Towards the end of 2020

 2020 is coming to its end,

and it's time to recap back the resolutions made.

So back in 2019, my resolutions for 2020 was quite general,

and it involves the following:

1. Loving myself more.

2020 was the year where I loved myself more than anything in the sense of being happy without dependent on others.

It was also the year where I decided to remove myself from toxic situations in workplace and just be happy by doing my own stuffs in my career.

It was the year where I was determined to lose weight and eventually succeeded in losing almost 10kg within 6 months through strict diet as well as workouts.

And it was also the year where I decided to purchase my favourite boyband's merchandise instead of only seeing in in the Internet.

This is the year where I have showered myself with love and being happy, truly happy despite suffering from several anxiety and panic attacks due to the current ongoing pandemic scare.

2. To find happiness in whatever that occurs in life.

2020 was the year where I try my best to look at things in a positive view.

Despite the pandemic scare as well as the fear of going out, I find simple happiness at home just by doing house chores.

Despite how disappointing it is to be unable to meet my pupils and only interact through online meet ups, I was still happy to see them being actively involved in the lessons. 

Despite being unable to graduate this year, I am still happy that I have finally done my Masters within the time frame that I have planned for myself.

3. Always anticipate the unknown ventures. 

Honestly, I thought that 2020 would be the year where I would be flying around the country to attend courses and to deliver courses,

but instead, I met the person that unknowingly brighten up my life day by day.

I thought that 2020 would be the year where I would be flying high in my career,

but instead, I met the person that makes me want to slow down in my career for the first time.

I thought that I would be ending 2020 like how previous years were, alone,

but instead, I met the person that celebrated Christmas Eve with me and tried his best to spend time with me through outings and texts.

I never expected this,

but thank God.

Thank God for sending this person into my life despite all the crazy stuffs and pandemic scares happening day by day.

2020 had been a confusing year to all.

A year where I spent the most time at home,

A year where I decided to finally move on and spent some time to build myself up physically and emotionally,

A year where I met him.

May 2021 be a much more wonderful year to all, 

a year where the pandemic would eventually disappear,

and all of us would be back to how we have always been normally.

Jenny~

Thank God for everything.

 Thank God for everything.

Thank God for all His arrangement and his perfect timing.

Thank God that I could meet you again after five years.

I am thankful and grateful that I decided to surrender my relationship to God.

Letting Him to arrange everything and just wait for it to fall into places is the best decision that I have made.

I am thankful that I was selected as the bridesmaid for Phoebe's wedding,

if not, I would not have been so determined to lose weight and to look beautiful that evening.

I am thankful that I didn't give up on my journey of losing weight and working hard to fit in that gorgeous dress,

if not, I would have dressed as how I usually did.

I am thankful that I took the initiative to text you first after meeting you for the rehearsal,

if not, I don't think we would even talk to one another.

I am thankful that I approached you first for our first picture,

if not, I don't think we would have chatted the night away.

And I am thankful for the little things that you did for me and on how you really took care of me,

it makes me feel so warm inside knowing that you are there.

And thank you for spending Christmas Eve with me this year.

You do not know how long have I wished for this to happen.

And it finally did.

Thank you.

and Thank You God for making this wish come true last night.

Happy birthday Jesus and thank you for the wonderful gift that You have bestowed upon me.

Thank you.

Blessed Christmas to all.

May the magic of Christmas be upon all of us,

and that Covid-19 would disappear as soon as possible.

Jenny~

What a coincidence!

What a coincidence!

I didn't expect to meet you again,

I even forgotten about your existence actually,

and that was the reason of me doubting my eyes when I saw you.

Who knew you would appear at my friend's wedding rehearsal as the best man,

and I as the bridesmaid?

And honestly, it felt so refreshing to meet you again,

and the way you reminded me of tuition and the stuffs we talked together,

Gosh, 

it brought me back to those days.

Life is unpredictable indeed.

Who knew we would meet again in a wedding.

And we would be updating each other about respective lives.

What a lovely coincidence.

Jenny

Differences

I remember observing and asking myself,

why do some people change and decided to go on their own ways at a certain point of time?

Why do some people don't remain as close as they were back in those times?

And finally, today, I understood why.

There are times when I'm a little bit annoyed when friends who are married only come to me and complained about their kids,

or their marriage life,

or their other half.

There are times when I wish that they would at least ask about how I'm doing in my life and actually listen to it,

instead of asking for the sake of asking and then throw away all their problems in their married life to me.

There are times when I wish that they would listen to my woes in my life despite not being married,

instead of telling me that it's nothing or just brush it aside because apparently, my woes are not that "important" as theirs.

There are times when I was giving my fullest support to them in their career,

hoping that they are able to do better in it, 

going all out for it, 

unlocking and applying their fullest potentials that I know they had in their career,

but instead of getting motivated, replies such as, family first, I have enough of it,

I wanna do something that would make me happier, comes in.

And it's difficult.

It's difficult when we don't share the same views or perspectives in career,

it makes me feel like I'm talking too much about my career, 

or I'm too proud of my achievements which I am not.

It's difficult when we don't share the same views or perspectives in relationship and marriage,

it makes me feel like I do not have the intention to get married,

or I am too engrossed in my career that I do not want to settle down which I am not.

And because of that, 

I started to slowly change and diverting my path a bit to my way now.

I guess it's time to grow up.

It's time to walk the path on my own now.

Jenny~

Sorry? Okay.

I'm sorry for hurting you.

I'm sorry if I have hurt you.

Both started with the word, "sorry",

but which one comes from the heart?

If you are sorry for what you have done,

you were supposed to say the first one.

But if you think you didn't do anything wrong and merely apologised for what you think was wrong,

then the latter suits you.

Honestly, 

when you said the latter to me,

I thought that this is the right time for me to again remind you on my pain,

the pain of being ghosted,

the pain of holding so much hope and eventually being let down,

the pain of not being recognized in the public despite being so close once upon a time,

and the pain of being left without any apparent reasons. 

But I erased it.

Because I have finally moved on.

There were no resentment when I read the message.

There were no more hurt or pain that I thought I would feel.

I was no longer reminded of the past,

and most importantly, I was able to carry on with my daily routine without being bothered much.

And that's why, I answered, okay.

Okay, I am no longer trapped in the loop of being hurt again and again by my own thoughts.

Okay, I am moving on.

Okay, you are now just an acquaintance that I will only reach to if necessary for career purposes.

We both have our own lives now,

therefore, okay.

I am finally done with this.

I am finally okay.

Jenny~

Get married early!

Get married early!

You are not getting younger!

Your biological clock is ticking!

You are not going to get pregnant easily if you get married late!

Aiya, don't so picky lah! Just find someone and get married lah!

2 more years and you're turning to 30 liao.

When wanna get married??

Sounds familiar?

Well, this is what I have been listening to and argued everyday in my life.

And it saddens me when I came across a post shared in Facebook,

whereby a man was commenting on how women should get married early, 

on how women who is getting older will not be wanted by any men,

on how these women who stayed single will eventually regret when seeing other women having kids at that age,

and on how these women's biological clock is ticking fast,

and on how these women will be called "andartu" or "leftover women" by then.

I was hurt and disappointed reading those comments.

and therefore, I feel like I need to share my views on this matter.

I am not sure if this man who wrote such tweets will ever come across my post, 

but this goes to all those who thought that we, women, decided to stay single because we could.

To those who thought we chose to be single,

we never chose to be one.

I am ready to get married.

I am ready to settle down and build a family now.

But how would I be able to do so if I haven't met the one?

The one.

You might think that I am waiting for the one who looks like my favourite oppa, 

or some rich guys,

or some prince charming to sweep me off my feet,

when all I am waiting for is a man who would love me as much as I love him,

a man who will be my companion during the happiest and the most terrible times in my life,

a man who will grow together with me emotionally and spiritually,

and a man who is ready to accept and embrace me wholeheartedly to start a new journey with.

Is this what you say, too picky?

If it is, then so be it. 

Some would then say, why don't you join more social gatherings?

Join more events, go to clubs, go out more!!!

My answer to them, so what if I go to all these stuffs?

If it is not the time to meet him, I will never meet the right person despite going out every night and meeting with new people.

Previous experience has taught me a lot.

Meeting with someone who I thought was the right person,

and eventually got heartbroken and devastated after being hung up on blue ticks,

am I going to go through such a moment again?

No.

Go chase after that guy!

If you are not proactive, you won't get him!

Guys nowadays are shy! You need to be one step ahead!

I did. And what happen?

I looked like some desperate woman who want to just get married now and have babies tomorrow.

I changed myself for the sake of being liked by him,

and what did I get?

I lost myself.

And thank God, I found myself back and I found my smiles back again.

To be honest, 

I rather stay single than ending up with the wrong person.

I rather be alone than ending up being lonely with the wrong person.

I rather have no ring on my finger than having a ring but feeling miserable of it.

I rather be with no man than being with a man who would create misery and sufferings to me till the end of my life.

I rather stay unmarried than getting divorce with a man who decided he could find someone better than me.

Yes, I want to get married.

Yes, I want to settle down.

Yes, I want to have babies and watch them grow.

Yes, I want to have someone to come home for.

But I will never settle for the less.

If you love me, then seek for me.

Work hard for me and start a new journey with me when you are ready.

Because I am ready,

are you ready?

Jenny~

October

Hi everyone.

It's been quite some time that I have not been updating what I have been doing all this while.

So, let's start.

I have finally received my Surat Tamat Pengajian for my Masters and I am super glad to say that I am currently on my way for my convocation which will be held next year.

Hopefully it will be conducted safely due to the current situation.

Besides that, career wise, a lot have happened and despite the free time that I have been enjoying,

I am proud to inform all of you that I have received my APC (Anugerah Perkhidmatan Cemerlang) last month.

It was an achievement to me and I am glad that all my hard works were appreciated through such incentives.

And all of this wouldn't have happened if my administrators as well as my colleagues were being so supportive and helpful at all times.

Besides that, I have been actively helping out my PK1 in her duties for the sake of knowledge and also participated in an action research campaign organised by the local educational office.

So yeah, career has been smooth sailing and I have been enjoying the free time that was given to me this year right after completing 2 years of hectic double lives as student and a teacher.

Life.

Life is full of surprises.

And one of the surprises is that I have eventually decided to lose weight.

The journey of losing weight started back on July whereby colleagues as well as officers have often mistaken me as a mom with kids due to my body image.

I was low in confidence and barely could fit in my clothes as well as dresses anymore.

And I was determined to shed off those weights.

And now October, I am glad to say that from 72kg, I have managed to reduce to 65kg after maintaining a series of workout routines at home as well as at school during PJ lessons.

I was able to control my diet and reduce my carbs intake during my meals.

Though it was really difficult to say no and there were times where I succumbed to temptation of eating fried food and sweet stuffs, 

all it takes is to workout extra and start dieting the next day again.

And now, I am feeling much more confident with myself and am ready to go out to meet new people right after Covid-19 is over.

Aside from that, I have started my prayer routine at night time.

All thanks to a friend who reached out to me and requested me to join Christeen to grow in faith.

It's been a while but I have always wanted to be involved with church but not knowing how.

And all it takes was a little push and there I was, in my first meeting with the members.

It was fun and despite me not knowing anything there, I had the urge to be involved in the planning for activities in 2021.

I have also tried my best to continue to have conversation with God every night before sleep.

I acknowledge that it's been quite some time of not having a heart to heart conversation with God.

And I hope that it's not too late to start all over again.

Pray for me everyone that I would be able to be strong and maintain my pace in my spiritual growth.

Last but not least, relationships.

Just when I thought that this year could be the year for me to meet new people and maybe strike a new relationship, Covid hits and there you go.

Zero progress in relationships.

But I guess this may be the sign that I should take this time to prepare myself again physically, emotionally and spiritually for any future relationship.

I remember reading an article about prayers seeking for the other half,

and one line strikes a chord in my heart.

It says that God always has a plan for us.

He will always lead our other half to us in the best season and in the best timing.

And all we need to do is continue to pray and believe in His plans,

which is something that I am currently doing right now.

I believe that He is sending my other half to me now,

and all I need to do is to prepare myself and to continue to believe in Him.

I believe that all of the things that I was put into in this life is leading me to him,

and all I need to do is to believe in His best timing.

And that's what I am doing now.

So, I guess that's all the updates that I owe for almost 3 months.

Oh yeah, I also bought a virtual ticket the other day to watch BTS MOTS: One concert,

and it was worth every penny!

And they are currently preparing their new album BE so don't forget to support them as well.

And if there are any ARMY from Malaysia who might read this blog post, can you drop me a comment on how to pre-order their new album as apparently Weverse Shop don't deliver to Malaysia.

Borahae, ARMY!

Forgive me for my fangirling despite being at this age.

This is the only thing that entertains me day by day.

Love,

Jenny~

Hello July.

July.

A new month filled with surprises.

Well, let's start with a not-so-nice surprise.

I texted one of the officers in UKM to ask about the status of my name as in whether or not it's in the list for the upcoming senate meeting.

Apparently, all our names must be in the list for the meeting in which the board will determine whether these names are qualified for graduation next year.

And as confident as I was, I thought that my name is already in the list as I have completed all the requirements that were needed.

And the officer said that my name was not listed in it.

Dumbfounded, I asked her what does she mean by that when I have everything done and submitted before the deadline.

And as usual, I was referred to another officer through email and when I emailed her my condition, the only response I got was,

Noted. Thank you.

What?

So right now, I am keeping my finger-crossed that my name will be eventually processed and submitted in the list before the meeting.

Moving on, school is re-opening in two weeks time for the upper primary and another 2 more weeks for the lower primary.

And somehow, I had mixed feelings about it.

I am excited to meet my pupils back especially those who have been really cooperative and always participating in our google meet session.

However, the idea of meeting those Year 6 boys who apparently ignored my homeworks and left the group created mainly to reach them somehow makes me wish that school is closed for a little while.

But, I am ready to jump back into teaching mode.

Being stuck at home for almost 4 months has given me more than enough rest,

and also made me reconsider my life choices for the future.

So, its time to get back to work and work harder.

Last but not least, I have received a letter of recognition from the educational office.

Apparently, I was selected to receive APC (Anugerah Perkhidmatan Cemerlang or also known as Excellent Service Award) in my school.

And honestly, I am grateful to be chosen as one of the recipients.

But I wish that people would not judge my works as well as my efforts as trying to win this award.

For me, this award actually doesn't mean much to me.

It is just a piece of certificate and monetary incentive to reward the service that I have poured in my career.

And honestly speaking, without the opportunities given by both my previous and current headmasters, 

I would not be able to learn as well as provide my service.

And without the help of my colleagues who have always been helping out from day one I was posted ot that school, I would not be able to reach this far.

Therefore, this award should be shared to all of them as without them, 

I would not be able to show my capabilities and provide my service to the school as well as my pupils.

And that's all for now.

Stay tuned for more updates soon!

Jenny~

BTS. ARMY. 7th Anniversary.

I remember when BTS debuted way back in 2013 and I was in IPG at that time,

with very limited Internet connection in hostel and not knowing Youtube at the time, 

BTS was a name that was not very known by me.

I came across their music video on "Boy In Luv",

and I was mesmerized with their choreography as well as the members.

At that time, my bias was Jin. 

But that's it.

I was then fans of several other Kpop idols and the main reason of liking them was on how they looked.

Fast forward to 2017.

The year where I was struggling to keep myself afloat.

The year where I experienced dark thoughts and painful moments,

The year where my emotional side decided to take a twist,

The year where I cried the most due to insecurity,

and the year where I somehow lost myself to the wild.

I was left with no support, and nearing depression before I snapped out of it.

I remembered seeing counsellor about it,

and tried my best to stay strong while being fragile inside,

and that was when I came across BTS in my recommendation list in Youtube.

I remembered watching their "Fake Love" music video,

and I was mesmerized by the song as well as the music video.

I went and find the translation before realizing that the song clearly reflected what I was going through at that time.

I couldn't stop myself from listening to the song,

and that was when I started to fall in love with this group.

I started to listen to each and every song from their earlier albums,

I read the theories of their songs and was strengthened by each of the lyrics that depict their struggles,

as well as the conflicts that arise in their life.

Until one day, "Epiphany" was released.

I was excited as usual.

But before knowing it, I broke down in tears listening to the song.

Each line hits me hard and eventually helped me to open my eyes.

"I'm the one that I should love."

It was this song that transformed my life.

It was this song that kickstart my journey in life as an Army.

And it was this song that helped me to combat negativity and continuously move on in life.

And the rest is history.

Seeing them in tears make me feel the sadness too.

Seeing them cry on stage at the end of every era made me in tears as well.

BTS has saved me from darkness.

Their songs have pulled me out from pit of darkness and helped me to move on.

Each and every one of them are special and unique in their own ways,

just like me and you.

And their passion as well as their professionalism is something that I admire and respect.

And I want to be like them.

Always love myself, and try to be the light and bring comfort for others.

I wish to go to their concert someday and experience their love to us one day, 

and quietly wish them all the happiness no matter what happen in the future.

Thank you for bringing warmth to us.

Thank you for bringing happiness to us despite all the trials that you have went through and still going through.

Thank you for bringing comfort to us at the times when we need it the most.

Thank you for reminding us to love ourselves first before loving someone else.

Thank you for all the beautiful songs that brought tears to us.

Thank you for not giving up on us today.

Thank you, BTS.

Jenny, an Army(2017 - forever)~

Changing myself for someone?

The other day, a friend of mine was texting me and we talked about how I thought of going further in my career.

I told her my intention of getting a PhD and move forward to IPG for my career,

as I feel that I can go further in my career,

but the worries and anxiety of not being able to find the love of my life if I really go down that path trouble me till today.

That is when she said that why guys can't accept smart women or those who are able to make decisions themselves,

and often go for naive, innocent and weak girls  who submit to them and need their protection at all times.

This caught my attention which I thought of sharing my views on this matter.

I have changed myself for the sake others,

either to be liked by someone or when in a relationship.

I changed into someone who submit fully to them,

who let them make decisions for me,

who was clingy, naive and innocent,

and it backfired.

None of these guys stayed and all left,

and this made me wonder.

Why?

I changed.

I became that type of girl that you liked.

I tried to like the same things that you liked,

and you still left?

Some of my friends said that I should be myself.

Some of them told me to change some of my attributes,

try to be softer and nicer,

and it was frustrating to be someone that I am not.

I couldn't last for 3 days before my real personality comes out.

And it sucks that till today, I couldn't find someone who could accept me for who I am.

Just because I too my Masters and planning on PhD does not mean that I am smarter than you.

Just because I want to advance in my career doesn't mean that I am at the top and you are not qualify in my list.

I always thought that we girls are the most complicated human beings on Earth,

but right now, I think that guys are the worst.

If you have feelings for someone initially, then continue to pursue someone.

Don't pursue someone halfway and realised that you do not have any feelings towards her, 

and then, make her fall in love with you and then, breaking her heart.

It is because of these occurrences that made me stop thinking and pursuing for love and relationship.

I hate playing the push and pull game in love.

I hate being given so much hopes and eventually, ending in nothing.

I hate changing myself for someone else, and eventually, he left at the end of the day.

I hate the fact that advancing my quality of life means that it's over for love and relationship because of these traditional mindsets.

So can you accept me as it is?

Can you accept this woman in her late twenties who is planning to advance her career in 2 years time?

Can you accept this woman who is clingy, insecure and seek to be your only one in life?

Can you accept her for all her physical and emotional attributes that makes you think she is confident but she isn't?

Can you accept this broken soul?

Jenny~ 

Loneliness

When I was in my younger age,

I always thought loneliness refers to not having boyfriend/girlfriend.

The word "loneliness" was always related to being single,

where you obviously have no one to talk to, to share stuffs with,

someone who would be there for you during your ups and downs.

I thought that being single like me is what loneliness means.

But I was wrong.

At the current moment, I am still single and have yet to meet any suitable suitors to imagine myself to be married to.

But almost all my friends are already married or having kids,

and at times, I do envy them but at the same time, feeling relieved that I am not yet like them.

My best friend, who is now a new mom and is into the marriage for almost 3 years,

shared her feelings of being married,

in which she tried to tell her husband about her feelings and what is going through,

to receive a response, "what do you want me to do then?"

I was shocked.

As a husband, your most beloved person is trying to tell you her frustrations,

sharing her problems in exchange of some comfort words from you,

and getting such a response is a no-no.

I was sad for her, to be honest.

But I kept quiet and told her that I am angry for her sake. 

This is not how things should go in a marriage.

You should not come back home and tell someone whom you married for love that you are too tired to hear her troubles,

that you are having a difficult time yourself to manage and having to hear your other half's problems are causing you a headache.

That is what the worst type of loneliness occur to someone.

Someone who was supposed to be held on by their other half, but left hanging on her own while troubled by all kinds of new burdens at home and at work.

And I reflected on myself.

The loneliness that I went through and is still going on is nothing if compared to those who are experiencing loneliness in a relationship and in a marriage.

Not having someone to share my ups and downs doesn't seem so bad if compared to those who are being denied to be listened to.

Not having someone to feel the kind of warmth or love doesn't seem so bad if compared to those who are not experiencing love and warmth despite having their other halves beside them.

Being single and lonely seems to be better than being with someone and yet, lonely.

To those who are experiencing such loneliness,

you are not alone.

Somewhere, someone is experiencing the same thing,

and there will always be someone like me who understands.

and no matter if I know you or not,

I am here for you.

Jenny~

Future plans

Finally, my article has been published in an e-proceeding!

Well, I was supposed to present it in a conference on March,

but due to Covid-19 which causes MCO to be placed for weeks, 

I was unable to do so.

Instead, I was asked to do a recording of my presentation and submitted it online.

And wait.

The waiting part was both anxious and worrying as our names are going to be discussed on August,

in order to determine whether we are qualify or not to graduate by the end of the year.

However, graduation has been postponed to early 2021 due to Covid-19.

And thankfully, I received an email today that informed us that our papers has been published,

and our names have been submitted by our supervisors t e-repository in UKM.

And not, waiting for it to be processed as soon as possible so we can submit our completiion form,

and finally, road to convocation with ease!

So what's in store for the future?

A lot of my colleagues as well as my friends have been pushing me to go further,

to attain PhD as I am already halfway there.

And I have been putting off that idea for the sake of really enjoying my life.

I want to spend some time on myself,

bringing my family and myself to somewhere, and really make good memories together.

I want to work hard in my career,

able to bring knowledge and light to my pupils' lives.

But the longer I stayed at home during MCO and MCOC,

the more I thought about what I really wanted in the future.

And I realised that I do not want to be a primary school teacher for the rest of my life.

I wanted more.

I wanted to go higher and continue to prove my capability to others,

I want to make full use of my ability and make a difference,

a significant difference,

I want to teach people,

in particular, future generations who aspired to be a teacher,

that they are the ones who should go all the way out there to make an impact,

like what I have been taught back in IPG.

I want more.

And I'm not settling for less.

Jenny.

Current update

So, basically, I have been stuck at home for almost 2 months due to the current MCO as well CMCO.

And honestly, being at home for quite some time has been taking tolls on my mental health.

Previously, I had anxiety attacks and sudden pain as well as panic attacks at nights, 

which causes a disturbed sleeping pattern.

I would wake up in the middle of the night,

feeling panic and unable to breathe properly,

and having the fear of falling back to sleep again.

And because of that, I decided to make some changes in my life.

I decided to get engaged with exercise routine.

And I am really glad that I did.

I have been starting slow as I am not an exercise lover,

and it has helped with my anxiety a lot.

I started to sleep better,

less waking up in the middle of the night,

and less panic attacks.

I didn't realise the improvement until I stopped my exercise routine due to period.

And all the anxiety and panic attacks slowly emerge again,

which dawns on me that all the exercise routine is indeed helping me out.

And finger-crossed,

that all the exercise routines that I have been saving will eventually help me to combat my anxiety.

I really hope that it will disappear slowly,

and eventually, enable me to improve the quality of my life.

Besides that, career wise.

I have been using virtual meetings to meet and guide my pupils from time to time,

and have been joining courses with my headmaster and senior assistants.

And honestly, it felt great and honored to be able to join those modules with them,

as the new knowledge that I have gained somehow have changed my perspective on leadership.

Previously, I wanted to stay as a teacher.

Stay in this profession to continuously guide and make impact on the children,

but somehow, as I grow older,

I realised that something must be done in the higher authorities in order to create a ripple effect on the quality of education, 

and somehow, that has pushed my ambition and drive to a higher level.

Maybe its because I am still single and not being in a relationship has caused me to put my passion into my career.

And speaking of relationship,

I somehow have sort of lose a little bit of hope in this aspect.

I do still hope to get married by 30 or eventually.

But I start to slowly imagine myself working and traveling with my family and friends, 

instead of being settled down with a significant person.

I start to imagine bringing my best friend's kids around instead of my own child.

Is it wrong to lose hope on ever settling down?

Is it wrong to slowly lose hope on ever finding the one?

With the smallest hope that I am still holding one, I do hope to meet someone and eventually settle down like everyone does.

I certainly do hope.

Jenny~

Little hope

Words.
There are words that once said, it can give a huge relief and a sense of comfort.
There are words that once said, it can give a huge sadness and a sense of regret.

I have just finished watching another short series on Netflix, "The Victims Game".
I stumbled upon it accidentally while searching for something to keep me occupied when I came across it.
After watching all the 8 episodes in two days, I actually gained new perspectives on lives as well as the impact of people's words on our lives when not taken correctly.

I realised that pain and suffering could cause someone to do drastic actions,
and even having the ability to twist one's thoughts and mindsets into thinking that they are helping,
but in reality, they are actually killing someone through words.

I learn that when someone is already at the verge of self harm,
all they need is a little more hope.
A little more strength from everyone around them,
to push them to go on living.

Choosing to die in order to escape from hurt and pain from the reality might seem to be the easiest option.
But seeing your closest ones and your family break down,
grieves and cry endlessly with regrets of not being able to help,
or to lend a hand to pull you through all those dark thoughts are something that they will carry throughout their times living in this world.

After watching the series,
I realised that there are people around us who we might see as okay or happy from the outside,
these are the people who needs words of comfort,
words of support,
and hope.
They are the ones who might be hiding in those dark corners,
unable to overcome their pain and suffering,
and eventually feeling helpless,
and chose death to free themselves.
These are the people that we need to lend our hands to.
They are the ones who we always tell them to, "be strong", "don't think so much", "you're going to be fine", "you think so much" and "everyone is going through the same thing".
Those are the words that only made them smile,
while thinking that no one would know how much struggles they went through,
how much anxiety, fear, pain as well as their struggles to wake up and go through another day.

The feeling of waking up every morning,
going to work without any feelings,
and heading back home,
crying in darkness,
feeling helpless,
unable to tell anyone what we are facing,
thinking that we can't be helped anymore.
It is truly dark and horrifying being in that position.

And I believe that all of us could do a small part to help one another.
Be there for one another,
Understand what they truly need,
Listen with your heart,
And be at their side while giving strength and support.
All they need is a little more strength and hope to go on living.

Be strong.
We can make it through the darkest time and the darkest place together.
Jen.

Things you shouldn't say.

Things that you shouldn't say to a person who is struggling emotionally inside.

When someone tries to talk to you about their feelings,

you shouldn't tell him/her that he/she is the cause of your headache.

That what he/she is feeling or thinking right now is causing you frustrated.

You should never make it as if its that person's fault for feeling that way or thinking that way.

You do not know the damage that you have done to your other half.

It is not easy trying to be strong emotionally and physically.

We can hit the gym or do all sorts of workouts to make us physically strong,

but it is different when it comes to emotional well being.

You can see someone's wound physically,

but you will never be able to see someone's wound when it is inside their heart.

He/she might be smiling,

but inside, no one knows what kind of monster is being created.

How much fury and frustrations that he/she is feeling,

which would lead to negative thoughts and eventually, self harm.

I knew how it feels,

because I am in it.

No one knows how scary it is when I get anxiety or panic attacks middle of the night.

No one knows how scary it is when I can't even speak out during those attacks.

No one would understand the fear that I am still experiencing from time to time,

and how much I tried to calm myself during those attacks.

It isn't like I could control it,

nor could I defeat it at one go.

All I need is someone who could listen to me,

who could tell me that I am okay,

that I am not sick,

that everything is going to be okay.

Someone who said it not out of impatience,

but because he/she knows how it feels when those attacks are happening.

It takes just a few minutes to sit and listen.

Those few minutes would meant a lot to those including myself who is still in this battle.

Please don't blame or make us feel that we are at fault for feeling such ways.

It was never our decision to develop such feelings and fears.

We are frustrated as well,

and we also want to be free and positive like you.

Lend your ears,

Be at one another's sides during these difficult times,

and assure us that everything is going to be okay.

Everything is going to be okay.

Jen. 

To all the boys/man I loved.

This is an open letter to all the boys/man that I have fallen in and out of love with.
If you are reading this and somehow could feel that it is about you,
then it might be you I am writing for.
Here goes.

To S,
You are the first boy who spoke to me,
and was the nicest person throughout my high school years.
You were the funniest, kindest, smartest and most importantly, most popular of all,
and I was charmed by how nice you were.
I remember the little lunch box you made for me in exchange for mine,
I also remember the dance we had during our trip,
because those were my first-times and I am grateful as well as thankful that we are still friends till now.
Thank you for continuously inspiring me and pushing me to move forward,
Thank you for seeing the talent in me and telling me to pursue towards the right direction.
Though I have fallen out of love long time ago on you,
thank you for still being the nicest friend till today.

To G.
You were the first person that was really nice to me during my early years in training college.
The memories with you were quite blurry by now,
but all I remembered was that you were really sweet to me,
always saying sweet things,
always calling me up and seeing one another from the opposite block,
However, things ended when you seem to not want to recognize me even as a friend in public,
things also ended with your baggage of emotions with your roommate,
as well as how fast you moved on and made new friends with my own batchmates.
I wonder how is that bottle of stars that I made you is by now.
Are you still keeping it or maybe has it already ended up in the dumpsite?
Nevertheless, thank you for being the first person to say sweet stuffs to me.
Thank you for being the first person to make me feel warm during the early days of my training session.
Thank you for making me realise that I had and always been a help centre for nearly every guy I met.

To C.
You were the first boy I had a relationship with.
The first one who I called my boyfriend.
The first one who I had my first kiss, spending time holding hands and going off for dates as frequently as possible.
The first one who surprised me during my birthday by appearing out of nowhere despite saying that you were not able to come.
Things ended when both sides were at fault.
I, being too clingy, and you, being unable to recognize me as your girlfriend in public,
me, moving too fast and wanted a stable relationship and you, wanting to have an one-off fling.
Nevertheless, thank you for allowing me to feel how it is being in and out of love during those two years.
Thank you for the warmth and always being at my side.
Thank you for making me realise that I am indeed too good for you.
And I wish you abundance of happiness with your current partner.

To B.
You were actually the first man who made my heart fluttered during my earliest day in training institute.
You were the first one who made me smiled all the time with how shy you looked at me,
You were the first one who would constantly scanning and searching the room for me,
and always tried to wait for me to make eye contact with,
You were also the one who made me always waiting for outing days so I could go out,
and see you.
You were also the one who would always waited till 5pm for me,
and would always search for opportunity to see me and say hi with your sparkling eyes and shy smiles.
You were also the one tha made me screamed in my heart whenever I got the chance to see you once more.
You were the one who I remembered all the memories with clearly.
However, as time passed and I had to leave, I was sad to leave without seeing you one more time.
But thank you for appearing one last time during what was supposed to be my saddest day and talked to me,
and telling me that you feel like you need to be there because you feel that I needed you.
You were the only memory that I wish to remember for a long time and I still wish I could see you again.
Thank you for appearing in my life during my training days.
Thank you for always looking for me and saying hi while smiling to me shyly.
Thank you for being the hot guy that actually looked for the nerdy me.
Thank you for making me realise that the man I am looking for is someone like you.

Last but not least.
To L.
You were the one person that I thought I have found my happy ending with.
You were the first man I went to the beach with and witnessed the beautiful sunset with.
You were the first man who opened the door for me and led me to my seats regardless in restaurants or cinemas.
You were the first man who I really wished to be married to and have a wonderful family with.
You were the first man whom I went on a trip with and not embarrassed to introduce to my best friend.
You were the first man who tried your very best to get what I wanted at the moment.
You were the first person who brought me up to a hill, sitting there with a cake and celebrated my birthday while waiting for the sunrise.
You were the first person who gave me meaningful presents especially the poem.
And you were the first person that I made a book and bookmarks for despite not having creativity skills.
But things ended with both of us at fault.
Me, being too clingy, needy and insecure, and you, who still didn't know what you want in your future.
Me, the one who wanted to settle down, and you, who wanted to be free.
Me, the one who always seek for your attention, and you, who left me in blue ticks.
And you, who seek me as your help centre and unable to recognize me in the public.
Nevertheless, thank you for the good memories.
Thank you for all the things that you have done for me,
and thank you for making me felt loved at one particular time.
Thank you for making me realise that I have loved the same pattern of guys all my life,
and thank you for making me realise that I deserve someone better.
I wish you all the happiness with your current partner.

That's it.
Time to move forward.
May all the boys/man I loved before have found their own happy endings.
And may I, too, be able to find my own happy ending soon.

Jen.

28.

2 days ago, I celebrated my 28th birthday at home due to the current MCO.
It was a day filled with kind thoughts and wishes from my pupils, friends and my colleagues.
Thank you for the wishes and may all those wishes come true soon.
Thank you to my bestie for sending a surprise all the way from Sri Aman despite me knowing it beforehand.
28 means its time to change.
Time to scrap off the old sensitive Jenny,
and reinforce the strong willed Jenny.
Time to stop caring too much about other people's feelings,
and start caring about myself more.
Time to stop being around people who don't appreciate you,
but be around positive people that brings out the goodness in you.
Time to stop trying to please everyone and caring about their feelings,
but do your thing correctly.
Time to look upon those with power,
and time to take care of myself in terms of career.

Time to renew myself.

Jen~

I am a teacher.

I am a teacher. 

I remember when my former teachers asked me what was my ambition,

I told them that I wanted to be a lawyer, and then, eventually, I changed my ambition into being a teacher.

I remember how I always have my own "tuition class" with my sister when she was still little and with my toys.

I always have books with me and I would be teaching them like how I saw my teachers teaching me.

I would get ready books as their workbooks and checked their works as well as guide them to do it.

When I entered secondary school and the same question was asked to me,

I told my teachers and my counselling teacher that I wanted to be a teacher.

Most of my teachers disagreed and told me that I could do much better than that, 

and that my talent is not in teaching, but in other fields.

I smiled and held on to my ambition.

After high school, I applied to different types of public university as well as teacher training college thanks to my counselling teacher who told me about it.

I was rejected from all those choices and was left awaiting for the decision from the teacher training college.

I nearly ended up becoming a forced accountant but thank God, I was accepted for an interview and eventually, accepted to a teacher training college in Keningau, Sabah.

And began my 5 and a half journey of wonderful, bittersweet and lesson-filled experiences that built me to be me now. 

After ending my training, I was posted to SK Miri and I have been here ever since.

I am grateful that I have stick to my ambition and chased after what I wanted since I was a child.

I was happy that I am finally a teacher and that I was able to do things that I love, 

to teach pupils and to see them transform into someone new.

This is my 5th year of teaching and my pupils have changed me every year.

From someone who strives for perfection in terms of results,

into someone who tries to build good rapport and relationship with my pupils first before results.

From someone who tries so hard,

into someone who acknowledge the limits of certain pupils and always trying new ways to help them.

Indeed, failure and disappointments are nothing new to me,

but it was these elements that kept me going on and on.

There are times when I was down and tired of doing the same old routine,

but the next day, I am still grateful that I am a teacher.

As for now, MCO is still happening and we still can't go back to school for our duty.

All I hope for is for the virus to disappear and MCO be lifted up,

so that I could go back to my favourite job.

Because I miss teaching and I miss my kids a lot.

Jenny~

Soulmate

Soulmate.

It's like a best friend, but more.

It's the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else.

It's someone who makes you a better person,

well, actually they don't make you a better person,

you do that yourself because they inspire you.

A soulmate is someone who you carry with you forever.

It's the one person who knew you,

and accepted you,

and believed in you before anyone else did,

or when no one else would.

And no matter what happens,

you'll always love them.

They say those who found their soulmates and end up getting together are the happiest,

and the ones who found their soulmates in the wrong timing and went apart are the saddest.

And it is true.

No matter how you try to not remember,

you still remember each and every words that your once-a-soulmate told you,

the way he/she makes you feel that you can conquer the world with him/her by your side.

Yes, you will still remember each event,

each incident,

each smiles and laughter over things that only both of you knew so well,

and how both of you are so similar with one another.

You will remember all this no matter how much you try to avoid.

No matter how much you say you hate it or angry with it,

it is stuck with you,

because after all, he or she is or was once your soulmate.

Jenny~

A new perspective

Few weeks ago, I have been in contact with a man,
and we were hitting it off quite well,
until one day, I replied with an emoticon and that's it.

During those conversations, I realised that we do not have much in common.
And deep inside, I also realised that this isn't what I want after all.
I know that I am way over the fluttering kind of feelings,
but this doesn't even spark any interest from me.
I don't feel excited.
I don't feel attached to it,
and I am sorry to say that he doesn't fit in my future.

The idea of being stuck to one place,
pacing back and forth between moving or not moving,
talking about being too old to chase after dreams and going after what he really wants in life,
not caring about own well-being or at least try to eat good food,
and talking about depending on me to make it,
those are the things that actually make me reconsider,
reconsider whether or not I should go on with this conversation,
or just put a full stop to it.

I realised that at this current age, I do not wish to settle with any guys.
I want to settle with someone who already knows how to take care of himself,
I want to settle with someone who is already doing things that he wants to do,
I want to settle with someone who does his stuffs while knowing that I am here,
I want to settle with the best.

I know I have no rights to make any choice as I don't have any choices around me.
But it seems to me that my heart wants the best.
I can't imagine myself settling down with a man who doesn't know how to take care of himself,
with a man who only knows how to complain and not making any effort to improve himself,
with a man who clings on to me too much,
with a man who I couldn't imagine a future with.

I guess this is a new side of me.
I guess living alone and managing myself on my own has grew on me,
and yes, I am looking for the best.
And I hope he is still out there.

Jenny~

Lockdown

22.03.2020, Sunday.

Today is supposed to be our final day of our school holiday in which we were supposed to go back to work tomorrow.

But due to the worsening situation of Covid-19 in my country, Malaysia,

we were required to adhere 2 weeks of restricted movement whereby we are required to stay at home and avoid from unnecessary outing to prevent from getting infected of the virus.

And being at home for almost 10 days by now kinda makes me feel suffocated.

My daily routine involves me waking up in the morning, on my phone, breakfast, on my phone/laptop/tv, lunch, on my phone/TV, nap, occasional exercise at home, dinner, on my phone/TV and then sleep.

And the routine starts all over again the next day.

And it kinda makes me feel really restless as I am unable to leave home,

unable to do things that I love which is teaching.

Honestly, I miss my kids a lot.

I miss teaching and telling them stories back from my day.

I miss my colleagues and their endless chatter about their daily lives and how the kids annoy them on daily basis in the classroom.

I miss working, 

doing things that are instructed and required by the admins,

and most importantly, I missed talking and being listened to.

Honestly, being at home without my parents somehow doesnt make the situation better.

And its weird feeling homesick when I am already at home.

All I can say is I hope that the condition will get better,

and all of us will be able to get by our lives as usual.

Therefore, stay at home people.

Stay safe and don't forget to wash your hands and sanitize properly!

May this huge block of obstacle pass quickly and all of us are able to enjoy the remaining 2020 in happiness and joy.

Jenny~

Dear Hannah

14.3.2020
A date to remember.
A beautiful girl was born on this day by my bestest friend,
and her name is Hannah Thiang.

Dear Hannah,
I hope one day when you know how to use the Internet and Google up your name,
you will find this post specially dedicated to you.
You might or might not know me,
But I am Auntie Jen, your mom's best friend.
I just want to let you know that your mom sacrificed a lot to have you!
She went through a lot emotionally and physically just to ensure that you are born into this world,
I wish you all the happiness around the world,
and I would try my best to be there for you like how I always stood by your mom from the day we met.
I hope to be the best aunt in this world that would bring you good food,
show you the kinda boys that I love to see,
bring you to concerts and truly enjoy life before becoming an adult yourself.
I can't wait for you to be an adult and tell you all the crazy adventures that I had with your mommy!

Love,
Auntie J.

Anxiety disorder

I believe in one of my old post that I have mentioned about this disorder that I had when I was in secondary school.
I still remember telling my mom that I was facing difficulty to breathe,
and I have to take deep breaths for a couple of time in order to breathe properly,
We all thought that it as my heart which might have some issues,
but little did we know that I was suffering from mild anxiety.
At that time, we couldn't identify the trigger,
but the doctor who treated me told my mom that it might due to hidden stress in studies,
and gave me several medicine to help me calm down.

And I thought that was the end.
But it wasn't.
Anxiety has suddenly became my shadow and it worsened when I was in IPG.
When sudden death of my batch mate has caused me unable to sleep for nights,
breaking out into sweats and couldn't breathe,
I realised that I was going into panic attacks.
Eventually, I had to go to a clinic to get a check,
and the doctor again told me that I was having mild anxiety disorder.

When he investigated the trigger,
he realised that the trigger was on my batch mate sudden death,
and although we weren't close,
his case has triggered my panic attacks and intense fears.
The only way to cure it was to take my mind off from it,
by treating myself to something better and take time to accept the fact.

After knowing that I had anxiety and the trigger,
I tried my best to keep it at fix and avoid from reading any news that could trigger it again.
And I thought I had eventually moved past it.
But before I knew it, it crept back during my working life.
And the worse part was when it was entangled with intense sadness.
I remembered lying down in the darkness,
crying my eyes out for no reason,
listening to songs and crying.
Not wanting to be at school, crying in the toilet and counselling room,
unable to control my mood swings and anger outbreaks,
and eventually, I had to force myself to meet my counselor to seek for help.
That was the darkest moments where I was not mentally healthy and physically unwell.

Eventually, I decided to take Masters as a way to get over overthinking as well as curing my heartbreak.
Those two years of taking Masters were the only times when I was truly happy and free.
Where anxiety had slowly disappeared from my life as I was too preoccupied with works and deadlines.
However, the sudden death of my colleagues has again triggered my anxiety.
Though I was able to accept his passing and bawled myself out,
seeing him for the last time in real world and in my dream has helped me to accept the fact.

So I thought.
This year, 2020.
I was again getting panic attacks and anxiety from time to time.
As I diagnosed myself, I thought all of this was due to the workloads that I have been working upon.
But it wasn't.
The real trigger was the sudden death of a celebrity,
which was closely related to my previous colleague.
And from there, I realised that I wasn't able to move past the incident.
However, after knowing the trigger, I was able to slowly recover from it.

The main reason of this long post is to tell everyone whose reading this,
that anxiety is something that we can't be fully cured.
It follows us like our shadow,
and no matter how much people tell us to not overthink,
what matters the most is by offering your time to listen and just be there for us.
It's not easy to get past these panic attacks,
and it takes time to be able to identify the triggers,
but be strong, everyone.
We can do this.
I know I can.

Jenny~

Latest update

It's been a while of not updating my blog since January.
I have been really pre-occupied with school works,
and endless workloads that hit me without any preparations.

Due to the endless workloads which hit me unprepared,
I eventually got sick and have been sick on off these few weeks in February.
And it's really tiring and exhausting,
when you're sick and yet, you still need to make sure all those works are completed,
all those classes have to be attended,
and lessons have to be taught.

I blame my perfectionist attitude,
as this costs me my own me-time,
and eventually, costs me a quality rest to actually let my body to heal.
And from today onwards, I tried to be more positive in my working environment,
trying to work hard when I am asked to,
and slow down when my body couldn't take it.

My Masters journey has finally reached its destination!
And I am left with one more presentation in a conference and I am done with it.
Thank God for everything and for the persistence as well as strength given unto me to complete this treacherous journey,
The journey that witnesses me breaking down into tears and seeing me get back up after that,
finally, it's over!

Last but not least,
thank you to you for trying to reply my text daily although you usually reply when I am sleeping.
It feels like we are at two different parts of the world,
where I reply early in the morning and you, late at night.
But I guess, its your efforts to reply counts.
And no expectations, but thank you for those replies,
and those jokes that made me laughed like a small kid again.
Thank you, you.

Jenny~

Belated Valentine's day

Thank you for wishing me a Valentine's day.
This post might seem to be way too late,
but seeing the line of you wishing me a Happy Valentine's day,
and asking of what I did during Valentine's day,
is something that I really appreciate.

Thank you for giving colours to my day, bits by bits.

Jenny~

When one door closes

People says that when one door closes,
another one opens up.
And I do believe in it.

I remember how I always revisit that particular door,
to see whether he is over there waiting for me,
and I apparently wasted almost 2 and a half years waiting at that particular door,
until one day,
I decided to enter the door and find him.
And I did.
But instead of giving the second chances like what I always did,
I expressed my anger in words,
giving him a piece of my mind,
and finally, I was relieved.
I was released.

I walked off,
shut the door,
nail it and walked off.
And when that door closes,
it is true that another door seems to open a bit.
The old me would be waiting at that particular door again,
but not now.
I started to wander around,
visiting the new door once a while,
and went off on my adventure.
Because I believe that if that door is indeed opened for me,
it will always stay open for me.

Jenny~

Last birthday.

Happy birthday.
That would be the last birthday greeting from me.
That would also be the last text message that I would send to you ever again.
I am glad that I did text you.
I am glad that I didn't cave in and saying that everything is okay, and it's fine,
because it wasn't.

I am glad that I took the time to reply you.
I am glad that I am able to write down all the things that I wished to tell you during those years of being ghosted and left behind without any traces,
I am glad that I didn't forgive you that easily like last time,
and I am glad that I didn't cling on to the hope of you doing anything after the text.

I have finally found the closure.
I finally have the courage to remove your number and all the reminders of you from my life.
I am glad that I have removed you.
Cheers to a new beginning without you, for real.
Because I am done.

Jenny

Resolutions: Then and Now.

Resolutions.
I remembered having set some resolutions in 2019.
Let's recap and reflect on those goals that I have set in 2019.

1. To work hard in both my career and studies.
= Well, I achieved this goal for sure. 2019 was the year where I worked my ass off in both career and my studies. I remembered how fulfilling and tiring it was at the same time trying to balance both my career and studies at the same time. There were times when I had meltdown as I was contemplating and started to regret on the amount of workloads that I have brought upon to myself. But at the end of the day, I was glad that I pulled through those lonely nights, trying to complete my assignments as well as preparing my lessons and meeting deadlines for both aspects.

= Good news for 2020?
- Workloads seem to be still the same but a little exciting as I am going to be involved in organising several events which I can go out and meet new people!
- Studies are coming to an end! All is left is editing my project paper as well as my article, going off for a conference and get my paper published and then, #road toconvocation!

2. To pick up a dance class for the sake of my career
= I didnt achieve this goal at all. I didnt sign up for a class as I was too preoccupied of getting my work done at school as well as in my studies.

= Good news for 2020?
- Well, I don't think I am going to pick up the class after all. I rather spend the time on myself and try to rest and relax as much as possible after having such 2 hectic years that were mostly comprised of going back and forth to school as well as university.

3. To be happy regardless of what happens throughout the year.
= 2019 is the year that I achieved this goal though there were several roadblocks on the way. One of it was meeting him in a briefing for a competition and receiving endless updates about him. And the only way to push him away from my life was being occupied with works. And that's the best thing that ever happened to me as I grew happier and more comfortable with the current condition I am in.

4. To be less troubled with matters that are out of my control.
= 2019 is also the year where I reset my mindset and my view on things that are out of my control which includes relationship. And that was the best decision that I ever made as I was able to focus on myself, my career and my self development instead of weeping about relationship. 2019 was also the year where I stopped searching and just truly enjoy living with how things are. And 2019 was also the year where I stopped talking about how lonely I am as well as how much I missed those old days with him. A pat to myself!

All in all, 2019 was a pretty good year for me.
A year where I was flourishing in my career,
A year where my sanity was tested with countless number of assignments to be completed in the shortest time,
A year where I get to go to new places for the sake of work demands and enjoy being solo,
And a year where I decided to love myself instead of loving the past.

2020.
My goal for 2020 is going to be simple.
To love myself more,
To find happiness in whatever that occurs in life,
and always anticipate the unknown ventures.

Jenny~

Recap and Looking Forward to.

Hi!
It's been a while not updating this blog especially during the long holidays.
So let's recap a bit on 2019 and what I am expecting on 2020.

2019.
2019 was a year where I had a mix of emotions throughout the year.
Ranging from being happy to being stressed at work and studies.

Happiness.
I found my happiness in my work and studies despite the occasional complaints of how tiring it is to juggle between two.
Work has been great and led me to learn as well as experience new ventures.
I got to go out a lot, travel to different parts of the state for work demands, sleep in various hotels and most importantly, learning to embrace this solo spirit through work demands.
I am glad that my colleagues were really helpful and have been the drive for me to be sane when dealing with so much work demands.

Unappreciated.
2019 was also a year where I felt unappreciated by my pupils.
Despite how much I have sacrificed for them and seeing them getting good results,
I thought I would at least received a simple "thank you" or a little gift from them as a token of appreciation,
but nothing.
I was quite upset and demotivated at the end of the day before I reminded myself that my main goal of teaching is to see changes amongst the weaker ones,
those who none believe could pass in the killer subject of English Language,
and though unappreciated, I am still proud of them who passed the subject despite my constant nagging, threatening, scolding and glaring.

Stress.
I was quite stressed out this year due to assignments.
The difficulty of juggling my time between work, assignments as well as my procrastination has actually taken a toll on myself,
which ended up on me being an emo freak or having mood swings.
And honestly, all those emo post is actually not dedicated to anyone,
it's the side effects of all the waves of workloads and assignments and papers to write in order to graduate in 2020.

Last but not least, self discovery.
2019 is the year where I stopped thinking or searching the love of my life.
Instead, I put it aside and placed my whole focus on my self development in work and studies.
And honestly speaking, though at times, it felt great but there are also times when loneliness strikes.
But it is through these loneliness and self discovery that made me realise that rushing into things won't make things happen after all.
It also made me realise that no matter how much I love a person, once he has turned his back on me, it is time for me to turn my back on him too.
Therefore, I told myself that I deserve someone better,
and I decided not be chosen, but to be the chooser.
I have also decided to let things go with the flow and focus on loving as well as prioritising myself first.

Therefore, 2019 was indeed a great year and I am happy to end the chapter of 2019 with good vibes.
2020.
I am looking forward to all the unknown ventures,
unknown conquests,
unknown experiences and new things,
unknown people,
and unknown relationship.

May 2020 be a great year for you and me!

Jenny~