Conversation with mom.

I am the type of person who would call my mom every night just to have a short conversation with her.

Usually, we would just ask one another what we were doing and what we had for dinner and stuffs,

and of course, the normal lecture of eating unhealthy food and less vegetables.

But after moving in to a new place with my brother, I realised that I complained less about my health,

I also felt much happier these days,

with less worries and anxiety except for those which were caused by my immense workloads and assignments.

So, tonight, as usual, I had the normal conversation with mom,

when I told her how time flies so fast,

and we are almost reaching the end of 2019 and towards 2020 in a couple of months,

and that's when my mom struck me with the statement that I wish she would not say,

"And yet, you are still single."

I didn't argue with her nor did I replied the statement,

and I immediately changed topic to avoid venturing deep into that.

Honestly, I have reached the age where finding the one seems to not matter so much already,

where I don't believe in love at first sight nor love is somewhere there at the corner waiting for me to discover him.

I have reached the age where most of my friends are either married or having kids.

The moments of desperation as well as hoping so much to be in love and end up like them seems to not work like it used to be already.

Right now, I felt really happy with what is happening.

Less drama, less waiting, less anxiety and less heartbreaks.

Don't get me wrong, 

it's not that I do not want to fall in love anymore,

I still hold on to my principle of wanting to get married by giving myself a break for 3 years after Masters.

I still do want to walk down the aisle and have a happy family with the man who would love me and respect my decisions in my career.

I still would want to look into the eyes of the man who would always look out for me and support my decisions even though it might be the craziest thing to do.

And I still would want to be with the man who prioritizes me while not forgetting to live as well.

And I still want to love the man who loves me and make me feel safe, knowing that I am the one he needed all this while.

I still do.

It's just that I am letting things to happen at its very own course,

while enjoying whatever is happening now.

Jenny~

Less hopeful

I was sent to Sibu last week for a three days symposium,
and I was thrilled to attend the symposium which witnessed amazing speakers from various parts of the countries and our own states.
To be able to be there and listening to their amazing and inspiring sharing about teaching,
how to make a difference in people's lives,
as well as embracing changes that is bound to happen in a person's life regardless of how we tried to stop it,
it was amazing!

During those three days, I was grateful for my IPG friend for her willingness to bring me around,
as well as kept me accompanied throughout those sessions,
Honestly speaking, both of us were super close back at IPG,
but one small mistake that was committed by me somehow caused both of us to be awkward with one another for quite some time.
Time passes and I am happy that she is now willing to share things with me,
and listened to me when it comes to sharing session.
I remembered that I have always envied her as she is pretty and always have admirers surrounding her right until now,
but I realised that it is not all beautiful for her as she couldnt even be casual with any guys without leading them into hopeless love,
or even having good friend around as the guy that they have crush will eventually fall for her.
But all I can say about her is I really hope that she will find her happiness and eventually be reunited with her love amidst all the obstacles that are in their way.

When I was at symposium, I was happy to be surrounded by inspiring people,
though I didnt really make new friends there,
but I was happy that people finally know my presence during my reflection session.
Yes, I was lucky enough to be asked to go on stage to share my reflection about the symposium in front of hundreds of teachers and distinguished guests.
At that moment, I realised that this is the time for me to shine,
time for people to hear what I am going to say and the time for me to unleash my inner potential,
and I did it!
The happiness of hearing people cheer for me and clap for me was amazing,
and thats when I realised that, I belong to the stage.
And I need to work really hard to be on stage one day like those speakers that I witnessed.

And I realised that at that moment, I was no longer searching for a person,
I was confident enough to be up there on my own.
I no longer hope to see that one man to walk up to me,
I was fine being applaud by many.
I no longer hope to meet a man amidst the crowd,
I was fine being me at all time.
And I realised that I am becoming less and less hopeful when it comes to meeting new people.

A friend told me to stop hoping,
He said that by doing so, it will stop me from getting heartbreaks.
And yes, my friend.
I stopped hoping,
and I start to walk towards the unknown path of my future,
independently.

Jenny~

While on duty

I was sent to Kuching yesterday for a duty,
and I was grateful as well as thankful to meet amazing people,
and one of them was a lady who already had 3 children and is still looking young as ever.
We talked a lot and I told her about my relationship issues,
and how I got over it and how I am really happy currently with less pressure on settling down.

And she told me her happiness before she started to mention the hardships that she went through as well while being a wife, mother and a daughter in law.
From there, I learnt a lot.
I learnt that it is not easy to stay married.
It takes a lot of commitment, patience as well as tolerance with one another in order to make things happen.
And it doesn't always happen with both sides.
There are times when the other half is not listening,
is not paying attention,
is always by the side of the in law and leaving you with no option but to suffer in silence.
But not every wedding ends in heartbreaks.
The most important lesson in it is that you and the other half is willingly to work together to achieve peace and harmony in a family.

From listening to her experience,
I realised that I am actually not ready to go through all this just yet.
I dont have the commitment nor the patience to be able to pull through these stuffs,
what more if its with a guy that I just merely love.
And I am somewhat thankful for still being single,
at least I am able to learn more and more about marriage and really prepare myself for it when the time comes.
It indeed takes two to tango,
and it is important the other half is appreciative of you like how you are appreciative to him/her.

And before forgetting, she even advised me to take work easily.
And I can see how she is worried about how crazy am I with work.
I also thought I am too indulged into work until I forgot to give myself some break at times.
But I realised that work and studies are the only thing that is keeping me sane and a pause from thinking of the unnecessary.
And somehow, like what I have mentioned previously, work and studies are my comfort zone.
A zone where there is no mention or thoughts of relationship is brought upon.
A zone where I know my heart won't break when I put on high hopes on it.
As crazy as it is, I am waiting for the one who could break the high walls that I have hidden myself in which is my passion and obsession to my work.

Someone, come and find me.

Jenny~

Gone were the days

Gone were the days when I always imagined myself falling in love helplessly,
Gone were the days when I always trust that I would eventually meet the love of my life,
Gone were the days when I always imagines myself being happily married,
Gone were the days when I always imagine falling in love when I attend any events,
Gone were those days.

I forgot how to feel,
Everytime I am attending a certain event, instead of looking forward for it,
All I could think of is how I would end up being miserable, all alone in this event,
surrounded by old people and having no chance of meeting or befriending with someone that I could connect to.
Everytime, I am attending dinner or some sort of matchmaking session, instead of having positive outlook on it,
All I could think of is how this guy is going to disappoint me with his weird attitudes or being a pervert at the end.
Everytime, I wanted to text someone,
All I could think of is how I am going to get the cold shoulders again or worse, being left at the blue ticks again.

Where has that positive, helplessly in love with the idea of being in love kind of person?
Somehow, time and age has slowly turned me into someone who doesn't feel much these days,
someone who slowly lost her trust in love,
or meeting the love of her life.
Slowly, I am turning into someone who just want to be inside the house,
and feeling scared of meeting anyone or even getting any closer with someone,
fearing of being left behind, getting hurt or meeting some weird perverts again.

Finally, I understand how Ted from HIMYM felt in the series.
The feeling of being hopeless and slowly turning away from love before he finally met the one.
Do I have to do the same as well?

Jenny~

To the stranger named David,

To the stranger named David,
I don't know if you really exist in this world,
but I want to thank you for entering my dream the other night.
I don't recall how you look by now,
but I remember your sparkling eyes,
your smile,
and your voice when you reached out to me.

I remembered how you told me that we have met for the second time,
and you introduced yourself as,
David.
Thank you for protecting me in my dream,
for holding my hands and ensuring that I was safe and warm in the dream.

Some of you might wonder why is this dream so significant to me.
And my answer is,
of all the dream I ever dreamt,
I never get to see the man's face,
or hear his voice,
and this is for the first time,
I could feel that it was real though it was only a dream.
I could feel that it was happening in real life though it was only a dream.
And I could feel the warmth and the feeling of finally being safe and secure being around someone,
though it was just a dream.

Therefore,
to the stranger named David,
I don't know who are you or where are you,
But if you really exist in this world,
I hope you will reach out to me like how you reached out to me in the dream,
I hope you will tell me that we have met for the second time,
and introduced yourself to me for the third time,
and I hope that you will be able to give me the same sense of warmth and security.

Jenny.

Don't rush

It has been quite a while not updating in this blog.
Assignments as well as workloads have been piling up previously,
and kept me away from updating the blog.
And thank God, everything has been settled,
and now, I am awaiting for my result before I proceed to my final semester in this journey of getting a Masters.

Life has been a normal routine for me.
Wake up in the morning, head to work, fulfilling my duties as an educator, head back home for lunch, TV and nap, then TV and games before repeating the same cycle again.
And for me, life is peaceful this way.
Relationship has been cast aside,
and without I knowing it, it has been placed at the furthest point in my life currently.
And I am back to being a fangirl of Kpop group,
in which I kept myself updated for every single detail of the group,
as well as wishing that I could attend their concert in the near future.

I guess this little fangirling moment has indeed helped me to cast aside any overthinking on relationship for the meantime.
And I also realised that instead of saying that there won't be anyone for me out there,
I always tell myself as well as others that I might just find a guy next year or get married next year.
No, I haven't found anyone yet but I guess by saying positive things like that will help me to feel confident that things will eventually fall in place when time comes.
I have listened to a lot of stories especially after-marriage stories where life was not the happily-ever-after that we often imagined it could be.
Challenges after challenges,
changes in routines,
lack of freedom to make own choices in career and life,
wrong choice of partners,
and the realisation of having to bear living with the man of the wrong choice due to being in a rush,
these are the things that somehow freak me out when people tried to talk me into getting married or meeting someone in blind dates.

I remembered how desperate I was to cling onto a man because I was in a rush,
and ended up getting hurt so badly that I lost hope.
I remembered how desperate I was that I didn't listen to my brain when I met a pervert,
and ended up getting traumatised with how things progressed and eventually ended by me.
And because of that,
I learnt my lesson.
Someone is out there for me,
and feeling in a rush is never going to help me get to the person.
Therefore, I kept myself happy by loving myself more,
by doing things that I love,
by being myself and truly myself instead of moulding another persona just to appease someone else,
and eventually, being confident that one day, I, too, will walk down the aisle with the man that I know is right for me.

The one who would support me in my choice of career,
The one who would be there through my ups and downs,
and the one who would make me feel safe and not wary about how he felt,
and till the day comes,
I am going to pour all this love to me, myself and I.

Jenny~

Late at night

This is my second night of staying up late at night,
trying to complete the pending tasks and assignments,
trying to beat deadlines for this semester,
alone in this battle,
and longing for someone to at least called to ask if I am okay.

No matter how much I told myself that I don't really want to care about relationships,
deep inside,
it still matters a lot to me.
I, like all the other ladies out there,
wished to be embraced,
loved,
and cared for.

Wished that someone would call and asked if I am already sleeping,
or text to ask if I need anything
or tell me that I can do this and he will always be there to support me.
Wished that someone would send me food and drinks to boost my energy level while battling,
that someone would just ring my phone and tell me that he is here,
even without bringing anything,
just able to see him or listen to him would made my day or night even better.

I too longed for all these,
and though I tell myself that he is out there,
and I just have to wait patiently,
a part of me started to lose hope,
and started to embrace loneliness as a part of my life.

I too longed to have someone to love,
and though I tell myself that things will happen at its own timing,
and I just have to wait for the right timing,
a part of me started to lose trust in that matter,
and started to lose track of whatever timing there is,
and just living a day after a day without anticipating what's next in relationship.

Since when I became someone like this?

Jenny~