Holidays

Holidays.

Finally, the long awaited break has eventually arrived.

And as usual, everyone is excited with the long break,

excited with their upcoming travel plans, or just spending their time with their families,

but not for me.

For me,

holidays mean studies.

And yes, I am now in my final semester of my Masters journey,

and I am still in the midst of completing my project paper which has been put off for several months due to hectic workloads.

Therefore, this long break is going to be filled with lots of heartaches and stress to complete as well as hand in the necessary tasks before really going off for a break.

Unlike other people, I am always feeling down when it comes to holidays.

The feeling of being at home alone,

with no one to talk or laugh with,

with no one surrounding me and making feel accompanied,

makes me at times dread for holidays, especially long ones.

Holidays also remind me of someone.

Time passes and he still lingers in my mind.

Time passes and his presence, smile and those conversations still hitting the replay button in my head.

And only work could pause and eliminate these old aches.

Save me from plunging deeper into this dark pit of workloads,

Save me from continuously seeking my way into this dark pit of workloads,

Somebody save me.

Jenny~

Busiest

Busiest time of my life.

Busy with school events,

school workloads,

documents for observations,

documents for parents' meeting,

courses and fulfilling duties as per instructed by the higher authorities,

assignments,

my incomplete paper.

It is always during the busiest time of my life that makes me miss your presence the most when its too unbearable.

It is always during the busiest time of my life that makes me addicted with the exhilaration and pressure that I forgot to let go of myself at times.

And it is always during the busiest time of my life that makes me the happiest even though under the most intense pressure,

and when everything has been settled,

it is always going to be the loneliest, saddest and hardest reality to face,

the reality that I am still alone,

lonely.

Jenny.

Slowly moving forward

I had just came back from Lawas couple of days ago to give a short briefing on a certain part of a course.
And the feeling was great.
I remembered how all the teachers first saw me and had the impression that I was just a small kid,
who knew nothing,
and who are inexperienced with my own knowledge.
I remembered how the lecturers and the officer were staring at me with two kinds of impression,
An impression of gratitude as I am able to assist them,
and an impression of being wary and doubtful whether I am able to assist them.

And because of that, it geared up my level of motivation,
of wanting to do better and to be the best in my field of work,
especially in terms of delivering the content that I am supposed to deliver.
I told myself that in order to gain respect from people,
I should first respect them and always stay humble.
And that was what I did in three slots of my briefing in the course for two days one night in Lawas.

The result?
The lecturers were really nice to me and wished me the best in my future endeavors.
The way they looked at me have changed and gave me the sense of satisfaction whenever they talked to me.
The officer who doubted me became someone who shared the most insights with me.
And I am thankful and grateful for her doubts as that has empowered me into being the most confident speaker in front of almost 80 teachers.
The course participants which comprised of senior and young teachers were attentive and the friendliest by the end of my slot.
The way they approached me and wished me safe journey back to Miri as well as thanking me for everything that I have shared,
those are the little things that bring so much joy and motivation for me to do better in the next duty.

I realised that as I am growing more mature,
I do not need high salary to feel satisfied with my achievement,
all I need are the littlest things such as being appreciated and thanked for the things that I have done for them.
Because in my life, I hold on to people's views on me and I would work hard just to show people that I can and I will be better.
Because in my life, I observed people and I learnt as well as practiced only the good ones on myself in order to be different from the people that I mingled with.
And most importantly, in my life, I want to be the best version of myself so that I would not be left in regrets for not doing so.
I seek the best for myself in order to meet the best for myself in near future.

Jenny~

5th year of career.

Being in my 5th year in my career somehow opens my eyes to many things around me,
and one of the major changes that I experience in my 5th year career is on my perceptions of the pupils that I am teaching,
especially those who are in Year 6 and are now reaching to their most rebellious stages.

I remembered how I hated to teach weak pupils,
how I always perceive them as the "bad students", "naughty pupils", those who would never succeed in life.
However, after 2016 batch of Year 6 where I witnessed a miracle of my weakest pupils passing their English Language papers after 2 years of trying my very best to help them,
my view on these "naughty pupils" have changed drastically.

Not only that, my feelings and the way I tried to approach them during my teaching as well as after class hours have also changed a lot.
Nowadays, I tried to build good relationship with them,
Trying my best to be firm, stern and a fear to them,
while at the same time, being friendly, the joker of the class and always know how to inject humor in every situations with them during the teaching session.
By doing so, I realised that I am now closer to them,
I slowly see their true colours and despite all the naughtiness and worst things that they ever done,
all they wanted is attention and someone who is willing to listen without directly judging them.

I am saddened by some teachers' attitudes who directly labeled these kids due to their mistakes in lives
I am saddened by some teachers who look at them as horrible creatures due to their wrongdoings in the past years,
and I am indeed saddened by some teachers who gave up on them right from the start instead of trying their best to re-evaluate themselves in the teaching process.

I nearly gave up teaching this year's batch of Year 6,
I was in a lot of frustration and anger when dealing a class filled with boys,
I walked out of the class in anger, slammed tables with my fist, shouted at the pupils in anger and launched a cold war with those kids due to immense anger and fury,
but at the end of the day, I still respect them and tried my best to reflect on my actions,
while figuring out how I could help them.
There are times that they are at fault, and as a teacher, as long as we can help them, we should try to help them by all means.
I do not believe in giving up on them,
I believe that they are sent to me for a reason,
and the reason is that I should touch their heart instead of just ensuring they excel in their studies.

5th year of career,
I have finally found out what kind of teacher I need to be,
a teacher who touches a pupil's heart,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see the better in the worst situation,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see their own potentials and eventually be successful regardless of what they are doing.
I couldn't promise 100% of my pupils would be successful in the future,
but I believe in 100%, there would always be that one or two who would make me proud when they grow up.

Jenny~

Conversation with mom.

I am the type of person who would call my mom every night just to have a short conversation with her.

Usually, we would just ask one another what we were doing and what we had for dinner and stuffs,

and of course, the normal lecture of eating unhealthy food and less vegetables.

But after moving in to a new place with my brother, I realised that I complained less about my health,

I also felt much happier these days,

with less worries and anxiety except for those which were caused by my immense workloads and assignments.

So, tonight, as usual, I had the normal conversation with mom,

when I told her how time flies so fast,

and we are almost reaching the end of 2019 and towards 2020 in a couple of months,

and that's when my mom struck me with the statement that I wish she would not say,

"And yet, you are still single."

I didn't argue with her nor did I replied the statement,

and I immediately changed topic to avoid venturing deep into that.

Honestly, I have reached the age where finding the one seems to not matter so much already,

where I don't believe in love at first sight nor love is somewhere there at the corner waiting for me to discover him.

I have reached the age where most of my friends are either married or having kids.

The moments of desperation as well as hoping so much to be in love and end up like them seems to not work like it used to be already.

Right now, I felt really happy with what is happening.

Less drama, less waiting, less anxiety and less heartbreaks.

Don't get me wrong, 

it's not that I do not want to fall in love anymore,

I still hold on to my principle of wanting to get married by giving myself a break for 3 years after Masters.

I still do want to walk down the aisle and have a happy family with the man who would love me and respect my decisions in my career.

I still would want to look into the eyes of the man who would always look out for me and support my decisions even though it might be the craziest thing to do.

And I still would want to be with the man who prioritizes me while not forgetting to live as well.

And I still want to love the man who loves me and make me feel safe, knowing that I am the one he needed all this while.

I still do.

It's just that I am letting things to happen at its very own course,

while enjoying whatever is happening now.

Jenny~

Less hopeful

I was sent to Sibu last week for a three days symposium,
and I was thrilled to attend the symposium which witnessed amazing speakers from various parts of the countries and our own states.
To be able to be there and listening to their amazing and inspiring sharing about teaching,
how to make a difference in people's lives,
as well as embracing changes that is bound to happen in a person's life regardless of how we tried to stop it,
it was amazing!

During those three days, I was grateful for my IPG friend for her willingness to bring me around,
as well as kept me accompanied throughout those sessions,
Honestly speaking, both of us were super close back at IPG,
but one small mistake that was committed by me somehow caused both of us to be awkward with one another for quite some time.
Time passes and I am happy that she is now willing to share things with me,
and listened to me when it comes to sharing session.
I remembered that I have always envied her as she is pretty and always have admirers surrounding her right until now,
but I realised that it is not all beautiful for her as she couldnt even be casual with any guys without leading them into hopeless love,
or even having good friend around as the guy that they have crush will eventually fall for her.
But all I can say about her is I really hope that she will find her happiness and eventually be reunited with her love amidst all the obstacles that are in their way.

When I was at symposium, I was happy to be surrounded by inspiring people,
though I didnt really make new friends there,
but I was happy that people finally know my presence during my reflection session.
Yes, I was lucky enough to be asked to go on stage to share my reflection about the symposium in front of hundreds of teachers and distinguished guests.
At that moment, I realised that this is the time for me to shine,
time for people to hear what I am going to say and the time for me to unleash my inner potential,
and I did it!
The happiness of hearing people cheer for me and clap for me was amazing,
and thats when I realised that, I belong to the stage.
And I need to work really hard to be on stage one day like those speakers that I witnessed.

And I realised that at that moment, I was no longer searching for a person,
I was confident enough to be up there on my own.
I no longer hope to see that one man to walk up to me,
I was fine being applaud by many.
I no longer hope to meet a man amidst the crowd,
I was fine being me at all time.
And I realised that I am becoming less and less hopeful when it comes to meeting new people.

A friend told me to stop hoping,
He said that by doing so, it will stop me from getting heartbreaks.
And yes, my friend.
I stopped hoping,
and I start to walk towards the unknown path of my future,
independently.

Jenny~

While on duty

I was sent to Kuching yesterday for a duty,
and I was grateful as well as thankful to meet amazing people,
and one of them was a lady who already had 3 children and is still looking young as ever.
We talked a lot and I told her about my relationship issues,
and how I got over it and how I am really happy currently with less pressure on settling down.

And she told me her happiness before she started to mention the hardships that she went through as well while being a wife, mother and a daughter in law.
From there, I learnt a lot.
I learnt that it is not easy to stay married.
It takes a lot of commitment, patience as well as tolerance with one another in order to make things happen.
And it doesn't always happen with both sides.
There are times when the other half is not listening,
is not paying attention,
is always by the side of the in law and leaving you with no option but to suffer in silence.
But not every wedding ends in heartbreaks.
The most important lesson in it is that you and the other half is willingly to work together to achieve peace and harmony in a family.

From listening to her experience,
I realised that I am actually not ready to go through all this just yet.
I dont have the commitment nor the patience to be able to pull through these stuffs,
what more if its with a guy that I just merely love.
And I am somewhat thankful for still being single,
at least I am able to learn more and more about marriage and really prepare myself for it when the time comes.
It indeed takes two to tango,
and it is important the other half is appreciative of you like how you are appreciative to him/her.

And before forgetting, she even advised me to take work easily.
And I can see how she is worried about how crazy am I with work.
I also thought I am too indulged into work until I forgot to give myself some break at times.
But I realised that work and studies are the only thing that is keeping me sane and a pause from thinking of the unnecessary.
And somehow, like what I have mentioned previously, work and studies are my comfort zone.
A zone where there is no mention or thoughts of relationship is brought upon.
A zone where I know my heart won't break when I put on high hopes on it.
As crazy as it is, I am waiting for the one who could break the high walls that I have hidden myself in which is my passion and obsession to my work.

Someone, come and find me.

Jenny~