Time

Time is something that everyone is in a love and hate relationship with.

When time passes too slow, we tend to complain and wish time would have pass by us fast,

we want to fast forward our lives just to see what's the ending,

or whether what we have always wanted actually happens,

and that's the main reason why we would seek answers through predictions or fortune telling.

When time passes too fast, we tend to complain and wish time would go slower.

We want to enjoy certain moment and the happiness,

and just don't wish it to end that fast.

As for me, time has been good enough as well as cruel sometimes to me.

Time has shown to me how I have slowly matured,

and not matured in certain aspects.

Over these past 4 years of working,

I realised that time has been a constant challenge for me in many aspects.

In terms of friendship, time has proved as a challenge to this aspect.

My best friends are slowly getting busier with their own lives,

and we don't really find one another and have our heart to heart sharing like last time.

But we are still friends.

And from here, I learnt that,

no matter how the time has passed, friendship is a bond that is unbreakable if we built the right ones.

In terms of career, I realised that I have grown mature over the years.

No longer the timid teacher, I have now turned into a vocal person who speaks out on any dissatisfaction to the higher authorities.

I have started to take in a lot of new challenges, 

and paving new ways in competitions with the aim which is to instill confidence amongst the pupils,

and most importantly, to let people out there know that my school is a good challenger as well.

And from here, I found that, 

I am a workaholic that can't be separated from works, 

and I can only work the best when I have support from my colleagues.

In terms of self development, I realised that time has changed me a lot.

I have grown independent,

and started to pursue what I dreamt of.

I started to pack my belongings and pursue the journey,

and though, I am constantly stopped by my feelings,

I just needed some time to snap back and continue on my journey.

And from here, I found that,

irregardless of how I hated change, change has enveloped my whole being,

and I have indeed a changed person in one way or another.

Last but not least, in terms of relationship, I realised that love doesn't always have to come in pairs.

Love comes in many forms,

and it doesn't have to be flowers or dinner.

It could only be trying to spend the littlest time together,

or even just by lending help at the time when I most needed it.

Love doesn't have to be physically there,

but it could be invisible by just being there to listen,

agree and giving support when I most needed,

Love doesn't necessarily have to be possessed,

it appears at the most unexpected time, and in the most unexpected situation.

And from here, I learnt that,

irregardless of how I wanted, wished, dreamt and hoped for love,

it has always been around me in so many forms,

and it takes me this long to understand,

and to embrace all the loves that have been surrounding me.

Time is beauty.

It will let us see the beauty of life as it ticks,

all we need is to be patient,

and enjoy every ticking moment.

Jenny~

My go-to

I remembered when I was back in IPG, there were a lot of people that I went to when I needed to confide things with them.
I remembered sharing about my happiness and sadness to a few of my trusted friends,
and they would always either give me advice on how to deal with it,
or they would usually try to cheer me up by taking my mind off from it.

I remembered whenever I needed a talk,
all I need is to either go from room to room to find my friends to talk to,
or just a simple text message to my best friend whose always living next door,
and she would open the door,
and then, there we go, talking endlessly about my issue and hers.
Or, when my roommate and I turned off the lights,
that is when we had our endless conversations under our blankets,
talking about relationship issues and things that we witness amongst our friends.

I guess that's the reason that caused me to unable to move on from the past,
I remembered how badly I cried when it was the very few days left to leave IPG.
And how badly I wanted to go back there to reminisce all the memories left behind,
before turning over a new chapter.
There is always that one part of me that I feel has been left behind in Keningau,
and I can't wait for the next trip to reclaim it back.
It was indeed a pity that we didn't make it Keningau during our Deepavali trip due to the unpredictable weather.
As we all are growing up,
my go-to stations become lesser and lesser.
My roommate whom I always confide when it comes to me dealing with relationship,
is now happily married and is expecting soon.
My best friend whose only one call away,
is now happily being called as a wife.

And the thoughts of having lesser go-to somehow made me feel down.
It isn't easy to find a person who I can talk about almost anything,
without feeling being judged.
And it is not easy to find someone who I can be comfortable in talking about everything.
Therefore, I am lucky if I could find another go-to.
A person who understands my needs and wants,
and always there to lend me his/her ears,
and provide comfort and support when I most needed it.

And I wish I have truly found it.

Jenny~

Inside me

Today, I received a really happy news,
where my best friend will be signing her wedding papers today with her beloved husband.
It is an indeed happy event for her,
as she has finally found the one that she really wanted to get married with,
and spending her whole lifetime with,
and I am really happy for her.

But at the same time,
I am actually feeling a little sad,
as I am still trying to accept the fact that my best friend is no longer going to available for me at all time.
Changes are things that I fear the most,
regardless if it's in my career, relationship or friendship.
When I first knew she is getting married,
I was actually depressed as the one and only person whom I knew would stick by my side,
is finally leaving me for to pursue the next step in her journey.
And when I knew that she has signed her legal papers today,
I am happy that she has achieved this dream of hers,
but at the same time,
I am feeling sad as this is finally,
really happening.

I told myself that things will never remain the same,
never remain constant,
will always flow and changes according to time.
I reminded myself,
not to put high hopes on what is happening now,
as it might changes within seconds or minutes,
and always be ready to embrace the upcoming changes.

Therefore, for my best friend,
I wished you all the loves and happiness in this world as you stepped into a new beginning.
May your marriage with the one you have chosen would end happily ever after,
and may I, too, will be able to meet my happy ending soon.

Jenny~

Belated

She sat at the cafe,

looking at the slice of the cake in front of her,

and quietly sang a happy birthday song for herself,

while making her wish, 

blew the candle, 

and started to eat the cake.

She was happy at first,

but slowly,

she turned and looked out at the gloomy sky.

Tears started to run down her cheeks,

as she was eating her cake.

She wiped it away and told herself that it's stupid.

It's stupid to cry when she told herself that she should be strong.

She wiped off her tears,

and looked forward.

Suddenly, she saw a familiar face heading to her table,

with a smile,

and asking if he could accompany her for a while.

She nodded and there they sat,

talking and laughing about all the things they talked about.

After a while,

she stood up and they walked together to the door,

and bid farewell to one another.

As she walked forward,

she looked up and smiled,

behind those gloomy skies, there was a ray of light shining upon her face.

Though it was late,

she appreciated the effort,

the time

and the sincerity.

Jenny~

Birthday

Today is my 26th birthday.
How did it went, you might ask?
Well, the typical birthday that goes for everyone around me would be,
surprise party by friends,
or getting lavished with gifts and presents,
or getting to spend it with their loved ones,
or getting pampered and all.

Mine would be the simplest of all.
I went back to my family's place,
and had they yearly longevity noodles.
Bought my own cake,
placed my own candles,
made a wish, blew the candles off,
and then, that's it.

I guess, as I grew older and older,
birthday slowly turns into another typical day,
where people would leave me nice wishes,
and pleasant text messages,
and that's pretty much of it.

In my younger days,
I would be sad and lament about how my day went.
But now, I don't really feel a thing.
It's okay if my birthday isn't celebrated in a large scale,
or if I didn't get any presents or gifts,
or I didn't have that special one to celebrate with.

All that matters is that I am given another chance to continue to live in this world,
able to spend more time with my family and loved ones,
able to see and witness wonderful moments with my friends,
and able to be surrounded by wonderful people in my life.
I took a long time to realise this,
but I am glad to know that,
it's never the presents or gifts or surprises that I really wanted,
it's when people try to spend at least a little of their time to be with me no matter what's the occasion.
And that is what I call, sweet.

Jenny~

Changes

There are times when I dread changes.
I am a person who is afraid of changes.
Positive changes,
Negative changes,
Anything that changes somehow makes me feel insecure.

Other people are telling me that change is good.
It makes us grow up and be mature.
It helps us to see things in a new perspectives.
And yes, I admit that I am a changed person now.
No longer the old Jenny that thinks of love and relationship at all times,
No longer the old Jenny that tries to do everything that she can,
and no longer the old Jenny that tries to please everyone.

I have changed into a vocal person,
a person that doesn't hide her feelings when she dislike certain ways of working,
or certain attitudes of people.
I have changed into a patient person,
a person that waits for things to happen instead of making it to happen.
I have changed into a person that expect and anticipate lesser and lesser,
a person that no longer waits for people to celebrate her birthday,
but has her own plans if there is really celebration.

And sometimes, I fear of my own changes.
Fear that it would make me feel too independent,
and eventually, lose the innocent thoughts of being in love,
as well as the thoughts of settling down.
Same goes to people around me who are showing good changes.
I am just afraid that all of this are just temporary,
and one day, it will just pop and disappear.
I am afraid in the midst of the happiness that I am going through now,
something will just happen and take away the clouds of happiness,
replacing it with clouds of sadness like what I experienced previously.

Therefore,
I am now embracing all these changes with an open arm,
but with careful thoughts especially towards my feelings,
as I could no longer stand the disappointment,
sadness,
and the pain from falling from high expectations anymore.

Jenny~

Exhausted

It has been an exhausting month for me.
April was supposed to be a month of bliss,
where I would be happily awaiting for my birthday,
and waiting for the next surprise that comes to me.

But I was so caught up with my work,
that I don't really feel the excitement of counting down the days to my birthday.
Endless works,
demands,
deadlines,
documents and files to be submitted to respective people,
endless training for competitions every afternoon,
and with meetings and weekend duties in school,
somehow makes me feel exhausted.

I am mentally and physically fatigued.
Despite how strong am I,
or how willing I am to continue to fight on my way,
these are the times when I just wish I wasn't a workaholic,
someone who doesn't seek for fame and glory,
and just do my part well in teaching.

But I can't do it.
I am pushing myself past my limits,
and this is the time when I really need to sit and just let out all my feelings.
It is exhausting to keep on working so hard,
and coming back to an empty shell,
with no one to talk about how bad my day went.
It is exhausting to keep working so hard,
when no one was supporting me from behind.

It is exhausting,
and I am exhausted.
Am I going to give up just like that?
I can't.
I have pushed myself halfway of this journey,
and whatever it is, I need to keep pushing myself on.

Jenny~

Living in a bubble

She was a girl,

who was sitting at the side of the window,

pondering when will the next person will arrive,

and sweep her feet off.

One day,

the same man came to her table,

offering her the same care,

the same warmth,

and the same attention as before.

She told herself,

all of this is temporary,

that she is now living in the bubble that she has created.

that all the bliss and happiness she is feeling now,

will one day disappear,

when the bubble is popped.

She got up her feet,

pushed the door,

and walked outside, standing under the moonlight.

As she stared at the moon and the twinkling stars,

she remembered her purpose.

She remembered that she has came down from the train,

and that she should continue on her journey,

to not only pursue happiness, but success along the way,

she popped the bubble that floated in front of her,

and smiled.

It is time to move on,

and walk.

Not sit and wait.

And she continued her journey in pursue of the unknown,

and she knows,

if the same man decided to chase after her,

she will always be right in front.

Jenny~