Familiar

Unexpectedly, 

I still recognize that familiar back,

that familiar sweater,

that familiar hairstyle,

and that familiar posture of yours.

I remember you.

And I still remember you.

I remember that back,

that back that I always stood behind whenever we were together.

That familiar sweater,

that sweater that you made sure I wore when we were out in the cinema or when you saw me shivered.

That familiar hairstyle that at one glance, I knew it's you no matter where you stood.

That familiar posture,

that posture that always reminded me of how we always sat together, talking about our future and the uncertainties,

the stories of your family and all the things you went through,

and the time when you just sat quietly next to me.

But somehow, it felt strange.

Strange to feel familiarity when you and I are not longer connected to one another.

Life is strange,

it could bring two strangers together and create the best moments in life,

and in a glimpse,

it could also break two person and become strangers,

losing the memories that have been created.

I guess I have to get used to this.

Get used to this familiar and yet, strange feelings.

Get used to someone that I used to know.

And getting used of feeling cold again.

Jenny~

Fragile times

Last night, I was having the worst meltdown ever.
I didn't know what to do,
I didn't what I was reading,
and I didn't what I was really doing.

I was sitting in front of my laptop,
trying to read and start completing my tasks,
when my brain just jammed and I was stuck there.
And that's when I felt like giving up,
I felt like why am I forcing myself to do all this,
I don't have anyone to prove myself,
I don't even have anyone that I could turn to and tell them all my woes,

I used to have one,
I used to have someone who would tried his best to cheer me up,
and gave me all the support I needed,
I used to have someone who tried to make me smile despite how gloomy my day was,
and surprised me with sudden outings, movies or even dessert time.
And now, he's gone.
At that moment, I suddenly felt fragile.
Everything and everyone is changing,
and for that one moment, I hated changes.

I wanted the old times back.
As foolish as it is, I wanted to go back to that time when I used to have someone at my side.
And I cried.
I cried hard.
And that's when I realised that all I need to do to feel better,
is to just to open up and let it all out.
I have been holding it down for quite some time,
and it is nice to show that broken side once in a while.

Today, I felt better after sleeping in.
I felt much better after letting all out.
I felt much better after those fragile moments and got my mind cleared.
Be fragile once in a while,
you can't act strong all the time.

Jenny~

A talk

Today, I went out for lunch with a close colleague of mine.
We talked about school stuffs and I mentioned about my neighbour who has a son,
and we laughed and teased around a bit about this new "good view",
when suddenly she asked about you.

She asked whether both of us contacted one another or not,
whether you find me during my birthday,
or whether we ever met up once in a while,
in which I answered, "No."

We talked about the reasons why you left,
why you decided to turn your back against me and failed to recognise me anymore,
and she asked,
why did I ever fall in love with you.
And that took me back to the time when you were the nicest,
sweetest,
kindest man that I ever met in my whole life.
The man who created sparks and joy,
The man who I would always go to whenever I need to talk or celebrate something,
and the man who I thought is finally the right one,
but things happened to be different at the end of the tunnel.

She asked me if one day you find me back,
apologise and tell me all the reasons on why you did this on the first place,
would I ever accept you back?
And this is my answer,
I will still reply your messages,
but I am too afraid to give you another chance.
I am scared to be hurt once more,
to feel insecurities all over again,
and to go through another depressing cycle.

Things happened for a reason.
You entered my life for a reason,
and you left for a reason which is unknown to me.
I am currently happy with my life,
excited on what is going to happen each day,
and always keeping faith that after you,
there will be another one,
who is waiting for me at the next turn.

Thank you for everything.
I loved you,
and I hated you.
Regardless of where you are, I wish you the happiness and joy of a lifetime.
Till we meet again as strangers.

Jenny~