a great year,
despite the ups and downs,
26 has been an eye opening age where I learnt a lot.
Learnt to embrace both happiness and sadness.
Learnt to let go when the time comes.
Learnt how to focus on myself more than anyone else.
Learnt to finally prioritise my time and happiness above all.

I am thankful for the people around me this year,
thankful to my parents who decided to drop by though it was a short weekend,
brought me food and offered me with much laughter, warmth and of course, lecture session.

I am thankful for my best friend,
who sent me presents despite not asking for it (this year!),
for just being there for me.

I am thankful for my colleagues who wished me good wishes,
who brought me out for a lunch treat,
who never fails to make me laugh my heart out,
or just being there to listen to my complaints at work as well as in personal life.

I am thankful for all my friends who wished me well,
Old friends who have kept me in company since primary and secondary school.
Old friends who are now a part of my family since IPG,
New friends whom I just met while doing my Masters program,
and new friends who brighten up my day though we were not very close in classes.

Thank you everyone.
Thank you for remembering,
Thank you for the well wishes,
and thank you for just being there.

27.
Let's create awesomeness.

Jenny~