Slowly moving forward

I had just came back from Lawas couple of days ago to give a short briefing on a certain part of a course.
And the feeling was great.
I remembered how all the teachers first saw me and had the impression that I was just a small kid,
who knew nothing,
and who are inexperienced with my own knowledge.
I remembered how the lecturers and the officer were staring at me with two kinds of impression,
An impression of gratitude as I am able to assist them,
and an impression of being wary and doubtful whether I am able to assist them.

And because of that, it geared up my level of motivation,
of wanting to do better and to be the best in my field of work,
especially in terms of delivering the content that I am supposed to deliver.
I told myself that in order to gain respect from people,
I should first respect them and always stay humble.
And that was what I did in three slots of my briefing in the course for two days one night in Lawas.

The result?
The lecturers were really nice to me and wished me the best in my future endeavors.
The way they looked at me have changed and gave me the sense of satisfaction whenever they talked to me.
The officer who doubted me became someone who shared the most insights with me.
And I am thankful and grateful for her doubts as that has empowered me into being the most confident speaker in front of almost 80 teachers.
The course participants which comprised of senior and young teachers were attentive and the friendliest by the end of my slot.
The way they approached me and wished me safe journey back to Miri as well as thanking me for everything that I have shared,
those are the little things that bring so much joy and motivation for me to do better in the next duty.

I realised that as I am growing more mature,
I do not need high salary to feel satisfied with my achievement,
all I need are the littlest things such as being appreciated and thanked for the things that I have done for them.
Because in my life, I hold on to people's views on me and I would work hard just to show people that I can and I will be better.
Because in my life, I observed people and I learnt as well as practiced only the good ones on myself in order to be different from the people that I mingled with.
And most importantly, in my life, I want to be the best version of myself so that I would not be left in regrets for not doing so.
I seek the best for myself in order to meet the best for myself in near future.

Jenny~

5th year of career.

Being in my 5th year in my career somehow opens my eyes to many things around me,
and one of the major changes that I experience in my 5th year career is on my perceptions of the pupils that I am teaching,
especially those who are in Year 6 and are now reaching to their most rebellious stages.

I remembered how I hated to teach weak pupils,
how I always perceive them as the "bad students", "naughty pupils", those who would never succeed in life.
However, after 2016 batch of Year 6 where I witnessed a miracle of my weakest pupils passing their English Language papers after 2 years of trying my very best to help them,
my view on these "naughty pupils" have changed drastically.

Not only that, my feelings and the way I tried to approach them during my teaching as well as after class hours have also changed a lot.
Nowadays, I tried to build good relationship with them,
Trying my best to be firm, stern and a fear to them,
while at the same time, being friendly, the joker of the class and always know how to inject humor in every situations with them during the teaching session.
By doing so, I realised that I am now closer to them,
I slowly see their true colours and despite all the naughtiness and worst things that they ever done,
all they wanted is attention and someone who is willing to listen without directly judging them.

I am saddened by some teachers' attitudes who directly labeled these kids due to their mistakes in lives
I am saddened by some teachers who look at them as horrible creatures due to their wrongdoings in the past years,
and I am indeed saddened by some teachers who gave up on them right from the start instead of trying their best to re-evaluate themselves in the teaching process.

I nearly gave up teaching this year's batch of Year 6,
I was in a lot of frustration and anger when dealing a class filled with boys,
I walked out of the class in anger, slammed tables with my fist, shouted at the pupils in anger and launched a cold war with those kids due to immense anger and fury,
but at the end of the day, I still respect them and tried my best to reflect on my actions,
while figuring out how I could help them.
There are times that they are at fault, and as a teacher, as long as we can help them, we should try to help them by all means.
I do not believe in giving up on them,
I believe that they are sent to me for a reason,
and the reason is that I should touch their heart instead of just ensuring they excel in their studies.

5th year of career,
I have finally found out what kind of teacher I need to be,
a teacher who touches a pupil's heart,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see the better in the worst situation,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see their own potentials and eventually be successful regardless of what they are doing.
I couldn't promise 100% of my pupils would be successful in the future,
but I believe in 100%, there would always be that one or two who would make me proud when they grow up.

Jenny~