Struggling

It has been a while now,
of going back into reading books, references,
journals and articles.
It doesn't feel the same like in the olden days,
where I get to share and discuss about the materials that were given,
with my neighbours or with my roommate.

And I can say that this new journey isn't easy at all.
It's really tough and this is just the beginning.
I am struggling to keep myself up and about especially when it comes to writing academically.
After being away from something for a long time,
it's really difficult to even start,
and though people were giving me their support and encouragement,
I am indeed struggling to keep at it.

And all I hope that this will end soon,
and that, I am able to pull through this till the end.

Jenny~

A new beginning

Today marks the first day of me living a double life,
a life as a full-time teacher as well as a part time student.
I believe that I did mention about this here and there,
but I have decided to pursue for my Masters in Education (TESL) this year.

Some people asked me why and if I ever get tired of studying,
and the answer is,
yes, I hated the idea of studying and staying up to do assignments,
and wish I could just lie there and not doing anything.
But after what I have went through,
I realised that I have not achieved enough to even make myself proud.
I have nothing to be proud of except for my career that has now become a routine.

I am searching for the old Jenny,
the Jenny that is confident and ready to be in front doing all sorts of presentations,
the Jenny that is always filled with smiles and giggles no matter what hardships she encountered,
and I found it back recently.
I found the girl who has the purest and innocent smiles,
the girl who is confident in whatever she is doing,
the girl who no matter how tired she is, she will continue to take the next step,
and the girl who always wait for the right time instead of chasing and spoiling the next moment.

Therefore, a new beginning is something that I need,
and 2018 is the year to start it off.
I always told my friends that I am a bit too late to come to this decision,
but they have been really supportive,
and because of them,
I decided to pick myself up,
and walked along the path to reach to the next destination.

Therefore, wish me luck dear readers.
That together, you and I will reach the next destination,
as you and I have planned.

Jenny~

Dirty

I remembered clearly when you held my hand without my permission,
I thought I was fine with it,
but I was not.

I remembered clearly how all your words bring my values down,
I thought it was normal,
but it was not.

I remembered how u came to my home late at night despite of me saying I am off to bed,
and u forced me to come out,
and u opened and entered my place without my permission,
and hugged me from behind,
asking me to do the same thing to you as well,
I thought I was okay,
but I was not.

I remembered how u kept calling me and forced me to do video call with you,
and you kept wanting to see my room,
and you kept on saying things that makes me uncomfortable,
and kept on showing me your face up close,
and showing me your lips with the intention of wanting to kiss me,
I thought I was okay with it,
but I was not.

I remembered how you always talk to me with that tone,
how you always touch me whenever you talked to me,
how you sit so near to me when we are not in any relationship,
how you try to stop me from chasing my dreams,
how you make me feel unwanted if I gave up on you,
I thought I would be okay,
but I am not.

To the guy who made me feel this way,
I thought I would be okay and could build a friendship with you,
but you made me so dirty,
you made me feel unwanted,
you made me feel worse about myself,
and right now, all I want is to prove to you,
and to myself, that you are not meant for me at all.

You made me dirty,
and I will pick myself up and make sure I am clean,
from all the things you have done to me.

Jenny.

Scared to fall

I always thought I am ready for a relationship,
always thought I am ready for a long life commitment when the time has come,
ready to be called someone's wife and build a family,
like what most of my friends are doing currently,
I always thought I was ready,
until one day I realised that I wasn't.

The incident with the man has brought me to realise that I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready to fall in love after going through heartbreaks after heartbreaks,
I wasn't ready to lose the freedom that I have obtained after struggling with myself,
I wasn't ready to walk the next step ahead with another man whom I was sure I was not in love with,
I wasn't ready to let go of the baggage of memories with another person.
and I wasn't mentally prepared to be in a relationship.

I am scared.
As I grew older, I became timid with the word relationship.
I am scared that I am just wasting my time with a person whose not for me.
I am scared that it wouldn't turn out like what I hoped it would be.
I am scared that I would give too much and eventually, get broken again.
I am scared to fall,
and hurt again.

And because of that,
I slowly find that being alone is fun,
being alone lets me do the things that I want,
and being alone lets me find the peace that I have longed for.
Yes, I do want to be with someone,
but I am scared.
I am filled with doubts and what-ifs,
and I am feeling insecure after all the stuffs I have went through.

I never had a happy ending in my relationship,
therefore,
will I ever find the happy ending that was supposed to be mine?
Hold my hand.
Push me to fall,
and be there to catch me when I do,
because it could be the last one that I will ever fall again.

Jenny~