Anxiety disorder

I believe in one of my old post that I have mentioned about this disorder that I had when I was in secondary school.
I still remember telling my mom that I was facing difficulty to breathe,
and I have to take deep breaths for a couple of time in order to breathe properly,
We all thought that it as my heart which might have some issues,
but little did we know that I was suffering from mild anxiety.
At that time, we couldn't identify the trigger,
but the doctor who treated me told my mom that it might due to hidden stress in studies,
and gave me several medicine to help me calm down.

And I thought that was the end.
But it wasn't.
Anxiety has suddenly became my shadow and it worsened when I was in IPG.
When sudden death of my batch mate has caused me unable to sleep for nights,
breaking out into sweats and couldn't breathe,
I realised that I was going into panic attacks.
Eventually, I had to go to a clinic to get a check,
and the doctor again told me that I was having mild anxiety disorder.

When he investigated the trigger,
he realised that the trigger was on my batch mate sudden death,
and although we weren't close,
his case has triggered my panic attacks and intense fears.
The only way to cure it was to take my mind off from it,
by treating myself to something better and take time to accept the fact.

After knowing that I had anxiety and the trigger,
I tried my best to keep it at fix and avoid from reading any news that could trigger it again.
And I thought I had eventually moved past it.
But before I knew it, it crept back during my working life.
And the worse part was when it was entangled with intense sadness.
I remembered lying down in the darkness,
crying my eyes out for no reason,
listening to songs and crying.
Not wanting to be at school, crying in the toilet and counselling room,
unable to control my mood swings and anger outbreaks,
and eventually, I had to force myself to meet my counselor to seek for help.
That was the darkest moments where I was not mentally healthy and physically unwell.

Eventually, I decided to take Masters as a way to get over overthinking as well as curing my heartbreak.
Those two years of taking Masters were the only times when I was truly happy and free.
Where anxiety had slowly disappeared from my life as I was too preoccupied with works and deadlines.
However, the sudden death of my colleagues has again triggered my anxiety.
Though I was able to accept his passing and bawled myself out,
seeing him for the last time in real world and in my dream has helped me to accept the fact.

So I thought.
This year, 2020.
I was again getting panic attacks and anxiety from time to time.
As I diagnosed myself, I thought all of this was due to the workloads that I have been working upon.
But it wasn't.
The real trigger was the sudden death of a celebrity,
which was closely related to my previous colleague.
And from there, I realised that I wasn't able to move past the incident.
However, after knowing the trigger, I was able to slowly recover from it.

The main reason of this long post is to tell everyone whose reading this,
that anxiety is something that we can't be fully cured.
It follows us like our shadow,
and no matter how much people tell us to not overthink,
what matters the most is by offering your time to listen and just be there for us.
It's not easy to get past these panic attacks,
and it takes time to be able to identify the triggers,
but be strong, everyone.
We can do this.
I know I can.

Jenny~