Her purpose

She has been wandering around the streets for months by now.
Ever since she left the train station,
she has been wandering about from streets to streets,
cafes to cafes,
and bookshops to another library.

She was trying to find herself,
her purpose,
and her mission in this life.
She has filled with curiosity as to what she is destined to do in this life,
what is her purpose in people's lives,
and why is she hurting badly in almost every encounter.

And finally, she realised that she has been serving her purpose all this while.
To be a source of comfort and laughter to other people.
She realised that all this while, she had been tending to lost souls,
broken-hearted ones,
unloved beings,
as well as those with emotional burdens.

She recalled back all her encounters,
and found that, she had been always there to comfort,
to create happiness,
and to bring them to their starting point.
She sacrificed her own happiness for others,
she gave all her love to others,
hoping that they will do the same to her,
and returned the same favour back to her.
She was hurting badly because it never happened.

She looked up to the sky,
and asked the sky,
if this is really her purpose in this life,
to sacrifice own happiness for others,
to provide a place of comfort to broken ones,
while she is still broken.
She hated the fact,
but slowly, she embraced it,
and made it a part of her.

"I will continue this mission,
to provide comfort and happiness to others,
but this time,
with no more expectations,
and no more heartbreaks."

Jenny~

Her wedding

As I was on my way to Kuching to catch the earliest flight to Sibu,
all I was thinking was about how things were going on her side.
Last Saturday was my best friend's wedding,
and in order to be there as a witness to this magical moment,
I sacrificed my classes on the weekend,
and took a ride to Kuching and stayed overnight alone before leaving at the earliest flight.

I was really grateful with the people that have helped me along the journey,
my new friends as well as my cousins who had reduced my loneliness into bits during one night at Kuching.
I remembered waking super early to get ready for my flight,
and during my journey from Kuching to Sibu,
I was anxious as I was worried I wouldn't witness her first part of the ceremony at her home.
Luckily, I was able to reach on time,
and spent the hours with her while trying to make her feel calm and happy by cracking silly jokes.

And the time came for her father and family members to send her off to her husband.
I remembered seeing her crying badly,
and I was moved to tears as well.
I was trying to hold back but shedding tears was a must,
I, too, was sad to send her off to her new life,
but as the closest person to her, I was happy that she has finally settled down with the man that was right for her.

After the first part, I went to her reception,
took pictures with her and kept reminding her to smile,
and that, she should be happy on this day.
As I was in a rush, I had to leave early before I bid her farewell.
When I reached the airport and was leaving to Miri,
I had mixed feelings.
I was happy to see her settling down with her love,
while I am still in pursuit for the right man to settle down.
I was happy to see her gain another plus one,
while I am somehow losing my grip and back to being the only one.
I was happy to see her beginning a new life with her plus one,
while I am still somehow re-setting my life.

No matter what happens, to my best friend,
I wish you all the happiness and love in your newly-found life,
I am not sure if you would ever read this,
but remember that, no matter what happens in your marriage,
you can always depend on me.
May your marriage be blessed with lots of love and happiness,
and that, I am able to the best Auntie to your children,
and may I, too, will be the next one to walk down the aisle
with the love of my life.

Jenny~

Aftermath

Holidays have started a month ago and finally came to its end.

Time passed really slow during the holidays,

and each day,

I was anticipating for my return to work,

dealing with hectic timetables and kids.

During this month-long holidays,

I have went through a series of emotional bouts,

where I caught myself falling and tumbling down at all times.

I felt insecure,

I felt devastated,

I felt terribly sad and not telling to anyone,

makes things worse.

Until it was time for me to go off for holiday classes,

where I found back my happy pills.

It was also during those times that reading has helped me to pull through a lot.

One of the online books that I have been reading was "Into the Magic Shop",

it was from BTS, a Korean group which I have been following for a couple of weeks,

that has also been pulling me through the difficult times.

After reading few chapters in that particular book,

I started to open my heart,

and slowly let go.

I have clung onto something that I knew I wouldn't possess,

I have went back to the old square without noticing how far I have strayed away from the original path that I have told myself to take,

I have hold onto a hope that I knew from earlier on that this would eventually harm me at the end of the day,

I have always been going back to the same old bench,

without realising how stuck I was in the cycle.

And eventually, I started to care less.

I started to tell myself that it is fine to respond when needed.

It is fine to be a person's comfort zone,

maybe this is what I was supposed to be in this life.

I started to remind myself to stop living in the bubble of hopes,

and live the real life out there.

And I told myself to slowly stop chasing after the butterfly that has flew further and further away.

It's time to stop chasing after butterflies,

and enjoy the view.

It hurts to see the butterfly you once loved so much flew away and out of sight,

but if it's meant to be, it will come back.

If it's not, there would be another one,

and another one.

You just have to sit, take a deep breath, and always look up.

Jenny~

Like a butterfly

Like a butterfly,
you started to show your most beautiful wings,
you started to dance around the rays of sunlight,
proud of being a gorgeous sight.

I looked at you,
I stared in awe at your beauty.
I thought I could keep you,
but like a butterfly,
you started to fly.

Fly further and further away,
further away from me,
who could only stay at ground,
watching your wings fluttering,
as you carried yourself away from me.

I looked at you,
I stared at you,
at how you were so happy,
seeing the ones alike with you,
and without a second thought,
you started to fly.

Fly further and further away,
further away from me,
who could only stay at ground,
watching you fly away with them,
as you carried yourself away from me.

And now I am here,
left all alone,
without your presence.
Like a butterfly,
you flew away from me.
And like a human with the most fragile heart,
I broke into pieces,
while contemplating,
to wait for your return,
or to seek for other beauty in life.

Jenny~