Current update

So, basically, I have been stuck at home for almost 2 months due to the current MCO as well CMCO.

And honestly, being at home for quite some time has been taking tolls on my mental health.

Previously, I had anxiety attacks and sudden pain as well as panic attacks at nights, 

which causes a disturbed sleeping pattern.

I would wake up in the middle of the night,

feeling panic and unable to breathe properly,

and having the fear of falling back to sleep again.

And because of that, I decided to make some changes in my life.

I decided to get engaged with exercise routine.

And I am really glad that I did.

I have been starting slow as I am not an exercise lover,

and it has helped with my anxiety a lot.

I started to sleep better,

less waking up in the middle of the night,

and less panic attacks.

I didn't realise the improvement until I stopped my exercise routine due to period.

And all the anxiety and panic attacks slowly emerge again,

which dawns on me that all the exercise routine is indeed helping me out.

And finger-crossed,

that all the exercise routines that I have been saving will eventually help me to combat my anxiety.

I really hope that it will disappear slowly,

and eventually, enable me to improve the quality of my life.

Besides that, career wise.

I have been using virtual meetings to meet and guide my pupils from time to time,

and have been joining courses with my headmaster and senior assistants.

And honestly, it felt great and honored to be able to join those modules with them,

as the new knowledge that I have gained somehow have changed my perspective on leadership.

Previously, I wanted to stay as a teacher.

Stay in this profession to continuously guide and make impact on the children,

but somehow, as I grow older,

I realised that something must be done in the higher authorities in order to create a ripple effect on the quality of education, 

and somehow, that has pushed my ambition and drive to a higher level.

Maybe its because I am still single and not being in a relationship has caused me to put my passion into my career.

And speaking of relationship,

I somehow have sort of lose a little bit of hope in this aspect.

I do still hope to get married by 30 or eventually.

But I start to slowly imagine myself working and traveling with my family and friends, 

instead of being settled down with a significant person.

I start to imagine bringing my best friend's kids around instead of my own child.

Is it wrong to lose hope on ever settling down?

Is it wrong to slowly lose hope on ever finding the one?

With the smallest hope that I am still holding one, I do hope to meet someone and eventually settle down like everyone does.

I certainly do hope.

Jenny~

Little hope

Words.
There are words that once said, it can give a huge relief and a sense of comfort.
There are words that once said, it can give a huge sadness and a sense of regret.

I have just finished watching another short series on Netflix, "The Victims Game".
I stumbled upon it accidentally while searching for something to keep me occupied when I came across it.
After watching all the 8 episodes in two days, I actually gained new perspectives on lives as well as the impact of people's words on our lives when not taken correctly.

I realised that pain and suffering could cause someone to do drastic actions,
and even having the ability to twist one's thoughts and mindsets into thinking that they are helping,
but in reality, they are actually killing someone through words.

I learn that when someone is already at the verge of self harm,
all they need is a little more hope.
A little more strength from everyone around them,
to push them to go on living.

Choosing to die in order to escape from hurt and pain from the reality might seem to be the easiest option.
But seeing your closest ones and your family break down,
grieves and cry endlessly with regrets of not being able to help,
or to lend a hand to pull you through all those dark thoughts are something that they will carry throughout their times living in this world.

After watching the series,
I realised that there are people around us who we might see as okay or happy from the outside,
these are the people who needs words of comfort,
words of support,
and hope.
They are the ones who might be hiding in those dark corners,
unable to overcome their pain and suffering,
and eventually feeling helpless,
and chose death to free themselves.
These are the people that we need to lend our hands to.
They are the ones who we always tell them to, "be strong", "don't think so much", "you're going to be fine", "you think so much" and "everyone is going through the same thing".
Those are the words that only made them smile,
while thinking that no one would know how much struggles they went through,
how much anxiety, fear, pain as well as their struggles to wake up and go through another day.

The feeling of waking up every morning,
going to work without any feelings,
and heading back home,
crying in darkness,
feeling helpless,
unable to tell anyone what we are facing,
thinking that we can't be helped anymore.
It is truly dark and horrifying being in that position.

And I believe that all of us could do a small part to help one another.
Be there for one another,
Understand what they truly need,
Listen with your heart,
And be at their side while giving strength and support.
All they need is a little more strength and hope to go on living.

Be strong.
We can make it through the darkest time and the darkest place together.
Jen.

Things you shouldn't say.

Things that you shouldn't say to a person who is struggling emotionally inside.

When someone tries to talk to you about their feelings,

you shouldn't tell him/her that he/she is the cause of your headache.

That what he/she is feeling or thinking right now is causing you frustrated.

You should never make it as if its that person's fault for feeling that way or thinking that way.

You do not know the damage that you have done to your other half.

It is not easy trying to be strong emotionally and physically.

We can hit the gym or do all sorts of workouts to make us physically strong,

but it is different when it comes to emotional well being.

You can see someone's wound physically,

but you will never be able to see someone's wound when it is inside their heart.

He/she might be smiling,

but inside, no one knows what kind of monster is being created.

How much fury and frustrations that he/she is feeling,

which would lead to negative thoughts and eventually, self harm.

I knew how it feels,

because I am in it.

No one knows how scary it is when I get anxiety or panic attacks middle of the night.

No one knows how scary it is when I can't even speak out during those attacks.

No one would understand the fear that I am still experiencing from time to time,

and how much I tried to calm myself during those attacks.

It isn't like I could control it,

nor could I defeat it at one go.

All I need is someone who could listen to me,

who could tell me that I am okay,

that I am not sick,

that everything is going to be okay.

Someone who said it not out of impatience,

but because he/she knows how it feels when those attacks are happening.

It takes just a few minutes to sit and listen.

Those few minutes would meant a lot to those including myself who is still in this battle.

Please don't blame or make us feel that we are at fault for feeling such ways.

It was never our decision to develop such feelings and fears.

We are frustrated as well,

and we also want to be free and positive like you.

Lend your ears,

Be at one another's sides during these difficult times,

and assure us that everything is going to be okay.

Everything is going to be okay.

Jen.