Wedding bells.

The first thing that I do every morning or after work is to log in into my Facebook,

to check up my news feeds and eventually,

news of weddings and engagements started to flood my page.

I remembered how I felt when I saw my seniors, juniors, classmates, batchmates and ex-school mates are getting hitched, one by one.

I remembered how I felt so happy and envious,

and always dreaming to be one of them, one day.

I wasn't desperate, I thought.

But I was actually really desperate.

Desperate to find someone and get married like what I saw in my Facebook,

I wanted to experience how does it feel spending my whole lifetime with the man I love,

and that chooses me to spend the eternity with.

I also wanted to update my Facebook and Instagram with my pre-wedding photos, and make other people envy and shocked seeing it.

Childish, isn't it?

Whatever other people have, I want it.

And that also includes being in a relationship and getting married.

However, those feelings started to diminish,

and I started to feel bitter and helpless when I see more wedding news coming up,

especially when it was my own classmates as well as my best friends.

I started to feel isolated when one by one, my classmates have already found their other half,

when they got engaged,

and when they got married, and I was there to witness it.

I started to blame my fate,

I started to tell myself that it's over,

I would not be able to attain that happiness,

No one is gonna fall in love with me, and no one is going to choose me,

I started telling myself all these negative things,

and felt depressed when things are falling apart in terms of my own relationship.

But this is the turning point that I needed.

I started to go to the places where I used to go with people, on my own.

I started to go back to my old routine,

eating at a cafe or restaurant on my own and just enjoying the feeling.

Setting up goals to go / do things that I used to do with someone, on my own,

and remind myself that,

before him, there was me.

And it is true.

Before someone else could love, you gotta love yourself.

And though at times I forgot all about it,

I am lucky that reminders are everywhere and though unintentional,

it put a reminder there for me.

Though I am still not off the market yet,

it doesn't mean I am not valuable enough to be off.

It takes the right person to see the value in me,

and get me off the market when the timing comes.

To that person, I patiently await for your arrival.

May you arrive at the time when you're ready,

and I'm already at my best.

Jenny.

Rainy days

As she sat next her window,
she looked at the rain droplets,
racing with one another to be the faster one to reach the bottom.

She started to think about how much time has passed her since she entered her new carriage,
to her astonishment,
the smell of the carriage,
the window,
the books,
the cup of latte,
all looks similar to the old carriage that she was in last time.

She smiled at her own foolishness.
There are things that will always remain the same no matter how much you try to leave and start anew.
Why?
They say, memories stay.
They stay around us and will not be forgotten.
Each time she walked to her carriage,
it reminded her of someone.
Each time she sipped her cup of latte,
it reminded her of a conversation.
Each time she picked up a book,
it reminded her of that night.
Each time she leaned next to the window and stared outside,
it reminded her of who she has always been waiting of.

The train might be new,
the journey ahead might be something unpredictable,
but she herself knows,
that regardless of what train she is taking,
or what journey she is embarking,
she would never be able to feel new,
because no matter how she wants to leave those old suitcases and books,
she knows she would turned around and picked it.

She continued to stare at those grey clouds,
and closed her eyes,
"It will pass, someday."

Jenny~