Comfort zone

To those who knows me very well,
I am the type of person who couldn't get out from my comfort zone,
unless I am being pushed out of it.
The thought of getting out from my comfort zone terrifies me.
The thought of being in a new, unfamiliar setting makes me feel uneasy,
And low self esteem.

This applies not only in my career but also in my relationship.
I have a comfort zone in my career,
whereby I am teaching well in my school with the normal routines and workloads,
dealing with the same challenges and obstacles,
that I am used to now.
And when one day, I suddenly realised that it's time to further my studies,
I suddenly feel terrified.
Not terrified by the subjects, assignments and exams,
but terrified of what is coming up next after I graduated.
It's silly to think so far when I have not even taken the first step.
But that's me,
overthinking is something that I do the best.

In terms of my relationship,
after going through 1 failed relationship,
and a lot of mini heartbreaks,
I am terrified and desperate too.
I am terrified of entering into a new relationship with the fear of losing again,
I am desperate for someone to love me like how I love them,
I am terrified of putting any hopes again with the fear of getting disappointed again,
I am desperate for someone to stay at my side and not leaving me behind.
I am terrified of the thought of someone leaving me with the fear of going back into loneliness again,
And I am desperate for the same person to be at my side,
to be in my comfort zone.

After meeting with people,
I realised how silly am I to try to control the unknown.
And how I should have just let everything go with the flow like how I always wanted it to be.
I wouldn't be mature if I dont leave this comfort zone.
I wouldn't be able to see progress if I dont brace myself for what is out there.
And because of that, I'm now mustering all my courage,
to go forward,
alone or accompanied.

Jenny~

My 25th birthday

Today is a special day for me as I am now officially 25.
I remembered how I imagined my life at 25 when I was a small girl,
getting the job I want, meeting the right guy and got married with 2 kids.
But to the younger-me, life at 25 is still amazing even though it didn't work out that way.
I got the job I wanted though it's filled with ups and downs.
I am still out there in search while enjoying my current company,
and I am not married yet with 2 kids,
but let's be optimistic bout it.

This year's celebration is also different compared to the ones I always had.
This year, I started out by watching a beautiful sunset with the best company on my birthday eve,
and had dinner (though it didn't taste as nice as its' name).
And at 5a.m., I went to the top of the hill with the best company to watch sunrise,
and ended up watching it at the wrong side, and missed it.
But I wasn't disappointed because amidst of missing it,
I was constantly accompanied and we talked about almost everything at the top of the hill.
And the best part, is I get to make a wish and blow a candle on a slice of cake right on top of the hill while waiting for the sunrise.
And I have to say it out loud here,
this is what I have always imagined and finally, it came true!

After that, we went on for breakfast and then back home to sleep.
And when I had already planned out the perfect schedule for my wonderful day,
it backfired and I didn't get to do any of the things I planned.
Massage, redeeming my reward at Starbucks, buying myself a pair of pretty shoes, watching Beauty and the Beast all over again,
All these things didn't happen and it was even raining,
I even dropped my ice-cream on the floor and luckily, none of it spilt out.
and somehow, it did make me feel really sad and down.

And at that time, my best company appeared for a rescue,
and brought me out for pizza,
and it was the best meal I had.
My big day is complete,
by ending my 24 and beginning my 25 in a new and fresh start,
getting well wishes from my colleagues, ex-classmates, friends,
and even my ex-pupils as well as my current pupils,
made my day even brighter.
I will keep this as one of the best memories I ever had.
Thanks to the one whom kept me warm at all time, and helping me go through this day with a lot of smiles and laughters.
Thanks to those who sent me wonderful and beautiful wishes, making my day even more wonderful.
And thank you to my ex-pupils and my current pupils for remembering my birthday, and made me feel that I have accomplished more than I have expected.
Thank you. *hugs and kisses*

Jenny~

Salted eggs.

Last Monday, I went to the grocery store to shop for my groceries as usual.
And one of the things that I bought was a packet of salted eggs,
and there were four of them in it.
I brought it to the counter happily, and paid for everything and drove back home.

For dinner, I was excited to cook one of the four salted eggs,
and took one,
cracked it,
and it was spoiled a little bit.
Took the second one,
cracked it,
and it was rotten,
and the smell lingered around me for quite a while.
Took the third one,
cracked it,
and it was edible, though it didn't really look like what I expected.

At that moment, my brain was smart enough to relate what had happened to the salted eggs with my love life.
My love life was like going to the grocery store and buying salted eggs,
something that I never predicted I would be doing and then, it just struck.
Meeting the first man was also like my case with the first salted egg,
Excited to meet someone who was so funny and sweet-talker,
but at the end, spoiled with his sudden-attitude.
But did I give up?
I didn't and continue with the second salted egg, which is the second guy.
And though it looks fine on the shell,
I was actually in a toxic relationship which explains the rotten salted egg.
And the smell of the rotten egg lingers,
like the pain from that relationship,
but it eventually passed away as time goes.

Did I give up?
I thought I would, but I continued to the third salted egg, the third guy.
He was average,
but someone who wasn't meant to be,
but eventually, we maintained a close friendship,
being there for each other when one is in a mess.
Just like the third salted egg,
average and edible,
but still wanting the best.

And on the following day,
I decided to crack the 4th salted egg,
and it turned out perfectly fine.
And from that, I learnt one thing.
It's all about the right timing.
Even if I found the right man,
the one who is similar as me and share the same passion and love with me,
without the right timing, things would not happen.
If I have cracked open the fine egg first, what would happen?
Will I keep cracking the others?

Life is filled with possibilities.
Love is filled with uncertainties.
And that is what makes the process interesting and memorable.
Note to self?
Don't rush into anything,
enjoy the process,
things will fall perfectly when the right timing is here,
like the 4th salted egg,
perfectly cooked.

Jenny~

Not mine

Sometimes, I feel that people around me are lucky.

Lucky because they are living the life that I wanted,

Lucky because they have what I don't have.

I remembered in my previous posts few years back,

I actually envied these people a lot,

and compared my storyline with them.

I compared my love lives with them,

whereby I always blamed my luck of not being able to be in a long term relationship,

not being able to get a boyfriend instantly,

not being able to loved and pampered by a man like others,

and not being able to feel the same treatment like all the other females.

I compared my life with them,

and eventually, I got so carried away and felt depressed.

I felt sad as I wasn't able to have the life that I have always imagined when I was a kid.

To happily get married and have kids at a young age,

to attain success in my career and become someone who is known by others,

and to be able to receive attention and love by everyone around me.

As I continue my process of growing up,

I realised how childish I was, comparing my simple life with others.

How funny it is that I want to live other's lives instead of my own,

and how foolish I am to stay in square one, complaining,

instead of advancing and make an effort to change.

Everything is set for a reason,

everything happens for a reason.

When I looked into my life and reflected,

everything is good.

I might not be popular or as successful as others yet,

but I am happy with my job and the little successes that I am attaining will slowly build up.

I might not be in a relationship right now,

but I am blessed with my family members who are one call away and my friends who are always present in my life,

I might not be married and have kids yet,

but I am patiently waiting for the moment to come.

I am thankful that I didn't rush into anything,

I am lucky that I held myself back from doing regretful actions,

and it is now time to continue this journey,

from square one to square two,

with the strength and companionship,

of the people who stood behind me.

What is not mine, will never be mine,

What is mine, will eventually be mine.

Jenny~

From the past

I believe things happen for a reason,
and people enters my life for a reason as well.
And despite how much I tried to leave the past behind,
there are times that I still looked back.

Looking back at the good times,
as well as the friends that I once had last time,
made me realise that I have not much friends left beside me after I am out in this world.
I realised that the action of totally cutting off from the past isn't the right thing to do,
and therefore, I went back to the past.
Going back to the past to pick up things that I shouldn't have left behind,
and I think I have done it right.

Contacting him back was a wise decision,
especially when I needed a man's advice on things that I have been going through.
And to be able to laugh at all the girly and silly jokes made by him,
made me realise that, sometimes, things from the past isn't made to hurt,
but it is a lesson and there are good things out from it.
With his presence back in my life,
it feels much more merrier,
whereby I know which channel to head to when I just need a good laugh.
He is someone whose like Barney,
the one who always stay at the side and cracking silly jokes,
just to annoy the hell out of me,
and yet, help me to see that this world is not only revolving around the problems I had.

I am lucky that I could still go back to the past,
and pick up things that I should't have left behind.
And, now it's time to keep moving forward,
and enough of being in the same place.
Whatever will be, will be.

Jenny~