Saturday, May 19, 2018 0 comments

Airport

We had a short holidays for this week as the state declared two days off as public holidays,
which were deemed unnecessary,
but it was because of this, I was able to have a nice bonding time with my best friend.
When I went and picked her up at the airport,
I was super excited as I was able to spend three days with her,
without the presence of her husband.

Those three days were filled with lots of laughter,
reminiscing the olden days,
as well as going for unplanned drive and getting massages.
I had a lot of fun just by hanging out with her,
talking to her and just spending time with her.
It has been quite a while not doing stuffs like this,
ever since IPG time.

And today, I was also in charge of sending her off to the airport.
Seeing her back as she turned away and heading to the boarding hall before bidding farewell actually breaks my heart bit by bit.
And I realised that the airport is the place where we can find both happiness and sadness at the same time.
Happiness as we embark on a new journey,
to a new destination,
with people we love and love us.
Sadness as we watched the backs of our loved ones,
turning away from us and heading to a new destination,
while we carry on our lives without the presence of our loved ones.

It was indeed a heartbreaking moment when I started to tear up in the airport,
and I kept on telling myself not to break down in the airport.
I walked to my car,
closed the door,
put on my seatbelt,
and cried the whole journey back to my own place.

Changes haven't been something easy to me.
And watching someone's back turned away from me,
leaving me at my old place,
while I'm all alone standing there,
is heartbreaking.
I always thought I would be able to endure this kind of situation,
but I realised that I am not as strong and resilient as I thought I would be.

Be strong, little heart.
More to come soon.

Jenny~
Thursday, May 17, 2018 0 comments

Swept with emotions

She stood under a bus stop.
Waiting for the next bus to carry her to the next destination.
Past few days, she has been experiencing too much emotions,
too much sadness that was self-inflicted,
too much of thinking over things that she can't control.

She looked at herself in the mirror,
scolding herself for forgetting why came down from the train,
forgetting the reason why she has came into this small town,
forgetting that without him, she should continue on her journey.

The thoughts of him made her happy,
as well as caused pain to her,
and eventually, she decided.
Decided to pack up,
and move to the next town.
But deep inside,
she knew that no matter where she goes,
she will always be bringing her emotional luggage,
as she couldn't let it go.

She thought she had let it go,
but she didn't.
She thought she is strong enough,
but she isn't.
She thought she could continue this journey by herself,
before realising that,
she was barely making it.

Be strong.
Let go when it's too painful to hold on.
Cry out loud and embrace the pain.
Let the pain reminds you of the lessons learnt,
and move on.

Jenny~
Tuesday, May 1, 2018 0 comments

Where?

Where is the old you?
Where is the old you that puts marriage at the very first element in life?
Where is the you that always wants to be in love,
and always find yourself dreaming of wearing that white gown,
walking down the aisle to the man you have been wishing for,
and say the magical words, "I do"?
Where is the you that have always dreamed of having kids,
and having a blissful family?
and where is the you who have always been so open and happy,
when it comes to talking about wedding?

You have turned into someone that you have never imagined to be in your young life.
You have turned into someone who doesn't accept the idea of wedding as your happy ending,
You have turned into someone cold,
who thinks wedding is a waste of money.
You have turned into someone who can't stop working,
because work is the only way for you to escape from thinking.
You have turned into someone who only thinks of finding someone to go travel with,
and no longer trying to find someone to settle down.
You have turned into someone who doesn't dream of getting married anymore,
because deep inside, 
you know you have given hope in this superficial love.

You have already given up on that dream,
regardless of how people tell you to never give up.
You have already given up on the dream of meeting someone who you could love and love you back,
regardless of how people ask you to continue to search.
and you have given up on the idea of falling in love,
because right now, your heart is so broken,
that when you think you are mending it,
you aren't.
All you did is just to piece it up together,
and eventually breaking it again.

That's why you were so upset,
you were angry,
you were sad,
and you were crying,
when people talk about how they wouldn't meet their another half if they were in the same part of the journey with you.
Because you know you do not have that dream or wish anymore.

Jenny~
Saturday, April 28, 2018 0 comments

Time

Time is something that everyone is in a love and hate relationship with.
When time passes too slow, we tend to complain and wish time would have pass by us fast,
we want to fast forward our lives just to see what's the ending,
or whether what we have always wanted actually happens,
and that's the main reason why we would seek answers through predictions or fortune telling.

When time passes too fast, we tend to complain and wish time would go slower.
We want to enjoy certain moment and the happiness,
and just don't wish it to end that fast.

As for me, time has been good enough as well as cruel sometimes to me.
Time has shown to me how I have slowly matured,
and not matured in certain aspects.
Over these past 4 years of working,
I realised that time has been a constant challenge for me in many aspects.

In terms of friendship, time has proved as a challenge to this aspect.
My best friends are slowly getting busier with their own lives,
and we don't really find one another and have our heart to heart sharing like last time.
But we are still friends.
And from here, I learnt that,
no matter how the time has passed, friendship is a bond that is unbreakable if we built the right ones.

In terms of career, I realised that I have grown mature over the years.
No longer the timid teacher, I have now turned into a vocal person who speaks out on any dissatisfaction to the higher authorities.
I have started to take in a lot of new challenges, 
and paving new ways in competitions with the aim which is to instill confidence amongst the pupils,
and most importantly, to let people out there know that my school is a good challenger as well.
And from here, I found that, 
I am a workaholic that can't be separated from works, 
and I can only work the best when I have support from my colleagues.

In terms of self development, I realised that time has changed me a lot.
I have grown independent,
and started to pursue what I dreamt of.
I started to pack my belongings and pursue the journey,
and though, I am constantly stopped by my feelings,
I just needed some time to snap back and continue on my journey.
And from here, I found that,
irregardless of how I hated change, change has enveloped my whole being,
and I have indeed a changed person in one way or another.

Last but not least, in terms of relationship, I realised that love doesn't always have to come in pairs.
Love comes in many forms,
and it doesn't have to be flowers or dinner.
It could only be trying to spend the littlest time together,
or even just by lending help at the time when I most needed it.
Love doesn't have to be physically there,
but it could be invisible by just being there to listen,
agree and giving support when I most needed,
Love doesn't necessarily have to be possessed,
it appears at the most unexpected time, and in the most unexpected situation.
And from here, I learnt that,
irregardless of how I wanted, wished, dreamt and hoped for love,
it has always been around me in so many forms,
and it takes me this long to understand,
and to embrace all the loves that have been surrounding me.

Time is beauty.
It will let us see the beauty of life as it ticks,
all we need is to be patient,
and enjoy every ticking moment.

Jenny~
Tuesday, April 24, 2018 0 comments

My go-to

I remembered when I was back in IPG, there were a lot of people that I went to when I needed to confide things with them.
I remembered sharing about my happiness and sadness to a few of my trusted friends,
and they would always either give me advice on how to deal with it,
or they would usually try to cheer me up by taking my mind off from it.

I remembered whenever I needed a talk,
all I need is to either go from room to room to find my friends to talk to,
or just a simple text message to my best friend whose always living next door,
and she would open the door,
and then, there we go, talking endlessly about my issue and hers.
Or, when my roommate and I turned off the lights,
that is when we had our endless conversations under our blankets,
talking about relationship issues and things that we witness amongst our friends.

I guess that's the reason that caused me to unable to move on from the past,
I remembered how badly I cried when it was the very few days left to leave IPG.
And how badly I wanted to go back there to reminisce all the memories left behind,
before turning over a new chapter.
There is always that one part of me that I feel has been left behind in Keningau,
and I can't wait for the next trip to reclaim it back.
It was indeed a pity that we didn't make it Keningau during our Deepavali trip due to the unpredictable weather.
As we all are growing up,
my go-to stations become lesser and lesser.
My roommate whom I always confide when it comes to me dealing with relationship,
is now happily married and is expecting soon.
My best friend whose only one call away,
is now happily being called as a wife.

And the thoughts of having lesser go-to somehow made me feel down.
It isn't easy to find a person who I can talk about almost anything,
without feeling being judged.
And it is not easy to find someone who I can be comfortable in talking about everything.
Therefore, I am lucky if I could find another go-to.
A person who understands my needs and wants,
and always there to lend me his/her ears,
and provide comfort and support when I most needed it.

And I wish I have truly found it.

Jenny~
Saturday, April 21, 2018 0 comments

Inside me

Today, I received a really happy news,
where my best friend will be signing her wedding papers today with her beloved husband.
It is an indeed happy event for her,
as she has finally found the one that she really wanted to get married with,
and spending her whole lifetime with,
and I am really happy for her.

But at the same time,
I am actually feeling a little sad,
as I am still trying to accept the fact that my best friend is no longer going to available for me at all time.
Changes are things that I fear the most,
regardless if it's in my career, relationship or friendship.
When I first knew she is getting married,
I was actually depressed as the one and only person whom I knew would stick by my side,
is finally leaving me for to pursue the next step in her journey.
And when I knew that she has signed her legal papers today,
I am happy that she has achieved this dream of hers,
but at the same time,
I am feeling sad as this is finally,
really happening.

I told myself that things will never remain the same,
never remain constant,
will always flow and changes according to time.
I reminded myself,
not to put high hopes on what is happening now,
as it might changes within seconds or minutes,
and always be ready to embrace the upcoming changes.

Therefore, for my best friend,
I wished you all the loves and happiness in this world as you stepped into a new beginning.
May your marriage with the one you have chosen would end happily ever after,
and may I, too, will be able to meet my happy ending soon.

Jenny~
Wednesday, April 18, 2018 0 comments

Belated

She sat at the cafe,
looking at the slice of the cake in front of her,
and quietly sang a happy birthday song for herself,
while making her wish, 
blew the candle, 
and started to eat the cake.

She was happy at first,
but slowly,
she turned and looked out at the gloomy sky.
Tears started to run down her cheeks,
as she was eating her cake.
She wiped it away and told herself that it's stupid.
It's stupid to cry when she told herself that she should be strong.

She wiped off her tears,
and looked forward.
Suddenly, she saw a familiar face heading to her table,
with a smile,
and asking if he could accompany her for a while.
She nodded and there they sat,
talking and laughing about all the things they talked about.

After a while,
she stood up and they walked together to the door,
and bid farewell to one another.
As she walked forward,
she looked up and smiled,
behind those gloomy skies, there was a ray of light shining upon her face.

Though it was late,
she appreciated the effort,
the time
and the sincerity.

Jenny~
 
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