Depressed

This year has been a very challenging year for me.

Despite it has only been February,

I have been feeling quite depressed and down due to my working environment.

And I believe that this is the first time I would be writing about my working place.

I myself never even thought that work could cause me to be so depressed.

When splits started to appear among myself and my colleagues,

I found that they started to stop working well with me.

Messages are being ignore despite being seen,

Responses are not obtained at all despite pleas for help,

Reasons after reasons are given to avoid from responsibility,

teamwork starts to drop and everything is on my shoulder.

I only have one body, two hands and two legs.

How do you expect me to work everything at one time?

And because of that, I go to school feeling depressed,

and return home feeling even worse.

I always thought that relationship sucks,

but now, working and dealing with people is even worse.

It is really weird,

when one matter has already been settled,

another will arise.

Like an endless cycle.

I always tell myself to just go to school and smile,

and do whatever is being told,

but once I reached school,

I feel depressed.

and this actually affects my performance in classes as well,

where the pupils' presence and their attitudes are not helping at all.

I started to feel burned out in this career,

I started to feel demotivated,

and worst of all, I started to lose interest in a career that I once loved so much.

With endless piles of workloads,

and no one to share my burdens and stress,

life is really getting more difficult.

Lord, lead my way. 

Jenny~

After the talk

After the talk.

I always imagined,

how someone would react after having the talk.

Do they start to avoid one another after it?

Do they start to feel awkward with one another after it?

Do they feel sad when seeing the person but couldn't have him/her in their lives?

After going through my very first talk,

my reaction?

I stayed the same.

I still text and care,

and slowly I'm letting go the burden of having this feeling.

The burden that limits me from showing what I've got,

The burden that I should do things to attract his attention on me,

and the burden that I should try my utmost best to make him feel the same way to me too.

After slowly letting go,

I realised that we are better in this situation,

where I could talk comfortably like last time,

where I am not scared being judged by how I act,

and where I have someone that I can tell my problems and worries to.

I am glad that we did have the talk.

It helps me to take a step back,

and look at myself,

and back to being the person I used to be,

the person that I will love even if no one does.

Thank you.

Jenny~

The talk

The talk. 
Everyone knows about "the talk".
There are people who anticipates it,
and there are also people who don't.

The talk can sometimes end in a new and happy beginning.
But the talk can also sometimes end in a finished and unhappy ending.
I myself have went through the talk for almost 4 times.
3 times that weren't carried out,
and last night was the 4th time.

But the 4th time felt different.
I still remember the 1st talk that I had was a harsh one,
whereby he told me how he dislikes when his friends saw us together and labelled us.
And how after the talk, he turned his back against me and went totally cold to me,
as if I was a desperate stranger trying to get him.

The 2nd talk was with my ex.
I still remember how he asked for a break up telling me that it was not my fault,
and how he told me he was the person to be blamed.
And yes, it ended with me foolishly clinging on to him, and him leaving me in the worst way ever.

The 3rd talk was not a direct talk,
but from the way I got treated.
From feeling warm to feeling cold,
from being always accompanied to feeling left out everytime.
And it ended in me being angry with him and deleted him from my life,
before I decided to talk back to him again.

And last night was the 4th time.
This time with a precious friend that I appreciate his presence so much in my life,
He was the one who came to me when I was struggling with loneliness and depressed moments.
He was like the light that brightens up my day and night,
someone I know who is there when I needed to text.
And last night, when he told me that he wasn't ready for it,
my heart did ache but knowing that the reason was not because of a third party but because of his own depression and loneliness,
my heart yearns to help him.
I want to be the light that he used to be when I was in my worst state.
And I want to walk him out from the darkness,
like what he did to me.

Everything happens for a reason.
At least this had made me pray even much harder than before,
and I get even closer to God,
whom I felt like I have been leaving behind these days.
I guess this is the way God wants me to be closer to Him,
by giving me so much obstacles to overcome,
and by letting me know that without Him, I am nothing.
And I do regret,
for not realising how far I am from Him.

Thank you, Lord.
You make all things happen for a reason.
and now, I am coming back to Your home.

Jenny~

Always

For the good and bad,
I'm always here.
For the best and worst moments,
I'm always here too.
For the beautiful days,
I'm here,
For the darkest days,
I'm here too.
Just reach out,
and I would be here,
always.

Jenny~

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day.
A day celebrated by all couples as well as husbands and wives all around the world.
A day where chocolates and roses are exchanged with one another,
A day where love confessions are everywhere,
A day where singles becomes attached,
and also a day where everywhere is filled love.

Being single for the 5th year somehow kills me a lot inside when it's Valentine's Day.
And coming down with bad cough and sore throat,
somehow makes things even worse.
Feeling all alone,
with no one to call or text,
stranded underneath my blankets and my pillow,
tears just rolled down like in every single Valentine's Day.
But it felt much better in that way.
Letting out all the emotions in me through tears feels much better.

Therefore, to all the couples as well as husbands and wives,
appreciate one another because there are people like me that isn't that lucky to reach that level yet,
to all the singles out there,
stay strong and keep praying.
He will listen.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Jenny.

Comfortable

Last night, 

she went down from her usual train carriage.

As she was walking down the station,

she saw a familiar man.

And it was him, all well and healthy now.

She smiled and he smiled back too.

They went off for a dinner where she met his closest people.

They had fun, talked and played together.

For the first time,

she felt like she belonged somewhere.

She was happy.

Very happy.

But despite all that, she also felt sad.

Because the happier the memory is, the more difficult it is for her when everything is gone.

She missed the laughter, the smiles and the warm feelings.

She missed how they would stare at each other and talk.

she missed all of it now,

and wish she could stay longer and cherish those memories even more.

Beautiful memories are created indeed, 

and she closed her eyes to remember all these memories.

and her little heart whispered to her,

you have indeed fallen.

Jenny~

Missing a part

Who knew that there comes a day like this.
Where I would once again miss someone's presence in my life.
February is never really a good month for me.
With Chinese Valentine's Day tomorrow, and Valentine's Day next Tuesday,
it became a season of emo-ness and sadness to myself.

Sometimes, we plan without knowing,
We create an illusion,
a very happy one, thinking that it will happen like how we imagine it to be.
I am one of those people.
I imagined that I would go out for a wonderful dinner,
spending time laughing and creating special memories on these days,
and finally, feel celebrated.
I imagined that my workplace would be a place I would anticipate to come everyday,
being with people that I can share everything after each class,
and finally, feel belonged to a place.

But reality kicks in,
all these shatters when replies are not received,
not getting clear messages,
being hated for no apparent reason,
losing someone that I can share almost everything,
and someone who works so well with me.
I thought I would be fine,
but I wasn't.

I am missing a part in me again.
I finally understand the feeling of missing someone or something.
It is not merely wanting to keep texting or finding that person,
It is wanting to see their smiles again,
seeing them talk and eat in front of you,
feel their touch against you,
and hearing those words of advices as well as silly remarks from them.

I miss that.
I really do.

Jenny~

This feeling

This feeling is something that she have never felt for a long time.
A sense of longing.
A sense of wanting to see the person especially when that person is in his weakest form,
A sense of wanting to do everything for the person just to see him gets back to his usual form,
A sense of wanting to be at his side during his worse times,
and kept him accompanied.

But a wall is there,
and she just couldn't get over it,
she wants,
but she couldn't.
She is worried for him,
worried if he has eaten,
worried if he is still in pain,
worried if his condition worsens,
and this is the feeling that she has not felt for quite some time.

Seeing him able to talk like how he usually is brightens her day,
Seeing him able to finish a small bowl makes her feel better,
All she wants is him to recover,
for the first time, she kept telling God,
to make him healthy and strong,
and she doesn't want anymore than that,
but only for him to be free from those pains.

Please get well.
Jenny~

As the wind blows,

Today, she sat next to her carriage.
She had the opportunity to feel the breeze across her face for the day.
She was happy for the whole time she was in the carriage,
happy that her family members joined her journey for the day,
happy that she had been receiving letters from him almost daily.

But she knew this day would come,
despite how happy she is, there would be a day that she is bound to feel different.
And today, as she is getting along with her piles of workloads,
she received another letter from him.
He told her about his new acquaintances and how they will be working with him,
When she read about it,
there was something that bothers her.

She suddenly felt different,
as if she couldn't accept this new change,
as if this change would threaten the relationship that she has with him.
She felt unsafe,
but she kept quiet.
She replied his letter with a casual tone,
trying to sound as supportive as possible,
but she herself knows her own feelings.

As she sees the postman taking and delivering her letter,
she only has one wish.
She wishes that things would stay the same.
That things wouldn't change.
Even though she knows she should be ready to embrace any kinds of disappointments,
she still wishes she wouldn't have to go through it again.
As the wind blows,
she closes her eyes,
and breathes deeply.

Jenny~

Insecurity

tInsecurity.
The feeling of being unsafe,
anxious that something bad will happen based on what we imagined,
the feeling that holds back almost everything,
and the feeling that destroys almost everything that has been built.

Insecurity.
I wondered to myself,
since when do I feel so insecure on myself?
I remember being insecure about how I look,
how I present myself in the public,
how people look or perceive me as,
and this includes my friends, family and the people I love.

But these days,
insecurity has once again hold me back from things I love dearly.
It has once again make myself doubt,
not on other people,
but to myself.
It has once again ignited fires of jealousy,
that I shouldn't feel at all.
And it has once again showed my weakest point,
that I wanted to conceal from people.

Being insecure is something that I wish I could get rid of it,
not as a whole,
but partly or a little of it from myself.
I hate myself when I am insecure,
I start to ask questions,
or say things that I know will hurt me back instead.
I start to think of all the bad things that will happen,
and eventually, feels that it will happen after all.
I hate myself for all this insecurity.
And when it happens,
I just need a word of assurance.
That no matter how insecure I am,
how I feel like a piece of paper that would tear one day,
that you will be right there, 
ready to piece me back up again.

Jenny~