Conversation with mom.

I am the type of person who would call my mom every night just to have a short conversation with her.

Usually, we would just ask one another what we were doing and what we had for dinner and stuffs,

and of course, the normal lecture of eating unhealthy food and less vegetables.

But after moving in to a new place with my brother, I realised that I complained less about my health,

I also felt much happier these days,

with less worries and anxiety except for those which were caused by my immense workloads and assignments.

So, tonight, as usual, I had the normal conversation with mom,

when I told her how time flies so fast,

and we are almost reaching the end of 2019 and towards 2020 in a couple of months,

and that's when my mom struck me with the statement that I wish she would not say,

"And yet, you are still single."

I didn't argue with her nor did I replied the statement,

and I immediately changed topic to avoid venturing deep into that.

Honestly, I have reached the age where finding the one seems to not matter so much already,

where I don't believe in love at first sight nor love is somewhere there at the corner waiting for me to discover him.

I have reached the age where most of my friends are either married or having kids.

The moments of desperation as well as hoping so much to be in love and end up like them seems to not work like it used to be already.

Right now, I felt really happy with what is happening.

Less drama, less waiting, less anxiety and less heartbreaks.

Don't get me wrong, 

it's not that I do not want to fall in love anymore,

I still hold on to my principle of wanting to get married by giving myself a break for 3 years after Masters.

I still do want to walk down the aisle and have a happy family with the man who would love me and respect my decisions in my career.

I still would want to look into the eyes of the man who would always look out for me and support my decisions even though it might be the craziest thing to do.

And I still would want to be with the man who prioritizes me while not forgetting to live as well.

And I still want to love the man who loves me and make me feel safe, knowing that I am the one he needed all this while.

I still do.

It's just that I am letting things to happen at its very own course,

while enjoying whatever is happening now.

Jenny~

Less hopeful

I was sent to Sibu last week for a three days symposium,
and I was thrilled to attend the symposium which witnessed amazing speakers from various parts of the countries and our own states.
To be able to be there and listening to their amazing and inspiring sharing about teaching,
how to make a difference in people's lives,
as well as embracing changes that is bound to happen in a person's life regardless of how we tried to stop it,
it was amazing!

During those three days, I was grateful for my IPG friend for her willingness to bring me around,
as well as kept me accompanied throughout those sessions,
Honestly speaking, both of us were super close back at IPG,
but one small mistake that was committed by me somehow caused both of us to be awkward with one another for quite some time.
Time passes and I am happy that she is now willing to share things with me,
and listened to me when it comes to sharing session.
I remembered that I have always envied her as she is pretty and always have admirers surrounding her right until now,
but I realised that it is not all beautiful for her as she couldnt even be casual with any guys without leading them into hopeless love,
or even having good friend around as the guy that they have crush will eventually fall for her.
But all I can say about her is I really hope that she will find her happiness and eventually be reunited with her love amidst all the obstacles that are in their way.

When I was at symposium, I was happy to be surrounded by inspiring people,
though I didnt really make new friends there,
but I was happy that people finally know my presence during my reflection session.
Yes, I was lucky enough to be asked to go on stage to share my reflection about the symposium in front of hundreds of teachers and distinguished guests.
At that moment, I realised that this is the time for me to shine,
time for people to hear what I am going to say and the time for me to unleash my inner potential,
and I did it!
The happiness of hearing people cheer for me and clap for me was amazing,
and thats when I realised that, I belong to the stage.
And I need to work really hard to be on stage one day like those speakers that I witnessed.

And I realised that at that moment, I was no longer searching for a person,
I was confident enough to be up there on my own.
I no longer hope to see that one man to walk up to me,
I was fine being applaud by many.
I no longer hope to meet a man amidst the crowd,
I was fine being me at all time.
And I realised that I am becoming less and less hopeful when it comes to meeting new people.

A friend told me to stop hoping,
He said that by doing so, it will stop me from getting heartbreaks.
And yes, my friend.
I stopped hoping,
and I start to walk towards the unknown path of my future,
independently.

Jenny~

While on duty

I was sent to Kuching yesterday for a duty,
and I was grateful as well as thankful to meet amazing people,
and one of them was a lady who already had 3 children and is still looking young as ever.
We talked a lot and I told her about my relationship issues,
and how I got over it and how I am really happy currently with less pressure on settling down.

And she told me her happiness before she started to mention the hardships that she went through as well while being a wife, mother and a daughter in law.
From there, I learnt a lot.
I learnt that it is not easy to stay married.
It takes a lot of commitment, patience as well as tolerance with one another in order to make things happen.
And it doesn't always happen with both sides.
There are times when the other half is not listening,
is not paying attention,
is always by the side of the in law and leaving you with no option but to suffer in silence.
But not every wedding ends in heartbreaks.
The most important lesson in it is that you and the other half is willingly to work together to achieve peace and harmony in a family.

From listening to her experience,
I realised that I am actually not ready to go through all this just yet.
I dont have the commitment nor the patience to be able to pull through these stuffs,
what more if its with a guy that I just merely love.
And I am somewhat thankful for still being single,
at least I am able to learn more and more about marriage and really prepare myself for it when the time comes.
It indeed takes two to tango,
and it is important the other half is appreciative of you like how you are appreciative to him/her.

And before forgetting, she even advised me to take work easily.
And I can see how she is worried about how crazy am I with work.
I also thought I am too indulged into work until I forgot to give myself some break at times.
But I realised that work and studies are the only thing that is keeping me sane and a pause from thinking of the unnecessary.
And somehow, like what I have mentioned previously, work and studies are my comfort zone.
A zone where there is no mention or thoughts of relationship is brought upon.
A zone where I know my heart won't break when I put on high hopes on it.
As crazy as it is, I am waiting for the one who could break the high walls that I have hidden myself in which is my passion and obsession to my work.

Someone, come and find me.

Jenny~

Gone were the days

Gone were the days when I always imagined myself falling in love helplessly,
Gone were the days when I always trust that I would eventually meet the love of my life,
Gone were the days when I always imagines myself being happily married,
Gone were the days when I always imagine falling in love when I attend any events,
Gone were those days.

I forgot how to feel,
Everytime I am attending a certain event, instead of looking forward for it,
All I could think of is how I would end up being miserable, all alone in this event,
surrounded by old people and having no chance of meeting or befriending with someone that I could connect to.
Everytime, I am attending dinner or some sort of matchmaking session, instead of having positive outlook on it,
All I could think of is how this guy is going to disappoint me with his weird attitudes or being a pervert at the end.
Everytime, I wanted to text someone,
All I could think of is how I am going to get the cold shoulders again or worse, being left at the blue ticks again.

Where has that positive, helplessly in love with the idea of being in love kind of person?
Somehow, time and age has slowly turned me into someone who doesn't feel much these days,
someone who slowly lost her trust in love,
or meeting the love of her life.
Slowly, I am turning into someone who just want to be inside the house,
and feeling scared of meeting anyone or even getting any closer with someone,
fearing of being left behind, getting hurt or meeting some weird perverts again.

Finally, I understand how Ted from HIMYM felt in the series.
The feeling of being hopeless and slowly turning away from love before he finally met the one.
Do I have to do the same as well?

Jenny~