Reflection

31.12.2018.
It's finally new year eve, and tomorrow morning will be a new beginning for you and me.
2018 has been a great year filled with wonderful moments created and spent with people around me,
2018 is also a year where I experienced loss in many ways which in turn made me stronger.

I remembered entering 2018 with someone at my side,
thinking that he will remain at my side until the end of 2018,
but it didn't happen.
Things started to change between us,
we lost contact,
we stopped exchanging messages,
and we stopped caring for one another.
It hurts a lot to commit myself to this distance,
but putting him far away from my sight seems to be the best cure.
And today, we have already on our own paths of lives.

2018 was also the year where I worked really hard for my pupils as well as for my studies,
I spent a lot of my time in school,
trying to beat deadlines for school works and assignments,
and I eventually got addicted to it until it has now became my escape room.

2018 was also the year where I started my studies in my Masters.
And to be able to meet with new people,
creating new friendships with people who unknowingly became the closest people in my life,
I found back my happiness and smiles in them.
Memories were created with them and I am glad that 2018 has brought these new people into my life.

2018 was also the year where I lost my closest colleague.
A man who have been a source of comfort and laughter at school,
A man who works really hard for his family,
A man that I look up to as my ideal type of husband,
and a man who never fails to smile and say 'hi' whenever we walked passed one another.
My lunch partner every time we stayed back for work,
and my partner to tease around with.
I may lose him physically, but he will always be around deep in my memories.

2018 is also a year where my best friend got married.
The most important event for her as well as for myself,
to see her hitched with the man she truly loves,
and to be able to experience everlasting happiness is something that I have always wished to see one day,
and it finally came true.

It has been an awesome year,
being surrounded by my family and friends,
my amazing colleagues who never fail to be there when I need them the most,
for filling up the gaps in my heart and allowing me to be myself.
To my family, thank you for being at my side though we bicker a lot.
To my best friend, thank you for not leaving me even though you have changed status to madam.
To my new and old friends, thank you for being there to make me laugh at all times.
To my colleagues, thank you for being there especially when I needed to laugh or complain.
To the one who I have lost contact with, thank you for the past 3 years of laughter, tears, warmth and comfort.

Jenny~

Towards the end

27th December 2018.

How time flies.

How fast we are approaching to the end of 2018,

and into a new beginning of 2019.

2018 has been a great year compared to the previous one,

2018 was a year where I learnt new things, 

experienced new feelings,

meeting new people,

and having several new crushes be it real life or in my celebrity world.

2018 was also a year where I learnt to let go,

to move on,

and to look at life with a new perspective.

A year where I finally found my smiles and happiness,

without having to depend on others to do so.

A year where I could finally do something for myself,

without having to depend on other to do it for me.

And as we are approaching the end of 2018,

I will be updating my reflection on the things that happened in 2018,

and setting new year resolutions for 2019.

Till then.

Jenny~

Erased

It took me a long time to do this.
The decision to erase,
to remove,
and to leave it behind,
was a decision that I couldn't make everytime I see your name.

But now,
I am done with it.
Names have been erased.
Feelings have been wiped off.
Memories have stopped replaying in my mind.

You are now my past,
and I am now moving towards the future,
without your shadows lurking around me.
I can now smile,
without your presence.

Jenny~

Reminisce

The empty seat.

The clean notebook.

The smell of coffee.

The sound of soft chatters.

The mellow jazz.

She sits there,

all alone,

staring out there,

wondering how was everyone.

How was the man with big sparkling eyes,

who have always passed by her window,

and now has became a part of her past.

How was the man with the craziest stories,

silliest antics,

who always kept her company with his annoying jokes,

and now has became a part of her past as well.

How was the man who have created the most wonderful dreams,

who gave her hopes and warmth,

who laughed at every words and sentences she said,

who shared the same passions, hobbies, likes,

and now has also became a part of her past.

How was the man who she never met,

but have kept her company through letters,

who she thought might be the unexpected one,

and turns out to be someone who should have belonged to the past.

She reminisce all the memories created in the past,

she thought for a while.

Should she pen down these into her notebook,

or should she just let them drift away in her chest of memories.

She looked outside,

wishing to find something,

or someone else to write about in her notebook.

She looked down on the new page,

and thought hard before writing the first two words,

'begin again'

Jenny~

Opinions

It gets frustrating when conversation with mom always end up with conflicting opinions on marriage.
Mom has this traditional mindset whereby a lady must be married before the age of 30,
or else, she would have no more market value by that time.
Mom also has this traditional opinion where she doesn't believe in love.
She believes that one should just get married and then, feelings would eventually appear according to its course of time,
which is applicable to my grandfather and grandmother's time,
as well as my parents' time,
whereby they are not allowed to simply go out and hang out with guys,
and must follow what their parents have decided for them.

I do respect my mom's opinions as those are her experiences,
but I wish she would listen to me just one time,
and listen to what the current world is heading to.
My mindset of marriage is yes, a lady must be married but not within an age limit.
A woman does not lose their market value at any ages,
but always has her own values.
If a man couldn't accept a woman above 30 years old,
it was never the woman's fault but the man who failed to see her beauty over her age.
I once believed in getting married first and then develop feelings later,
but right now, I don't.
The thought of agreeing to marry with a total stranger whom I don't even have any feelings or a good impression on scared the wits out of me.
It's not because I am financially independent or I am a hot stuff that I can pick whatever guy I want to,
but I just don't want to regret right at the moment I walk down that aisle.
I don't want to suffer in silence,
and kept on having the what-ifs popping out in my head even though I am already married.
I can't even imagine myself sharing a bed with a complete stranger,
and having to bear living with him for the rest of my life,
when I am still in doubt and still hoping for someone else to appear in my life.

Mom also believes that I should be the one who should be searching for man,
who should be flirting and asking man out,
who should be the one to take initiative to make a guy fall for me,
but mom, since when did you start to turn your daughter into a desperate lady when it was also you who ask me to take my time?
Why should I do all those stuffs to a complete stranger who doesn't even take any initiative to know me more?
Why should I be the one to search for him when he was the one who left me hanging like the previous man?
Why should I be the one flirting and asking him out when I don't have any purpose of doing so?
And why should I be the one to take initiative to make him fall for me when he does not even find me occasionally?

Dear mom,
How I wish you could read this post,
and understand your daughter's point of view.
Your daughter wants to get married too,
Your daughter wants to have kids too,
Your daughter wants to be near to you even after getting married,
But your daughter wants to settle down with a man whose worthy of her,
who could take care of her,
whom she loves and would sacrifice anything for him.
Your daughter is all ready, but she just hasn't found the one she could put her heart out for.
Your daughter wants to be happy, and not suffer in silence due to her obedience to you.

Jenny~

The truth

The truth.
The truth was that I have accepted the truth.
The truth.
The truth was that I have knew all the truth all this while,
but I chose to avoid it.
I chose to lie to myself, thinking things will change into better ones,
I chose to put the truth behind me, and kept on wishing that you will turn around for me.

But in the whole process of wishing and putting my heart out there for you,
I ended up in despair, sadness and in great emotional swings,
the feelings of having you at my side and then losing you at the next sight,
the feelings of having to stalk her just to know how you are doing,
the fear that I am going to lose you to anyone out there,
makes me lose myself,
and eventually, back to square one.

I am lucky.
Someone came along and woke me up from this endless cycle,
someone lent his hands to me and picked me up from the side,
and encouraged me to keep on walking.
Someone came to my side,
embraced me and told me that I should continue my journey,
and I did.

I put behind all those baggage,
and I walked on with the good memories we had.
I deleted all the negative feelings,
and I brought along the positive feelings with me.
I met with truth,
I sat with truth,
and I listened to the truth that I have avoided all this while.
And truth didn't hurt me,
it further consolidates the reason of moving on.

And I am now heading to the next step,
not alone,
but with her, them and him.
I finally found my rays of light amidst the darkness.
I finally found my true happiness in me.
and I have finally accepted
the truth.

Jenny~

It's not me

At the age of 26,
and a few more months ahead before the beginning of the new year,
which directly bringing my age to 27,
I have been getting pressures from my parents on marriage.

At the age of 26,
I have finally matured up,
and realised that relationship and marriage is something that I have suddenly left at the back of my priority list.
I realised that whenever the topic on marriage appears,
I would forever despise talking about the topic especially when my mom has been pestering me to contact this man,
ask him out for a drink,
be more open-minded,
be more forward,
and "chase" after this guy.

But dear mom,
he is not my cup of tea.
I couldn't imagine myself standing next to this man,
what more getting married with him,
and having kids with him,
and ending my bright future out there with this man who I know I do not have feelings with.

Just by looking at his pictures,
all I can say is,
I am not interested to know more about this man,
what more with his cowardice of not trying to approach me constantly,
not trying to find a topic that could make me keep wanting to share more,
and being a guy where I HAVE to pursue,
makes me feel disgusted.

I stopped chasing after men,
heartbreaks after heartbreaks taught me that being patient is something that is rewarding.
I stopped putting my heart out there,
heartbreaks after heartbreaks taught me to guard my heart fiercely.
I stopped dreaming of being in a relationship,
heartbreaks after heartbreaks taught me that dreams would only remain dreams.
And finally, I stopped having the feeling of wanting to love someone else,
heartbreaks after heartbreaks taught me to love myself more instead of giving all to another person who would eventually leave me in pieces again.

Heartbreaks taught me a lot.
It taught me to listen to my heart.
And if I do all those stuffs that my mom wanted me to do,
I will do eventually, but trust me,
it will not end up anywhere.
I am just doing for the sake of being a filial daughter,
and not for the sake of creating any future with this man.

Jenny~