Sunday, September 17, 2017 0 comments

Wedding bells.

The first thing that I do every morning or after work is to log in into my Facebook,
to check up my news feeds and eventually,
news of weddings and engagements started to flood my page.
I remembered how I felt when I saw my seniors, juniors, classmates, batchmates and ex-school mates are getting hitched, one by one.
I remembered how I felt so happy and envious,
and always dreaming to be one of them, one day.

I wasn't desperate, I thought.
But I was actually really desperate.
Desperate to find someone and get married like what I saw in my Facebook,
I wanted to experience how does it feel spending my whole lifetime with the man I love,
and that chooses me to spend the eternity with.
I also wanted to update my Facebook and Instagram with my pre-wedding photos, and make other people envy and shocked seeing it.
Childish, isn't it?
Whatever other people have, I want it.
And that also includes being in a relationship and getting married.

However, those feelings started to diminish,
and I started to feel bitter and helpless when I see more wedding news coming up,
especially when it was my own classmates as well as my best friends.
I started to feel isolated when one by one, my classmates have already found their other half,
when they got engaged,
and when they got married, and I was there to witness it.

I started to blame my fate,
I started to tell myself that it's over,
I would not be able to attain that happiness,
No one is gonna fall in love with me, and no one is going to choose me,
I started telling myself all these negative things,
and felt depressed when things are falling apart in terms of my own relationship.
But this is the turning point that I needed.
I started to go to the places where I used to go with people, on my own.
I started to go back to my old routine,
eating at a cafe or restaurant on my own and just enjoying the feeling.
Setting up goals to go / do things that I used to do with someone, on my own,
and remind myself that,
before him, there was me.

And it is true.
Before someone else could love, you gotta love yourself.
And though at times I forgot all about it,
I am lucky that reminders are everywhere and though unintentional,
it put a reminder there for me.
Though I am still not off the market yet,
it doesn't mean I am not valuable enough to be off.
It takes the right person to see the value in me,
and get me off the market when the timing comes.
To that person, I patiently await for your arrival.
May you arrive at the time when you're ready,
and I'm already at my best.

Jenny.
Wednesday, September 6, 2017 0 comments

Rainy days

As she sat next her window,
she looked at the rain droplets,
racing with one another to be the faster one to reach the bottom.

She started to think about how much time has passed her since she entered her new carriage,
to her astonishment,
the smell of the carriage,
the window,
the books,
the cup of latte,
all looks similar to the old carriage that she was in last time.

She smiled at her own foolishness.
There are things that will always remain the same no matter how much you try to leave and start anew.
Why?
They say, memories stay.
They stay around us and will not be forgotten.
Each time she walked to her carriage,
it reminded her of someone.
Each time she sipped her cup of latte,
it reminded her of a conversation.
Each time she picked up a book,
it reminded her of that night.
Each time she leaned next to the window and stared outside,
it reminded her of who she has always been waiting of.

The train might be new,
the journey ahead might be something unpredictable,
but she herself knows,
that regardless of what train she is taking,
or what journey she is embarking,
she would never be able to feel new,
because no matter how she wants to leave those old suitcases and books,
she knows she would turned around and picked it.

She continued to stare at those grey clouds,
and closed her eyes,
"It will pass, someday."

Jenny~
Saturday, August 19, 2017 0 comments

Songs

I remembered reading a short post about how songs can remind us of our feelings.
They say, instead of taking pictures during our vacation or trips,
listen to one particular playlist or song will remind us of the memories created.
I doubted it at first,
but right now, I think it started to take its effect.

I remembered during my post-breakup moments,
I have been playing one song on repeat,
and now, when I listened back to the song,
it reminded me of how broken I was last time.

I remembered in the beginning of the year where I was really down,
where everything starting from my career to my friendship and relationship was off,
I was listening to the ost for a Korean drama repeatedly,
and everytime right now, 
listening back to those songs reminded me of how down I was at that moment,
where everyday, I would wrap myself in a blanket and drowned myself with tears.

And now, I started to avoid from listening to any songs during my bad times,
I dont want to etch a lasting memory of those sadness in a song,
instead I want to create happy memories with the songs that I listened.
Feelings as well as memories are also like songs,
sometimes when we think we have it all forgotten,
one little incident or event or even a song,
will bring back all those memories and feelings to the reality.

And it is really up to us to face it and move on,
or stay in it and drown ourselves.
Yes, it is indeed easier said than done,
but there are times when I am really down,
I would think to myself,
how long do I want to be in this condition?
Looking at how easily one can be gone,
it made me appreciate of my time and life.
And I shouldn't waste it by crying over things that I have no control in.

Stand back up, Jen.
You have ample of time ahead,
and you don't know when will it end.
Be strong, do what you can do now,
and be happy when you still can.

Jenny~
Monday, August 14, 2017 0 comments

La Vie En Rose

Tonight,
she sat near to her window,
and watched as the clouds started to cover the sky,
and all the stars were engulfed by the dark clouds.

She sat there and pondered,
when she heard someone playing with her ukulele.
And the lady started to sing a song that was so familiar to her.
She started to hum the tune of it,
and wrapped in her blanket,
she started to imagine.

She imagined meeting the man of her dream,
and walking down the aisle with him,
hand in hand with her white gown,
and a bouquet of fresh roses.
She will look amazing,
and while smiling,
she will look up to him,
and will tell him,
that she has never expected this day to finally come.

And on the wedding night,
the same tune will be played,
and that will be their first wedding dance.
As she slowly return back to reality,
she smiled to herself.
Though at times she felt like giving up,
and not wanting to continue to dream anymore,
there is some pieces of her who still hold on to this dream strong.

As the music started to slow down,
she placed her head on the table,
and started to hum again.

"La Vie En Rose"
Jenny.
Saturday, August 12, 2017 0 comments

Wish to skip.

People tell,
People say,
enjoy the current moment,
enjoy the current life,
because we never know where will the next moment will take us.

People tell,
people say,
enjoy the current company,
laugh the most with the people around us now,
because we never know where will they be in the next moment.

People tell, 
People say, 
live life to the fullest,
do what you want right now,
because we never know if we will still be given the same chance in the next moment.

But sometimes,
just sometimes,
I wish I have a fast forward button,
and fast forward this life,
just to see what could be my ending.

Would I be happily engaged or married with a man,
who is also my best friend,
and building up my own family?
Or would I be pursuing a higher level in my career,
and receiving recognition from the people above,
for my accomplishment in whatever I am doing?
Or am I still going to be stuck in this mundane routine,
teaching and going back home,
sitting in front of the laptop like right now,
writing and writing endlessly?

I wish I can see what is written for me in the future,
but knowing that I can't,
I choose to continuosly be patient,
and make the right choices.
Maybe the choices that I make will determine the true path for my future.

Listen,
See,
Choose,
Pray. 

Jenny~
Saturday, July 29, 2017 0 comments

Stop Hiding

Stop hiding.
Sometimes, I hate myself for allowing my feelings overpower my whole thinking.
In these few years,
I have been doing reflections on myself,
my feelings as well as how I am leading my daily life.

I realised that I have allowed my feelings to conquer my thinking almost daily.
I also realised that I became an extreme person,
who takes extreme measures.
My mood swings are terrible where I can be happy and laughing,
and then, sad and crying for no apparent reason.
I think in extreme measures,
whereby it's either I can start building up my imagination of a future with a man who I just met,
or I can already imagine the worse happenings when a person left my side.
There seems to be no "middle" for a person like me.

At times,
I thought to myself,
why do I overthink so much?
What am I so insecure?
Why do i feel a great grief and sadness everytime a person leaves my side?
Why can't I accept that things happen for a reason, and I am the only reason of all these overthinking?
There are times I wish I could just stop thinking,
stop feeling,
and just stop.
There are times I wish I could lock myself up in a room,
where I don't meet with anyone,
and don't get attached.

But at the end of the day,
what has been holding me down is not him or her,
it has always been me.
When I talked to my counselor,
or seek answers from God,
I find that the answers have always been around me.
That I am the one who has been tormenting myself with unrealistic thoughts,
making things so difficult when it has already been difficult.
Always clinging to something that I always say I could let go,
but in the end, I couldn't.
Always trying to rush into things especially relationships,
and then building up unrealistic thoughts and expectations,
when everything was just budding,
and eventually blaming myself when things didn't work out like how I have imagined it to be.

It's difficult being me.
I used to wish that I would be able to meet the one who could accept me in this package,
but I myself couldn't even accept myself,
what more to say if it's someone else?
I always tell myself to change,
to be stronger,
but hiding behind these so-called-stronger-version-of-me while inside, I am hurting and struggling.
Therefore, it's time to accept the fact that I am weak,
that I need help,
and that, it's okay to just cry it out when I need to.
Because no matter how great a storm is,
there will come a day when the sun will come out.

Jenny.
Thursday, July 27, 2017 0 comments

The letter

As she was busy writing in her journal,
a postman came by,
and passed her two letters.
Both were from her most important people.
She opened the first one and was delighted,
that her friend has finally achieved what she had always dreamt of.
Receiving the marriage announcement from her friend,
made her smile and feeling happy to finally witness,
a good event.

She then opened the second letter.
Her hands started to tremble,
tears started to roll down without her noticing,
and she couldn't believe what she has seen.
Another important person to her might be leaving,
and won't be around for a long time.
Suddenly, her heart shattered.
She never know what to expect from this letter,
a disastrous event.

For a while,
she looked outside her window,
clutching both letters tightly,
thinking to herself,
why two most important persons in her life,
are going to leave her alone?
One to pursue her happiness,
and another to walk away in sickness.
She started to bawl and couldn't stop herself from crying.

Until she started to walk towards a small room in the train.
She looked up and kept on telling Him,
to give her strength,
to keep him safe,
to not take away people around her so soon,
and allow her to put all her burden onto Him.

She suddenly felt an inner peace.
She felt lighter.
and she walked back to her carriage.
As she was walking back,
she kept telling herself to be strong.
Everything happens for a reason.
And she can't do anything but to accept it with a strong heart.
She tells herself that she is not the only one whose going through this,
and she will make it at the end of the day.

She wiped away her tears,
and continue to look outside her carriage,
and closed her eyes,
and felt the peace that has been given to her by Him.

Jenny~
 
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