October

Hi everyone.

It's been quite some time that I have not been updating what I have been doing all this while.

So, let's start.

I have finally received my Surat Tamat Pengajian for my Masters and I am super glad to say that I am currently on my way for my convocation which will be held next year.

Hopefully it will be conducted safely due to the current situation.

Besides that, career wise, a lot have happened and despite the free time that I have been enjoying,

I am proud to inform all of you that I have received my APC (Anugerah Perkhidmatan Cemerlang) last month.

It was an achievement to me and I am glad that all my hard works were appreciated through such incentives.

And all of this wouldn't have happened if my administrators as well as my colleagues were being so supportive and helpful at all times.

Besides that, I have been actively helping out my PK1 in her duties for the sake of knowledge and also participated in an action research campaign organised by the local educational office.

So yeah, career has been smooth sailing and I have been enjoying the free time that was given to me this year right after completing 2 years of hectic double lives as student and a teacher.

Life.

Life is full of surprises.

And one of the surprises is that I have eventually decided to lose weight.

The journey of losing weight started back on July whereby colleagues as well as officers have often mistaken me as a mom with kids due to my body image.

I was low in confidence and barely could fit in my clothes as well as dresses anymore.

And I was determined to shed off those weights.

And now October, I am glad to say that from 72kg, I have managed to reduce to 65kg after maintaining a series of workout routines at home as well as at school during PJ lessons.

I was able to control my diet and reduce my carbs intake during my meals.

Though it was really difficult to say no and there were times where I succumbed to temptation of eating fried food and sweet stuffs, 

all it takes is to workout extra and start dieting the next day again.

And now, I am feeling much more confident with myself and am ready to go out to meet new people right after Covid-19 is over.

Aside from that, I have started my prayer routine at night time.

All thanks to a friend who reached out to me and requested me to join Christeen to grow in faith.

It's been a while but I have always wanted to be involved with church but not knowing how.

And all it takes was a little push and there I was, in my first meeting with the members.

It was fun and despite me not knowing anything there, I had the urge to be involved in the planning for activities in 2021.

I have also tried my best to continue to have conversation with God every night before sleep.

I acknowledge that it's been quite some time of not having a heart to heart conversation with God.

And I hope that it's not too late to start all over again.

Pray for me everyone that I would be able to be strong and maintain my pace in my spiritual growth.

Last but not least, relationships.

Just when I thought that this year could be the year for me to meet new people and maybe strike a new relationship, Covid hits and there you go.

Zero progress in relationships.

But I guess this may be the sign that I should take this time to prepare myself again physically, emotionally and spiritually for any future relationship.

I remember reading an article about prayers seeking for the other half,

and one line strikes a chord in my heart.

It says that God always has a plan for us.

He will always lead our other half to us in the best season and in the best timing.

And all we need to do is continue to pray and believe in His plans,

which is something that I am currently doing right now.

I believe that He is sending my other half to me now,

and all I need to do is to prepare myself and to continue to believe in Him.

I believe that all of the things that I was put into in this life is leading me to him,

and all I need to do is to believe in His best timing.

And that's what I am doing now.

So, I guess that's all the updates that I owe for almost 3 months.

Oh yeah, I also bought a virtual ticket the other day to watch BTS MOTS: One concert,

and it was worth every penny!

And they are currently preparing their new album BE so don't forget to support them as well.

And if there are any ARMY from Malaysia who might read this blog post, can you drop me a comment on how to pre-order their new album as apparently Weverse Shop don't deliver to Malaysia.

Borahae, ARMY!

Forgive me for my fangirling despite being at this age.

This is the only thing that entertains me day by day.

Love,

Jenny~

Hello July.

July.

A new month filled with surprises.

Well, let's start with a not-so-nice surprise.

I texted one of the officers in UKM to ask about the status of my name as in whether or not it's in the list for the upcoming senate meeting.

Apparently, all our names must be in the list for the meeting in which the board will determine whether these names are qualified for graduation next year.

And as confident as I was, I thought that my name is already in the list as I have completed all the requirements that were needed.

And the officer said that my name was not listed in it.

Dumbfounded, I asked her what does she mean by that when I have everything done and submitted before the deadline.

And as usual, I was referred to another officer through email and when I emailed her my condition, the only response I got was,

Noted. Thank you.

What?

So right now, I am keeping my finger-crossed that my name will be eventually processed and submitted in the list before the meeting.

Moving on, school is re-opening in two weeks time for the upper primary and another 2 more weeks for the lower primary.

And somehow, I had mixed feelings about it.

I am excited to meet my pupils back especially those who have been really cooperative and always participating in our google meet session.

However, the idea of meeting those Year 6 boys who apparently ignored my homeworks and left the group created mainly to reach them somehow makes me wish that school is closed for a little while.

But, I am ready to jump back into teaching mode.

Being stuck at home for almost 4 months has given me more than enough rest,

and also made me reconsider my life choices for the future.

So, its time to get back to work and work harder.

Last but not least, I have received a letter of recognition from the educational office.

Apparently, I was selected to receive APC (Anugerah Perkhidmatan Cemerlang or also known as Excellent Service Award) in my school.

And honestly, I am grateful to be chosen as one of the recipients.

But I wish that people would not judge my works as well as my efforts as trying to win this award.

For me, this award actually doesn't mean much to me.

It is just a piece of certificate and monetary incentive to reward the service that I have poured in my career.

And honestly speaking, without the opportunities given by both my previous and current headmasters, 

I would not be able to learn as well as provide my service.

And without the help of my colleagues who have always been helping out from day one I was posted ot that school, I would not be able to reach this far.

Therefore, this award should be shared to all of them as without them, 

I would not be able to show my capabilities and provide my service to the school as well as my pupils.

And that's all for now.

Stay tuned for more updates soon!

Jenny~

BTS. ARMY. 7th Anniversary.

I remember when BTS debuted way back in 2013 and I was in IPG at that time,

with very limited Internet connection in hostel and not knowing Youtube at the time, 

BTS was a name that was not very known by me.

I came across their music video on "Boy In Luv",

and I was mesmerized with their choreography as well as the members.

At that time, my bias was Jin. 

But that's it.

I was then fans of several other Kpop idols and the main reason of liking them was on how they looked.

Fast forward to 2017.

The year where I was struggling to keep myself afloat.

The year where I experienced dark thoughts and painful moments,

The year where my emotional side decided to take a twist,

The year where I cried the most due to insecurity,

and the year where I somehow lost myself to the wild.

I was left with no support, and nearing depression before I snapped out of it.

I remembered seeing counsellor about it,

and tried my best to stay strong while being fragile inside,

and that was when I came across BTS in my recommendation list in Youtube.

I remembered watching their "Fake Love" music video,

and I was mesmerized by the song as well as the music video.

I went and find the translation before realizing that the song clearly reflected what I was going through at that time.

I couldn't stop myself from listening to the song,

and that was when I started to fall in love with this group.

I started to listen to each and every song from their earlier albums,

I read the theories of their songs and was strengthened by each of the lyrics that depict their struggles,

as well as the conflicts that arise in their life.

Until one day, "Epiphany" was released.

I was excited as usual.

But before knowing it, I broke down in tears listening to the song.

Each line hits me hard and eventually helped me to open my eyes.

"I'm the one that I should love."

It was this song that transformed my life.

It was this song that kickstart my journey in life as an Army.

And it was this song that helped me to combat negativity and continuously move on in life.

And the rest is history.

Seeing them in tears make me feel the sadness too.

Seeing them cry on stage at the end of every era made me in tears as well.

BTS has saved me from darkness.

Their songs have pulled me out from pit of darkness and helped me to move on.

Each and every one of them are special and unique in their own ways,

just like me and you.

And their passion as well as their professionalism is something that I admire and respect.

And I want to be like them.

Always love myself, and try to be the light and bring comfort for others.

I wish to go to their concert someday and experience their love to us one day, 

and quietly wish them all the happiness no matter what happen in the future.

Thank you for bringing warmth to us.

Thank you for bringing happiness to us despite all the trials that you have went through and still going through.

Thank you for bringing comfort to us at the times when we need it the most.

Thank you for reminding us to love ourselves first before loving someone else.

Thank you for all the beautiful songs that brought tears to us.

Thank you for not giving up on us today.

Thank you, BTS.

Jenny, an Army(2017 - forever)~

Changing myself for someone?

The other day, a friend of mine was texting me and we talked about how I thought of going further in my career.

I told her my intention of getting a PhD and move forward to IPG for my career,

as I feel that I can go further in my career,

but the worries and anxiety of not being able to find the love of my life if I really go down that path trouble me till today.

That is when she said that why guys can't accept smart women or those who are able to make decisions themselves,

and often go for naive, innocent and weak girls  who submit to them and need their protection at all times.

This caught my attention which I thought of sharing my views on this matter.

I have changed myself for the sake others,

either to be liked by someone or when in a relationship.

I changed into someone who submit fully to them,

who let them make decisions for me,

who was clingy, naive and innocent,

and it backfired.

None of these guys stayed and all left,

and this made me wonder.

Why?

I changed.

I became that type of girl that you liked.

I tried to like the same things that you liked,

and you still left?

Some of my friends said that I should be myself.

Some of them told me to change some of my attributes,

try to be softer and nicer,

and it was frustrating to be someone that I am not.

I couldn't last for 3 days before my real personality comes out.

And it sucks that till today, I couldn't find someone who could accept me for who I am.

Just because I too my Masters and planning on PhD does not mean that I am smarter than you.

Just because I want to advance in my career doesn't mean that I am at the top and you are not qualify in my list.

I always thought that we girls are the most complicated human beings on Earth,

but right now, I think that guys are the worst.

If you have feelings for someone initially, then continue to pursue someone.

Don't pursue someone halfway and realised that you do not have any feelings towards her, 

and then, make her fall in love with you and then, breaking her heart.

It is because of these occurrences that made me stop thinking and pursuing for love and relationship.

I hate playing the push and pull game in love.

I hate being given so much hopes and eventually, ending in nothing.

I hate changing myself for someone else, and eventually, he left at the end of the day.

I hate the fact that advancing my quality of life means that it's over for love and relationship because of these traditional mindsets.

So can you accept me as it is?

Can you accept this woman in her late twenties who is planning to advance her career in 2 years time?

Can you accept this woman who is clingy, insecure and seek to be your only one in life?

Can you accept her for all her physical and emotional attributes that makes you think she is confident but she isn't?

Can you accept this broken soul?

Jenny~ 

Loneliness

When I was in my younger age,

I always thought loneliness refers to not having boyfriend/girlfriend.

The word "loneliness" was always related to being single,

where you obviously have no one to talk to, to share stuffs with,

someone who would be there for you during your ups and downs.

I thought that being single like me is what loneliness means.

But I was wrong.

At the current moment, I am still single and have yet to meet any suitable suitors to imagine myself to be married to.

But almost all my friends are already married or having kids,

and at times, I do envy them but at the same time, feeling relieved that I am not yet like them.

My best friend, who is now a new mom and is into the marriage for almost 3 years,

shared her feelings of being married,

in which she tried to tell her husband about her feelings and what is going through,

to receive a response, "what do you want me to do then?"

I was shocked.

As a husband, your most beloved person is trying to tell you her frustrations,

sharing her problems in exchange of some comfort words from you,

and getting such a response is a no-no.

I was sad for her, to be honest.

But I kept quiet and told her that I am angry for her sake. 

This is not how things should go in a marriage.

You should not come back home and tell someone whom you married for love that you are too tired to hear her troubles,

that you are having a difficult time yourself to manage and having to hear your other half's problems are causing you a headache.

That is what the worst type of loneliness occur to someone.

Someone who was supposed to be held on by their other half, but left hanging on her own while troubled by all kinds of new burdens at home and at work.

And I reflected on myself.

The loneliness that I went through and is still going on is nothing if compared to those who are experiencing loneliness in a relationship and in a marriage.

Not having someone to share my ups and downs doesn't seem so bad if compared to those who are being denied to be listened to.

Not having someone to feel the kind of warmth or love doesn't seem so bad if compared to those who are not experiencing love and warmth despite having their other halves beside them.

Being single and lonely seems to be better than being with someone and yet, lonely.

To those who are experiencing such loneliness,

you are not alone.

Somewhere, someone is experiencing the same thing,

and there will always be someone like me who understands.

and no matter if I know you or not,

I am here for you.

Jenny~

Future plans

Finally, my article has been published in an e-proceeding!

Well, I was supposed to present it in a conference on March,

but due to Covid-19 which causes MCO to be placed for weeks, 

I was unable to do so.

Instead, I was asked to do a recording of my presentation and submitted it online.

And wait.

The waiting part was both anxious and worrying as our names are going to be discussed on August,

in order to determine whether we are qualify or not to graduate by the end of the year.

However, graduation has been postponed to early 2021 due to Covid-19.

And thankfully, I received an email today that informed us that our papers has been published,

and our names have been submitted by our supervisors t e-repository in UKM.

And not, waiting for it to be processed as soon as possible so we can submit our completiion form,

and finally, road to convocation with ease!

So what's in store for the future?

A lot of my colleagues as well as my friends have been pushing me to go further,

to attain PhD as I am already halfway there.

And I have been putting off that idea for the sake of really enjoying my life.

I want to spend some time on myself,

bringing my family and myself to somewhere, and really make good memories together.

I want to work hard in my career,

able to bring knowledge and light to my pupils' lives.

But the longer I stayed at home during MCO and MCOC,

the more I thought about what I really wanted in the future.

And I realised that I do not want to be a primary school teacher for the rest of my life.

I wanted more.

I wanted to go higher and continue to prove my capability to others,

I want to make full use of my ability and make a difference,

a significant difference,

I want to teach people,

in particular, future generations who aspired to be a teacher,

that they are the ones who should go all the way out there to make an impact,

like what I have been taught back in IPG.

I want more.

And I'm not settling for less.

Jenny.

Current update

So, basically, I have been stuck at home for almost 2 months due to the current MCO as well CMCO.

And honestly, being at home for quite some time has been taking tolls on my mental health.

Previously, I had anxiety attacks and sudden pain as well as panic attacks at nights, 

which causes a disturbed sleeping pattern.

I would wake up in the middle of the night,

feeling panic and unable to breathe properly,

and having the fear of falling back to sleep again.

And because of that, I decided to make some changes in my life.

I decided to get engaged with exercise routine.

And I am really glad that I did.

I have been starting slow as I am not an exercise lover,

and it has helped with my anxiety a lot.

I started to sleep better,

less waking up in the middle of the night,

and less panic attacks.

I didn't realise the improvement until I stopped my exercise routine due to period.

And all the anxiety and panic attacks slowly emerge again,

which dawns on me that all the exercise routine is indeed helping me out.

And finger-crossed,

that all the exercise routines that I have been saving will eventually help me to combat my anxiety.

I really hope that it will disappear slowly,

and eventually, enable me to improve the quality of my life.

Besides that, career wise.

I have been using virtual meetings to meet and guide my pupils from time to time,

and have been joining courses with my headmaster and senior assistants.

And honestly, it felt great and honored to be able to join those modules with them,

as the new knowledge that I have gained somehow have changed my perspective on leadership.

Previously, I wanted to stay as a teacher.

Stay in this profession to continuously guide and make impact on the children,

but somehow, as I grow older,

I realised that something must be done in the higher authorities in order to create a ripple effect on the quality of education, 

and somehow, that has pushed my ambition and drive to a higher level.

Maybe its because I am still single and not being in a relationship has caused me to put my passion into my career.

And speaking of relationship,

I somehow have sort of lose a little bit of hope in this aspect.

I do still hope to get married by 30 or eventually.

But I start to slowly imagine myself working and traveling with my family and friends, 

instead of being settled down with a significant person.

I start to imagine bringing my best friend's kids around instead of my own child.

Is it wrong to lose hope on ever settling down?

Is it wrong to slowly lose hope on ever finding the one?

With the smallest hope that I am still holding one, I do hope to meet someone and eventually settle down like everyone does.

I certainly do hope.

Jenny~