Lost

Staring outside her window,
she sighed.
These days, overwhelmed with works,
endless deadlines,
endless responsibilities that she can't run away from,
endless workloads that wasn't hers in the first place,
endless false promises that she has to endure with people around her,
making her exhausted not only physically but also mentally.

And finally, tonight she was able to sit down with her cup of coffee,
opening up her diary,
and started writing again.
Every time the train stopped at one station,
she anticipates for what to come
Every time she ran out of coffee,
she anticipates for who to come.
Every time it started to rain,
she anticipates for when it would stop.

And now, she felt empty.
Lost.
Doesn't know what her heart wants.
Doesn't know what to do with the free time given.
She just felt lost.
Tears rolled off without knowing why.
And with that,
she closed her diary,
looked up to the sky,
to find back her strength,
and her directions.

Jenny~

First Love

First Love.
Everyone has their own first love.
It's either their crush back in secondary school,
or the guy / girl that they fell in love with in college,
or some might not have experienced with first love.

I once asked my friends,
how do you know if its your first love?
I mean, some of my friends have been in multiple relationships,
while I only had one.
So how do I know if he was the one?
My friends gave me a variety of answers.
Some said, first love gives you the zing.
Some said, first love is the one that you will remember the most.
And most of them said, you will know when you experienced it.

So when I was in my first relationship, I thought that was my first love.
But I was wrong.
I did loved but he wasn't my first love.
I couldn't remember the reason why I accepted the relationship,
I guess he was also a part of experiment that went wrong.
The pain I felt was not really because of him, but because of the feelings that he subjected me to feel,
which I am thankful right now.
At least right now, I know I wouldn't repeat the same mistake.

Then, today a colleague of mine asked me about first love.
The first person that crossed my mind was, him.
The stranger.
If you have been an avid reader of my blog,
I believe I have been mentioning about this stranger for over the past years.
And believe it or not, I still could talk about all the incidents as if it had just happened.
He gave the zing that the past-nerdy-me didn't know how to face it.
He gave a hope to me,
a continuous enthusiasm,
and last but not least, a strength to me.
When he appeared during my difficult times in relationship,
he acted as my reminder.
A reminder to me that,
in the midst of darkness,
there will be a light somewhere.

And right now, my path is still cloudy.
Still walking on this path with one hope.
To search for the light.
=Guide me=

Jenny~

Blank

Relationships.

I remembered my first crush back in high school,

how I would always sneak a peek on him during class,

or during recess time in canteen.

And always daydreamed of being with him one day.

But, got my little heart shattered,

and lost my self confidence for a while back there.

Fast forward to college,

met a guy, became fast friends, called each other like every night,

giving all kinds of mixed signals,

and eventually developed feelings,

then, gone.

disappeared.

and I was treated like a joke.

Fast forward to my 3rd year of college,

met another guy, always fight, always getting morning and night messages,

complimented and finally, became a couple.

two years into relationship with sweetness in the beginning and bitterness at the end.

broke up through social media which is so uncool,

giving me stupid reasons when the truth was,

him treating me like a band-aid,

and eventually went with some other girl right in front of me,

took me a great length of time to stop myself from clinging to the past,

from mentioning about him,

from hating and despising his every single action,

and finally, accepted and totally moved on.

Final year.

Met another guy,

became totally close buddy because we shared the same pain.

Thought that this guy would be there for me as a friend,

eventually got further apart,

and now, gone.

disappeared.

And right now,

meeting someone new is scary.

developing any new tingly feelings is terrible.

After going through so much,

I don't even know what I want,

what I seek,

what I need.

Can you tell me or guide me now?

Jenny~