Little hope

Words.
There are words that once said, it can give a huge relief and a sense of comfort.
There are words that once said, it can give a huge sadness and a sense of regret.

I have just finished watching another short series on Netflix, "The Victims Game".
I stumbled upon it accidentally while searching for something to keep me occupied when I came across it.
After watching all the 8 episodes in two days, I actually gained new perspectives on lives as well as the impact of people's words on our lives when not taken correctly.

I realised that pain and suffering could cause someone to do drastic actions,
and even having the ability to twist one's thoughts and mindsets into thinking that they are helping,
but in reality, they are actually killing someone through words.

I learn that when someone is already at the verge of self harm,
all they need is a little more hope.
A little more strength from everyone around them,
to push them to go on living.

Choosing to die in order to escape from hurt and pain from the reality might seem to be the easiest option.
But seeing your closest ones and your family break down,
grieves and cry endlessly with regrets of not being able to help,
or to lend a hand to pull you through all those dark thoughts are something that they will carry throughout their times living in this world.

After watching the series,
I realised that there are people around us who we might see as okay or happy from the outside,
these are the people who needs words of comfort,
words of support,
and hope.
They are the ones who might be hiding in those dark corners,
unable to overcome their pain and suffering,
and eventually feeling helpless,
and chose death to free themselves.
These are the people that we need to lend our hands to.
They are the ones who we always tell them to, "be strong", "don't think so much", "you're going to be fine", "you think so much" and "everyone is going through the same thing".
Those are the words that only made them smile,
while thinking that no one would know how much struggles they went through,
how much anxiety, fear, pain as well as their struggles to wake up and go through another day.

The feeling of waking up every morning,
going to work without any feelings,
and heading back home,
crying in darkness,
feeling helpless,
unable to tell anyone what we are facing,
thinking that we can't be helped anymore.
It is truly dark and horrifying being in that position.

And I believe that all of us could do a small part to help one another.
Be there for one another,
Understand what they truly need,
Listen with your heart,
And be at their side while giving strength and support.
All they need is a little more strength and hope to go on living.

Be strong.
We can make it through the darkest time and the darkest place together.
Jen.

Things you shouldn't say.

Things that you shouldn't say to a person who is struggling emotionally inside.

When someone tries to talk to you about their feelings,

you shouldn't tell him/her that he/she is the cause of your headache.

That what he/she is feeling or thinking right now is causing you frustrated.

You should never make it as if its that person's fault for feeling that way or thinking that way.

You do not know the damage that you have done to your other half.

It is not easy trying to be strong emotionally and physically.

We can hit the gym or do all sorts of workouts to make us physically strong,

but it is different when it comes to emotional well being.

You can see someone's wound physically,

but you will never be able to see someone's wound when it is inside their heart.

He/she might be smiling,

but inside, no one knows what kind of monster is being created.

How much fury and frustrations that he/she is feeling,

which would lead to negative thoughts and eventually, self harm.

I knew how it feels,

because I am in it.

No one knows how scary it is when I get anxiety or panic attacks middle of the night.

No one knows how scary it is when I can't even speak out during those attacks.

No one would understand the fear that I am still experiencing from time to time,

and how much I tried to calm myself during those attacks.

It isn't like I could control it,

nor could I defeat it at one go.

All I need is someone who could listen to me,

who could tell me that I am okay,

that I am not sick,

that everything is going to be okay.

Someone who said it not out of impatience,

but because he/she knows how it feels when those attacks are happening.

It takes just a few minutes to sit and listen.

Those few minutes would meant a lot to those including myself who is still in this battle.

Please don't blame or make us feel that we are at fault for feeling such ways.

It was never our decision to develop such feelings and fears.

We are frustrated as well,

and we also want to be free and positive like you.

Lend your ears,

Be at one another's sides during these difficult times,

and assure us that everything is going to be okay.

Everything is going to be okay.

Jen. 

To all the boys/man I loved.

This is an open letter to all the boys/man that I have fallen in and out of love with.
If you are reading this and somehow could feel that it is about you,
then it might be you I am writing for.
Here goes.

To S,
You are the first boy who spoke to me,
and was the nicest person throughout my high school years.
You were the funniest, kindest, smartest and most importantly, most popular of all,
and I was charmed by how nice you were.
I remember the little lunch box you made for me in exchange for mine,
I also remember the dance we had during our trip,
because those were my first-times and I am grateful as well as thankful that we are still friends till now.
Thank you for continuously inspiring me and pushing me to move forward,
Thank you for seeing the talent in me and telling me to pursue towards the right direction.
Though I have fallen out of love long time ago on you,
thank you for still being the nicest friend till today.

To G.
You were the first person that was really nice to me during my early years in training college.
The memories with you were quite blurry by now,
but all I remembered was that you were really sweet to me,
always saying sweet things,
always calling me up and seeing one another from the opposite block,
However, things ended when you seem to not want to recognize me even as a friend in public,
things also ended with your baggage of emotions with your roommate,
as well as how fast you moved on and made new friends with my own batchmates.
I wonder how is that bottle of stars that I made you is by now.
Are you still keeping it or maybe has it already ended up in the dumpsite?
Nevertheless, thank you for being the first person to say sweet stuffs to me.
Thank you for being the first person to make me feel warm during the early days of my training session.
Thank you for making me realise that I had and always been a help centre for nearly every guy I met.

To C.
You were the first boy I had a relationship with.
The first one who I called my boyfriend.
The first one who I had my first kiss, spending time holding hands and going off for dates as frequently as possible.
The first one who surprised me during my birthday by appearing out of nowhere despite saying that you were not able to come.
Things ended when both sides were at fault.
I, being too clingy, and you, being unable to recognize me as your girlfriend in public,
me, moving too fast and wanted a stable relationship and you, wanting to have an one-off fling.
Nevertheless, thank you for allowing me to feel how it is being in and out of love during those two years.
Thank you for the warmth and always being at my side.
Thank you for making me realise that I am indeed too good for you.
And I wish you abundance of happiness with your current partner.

To B.
You were actually the first man who made my heart fluttered during my earliest day in training institute.
You were the first one who made me smiled all the time with how shy you looked at me,
You were the first one who would constantly scanning and searching the room for me,
and always tried to wait for me to make eye contact with,
You were also the one who made me always waiting for outing days so I could go out,
and see you.
You were also the one who would always waited till 5pm for me,
and would always search for opportunity to see me and say hi with your sparkling eyes and shy smiles.
You were also the one tha made me screamed in my heart whenever I got the chance to see you once more.
You were the one who I remembered all the memories with clearly.
However, as time passed and I had to leave, I was sad to leave without seeing you one more time.
But thank you for appearing one last time during what was supposed to be my saddest day and talked to me,
and telling me that you feel like you need to be there because you feel that I needed you.
You were the only memory that I wish to remember for a long time and I still wish I could see you again.
Thank you for appearing in my life during my training days.
Thank you for always looking for me and saying hi while smiling to me shyly.
Thank you for being the hot guy that actually looked for the nerdy me.
Thank you for making me realise that the man I am looking for is someone like you.

Last but not least.
To L.
You were the one person that I thought I have found my happy ending with.
You were the first man I went to the beach with and witnessed the beautiful sunset with.
You were the first man who opened the door for me and led me to my seats regardless in restaurants or cinemas.
You were the first man who I really wished to be married to and have a wonderful family with.
You were the first man whom I went on a trip with and not embarrassed to introduce to my best friend.
You were the first man who tried your very best to get what I wanted at the moment.
You were the first person who brought me up to a hill, sitting there with a cake and celebrated my birthday while waiting for the sunrise.
You were the first person who gave me meaningful presents especially the poem.
And you were the first person that I made a book and bookmarks for despite not having creativity skills.
But things ended with both of us at fault.
Me, being too clingy, needy and insecure, and you, who still didn't know what you want in your future.
Me, the one who wanted to settle down, and you, who wanted to be free.
Me, the one who always seek for your attention, and you, who left me in blue ticks.
And you, who seek me as your help centre and unable to recognize me in the public.
Nevertheless, thank you for the good memories.
Thank you for all the things that you have done for me,
and thank you for making me felt loved at one particular time.
Thank you for making me realise that I have loved the same pattern of guys all my life,
and thank you for making me realise that I deserve someone better.
I wish you all the happiness with your current partner.

That's it.
Time to move forward.
May all the boys/man I loved before have found their own happy endings.
And may I, too, be able to find my own happy ending soon.

Jen.

28.

2 days ago, I celebrated my 28th birthday at home due to the current MCO.
It was a day filled with kind thoughts and wishes from my pupils, friends and my colleagues.
Thank you for the wishes and may all those wishes come true soon.
Thank you to my bestie for sending a surprise all the way from Sri Aman despite me knowing it beforehand.
28 means its time to change.
Time to scrap off the old sensitive Jenny,
and reinforce the strong willed Jenny.
Time to stop caring too much about other people's feelings,
and start caring about myself more.
Time to stop being around people who don't appreciate you,
but be around positive people that brings out the goodness in you.
Time to stop trying to please everyone and caring about their feelings,
but do your thing correctly.
Time to look upon those with power,
and time to take care of myself in terms of career.

Time to renew myself.

Jen~

I am a teacher.

I am a teacher. 

I remember when my former teachers asked me what was my ambition,

I told them that I wanted to be a lawyer, and then, eventually, I changed my ambition into being a teacher.

I remember how I always have my own "tuition class" with my sister when she was still little and with my toys.

I always have books with me and I would be teaching them like how I saw my teachers teaching me.

I would get ready books as their workbooks and checked their works as well as guide them to do it.

When I entered secondary school and the same question was asked to me,

I told my teachers and my counselling teacher that I wanted to be a teacher.

Most of my teachers disagreed and told me that I could do much better than that, 

and that my talent is not in teaching, but in other fields.

I smiled and held on to my ambition.

After high school, I applied to different types of public university as well as teacher training college thanks to my counselling teacher who told me about it.

I was rejected from all those choices and was left awaiting for the decision from the teacher training college.

I nearly ended up becoming a forced accountant but thank God, I was accepted for an interview and eventually, accepted to a teacher training college in Keningau, Sabah.

And began my 5 and a half journey of wonderful, bittersweet and lesson-filled experiences that built me to be me now. 

After ending my training, I was posted to SK Miri and I have been here ever since.

I am grateful that I have stick to my ambition and chased after what I wanted since I was a child.

I was happy that I am finally a teacher and that I was able to do things that I love, 

to teach pupils and to see them transform into someone new.

This is my 5th year of teaching and my pupils have changed me every year.

From someone who strives for perfection in terms of results,

into someone who tries to build good rapport and relationship with my pupils first before results.

From someone who tries so hard,

into someone who acknowledge the limits of certain pupils and always trying new ways to help them.

Indeed, failure and disappointments are nothing new to me,

but it was these elements that kept me going on and on.

There are times when I was down and tired of doing the same old routine,

but the next day, I am still grateful that I am a teacher.

As for now, MCO is still happening and we still can't go back to school for our duty.

All I hope for is for the virus to disappear and MCO be lifted up,

so that I could go back to my favourite job.

Because I miss teaching and I miss my kids a lot.

Jenny~

Soulmate

Soulmate.

It's like a best friend, but more.

It's the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else.

It's someone who makes you a better person,

well, actually they don't make you a better person,

you do that yourself because they inspire you.

A soulmate is someone who you carry with you forever.

It's the one person who knew you,

and accepted you,

and believed in you before anyone else did,

or when no one else would.

And no matter what happens,

you'll always love them.

They say those who found their soulmates and end up getting together are the happiest,

and the ones who found their soulmates in the wrong timing and went apart are the saddest.

And it is true.

No matter how you try to not remember,

you still remember each and every words that your once-a-soulmate told you,

the way he/she makes you feel that you can conquer the world with him/her by your side.

Yes, you will still remember each event,

each incident,

each smiles and laughter over things that only both of you knew so well,

and how both of you are so similar with one another.

You will remember all this no matter how much you try to avoid.

No matter how much you say you hate it or angry with it,

it is stuck with you,

because after all, he or she is or was once your soulmate.

Jenny~

A new perspective

Few weeks ago, I have been in contact with a man,
and we were hitting it off quite well,
until one day, I replied with an emoticon and that's it.

During those conversations, I realised that we do not have much in common.
And deep inside, I also realised that this isn't what I want after all.
I know that I am way over the fluttering kind of feelings,
but this doesn't even spark any interest from me.
I don't feel excited.
I don't feel attached to it,
and I am sorry to say that he doesn't fit in my future.

The idea of being stuck to one place,
pacing back and forth between moving or not moving,
talking about being too old to chase after dreams and going after what he really wants in life,
not caring about own well-being or at least try to eat good food,
and talking about depending on me to make it,
those are the things that actually make me reconsider,
reconsider whether or not I should go on with this conversation,
or just put a full stop to it.

I realised that at this current age, I do not wish to settle with any guys.
I want to settle with someone who already knows how to take care of himself,
I want to settle with someone who is already doing things that he wants to do,
I want to settle with someone who does his stuffs while knowing that I am here,
I want to settle with the best.

I know I have no rights to make any choice as I don't have any choices around me.
But it seems to me that my heart wants the best.
I can't imagine myself settling down with a man who doesn't know how to take care of himself,
with a man who only knows how to complain and not making any effort to improve himself,
with a man who clings on to me too much,
with a man who I couldn't imagine a future with.

I guess this is a new side of me.
I guess living alone and managing myself on my own has grew on me,
and yes, I am looking for the best.
And I hope he is still out there.

Jenny~