I still remember

Honestly, it still feels weird when you are no longer here.
It feels like I am missing something when you are not around.
I still remember when we would arrive school almost at the same time,
and we parked side by side,
and seeing you sending your son off to his class makes me feel proud of your fatherly side.

I still remember how we always said "Hi" or "Good morning",
or even teasing each other whenever we passed by one another.
I still remember how I always get to have lunch with you and your son,
and we would talk about all the stuffs in Sabah,
and my own relationship issue,
and how you would advise me and give me encouragement.

I remember your height,
your voice,
your face,
and how you are as crazy and funny as all my other colleagues.
I thought we would walk along this career path for a long time,
and I even thought of inviting you to my future wedding.

But you were gone too soon.
I still remember how I was shaking and crying when I heard the news,
how I burst into tears at school when the news was mentioned again,
and how I cried again when I saw you at the most unexpected place.
Thank you for appearing in my dream the other day,
and said the last "Hi" before leaving.
I hope you are good at the other place,
and you would always be remembered in every single praise and worship session.
Because I believe that you have never left.
You still live in my memories.

Jenny.

Matchmaking

I remembered watching television in my younger times as well as now,
and watching how the female characters always get match made,
and somehow, the guy was someone cool and charming,
and thought they were match made,
somehow, one way or another,
they fell in love with one another,
and got together,
and lived happily ever after.

And I, the naive one, believed in those stuffs,
and at the most desperate moments of mine,
I asked my aunt to be my matchmaker.
And when she did become my matchmaker and introduced to a man,
I was in shock and totally rejected the guy due to how similar he resembled of a guy that I met early of the year.
But eventually, things got out of hand when my parents went and talked about it without my knowledge.

And, now I am in the match-making process whereby I have been introduced to the guy in Facebook,
and messaging through the app.
I don't know why, but my heart isn't just there.
And there are times, I wonder why am I being such a cold-hearted person.
Is it because I have locked my heart,
or maybe my heart is just at some other place?

To this guy,
if you are the one I ended up with,
then, I guess fate and destiny has their own ways to twist and turn in my life.
But if you aren't the one,
please understand that I am not the one for you,
and the one for you is out there in pursuit of you.

Jenny

It was temporary

She sat at the corner of the cafe,

watching the rain droplets racing against each other.

Today, the cafe was a little quiet,

all she could hear was soft whispers of people trying to find warmth in their cups of coffee or hot cocoa,

light footsteps of the waitress,

and the sound of the rain falling without any sign of stopping.

She looked at the piano,

and was reminded of how she thought her heart actually skipped a beat for the man who was there the other day,

she smiled to herself,

and closed her eyes.

She put her hands towards her heart,

and realised that it still beats the same.

He was not the one she was looking for.

He was not the one she was waiting for.

He was just a passer-by.

He wasn't meant to stay,

neither at the cafe or her heart.

It was just temporary.

She picked up her book, 

and stood up.

She walked towards the door, 

and without turning behind, 

she walked on and on,

towards the train station to continue her journey to the next city.

Jenny~

The unexpected fear

Last night was my cousin's wedding reception,
and I was a bit excited to attend with my family as I would be able to meet my relatives whom I haven't met for a long time.
However, it somehow turned into a stressful environment for me.
My cousin who was 34, has finally got married despite many of us thinking she wouldn't,
but I guess love has its own way to reach and touch her heart at the end of the day.

And me, as the onlooker, has a high hope of ending up like her as well no matter at what age I would be by then,
I believe that one day, I, too, would also be able to wear that wedding gown,
and walked down the aisle together with a man whom I love and loves me too.
But when my aunts started to corner me around with wedding / relationship questions,
I got a little overwhelmed to their "kindness" until I got a little stressed out because of it.

I was even stressed out when one of my aunts kept mentioning about how I should find a pure Chinese,
how I should pick guys based on their wealth,
job status,
and their "pure Chinese" label.
And when another aunt started to show me pictures of single man who was 34,
I was scared.
At that moment, I was scared of getting married or even getting committed in a long term relationship.
For the first time, I realised that I was not ready.
I was not ready to end this single life,
I was not ready to end the connection I had with him,
I was not up for it.

And that's the part where I also found out that it wasn't because the guy was not good looking,
or he was far too old for me,
but my heart isn't there.
Somehow, I have locked this little heart of mine to a place where it didn't simply beat for any guys,
where it didn't simply skipped a beat randomly on any kind of guys,
I realised I was feeling insecure.
I found that I am only ready for that one man,
who I knew I am ready for once he popped out the question,
who I knew would be my perfect fit.

And until that day comes,
I really hope that my love life would only be in my own control,
and no one else.
As I am the one who would be living with the guy of my choice for the rest of my life,
and I couldn't bear to surrender it to someone who couldn't make me say yes in the first place.

Jenny~

Skipped a beat

She was on a new train heading to her next destination,

it has been a while she didn't take out her diary and she started writing.

She wrote about the new experience that she obtained during her stopover in several small towns,

and how she met new people who made her smile,

laughed and enjoyed her times exploring the little towns.

She looked outside and can't wait to reach the new destination.

As the train stopped, she walked down and was greeted with familiar smiles,

she took her suitcase and headed over a nearby cafe,

she entered the cafe,

and a soft piano music started playing behind her as she walked towards her seat.

It was her favourite song.

She turned her head,

and it was someone she once knew a long time ago.

They looked at one another and smiled.

She sat at her place,

and her heart skipped a beat.  

She smiled, looked towards the sky,

and anticipate the unexpected.

Jenny~

Travel

Travelling is something that I am anticipating,
and something that I haven't been able to do just yet due to my career, studies and restrictions from my family.
Travelling is something that I look forward to,
something that I wish to be able to do with my closest friends,
or with my future sweetheart,
and able to create more beautiful memories together.

The second half of the year have been a busy year whereby I was required to fly to and from KL for career and studies purposes,
and during these flight trips,
I wondered to myself,
how do people that are required to travel one place to another on work purposes could manage the hectic life?
how do they maintain close relationship with their families and friends where most of their time are spent in the plane instead?

Somehow, I stopped wishing to have a life like that,
I guess I am already at the age whereby all I need is a home to stay in, and able to just do what I like at home,
instead of always being on the plane,
travelling from one place to another,
and missing out precious times with my family and friends.
People have been travelling around the world at a very young age,
and I am still stuck in this circle.
Though I do still feel envious when seeing them travelling with their loved ones, close friends or their sweethearts,
I was able to tell myself right now,
that time will come for me to set my wings free,
and be able to travel to places that I have always wished I would be able to be,
not on my own, but with people that I know would create moments that I would remember and cherish for a long time.

Until then, let's spend some time for myself,
to know and love myself more through little things,
and never ever compare my life with someone else's,
because no one could live my life to the fullest but me.
Travel can wait, but time with family and friends can't.

Jenny~