I always thought I am ready for a relationship,
always thought I am ready for a long life commitment when the time has come,
ready to be called someone's wife and build a family,
like what most of my friends are doing currently,
I always thought I was ready,
until one day I realised that I wasn't.
The incident with the man has brought me to realise that I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready to fall in love after going through heartbreaks after heartbreaks,
I wasn't ready to lose the freedom that I have obtained after struggling with myself,
I wasn't ready to walk the next step ahead with another man whom I was sure I was not in love with,
I wasn't ready to let go of the baggage of memories with another person.
and I wasn't mentally prepared to be in a relationship.
I am scared.
As I grew older, I became timid with the word relationship.
I am scared that I am just wasting my time with a person whose not for me.
I am scared that it wouldn't turn out like what I hoped it would be.
I am scared that I would give too much and eventually, get broken again.
I am scared to fall,
and hurt again.
And because of that,
I slowly find that being alone is fun,
being alone lets me do the things that I want,
and being alone lets me find the peace that I have longed for.
Yes, I do want to be with someone,
but I am scared.
I am filled with doubts and what-ifs,
and I am feeling insecure after all the stuffs I have went through.
I never had a happy ending in my relationship,
therefore,
will I ever find the happy ending that was supposed to be mine?
Hold my hand.
Push me to fall,
and be there to catch me when I do,
because it could be the last one that I will ever fall again.
Jenny~
Valentine's Day was a week ago,
and here I am, writing a belated post about it.
Valentine's Day is a a day that was specially dedicated for couples, married or in a relationship,
to celebrate the presence of another significant person in their lives.
A day where the females will be lavished with big bouquets of roses,
boxes after boxes of chocolates,
expensive branded gifts,
and a lot of sweet words as well as promises from their significant halves.
That's how I look at Valentine's Day for the past few years.
Valentine's Day should be done like this, like that,
and it should be a day where the singles like me should stay at home,
binge watching dramas,
and cry myself to sleep because I just don't have another half to lavish me with all those stuffs,
while scrolling on IG and Facebook, envying why they are so lucky and I'm not.
That was in the past.
This year, I don't take heed of Valentine's Day.
Nor do I wished anyone a Happy Valentine's Day.
And the main reason was,
we don't need a specific day to celebrate the bonds that we have created with people around us.
We don't a specific day to show our loves to other people,
nor do we need to use materials to prove our loves.
All we need is their companionship,
and time.
And I am lucky that I was surrounded by people that I love and love me during that day,
which were my family, and friends who constantly made sure that I am being heard.
Therefore, go and celebrate Valentine's Day,
but don't be sad if you don't have another half to celebrate with.
Always remember that there is always that someone whose like you,
waiting to meet the special you,
and walk along the path together.
Happy belated Valentine's Day to all of you, dear readers.
lots of love,
Jenny~
and here I am, writing a belated post about it.
Valentine's Day is a a day that was specially dedicated for couples, married or in a relationship,
to celebrate the presence of another significant person in their lives.
A day where the females will be lavished with big bouquets of roses,
boxes after boxes of chocolates,
expensive branded gifts,
and a lot of sweet words as well as promises from their significant halves.
That's how I look at Valentine's Day for the past few years.
Valentine's Day should be done like this, like that,
and it should be a day where the singles like me should stay at home,
binge watching dramas,
and cry myself to sleep because I just don't have another half to lavish me with all those stuffs,
while scrolling on IG and Facebook, envying why they are so lucky and I'm not.
That was in the past.
This year, I don't take heed of Valentine's Day.
Nor do I wished anyone a Happy Valentine's Day.
And the main reason was,
we don't need a specific day to celebrate the bonds that we have created with people around us.
We don't a specific day to show our loves to other people,
nor do we need to use materials to prove our loves.
All we need is their companionship,
and time.
And I am lucky that I was surrounded by people that I love and love me during that day,
which were my family, and friends who constantly made sure that I am being heard.
Therefore, go and celebrate Valentine's Day,
but don't be sad if you don't have another half to celebrate with.
Always remember that there is always that someone whose like you,
waiting to meet the special you,
and walk along the path together.
Happy belated Valentine's Day to all of you, dear readers.
lots of love,
Jenny~
As she sat at her favourite spot at the cafe,
she stared at the dark clouds hovering around,
bringing little glimpses of lights there and then,
and she took out her journal.
She started to write about all the things that have happened to her so far,
she remembered how a man who suddenly approached her table one afternoon,
and talked to her about a lot of things,
and she thought she found a new friend when things went awry.
She remembered how the man profess his feelings to her after a day of meeting her,
and how he brought her around to town,
and kept touching her without her permission.
She thought she would get used to this,
she thought that this what she had wished for,
and she also thought this would go far,
but it didn't.
She didn't feel happy,
she was uncomfortable,
she felt burdened and sad the whole time without knowing the real reason.
She thought it was because of her unwillingness to let go her baggage,
but it wasn't.
Her body was telling her that this was not it.
Eventually, she ended the tie as fast as how it started,
and she has no regrets.
As she stared back at the people around the cafe,
she realised that she needed her own life.
She had been thinking about others for the past few years,
and forgot to take care about her own heart.
She had been depending on others to bring her happiness,
and forgot that only she can make herself happy at the end of the day.
She wants to be with herself at this moment,
and she can't stand the idea of being with a man who though loves her a lot,
she doesn't love him,
and always wanting for more.
She was afraid to let go,
but she knows if she stayed on, she will be the one who will suffer.
And as she placed her cup of latte down,
she closed her journal,
stood up,
took her coat and went out of the little cafe.
She stared at the little rays of lights among the dark clouds,
and told her little heart to be patient,
and she will, one day, find someone whom will make her stay.
While waiting, she continued her journey to pursue her own happiness.
Jenny~
she stared at the dark clouds hovering around,
bringing little glimpses of lights there and then,
and she took out her journal.
She started to write about all the things that have happened to her so far,
she remembered how a man who suddenly approached her table one afternoon,
and talked to her about a lot of things,
and she thought she found a new friend when things went awry.
She remembered how the man profess his feelings to her after a day of meeting her,
and how he brought her around to town,
and kept touching her without her permission.
She thought she would get used to this,
she thought that this what she had wished for,
and she also thought this would go far,
but it didn't.
She didn't feel happy,
she was uncomfortable,
she felt burdened and sad the whole time without knowing the real reason.
She thought it was because of her unwillingness to let go her baggage,
but it wasn't.
Her body was telling her that this was not it.
Eventually, she ended the tie as fast as how it started,
and she has no regrets.
As she stared back at the people around the cafe,
she realised that she needed her own life.
She had been thinking about others for the past few years,
and forgot to take care about her own heart.
She had been depending on others to bring her happiness,
and forgot that only she can make herself happy at the end of the day.
She wants to be with herself at this moment,
and she can't stand the idea of being with a man who though loves her a lot,
she doesn't love him,
and always wanting for more.
She was afraid to let go,
but she knows if she stayed on, she will be the one who will suffer.
And as she placed her cup of latte down,
she closed her journal,
stood up,
took her coat and went out of the little cafe.
She stared at the little rays of lights among the dark clouds,
and told her little heart to be patient,
and she will, one day, find someone whom will make her stay.
While waiting, she continued her journey to pursue her own happiness.
Jenny~
For the past 10 days,
I have gotten myself into a tangled mess,
and all I could blame was myself.
Meeting a guy who hasn't know anything about me,
and getting confession in less than 2 days,
and being treated like a girlfriend with holding hands, unwanted hugs,
and being laden with loads of sweet words and all,
has been an unintentional burden.
I lied to myself,
I thought I could give this a chance,
I thought I could develop my feelings,
and I thought I could start a relationship,
but it didn't.
Therefore, decision was made.
I bid goodbye,
and wishing for a friendship,
and continue to move on this journey on my own,
to pursue the unknown,
to seek for the real happiness out there,
while enjoying this journey.
Will I regret this?
I won't, because I know I wouldn't happy if I have forced myself.
I'm sorry,
if we are meant to be,
we will be together one day.
Jenny~
I have gotten myself into a tangled mess,
and all I could blame was myself.
Meeting a guy who hasn't know anything about me,
and getting confession in less than 2 days,
and being treated like a girlfriend with holding hands, unwanted hugs,
and being laden with loads of sweet words and all,
has been an unintentional burden.
I lied to myself,
I thought I could give this a chance,
I thought I could develop my feelings,
and I thought I could start a relationship,
but it didn't.
Therefore, decision was made.
I bid goodbye,
and wishing for a friendship,
and continue to move on this journey on my own,
to pursue the unknown,
to seek for the real happiness out there,
while enjoying this journey.
Will I regret this?
I won't, because I know I wouldn't happy if I have forced myself.
I'm sorry,
if we are meant to be,
we will be together one day.
Jenny~
Things happen for a reason.
At the time when I felt so comfortable being alone,
at the time when I felt like I can do anything on her own,
at the time I felt the freedom of only thinking for myself,
things start to happen.
I met with this man during a course,
unknowingly became a friend,
and now became someone's favourite.
All of this happened within three days.
Everyone around me are telling me that this is crazy,
and even I myself find that all this is really crazy.
And as we went out for dinner and a walk at places that I didn't expect,
I kept thinking to myself on what to do.
I kept asking myself, if this is really it?
Is this really happening that I finally found a man whose ready to give me all I have wanted,
a man who loves me more than I do,
someone whom will hold my hand and bring me forward,
instead of letting go in the middle.
As I was contemplating,
his image appeared in my head.
I am conflicted inside,
to continue to wait for something that might or might not happen at all,
or,
let go of the past and give this a chance.
Tell me what to do.
Jenny.
At the time when I felt so comfortable being alone,
at the time when I felt like I can do anything on her own,
at the time I felt the freedom of only thinking for myself,
things start to happen.
I met with this man during a course,
unknowingly became a friend,
and now became someone's favourite.
All of this happened within three days.
Everyone around me are telling me that this is crazy,
and even I myself find that all this is really crazy.
And as we went out for dinner and a walk at places that I didn't expect,
I kept thinking to myself on what to do.
I kept asking myself, if this is really it?
Is this really happening that I finally found a man whose ready to give me all I have wanted,
a man who loves me more than I do,
someone whom will hold my hand and bring me forward,
instead of letting go in the middle.
As I was contemplating,
his image appeared in my head.
I am conflicted inside,
to continue to wait for something that might or might not happen at all,
or,
let go of the past and give this a chance.
Tell me what to do.
Jenny.
Being single.
I remembered how I hated having this label,
and wished to be labeled as someone's girlfriend,
or in a relationship,
or someone's significant person,
or eve seeing someone.
But it never happened after that one relationship that I consider as a lesson.
Hence, I trained myself to try to be independent.
Back in my IPG days, I trained myself to go to church on my own every Sunday,
took a mini bus (van) and shopped for grocery,
went to airport and catching flight on my own,
and doing little things here and there by myself.
At that time, though I was doing everything on my own,
honestly speaking,
I wished someone else was there doing it with me.
When I got posted to Miri,
its somehow back to the olden days,
where everything needs to be done on my own.
Therefore, when I met someone who has similar liking with me,
I clung on to him and only did things if he was with me,
and felt depressed if I'm not the one whose doing it with him.
Emotional swings has got me changed into someone that I no longer knew.
Therefore, 2018 was a big turning point for myself.
A chance for me to start over again,
and a chance for me to be independent again.
This brings me to make a checklist.
A checklist of things to do on my own which I used to do with someone else.
And it started with having coffee and dessert at a new place,
watching movie on my own,
taking flight on my own,
and managing my own emotional beings.
My only hope is that this year, I would be able to find back the Jenny,
the Jenny that is always smiling,
always filled with excitement when seeing hot guys,
always fangirling over handsome actors and singers,
the Jenny that is confident and never gives up on things that she knows she can do it.
and the Jenny that patiently waits for the right person at the right time.
Jenny~
I remembered how I hated having this label,
and wished to be labeled as someone's girlfriend,
or in a relationship,
or someone's significant person,
or eve seeing someone.
But it never happened after that one relationship that I consider as a lesson.
Hence, I trained myself to try to be independent.
Back in my IPG days, I trained myself to go to church on my own every Sunday,
took a mini bus (van) and shopped for grocery,
went to airport and catching flight on my own,
and doing little things here and there by myself.
At that time, though I was doing everything on my own,
honestly speaking,
I wished someone else was there doing it with me.
When I got posted to Miri,
its somehow back to the olden days,
where everything needs to be done on my own.
Therefore, when I met someone who has similar liking with me,
I clung on to him and only did things if he was with me,
and felt depressed if I'm not the one whose doing it with him.
Emotional swings has got me changed into someone that I no longer knew.
Therefore, 2018 was a big turning point for myself.
A chance for me to start over again,
and a chance for me to be independent again.
This brings me to make a checklist.
A checklist of things to do on my own which I used to do with someone else.
And it started with having coffee and dessert at a new place,
watching movie on my own,
taking flight on my own,
and managing my own emotional beings.
My only hope is that this year, I would be able to find back the Jenny,
the Jenny that is always smiling,
always filled with excitement when seeing hot guys,
always fangirling over handsome actors and singers,
the Jenny that is confident and never gives up on things that she knows she can do it.
and the Jenny that patiently waits for the right person at the right time.
Jenny~
She stares out from her window,
sipping her hot coffee,
and listening to the sound of the rain.
How long has it been after the train has left?
How long has it been for her in this once unfamiliar town,
now slowly turned into a little home for her?
She had lost track of time as she had been exploring each part of the little town.
As she was sipping her cup of coffee,
she saw a birthday cake on a table.
A cute couple entered the cafe,
with the male holding a bouquet of roses,
and the lady was holding a present.
She realised that it was also someone's big day too.
She would never forget that date.
It has been etched in her mind ever since she met him.
She remembered the first time they celebrated it together,
and his face when he received her presents.
She smiled when she played back all those memories,
and looked outside.
She wished she was there at the moment,
but she knew that it was impossible.
She didn't feel sad,
she feel happy,
as she knows that he is happy as well regardless of where he is,
who he is with,
and what he is doing.
She took a book that she has handmade on her own during her time on the train,
wrapped it carefully,
walked towards the counter,
and asked the man to help her send it off,
to the person who she knows,
will be delighted to receive.
Jenny~
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