To all the boys/man I loved.

This is an open letter to all the boys/man that I have fallen in and out of love with.
If you are reading this and somehow could feel that it is about you,
then it might be you I am writing for.
Here goes.

To S,
You are the first boy who spoke to me,
and was the nicest person throughout my high school years.
You were the funniest, kindest, smartest and most importantly, most popular of all,
and I was charmed by how nice you were.
I remember the little lunch box you made for me in exchange for mine,
I also remember the dance we had during our trip,
because those were my first-times and I am grateful as well as thankful that we are still friends till now.
Thank you for continuously inspiring me and pushing me to move forward,
Thank you for seeing the talent in me and telling me to pursue towards the right direction.
Though I have fallen out of love long time ago on you,
thank you for still being the nicest friend till today.

To G.
You were the first person that was really nice to me during my early years in training college.
The memories with you were quite blurry by now,
but all I remembered was that you were really sweet to me,
always saying sweet things,
always calling me up and seeing one another from the opposite block,
However, things ended when you seem to not want to recognize me even as a friend in public,
things also ended with your baggage of emotions with your roommate,
as well as how fast you moved on and made new friends with my own batchmates.
I wonder how is that bottle of stars that I made you is by now.
Are you still keeping it or maybe has it already ended up in the dumpsite?
Nevertheless, thank you for being the first person to say sweet stuffs to me.
Thank you for being the first person to make me feel warm during the early days of my training session.
Thank you for making me realise that I had and always been a help centre for nearly every guy I met.

To C.
You were the first boy I had a relationship with.
The first one who I called my boyfriend.
The first one who I had my first kiss, spending time holding hands and going off for dates as frequently as possible.
The first one who surprised me during my birthday by appearing out of nowhere despite saying that you were not able to come.
Things ended when both sides were at fault.
I, being too clingy, and you, being unable to recognize me as your girlfriend in public,
me, moving too fast and wanted a stable relationship and you, wanting to have an one-off fling.
Nevertheless, thank you for allowing me to feel how it is being in and out of love during those two years.
Thank you for the warmth and always being at my side.
Thank you for making me realise that I am indeed too good for you.
And I wish you abundance of happiness with your current partner.

To B.
You were actually the first man who made my heart fluttered during my earliest day in training institute.
You were the first one who made me smiled all the time with how shy you looked at me,
You were the first one who would constantly scanning and searching the room for me,
and always tried to wait for me to make eye contact with,
You were also the one who made me always waiting for outing days so I could go out,
and see you.
You were also the one who would always waited till 5pm for me,
and would always search for opportunity to see me and say hi with your sparkling eyes and shy smiles.
You were also the one tha made me screamed in my heart whenever I got the chance to see you once more.
You were the one who I remembered all the memories with clearly.
However, as time passed and I had to leave, I was sad to leave without seeing you one more time.
But thank you for appearing one last time during what was supposed to be my saddest day and talked to me,
and telling me that you feel like you need to be there because you feel that I needed you.
You were the only memory that I wish to remember for a long time and I still wish I could see you again.
Thank you for appearing in my life during my training days.
Thank you for always looking for me and saying hi while smiling to me shyly.
Thank you for being the hot guy that actually looked for the nerdy me.
Thank you for making me realise that the man I am looking for is someone like you.

Last but not least.
To L.
You were the one person that I thought I have found my happy ending with.
You were the first man I went to the beach with and witnessed the beautiful sunset with.
You were the first man who opened the door for me and led me to my seats regardless in restaurants or cinemas.
You were the first man who I really wished to be married to and have a wonderful family with.
You were the first man whom I went on a trip with and not embarrassed to introduce to my best friend.
You were the first man who tried your very best to get what I wanted at the moment.
You were the first person who brought me up to a hill, sitting there with a cake and celebrated my birthday while waiting for the sunrise.
You were the first person who gave me meaningful presents especially the poem.
And you were the first person that I made a book and bookmarks for despite not having creativity skills.
But things ended with both of us at fault.
Me, being too clingy, needy and insecure, and you, who still didn't know what you want in your future.
Me, the one who wanted to settle down, and you, who wanted to be free.
Me, the one who always seek for your attention, and you, who left me in blue ticks.
And you, who seek me as your help centre and unable to recognize me in the public.
Nevertheless, thank you for the good memories.
Thank you for all the things that you have done for me,
and thank you for making me felt loved at one particular time.
Thank you for making me realise that I have loved the same pattern of guys all my life,
and thank you for making me realise that I deserve someone better.
I wish you all the happiness with your current partner.

That's it.
Time to move forward.
May all the boys/man I loved before have found their own happy endings.
And may I, too, be able to find my own happy ending soon.

Jen.