Sunday, July 16, 2017 0 comments

Don't

"Don't say sorry,
Don't say you will make it up to me,
It all sounds so familiar,
with the one who said the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.

Don't make me feel happy,
Don't make things that will spark the tiniest hope in me,
It all sounds so familiar,
with the one who did the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.

Don't make me feel important,
Don't make me even feel that I have the slightest position in your life,
It all feels so familiar,
with the one who did the same thing to me,
and eventually,
left.

Don't.
Coz right now, I start to,
build walls around me,
and I'm slowly pushing you away."

She placed her pen down,
and stared outside,
outside the cold,
with raindrops fighting with one another to reach the end point.

Jenny~
Saturday, July 8, 2017 0 comments

Like a butterfly

Like a butterfly,
trying to spread my wings up high,

Like a butterfly,
Trapped in a glass of jar.
Trapped in a safe and comfortable place,
but unable to fly out and witness the beauty,
unable to feel the danger and learn to survive on its own,
unable to make own decisions to either fly or stay.

Flying up and down,
trying to find own freedom,
trying to fight against the big glass of jar,
but only could hear the sounds,
sounds of people,
telling it that, it's for its own good.
that the world out there is dangerous,
that staying in the glass jar is safe,
that all it will get from flying out,
is a waste of time, energy and resources.

It could only listen and fight quietly,
it could only listen and follow the order,
waiting for another person to open that jar?
the butterfly has given up all its hopes on that.
It could only hope that one day,
it could fight again and make its way out of the glass jar.
Make its way out into the "dangerous yet beautiful" world out there,
and be itself.
To fly and experience all the experiences it should have experienced in the first place.

Keep the faith, dear butterfly.
You will one day leave this glass of jar,
and fly up high.
Just keep holding on,
dear butterfly,
dear me.

Jenny~
Saturday, July 1, 2017 0 comments

She once told me

She once told me,
to go out and meet people,
mix and mingle until I find the right one.

She once told me,
to find a man whose not only emotionally available but also, financially ready,
and that, I deserve a better life.

She once told me,
to find a man who can pamper with luxuries and the things I want,
and to feel complete with his love and materials.

She once told me,
to never give up,
and continue to pursue in my search.

After she got married,
she told me,
to continuously pray for the right man to appear,
that unexpected course will happen at the most unexpected time.

And she asked me,
3 questions.
And told me to go and search,
for the man that answers that 3 questions.

And I realised,
how foolish am I,
for always giving my time,
putting things in my priority list,
when I was never a priority.

How stuck I am in my fantasy world,
that if I just stay being myself,
someone would come along and accept me as I am.

How stuck I am in my dreamy world,
that unexpected would happen in a blink,
when I was not even doing anything.

And how stuck I am in my own imagination,
that giving all of me,
has never been sufficient to someone who never sees me as a whole.

It's time to change.
It's time to take the lest traveled road.
It's time to pack up and leave.
It's time for the next phase.

Jenny~
Sunday, June 25, 2017 0 comments

At the new train

As she went up to her carriage,
she could smell the freshness of the carriage,
the untouched seat,
and the table which has been wiped clean.
She sat and placed a vase of flowers on her table,
while sorting out her favourite books in front of her.

As she awaits for her carriage to leave,
she saw a couple with a little boy.
They were arguing and could be heard from her carriage,
The wife was accusing the husband for having an affair,
and angrily asked the husband if he has ever cared about the family,
about her son,
and about her.
The husband retaliated,
and asked her if she ever cared about him.

And as she sat back properly at her carriage,
she started to take out her pen and her notebook.
She started to write about her feelings,
and one of it was,
"Humans are the most complex being,
they could love another person like it's their most precious lives,
but they could also hurt another person as much as they love them.
Humans are the most complex being,
they love to find the rarest, prettiest and most gorgeous item in the world,
but fails to appreciate.
When it disappears,
then they will be filled with regrets and remorse,
and wanting to go back to the first place.
Humans."

And she looked outside her window,
thinking of how fortunate she is,
that she is still waiting for the right person,
and not being the one going through the similar thing.
She finally realises that,
everything she is going through has a reason.

Jenny~
0 comments

Airport

Today, I went to the airport to fetch my sister.
While sitting and waiting for her,
I looked around.
I looked and observed the people in the airport.
Some of them were in pairs,
Some of them were with their families,
Some were with their friends,
and there were also some who came on their own.

Looking at those people,
and looking at their expressions,
make me realise that,
the airport is like a container of feelings.
A container that is filled with different kinds of feelings.
When I was a teenage,
I always envy the people who goes out and travel,
since I thought they would be the happiest when they are able to do so.

But now,
I realised that,
travelling is not always for a happy purpose,
there are people who goes out to heal their wounds.
That's why I was able to see a mixture of feelings in the airport.
Airport is not only the place for the happiest couple,
but it is also the place for the heartbroken.

Jenny~
Tuesday, June 20, 2017 0 comments

Lucky

You know how people always tell me how lucky am I?
How lucky of me getting into a primary school and being taught by Filipinos teachers,
that has helped me build a strong foundation in my fluency.
How lucky of me getting into secondary school in Miri and entering the class even though I am the youngest amongst all the students in it because of my year of birth.
How lucky of me of getting good results in PMR even though I only started studying in that school when I was Form 2.
How lucky of me of getting good results in SPM despite my difficulties in comprehending Physics and Additional Mathematics,
and how lucky I am to be able to enter into teaching field despite being rejected from matriculation, JPA scholarship and public universities,

Entering into teaching field was a dream that came true for me,
and I was blessed with the luck of going after my dream.
When I knew where I was going,
I was able to say that I am lucky to  be given the chance to go to Sabah to pursue my dream.
Lucky enough to meet with awesome and sporting lecturers that taught me a lot about life,
lucky to meet with wonderful friends that have been there for me through thick and thin,
and still connecting with them all this while though not as frequent as last time.

After leaving the college,
I was lucky again for being posted to a place that was my home.
Lucky to be in a school with lovely colleagues,
with plenty of opportunities to upgrade myself and to show what I have,
and chances to learn new things.
After all this, I should be grateful, shouldn't I?
I am grateful for the luck that have bestowed on me.
I am indeed thankful for being able to sail smoothly in this one part of life.

But when it comes to relationship,
I find myself out of luck.
I think I have told the story millions of time in my previous posts,
and I thought it might change once I get posted out.
But it seems that it is still the same.
When I thought I was lucky to meet one,
I wasn't.
It still goes back to the same old story.

Just for once, I wish that some of the old luck will spread in my relationship as well.
I wish that someone will look at me,
and say that he has finally found me after all this while.
I wish that someone will pursue me relentlessly,
offering their shoulder and companion to me at all times,
constantly reassuring me that everything will be okay,
and look into my eyes,
telling me not to worry because he will be there to catch me when I fall.
Doing all the things that I have been doing,
and giving back the feelings the I have been giving out,
and finally make me feel wanted
and needed.

Jenny~
Thursday, June 15, 2017 0 comments

On her first journey

After walking to her new platform,
she sat and waited for her train.
As she was waiting,
she thought back about what have happened recently,
and how she had changed,
bit by bit.

She remembered how she would always remember,
remember all the nice things as well as the hurtful things that occur to her,
making herself feel miserable and sad.
And now, she tried to forget things,
and only remember the good ones.

She remembered how she would always go from carriage to carriage,
trying to find leads and information,
that would cause her more pain than happiness.
And now, she stopped herself from doing so by changing platform,
and tried to know lesser and lesser.

She remembered how envious and jealous is she seeing other people,
or hearing people talking about others,
and how she often overthink everything,
and causes things to get even worse.
And now, she stopped herself from feeling jealous,
she feeds herself with good impressions,
and she stopped thinking about how things could or could have not been.

She started to realise that,
expectations are the killing factors in her life,
and when she started to least expect,
she feels the happiest.
And now, she is happy.
Happy with her current life, career and friendship.
Though there are times she does feel down,
but she reminded herself,
that things happen in such a way,
because it has meant to happen in that way.

Jenny~
 
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