Conflicted

Things happen for a reason.
At the time when I felt so comfortable being alone,
at the time when I felt like I can do anything on her own,
at the time I felt the freedom of only thinking for myself,
things start to happen.

I met with this man during a course,
unknowingly became a friend,
and now became someone's favourite.
All of this happened within three days.
Everyone around me are telling me that this is crazy,
and even I myself find that all this is really crazy.

And as we went out for dinner and a walk at places that I didn't expect,
I kept thinking to myself on what to do.
I kept asking myself, if this is really it?
Is this really happening that I finally found a man whose ready to give me all I have wanted,
a man who loves me more than I do,
someone whom will hold my hand and bring me forward,
instead of letting go in the middle.

As I was contemplating,
his image appeared in my head.
I am conflicted inside,
 to continue to wait for something that might or might not happen at all,
or,
let go of the past and give this a chance.
Tell me what to do.

Jenny.

Checklist

Being single.
I remembered how I hated having this label,
and wished to be labeled as someone's girlfriend,
or in a relationship,
or someone's significant person,
or eve seeing someone.
But it never happened after that one relationship that I consider as a lesson.

Hence, I trained myself to try to be independent.
Back in my IPG days, I trained myself to go to church on my own every Sunday,
took a mini bus (van) and shopped for grocery,
went to airport and catching flight on my own,
and doing little things here and there by myself.
At that time, though I was doing everything on my own,
honestly speaking,
I wished someone else was there doing it with me.

When I got posted to Miri,
its somehow back to the olden days,
where everything needs to be done on my own.
Therefore, when I met someone who has similar liking with me,
I clung on to him and only did things if he was with me,
and felt depressed if I'm not the one whose doing it with him.

Emotional swings has got me changed into someone that I no longer knew.
Therefore, 2018 was a big turning point for myself.
A chance for me to start over again,
and a chance for me to be independent again.
This brings me to make a checklist.
A checklist of things to do on my own which I used to do with someone else.
And it started with having coffee and dessert at a new place,
watching movie on my own,
taking flight on my own,
and managing my own emotional beings.

My only hope is that this year, I would be able to find back the Jenny,
the Jenny that is always smiling,
always filled with excitement when seeing hot guys,
always fangirling over handsome actors and singers,
the Jenny that is confident and never gives up on things that she knows she can do it.
and the Jenny that patiently waits for the right person at the right time.

Jenny~

At a cafe

She stares out from her window,

sipping her hot coffee,

and listening to the sound of the rain.

How long has it been after the train has left?

How long has it been for her in this once unfamiliar town, 

now slowly turned into a little home for her?

She had lost track of time as she had been exploring each part of the little town.

As she was sipping her cup of coffee,

she saw a birthday cake on a table.

A cute couple entered the cafe,

with the male holding a bouquet of roses,

and the lady was holding a present.

She realised that it was also someone's big day too.

She would never forget that date.

It has been etched in her mind ever since she met him.

She remembered the first time they celebrated it together,

and his face when he received her presents.

She smiled when she played back all those memories,

and looked outside.

She wished she was there at the moment,

but she knew that it was impossible.

She didn't feel sad,

she feel happy,

as she knows that he is happy as well regardless of where he is,

who he is with,

and what he is doing.

She took a book that she has handmade on her own during her time on the train,

wrapped it carefully,

walked towards the counter,

and asked the man to help her send it off,

to the person who she knows,

will be delighted to receive. 

Jenny~

Eyes on me

These few days, I have came across with a song sung by Faye Wong entitled, "Eyes on Me".

For those whose really into anime, I believe you would know which anime has this theme song, right?

But for those who don't really watch anime, this theme song appeared in Final Fantasy,

which I never watched.

Nevertheless, I came across this song through my recommended playlist in Youtube,

and when I listened to the lyrics,

I immediately smiled as I thought back about the person whom I first laid my eyes upon,

as well as the first person who have made me feel, 

for once,

the luckiest girl on Earth.

I believed I did talk about this person in my old posts,

but to be able to remember every single detail about him,

his voice,

his smile, 

the way he stared and looked for me,

feels like it had only happened yesterday.

I could still remember how he trembled when he held my hand,

and I innocently thought how clumsy this man was.

And I could still remember how he would always be searching for me,

everytime I entered the place,

and smiled shyly towards me.

I could still remember how my friends would usually teased me,

saying that he really liked me by the way he acted,

and how I never believe in them as I was not how I look right now,

and he was my dream guy which I could only dreamed of.

But there was one night when all of us headed for dinner,

and eventually, ended around 8pm where I was pretty sure he wouldn't be at the same place,

and I would go back home without able to take a glimpse of him.

We were walking with our umbrellas when my roommate shouted to me,

and pointed at him.

That moment was a moment I wished I could replay it again and again.

But good moments never lasted,

when out of nowhere, he had disappeared,

and I got into a relationship.

And after 2 years of relationship where things were cracking between us,

I met him again.

And he was still the same, smiling shyly to me,

and always trying to catch up with me whenever Mass has ended.

But one day, he disappeared,

and since then until now, I wished I was given just one more chance to meet him again,

and asked, how has he been?

before letting go of the man whom was a stranger,

a stranger who appeared at my weakest point,

a stranger who kept me hopeful,

and a stranger who have made me feel the prettiest and always appreciated.

Thank you, Mr. Stranger.

Hope to meet you one day.

Jenny~ 

Freeing herself

She woke up to a sudden halt on her journey.
Rubbing her eyes and looking outside the window,
she found that her train has stopped at a little town crowded with people and children running around,
she packed up her suitcase, pushed all her books into another case and went down the train.

For the first time, she felt that the air was so sweet and the sun was gorgeous for the day.
She has finally decided to bid goodbye to the train who brought her all along to this little town.
She stared at the strange and yet friendly faces around her,
and she too another step forward.
And she turned around at the passengers who have went up to the train,
reminiscing the time when she too,
was like one of them,
forever trying to catch the right train, hop aboard and sat next to the window,
just watching the time flies, and her life pass.

Today, she made an important decision.
She has decided to set her foot down on this strange but yet, pretty little town,
and seek for her own happiness.
She has decided that it is now time for her to free herself from the shackles of loneliness,
from the grasps of sadness,
and the desperate feelings to be understood and embraced by others.
She has decided that she would go and pursue her own happiness,
by walking on her own,
experiencing things that she never even dared to try before,
and finally, feel free.

She put on her hat,
bid goodbye to the train silently in her heart,
turned around,
held her head up high,
and while smiling to the friendly strangers around her,
she continued on her journey to pursue for her success,
and happiness.

Jenny~

1.01.2018

Welcome to the new year, readers!
Happy New Year to all and here's to wishing all you many happy returns in your life!
I started the day by lazing myself on the bed till 10am, thinking of how I really deserve to sleep for a couple more hours before the next day, which is going to be a working day.
And I went out for lunch with my male friend which surprised me with a lot of souvenirs from his trip.
And I felt like a small kid again when I uncovered one by one the things he got me during the trip.
I guessed the most shocking part was when the next present was a storybook that I have been looking for since last year, "The Little Prince".
I was really touched when I saw the book and didnt believe that the book is finally in my hand,
and thanks to him, I got it. #thankyousomuch
It was nice hanging out, chatting about what we are going to be doing for 2018,
where I am more inclined to work and studies,
while he is going off for more trips with his friends and family.
Anyways, I'm happy that things remained friendly between us,
and hope it remains that way.

And now, back to my working space blogging about how I spent the day,
and not forgetting, my resolutions for this year are:

1. To be happy and expect less
2. To be healthy and eat less
3. To enjoy each day as it passes.

Simple and meaningful.
Hopefully I could keep up these resolutions till the end of the 2018.
Here's to a meaningful and happier year for me and you.

Jenny.