Stop hiding.
Sometimes, I hate myself for allowing my feelings overpower my whole thinking.
In these few years,
I have been doing reflections on myself,
my feelings as well as how I am leading my daily life.
I realised that I have allowed my feelings to conquer my thinking almost daily.
I also realised that I became an extreme person,
who takes extreme measures.
My mood swings are terrible where I can be happy and laughing,
and then, sad and crying for no apparent reason.
I think in extreme measures,
whereby it's either I can start building up my imagination of a future with a man who I just met,
or I can already imagine the worse happenings when a person left my side.
There seems to be no "middle" for a person like me.
At times,
I thought to myself,
why do I overthink so much?
What am I so insecure?
Why do i feel a great grief and sadness everytime a person leaves my side?
Why can't I accept that things happen for a reason, and I am the only reason of all these overthinking?
There are times I wish I could just stop thinking,
stop feeling,
and just stop.
There are times I wish I could lock myself up in a room,
where I don't meet with anyone,
and don't get attached.
But at the end of the day,
what has been holding me down is not him or her,
it has always been me.
When I talked to my counselor,
or seek answers from God,
I find that the answers have always been around me.
That I am the one who has been tormenting myself with unrealistic thoughts,
making things so difficult when it has already been difficult.
Always clinging to something that I always say I could let go,
but in the end, I couldn't.
Always trying to rush into things especially relationships,
and then building up unrealistic thoughts and expectations,
when everything was just budding,
and eventually blaming myself when things didn't work out like how I have imagined it to be.
It's difficult being me.
I used to wish that I would be able to meet the one who could accept me in this package,
but I myself couldn't even accept myself,
what more to say if it's someone else?
I always tell myself to change,
to be stronger,
but hiding behind these so-called-stronger-version-of-me while inside, I am hurting and struggling.
Therefore, it's time to accept the fact that I am weak,
that I need help,
and that, it's okay to just cry it out when I need to.
Because no matter how great a storm is,
there will come a day when the sun will come out.
Jenny.
As she was busy writing in her journal,
a postman came by,
and passed her two letters.
Both were from her most important people.
She opened the first one and was delighted,
that her friend has finally achieved what she had always dreamt of.
Receiving the marriage announcement from her friend,
made her smile and feeling happy to finally witness,
a good event.
She then opened the second letter.
Her hands started to tremble,
tears started to roll down without her noticing,
and she couldn't believe what she has seen.
Another important person to her might be leaving,
and won't be around for a long time.
Suddenly, her heart shattered.
She never know what to expect from this letter,
a disastrous event.
For a while,
she looked outside her window,
clutching both letters tightly,
thinking to herself,
why two most important persons in her life,
are going to leave her alone?
One to pursue her happiness,
and another to walk away in sickness.
She started to bawl and couldn't stop herself from crying.
Until she started to walk towards a small room in the train.
She looked up and kept on telling Him,
to give her strength,
to keep him safe,
to not take away people around her so soon,
and allow her to put all her burden onto Him.
She suddenly felt an inner peace.
She felt lighter.
and she walked back to her carriage.
As she was walking back,
she kept telling herself to be strong.
Everything happens for a reason.
And she can't do anything but to accept it with a strong heart.
She tells herself that she is not the only one whose going through this,
and she will make it at the end of the day.
She wiped away her tears,
and continue to look outside her carriage,
and closed her eyes,
and felt the peace that has been given to her by Him.
Jenny~
a postman came by,
and passed her two letters.
Both were from her most important people.
She opened the first one and was delighted,
that her friend has finally achieved what she had always dreamt of.
Receiving the marriage announcement from her friend,
made her smile and feeling happy to finally witness,
a good event.
She then opened the second letter.
Her hands started to tremble,
tears started to roll down without her noticing,
and she couldn't believe what she has seen.
Another important person to her might be leaving,
and won't be around for a long time.
Suddenly, her heart shattered.
She never know what to expect from this letter,
a disastrous event.
For a while,
she looked outside her window,
clutching both letters tightly,
thinking to herself,
why two most important persons in her life,
are going to leave her alone?
One to pursue her happiness,
and another to walk away in sickness.
She started to bawl and couldn't stop herself from crying.
Until she started to walk towards a small room in the train.
She looked up and kept on telling Him,
to give her strength,
to keep him safe,
to not take away people around her so soon,
and allow her to put all her burden onto Him.
She suddenly felt an inner peace.
She felt lighter.
and she walked back to her carriage.
As she was walking back,
she kept telling herself to be strong.
Everything happens for a reason.
And she can't do anything but to accept it with a strong heart.
She tells herself that she is not the only one whose going through this,
and she will make it at the end of the day.
She wiped away her tears,
and continue to look outside her carriage,
and closed her eyes,
and felt the peace that has been given to her by Him.
Jenny~
"Don't say sorry,
Don't say you will make it up to me,
It all sounds so familiar,
with the one who said the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.
Don't make me feel happy,
Don't make things that will spark the tiniest hope in me,
It all sounds so familiar,
with the one who did the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.
Don't make me feel important,
Don't make me even feel that I have the slightest position in your life,
It all feels so familiar,
with the one who did the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.
Don't.
Coz right now, I start to,
build walls around me,
and I'm slowly pushing you away."
She placed her pen down,
and stared outside,
outside the cold,
with raindrops fighting with one another to reach the end point.
Jenny~
Don't say you will make it up to me,
It all sounds so familiar,
with the one who said the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.
Don't make me feel happy,
Don't make things that will spark the tiniest hope in me,
It all sounds so familiar,
with the one who did the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.
Don't make me feel important,
Don't make me even feel that I have the slightest position in your life,
It all feels so familiar,
with the one who did the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.
Don't.
Coz right now, I start to,
build walls around me,
and I'm slowly pushing you away."
She placed her pen down,
and stared outside,
outside the cold,
with raindrops fighting with one another to reach the end point.
Jenny~
Like a butterfly,
trying to spread my wings up high,
Like a butterfly,
Trapped in a glass of jar.
Trapped in a safe and comfortable place,
but unable to fly out and witness the beauty,
unable to feel the danger and learn to survive on its own,
unable to make own decisions to either fly or stay.
Flying up and down,
trying to find own freedom,
trying to fight against the big glass of jar,
but only could hear the sounds,
sounds of people,
telling it that, it's for its own good.
that the world out there is dangerous,
that staying in the glass jar is safe,
that all it will get from flying out,
is a waste of time, energy and resources.
It could only listen and fight quietly,
it could only listen and follow the order,
waiting for another person to open that jar?
the butterfly has given up all its hopes on that.
It could only hope that one day,
it could fight again and make its way out of the glass jar.
Make its way out into the "dangerous yet beautiful" world out there,
and be itself.
To fly and experience all the experiences it should have experienced in the first place.
Keep the faith, dear butterfly.
You will one day leave this glass of jar,
and fly up high.
Just keep holding on,
dear butterfly,
dear me.
Jenny~
trying to spread my wings up high,
Like a butterfly,
Trapped in a glass of jar.
Trapped in a safe and comfortable place,
but unable to fly out and witness the beauty,
unable to feel the danger and learn to survive on its own,
unable to make own decisions to either fly or stay.
Flying up and down,
trying to find own freedom,
trying to fight against the big glass of jar,
but only could hear the sounds,
sounds of people,
telling it that, it's for its own good.
that the world out there is dangerous,
that staying in the glass jar is safe,
that all it will get from flying out,
is a waste of time, energy and resources.
It could only listen and fight quietly,
it could only listen and follow the order,
waiting for another person to open that jar?
the butterfly has given up all its hopes on that.
It could only hope that one day,
it could fight again and make its way out of the glass jar.
Make its way out into the "dangerous yet beautiful" world out there,
and be itself.
To fly and experience all the experiences it should have experienced in the first place.
Keep the faith, dear butterfly.
You will one day leave this glass of jar,
and fly up high.
Just keep holding on,
dear butterfly,
dear me.
Jenny~
She once told me,
to go out and meet people,
mix and mingle until I find the right one.
She once told me,
to find a man whose not only emotionally available but also, financially ready,
and that, I deserve a better life.
She once told me,
to find a man who can pamper with luxuries and the things I want,
and to feel complete with his love and materials.
She once told me,
to never give up,
and continue to pursue in my search.
After she got married,
she told me,
to continuously pray for the right man to appear,
that unexpected course will happen at the most unexpected time.
And she asked me,
3 questions.
And told me to go and search,
for the man that answers that 3 questions.
And I realised,
how foolish am I,
for always giving my time,
putting things in my priority list,
when I was never a priority.
How stuck I am in my fantasy world,
that if I just stay being myself,
someone would come along and accept me as I am.
How stuck I am in my dreamy world,
that unexpected would happen in a blink,
when I was not even doing anything.
And how stuck I am in my own imagination,
that giving all of me,
has never been sufficient to someone who never sees me as a whole.
It's time to change.
It's time to take the lest traveled road.
It's time to pack up and leave.
It's time for the next phase.
Jenny~
to go out and meet people,
mix and mingle until I find the right one.
She once told me,
to find a man whose not only emotionally available but also, financially ready,
and that, I deserve a better life.
She once told me,
to find a man who can pamper with luxuries and the things I want,
and to feel complete with his love and materials.
She once told me,
to never give up,
and continue to pursue in my search.
After she got married,
she told me,
to continuously pray for the right man to appear,
that unexpected course will happen at the most unexpected time.
And she asked me,
3 questions.
And told me to go and search,
for the man that answers that 3 questions.
And I realised,
how foolish am I,
for always giving my time,
putting things in my priority list,
when I was never a priority.
How stuck I am in my fantasy world,
that if I just stay being myself,
someone would come along and accept me as I am.
How stuck I am in my dreamy world,
that unexpected would happen in a blink,
when I was not even doing anything.
And how stuck I am in my own imagination,
that giving all of me,
has never been sufficient to someone who never sees me as a whole.
It's time to change.
It's time to take the lest traveled road.
It's time to pack up and leave.
It's time for the next phase.
Jenny~
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