Looking.

At one point of the year, I tend to look back all my blog posts.
Starting from 2010 which I began my very first post,
until now 2015.
this blog grew up with me in many ways.
From my writing styles to the stuffs that I shared in my blog.
To the happiest day of my life to the worst day in my life.
Everything was in this blog.
Everything.
Even those I have permanently erased from my mind.
It still exists in this blog.

Not deleting it means testing myself,
Am I still gonna reminisce all those moments?
Do I still remember everything?
And I tested myself just now,
to open back and read through each and every post that I wrote.
From the childish temporary happiness into the permanent maturing pain.
And I realised one thing.
I grew up a lot from the pain.
From how I always shared happy stuffs in my blog, into sharing even more sad and emo stuffs in the blog.
And how it slowly revolved into sharing only updates and serious stuffs.

And I asked myself,
where did the old me go?
where did that girl whose always cheerful, having the positive imagination that everything will turn out well goes?
where did that girl who believe in love so much go?
and where did that girl who said she will wait go?

All that is left right now is a lady whose cheerful outside, inside feeling cold.
having positive thinking n less imagination.
a lady who sees love as just something. nothing less than something.
and a lady who still sits in the train carriage alone,
and instead of staring while waiting for the one to sit opposite her,
now tends to make herself busy with coffee and books and her surroundings.

And they will say, when the right one comes, you will change.
My questions to them, when the right one comes, will I lift my head from those books and cups of coffee to see?
can he bring the same warmth as a cup of coffee and interest me like those piles of books?
will he able to make me look up and come down from the train carriage once more?
will or will not he?

Jenny~