31.01

Today is the last day of January,

and heading into February.

A month has passed,

and yet, workloads seem to never cease.

It reaches to a point where I feel like shutting my phone,

locking myself in a room,

where there would not be any notification sounds,

no reminders,

and no alarms.

Working is exhausting.

I am exhausted physically and mentally.

No matter how I tried to look strong and happy,

inside me,

I know I am struggling.

Struggling to keep my head up,

to keep myself fighting through sadness,

loneliness,

desperation,

and disappointment.

I wish things would get better.

I wish that everything is going to be alright

eventually.

Jenny~

Every once in a while

Every once in a while,
I caught myself talking about you.
Every once a while,
I caught myself smiling when thinking of all the things we did together.

How are you?
Have life been better without me in it?
Have you found that someone who cheer you up all the time,
accompanies you to watch your favourite movies,
sing with you in the car,
making silly jokes with her awkward antics,
share food and stories with you,
and gives you the ultimate reason to be happy?
How is your health?
Have you been taking your medication?
Have you been going for further check-ups?
Have everything been going better this year for you?

I wished I have the courage to ask all these to you,
I wished I have the strength to listen to the replies of all these,
but I do not have both courage and strength to do so.

I am afraid to fall back,
I am afraid to break apart again,
and I am afraid of losing myself to you again.

Good memories never left.
Memories of you were never extinguished.
No matter how much I tried,
pieces of you are still stuck in my heart.

Jenny~

Goodbye stranger.

Candles were lit,
songs were sung,
she looked behind her,
and saw a group of people celebrating a kind of event,
a birthday.

She looked out her window,
and a thought passed by her.
It was his birthday.
A lost friend's birthday.

As she reached for her pen to write a message,
she stopped halfway.
He wouldn't remember her after all.
She is already a stranger,
a distant stranger after all.

She stared outside,
and slowly, those memories crept into her mind.
She brushed it off,
stood up,
and left her table to somewhere new.

And on her table,
she penned down,
"Happy birthday, stranger."

She walked off,
and headed to the train station.
She is determined to leave this place,
to a new place where she could build a new life,
a new hope and find new memories.
Goodbye, stranger.

Jenny.

By the window

By the window,
she sat and stared out.
The burst of colours from the fireworks,
the crowd,
the joy and celebrations out there,
and yet,
she sat by the window,
on her own,
watching everything happening in front of her eyes.

Alone,
she picked up her notebook,
stood up and walked out of the cafe.
She kept walking and walking,
away from those crowd.
She knew that is not the place she wants to be,
that is not the crowd she wants to be surrounded with,
that is not the cure for her aching heart.

As she reached a corner,
she saw a little cafe with fairy lights on,
she walked inside,
and found herself a place,
a warm place that is away from the crowds,
a place where she could be on her own,
a place where she could start collecting pieces of herself,
mending it and putting it to where it belongs,
her heart.

Jenny~

2nd week

2nd week of January, 

and I am still surrounded with loads of works that are pending due to my final exams tomorrow.

Things have been great so far,

and I didn't have enough time to think of any other things aside from work and preparing myself for exams.

There isn't much going on lately,

life has been mundane so far,

waking up in the morning,

checking messages for works or studies,

preparing myself for another round of work and teaching,

returning home,

on my bed with my phone and my playlist on repeat,

dinner, work, and sleep.

Life has been that way on repeat.

It might sound boring to you,

but this is the life that I love.

The life where overthinking doesn't have any time to kick in,

where there are no dramas to entertain,

no lingering sadness after an outing,

no anticipation and expectation equals to no heartbreaks or disappointments.

Without all those elements in life right now,

I am happy to say that life is back to square one.

Without anyone special at my side,

I am glad to say that life has been moving on really well.

Leaving the spot has been a great choice after all.

Jenny~

04.01.2019

This is going to be a late post on my New Year resolution.
Have been busy trying to catch up with workloads as well as the immense pressure of facing my final statistics exams in a couple of days.
2019 has kicked in and life has been getting busier each day.
With workloads from schools,
as well as trying to get used to being a class teacher to a bunch of kids,
and teaching after quite some time is something that I look forward to this year.

Life has been smooth sailing for now,
and I am somehow comfortable with how things are right now.
However, I knew the inner me,
deep inside,
I am still struggling to be okay.
There are a couple of times where I would just lie on my bed,
listening to songs,
and start to break down little by little.

I am not a strong person,
I am trying to be one.
I am not a happy-go-lucky kind of person,
I am struggling inside.
And there are times I don't acknowledge my pains and struggles,
instead of intoxicating myself with alcohol and drugs,
I intoxicate myself with works and studies.

And sooner or later,
I got addicted to it and couldn't run away from not doing anything.
Therefore, reflecting to my past year resolutions.
I realised that though I am indeed happy with all the events and things that happened around me,
I couldn't escape from expecting,
and at the end of the day, expectation does hurt but this time, it only hurts a bit.
I also realised that I couldn't stop myself from eating,
thus, explains the weight gain where I am shocked to see myself right now,
and intermittent fasting is something that I am training myself to do in order to cut down some weights.
And last but not least, I tried to enjoy each day as it passes,
and I realised that with the help of my colleagues and my pupils, each day passes really fast,
and I missed them all right now.

Therefore, my 2019 New Year resolutions would be as follows:
1. To work hard in both my career and studies.
2. To pick up a dance class for the sake of my career
3. To be happy regardless of what happens throughout the year.
4. To be less troubled with matters that are out of my control

May this year be a better year than before, and will produce extraordinary results by the end of the year!

Jenny~