Tuesday, November 14, 2017 0 comments

At the end of the day

I realised that I didn't update my blog and wrote about, 11.11.
I guess, slowly 11.11 doesn't bring much significance to me except for the online sales,
which I actually bought myself a bundle of lipsticks as a self-reward.

Well, somehow, I started to get used to being back to my own world,
a world where I go out on my own,
less texting and anticipating,
more sleeping and resting.
As I reflected back to the things that I have went through,
all the sadness and frustrations,
I realised that I was the one whose bringing all the negative thoughts to myself.
I realised that I didn't surround myself with happy thoughts,
and has been putting myself into depressing thoughts almost all the time.

When I looked back at all my pictures,
I kept admiring at how beautiful I was in the pictures,
how happy I was smiling in the pictures,
and wondered why am I making myself sad at all time,
when I looked the prettiest when I smiled.

When I talked to people around me,
be it, my friends, colleagues or even strangers,
I kept thinking to myself that I am indeed a good speaker,
and wondered why am I hiding away this potential,
when I looked the most confident when I speak.

When I spent time with my friends and family,
be it, my best friends, colleagues or even my own family members,
I kept thinking to myself, why do I feel most comfortable being surrounded by them?
Is it the relationship that I wanted,
or is it because I just want to find someone to talk to in real life?

At the end of the day,
I realised that, it's never the status of being someone's girlfriend or wife that I seek for,
but for a person who could spent his/her time just for me.
Someone to talk to without having any limitations,
Someone who could make me feel the most comfortable no matter where we are,
Someone who could make my night feels better after a conversation.

And I am thankful to the stranger who entered my dream last night,
who gave me the sense of warmth that I haven't felt for a while.
And as I woke up and the stranger slowly disappeared from my dream,
the same applies to the people in my life.
There will be a point when people slowly walked out of my life,
and it's fine.
Because every ending is always a new beginning to something.

Jenny~
Thursday, October 19, 2017 0 comments

Unknown to her

She stood there,
watching him staring back at her,
with smiles and warmth.
Unknown to her that he is her strength.

She sat there,
beside him, 
watching him speak with warmth,
creating little laughs in between of all the chatters.
Unknown to her that he is her source of happiness.

She walked,
beside him,
watching how he takes care of every step that she took,
creating a sense of security no matter where she took the step.
Unknown to her that he is her security.

She slipped,
and he was there,
always putting his hands out to hold her,
and catching her at the times she felt like she is tumbling.
Unknown to her that he is her net.

She stared,
at him putting his best skills on each and everything,
watching how he made every single moment perfect,
and making her feel that this is it,
Unknown to her that he was the man she has always prayed for.

She thought she wanted him all by himself.
But she knew that he was too good for her.
She took another glimpse at him,
and told her little heart,
to never forget about this man,
who once touched her heart,
broke her bank of tears.

He is the one,
that she could only hold on to in her memory,
but not in real life.

Jenny~


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A little trip

Few days ago, I planned a trip with my best friend, her fiance and my friend to KK.
The original plan was to go down the memory lane by re-visiting our old campus,
and spending time together around the places in Sabah.
I was really nervous and excited for this trip,
as I did not see my best friend for a year,
and I was also nervous on how to interact with my friend during that four days.

On the first day, when we touched down at KK,
the weather was terrible.
But I spent a great time with my friends,
as we went eating, talking, walking around and just spending time together.
Sharing and talking bout things that would never stopped making me laugh and smile.
As second day approached, the weather got worst,
and I experienced strong wind and endless downpour throughout the trip.
But like what he told me, "if it rains, then we shall dance in it."

And we did.
We spent a lot of time,
talking, creating new memories and sharing our feelings as well as experiences.
Third day was disappointing as I didn't get to go to Keningau due to the terrible weather.
But it was in the midst of disappointment, arises encouragement and support,
that make me feel less terrible.
And the last day, which was today actually,
I felt a little sad as I did not get to say goodbye to my best friend before she left for her flight,
and having to go in our own separate ways like before.

At the end of the trip,
I learnt a lot about myself and my own feelings.
And I can say that,
I will miss that trip a lot.
The laughter, endless chattering, funny jokes,
the smiles, warmth, laughter,
and most important, the people in this trip.
It was a great time for me,
and I hope that we could do this again next time.

Jenny~
Sunday, October 15, 2017 0 comments

October

Time flies so fast,
and it's finally October.
To be exact, middle of October.

This year has been filled with a lot of ups and downs for me,
a year that is difficult,
a year where I shed the most tears,
a year that I was stuck in the darkest moments,
without anyone to pull me through but myself.

This year was also a year where for the first time,
I felt lost.
Totally lost and not knowing which direction to go to.
A year where everything was tumbling down,
and for the first time, I ended up in a counseling room,
trying to find a solution.

But everything happens for a reason.
A stronger reason to pull me back to my roots.
A reason where despite all the setbacks,
rays of lights enter my life in the most unexpected manners.
Hanging out with my ex-classmates,
telling them and sharing with them,
Re-connecting back with my close colleagues,
and the pursuit of searching myself back has finally begun.

Everyone that meets me tells me the same thing,
not to be stressed out,
to love myself more,
and to talk positive to myself.
Everyone tells me that this is something that I need to go through,
to grow out from it,
and to teach me important lessons.

And yes, I learnt a lot.
And I will share it in my reflection post that I usually will post at the end of the year.
Till then,
let's go through the remaining 2017!

Jenny~
Saturday, October 7, 2017 0 comments

Turning point

Tonight's post is going to be a little different from the usual posts that I have always been writing.
If you do notice, I mostly talk about relationships, friendships as well as at times, my perspectives of life.
But today, I am going to talk about my health.

Few months ago, I discovered a bump under my tongue.
It was a hard bump and I can't see the existence of the bump with a mirror,
but I can always feel it with my finger and tongue.
Since it was painless, I didn't really think about it and treated it as something that's going to temporary.
After almost 5-6 months, I started to feel scared since the bump is still there,
and going through all kinds of articles in the Internet,
it somehow made me thought about it a lot, and I went and see the first doctor.
She told me that it was just a tongue-tie due to excessive talking,
and that, it's something normal.
She prescribed a tube of ointment for me to apply on it,
and she told me it will go away within weeks.

So, I trusted her and do so,
however, it's still there.
And finally, I braced myself to go to a specialist.
She did a thorough checkup and when she told me to immediately to go for CT scan,
I was speechless.
My brain was empty and filled with worries, though I tried to stay positive in front of my parents.
The specialist told me to go for CT scan to confirm whether it's either a cyst or a tumour,
and if it's really one of those two, I have to go through a surgery to remove it,
and further treatments.
We did not wait and immediately head to the hospital to register for a CT scan.
The next day, I got ready to go for it,
got injections and lied down on the bed.

During the procedure, there were a lot of things that went into my mind.
The first thing that crossed my mind was my family,
what if they have bear my medication cost?
Will they have enough money for my sister whose still studying?
And my mom, whose going to be extremely worried if something really bad happened.
The next thing was myself.
I started to realise that there were so many things that I haven't done yet.
I haven't started my Masters,
I haven't started to travel and go out to see the world,
I haven't achieved enough in my life,
and for once, relationships did not cross in my mind.

After the CT scan was over, I waited for the report and headed back to the specialist for the result.
I kept telling myself that whatever it is, it can be cured,
and I should keep myself positive.
The result was out and it was a normal bump,
not a cyst and not a tumour,
and I do not need any treatments or operations.
I was relieved and couldn't stop thanking God for this.

Therefore, to end this post,
with this one moment where my life could have ended in the brink of darkness,
I finally realised that what matters the most to me was never relationship,
it is my family and my own needs.
This is indeed the turning point,
the moment of realisation that I really needed to wake myself up.
Time to move on.

Jenny~
Sunday, October 1, 2017 0 comments

Sick

Sometimes, I wondered where I can find someone like me,
someone who would go all their ways in caring for another person,
someone who would constantly asking me if I am okay if I get sick,
someone who would always trying to find ways to make me feel better,
in terms of food, medicine or just there for me.

I remembered the younger of me who whenever got sick would always wish the same old thing,
to have someone to care for me and to be there for me whenever I needed him,
to have someone to comfort me at my worst,
and I kept telling myself that I would be able to find someone like that soon.
Well, guess what, I didn't.
Instead, I am the silly one who always care for people who got sick,
went all my ways just to comfort them or to make sure they are okay,
texting them constantly, first thing in the morning, wondering if they felt better or not.
Thinking that, doing all this would make them feel touched,
and that I would be treated the same as well.

But guess what again?
It doesn't always happen that way.
Sometimes being nice doesn't always get paid back.
Some people just remembered you when they needed you,
and when they are well, healthy, happy, found someone else, something else,
the good people like me are sidelined.
I told myself to not care,
to stop being so nice to people,
to stop worrying about other people,
because at the end of the day, they will just suck up all the goodness you did,
and left you with the bitterness.

And today, I got sick.
At the moment where I needed comfort, I could turn to no one.
At the moment where I felt the worst, I could tell to no one.
At the moment where I am at my downside, I could show it to no one.
At the end of the day, there's only me to keep myself strong.
Only me

Jenny~
Sunday, September 17, 2017 0 comments

Wedding bells.

The first thing that I do every morning or after work is to log in into my Facebook,
to check up my news feeds and eventually,
news of weddings and engagements started to flood my page.
I remembered how I felt when I saw my seniors, juniors, classmates, batchmates and ex-school mates are getting hitched, one by one.
I remembered how I felt so happy and envious,
and always dreaming to be one of them, one day.

I wasn't desperate, I thought.
But I was actually really desperate.
Desperate to find someone and get married like what I saw in my Facebook,
I wanted to experience how does it feel spending my whole lifetime with the man I love,
and that chooses me to spend the eternity with.
I also wanted to update my Facebook and Instagram with my pre-wedding photos, and make other people envy and shocked seeing it.
Childish, isn't it?
Whatever other people have, I want it.
And that also includes being in a relationship and getting married.

However, those feelings started to diminish,
and I started to feel bitter and helpless when I see more wedding news coming up,
especially when it was my own classmates as well as my best friends.
I started to feel isolated when one by one, my classmates have already found their other half,
when they got engaged,
and when they got married, and I was there to witness it.

I started to blame my fate,
I started to tell myself that it's over,
I would not be able to attain that happiness,
No one is gonna fall in love with me, and no one is going to choose me,
I started telling myself all these negative things,
and felt depressed when things are falling apart in terms of my own relationship.
But this is the turning point that I needed.
I started to go to the places where I used to go with people, on my own.
I started to go back to my old routine,
eating at a cafe or restaurant on my own and just enjoying the feeling.
Setting up goals to go / do things that I used to do with someone, on my own,
and remind myself that,
before him, there was me.

And it is true.
Before someone else could love, you gotta love yourself.
And though at times I forgot all about it,
I am lucky that reminders are everywhere and though unintentional,
it put a reminder there for me.
Though I am still not off the market yet,
it doesn't mean I am not valuable enough to be off.
It takes the right person to see the value in me,
and get me off the market when the timing comes.
To that person, I patiently await for your arrival.
May you arrive at the time when you're ready,
and I'm already at my best.

Jenny.
 
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