BTS. ARMY. 7th Anniversary.

I remember when BTS debuted way back in 2013 and I was in IPG at that time,

with very limited Internet connection in hostel and not knowing Youtube at the time, 

BTS was a name that was not very known by me.

I came across their music video on "Boy In Luv",

and I was mesmerized with their choreography as well as the members.

At that time, my bias was Jin. 

But that's it.

I was then fans of several other Kpop idols and the main reason of liking them was on how they looked.

Fast forward to 2017.

The year where I was struggling to keep myself afloat.

The year where I experienced dark thoughts and painful moments,

The year where my emotional side decided to take a twist,

The year where I cried the most due to insecurity,

and the year where I somehow lost myself to the wild.

I was left with no support, and nearing depression before I snapped out of it.

I remembered seeing counsellor about it,

and tried my best to stay strong while being fragile inside,

and that was when I came across BTS in my recommendation list in Youtube.

I remembered watching their "Fake Love" music video,

and I was mesmerized by the song as well as the music video.

I went and find the translation before realizing that the song clearly reflected what I was going through at that time.

I couldn't stop myself from listening to the song,

and that was when I started to fall in love with this group.

I started to listen to each and every song from their earlier albums,

I read the theories of their songs and was strengthened by each of the lyrics that depict their struggles,

as well as the conflicts that arise in their life.

Until one day, "Epiphany" was released.

I was excited as usual.

But before knowing it, I broke down in tears listening to the song.

Each line hits me hard and eventually helped me to open my eyes.

"I'm the one that I should love."

It was this song that transformed my life.

It was this song that kickstart my journey in life as an Army.

And it was this song that helped me to combat negativity and continuously move on in life.

And the rest is history.

Seeing them in tears make me feel the sadness too.

Seeing them cry on stage at the end of every era made me in tears as well.

BTS has saved me from darkness.

Their songs have pulled me out from pit of darkness and helped me to move on.

Each and every one of them are special and unique in their own ways,

just like me and you.

And their passion as well as their professionalism is something that I admire and respect.

And I want to be like them.

Always love myself, and try to be the light and bring comfort for others.

I wish to go to their concert someday and experience their love to us one day, 

and quietly wish them all the happiness no matter what happen in the future.

Thank you for bringing warmth to us.

Thank you for bringing happiness to us despite all the trials that you have went through and still going through.

Thank you for bringing comfort to us at the times when we need it the most.

Thank you for reminding us to love ourselves first before loving someone else.

Thank you for all the beautiful songs that brought tears to us.

Thank you for not giving up on us today.

Thank you, BTS.

Jenny, an Army(2017 - forever)~

Changing myself for someone?

The other day, a friend of mine was texting me and we talked about how I thought of going further in my career.

I told her my intention of getting a PhD and move forward to IPG for my career,

as I feel that I can go further in my career,

but the worries and anxiety of not being able to find the love of my life if I really go down that path trouble me till today.

That is when she said that why guys can't accept smart women or those who are able to make decisions themselves,

and often go for naive, innocent and weak girls  who submit to them and need their protection at all times.

This caught my attention which I thought of sharing my views on this matter.

I have changed myself for the sake others,

either to be liked by someone or when in a relationship.

I changed into someone who submit fully to them,

who let them make decisions for me,

who was clingy, naive and innocent,

and it backfired.

None of these guys stayed and all left,

and this made me wonder.

Why?

I changed.

I became that type of girl that you liked.

I tried to like the same things that you liked,

and you still left?

Some of my friends said that I should be myself.

Some of them told me to change some of my attributes,

try to be softer and nicer,

and it was frustrating to be someone that I am not.

I couldn't last for 3 days before my real personality comes out.

And it sucks that till today, I couldn't find someone who could accept me for who I am.

Just because I too my Masters and planning on PhD does not mean that I am smarter than you.

Just because I want to advance in my career doesn't mean that I am at the top and you are not qualify in my list.

I always thought that we girls are the most complicated human beings on Earth,

but right now, I think that guys are the worst.

If you have feelings for someone initially, then continue to pursue someone.

Don't pursue someone halfway and realised that you do not have any feelings towards her, 

and then, make her fall in love with you and then, breaking her heart.

It is because of these occurrences that made me stop thinking and pursuing for love and relationship.

I hate playing the push and pull game in love.

I hate being given so much hopes and eventually, ending in nothing.

I hate changing myself for someone else, and eventually, he left at the end of the day.

I hate the fact that advancing my quality of life means that it's over for love and relationship because of these traditional mindsets.

So can you accept me as it is?

Can you accept this woman in her late twenties who is planning to advance her career in 2 years time?

Can you accept this woman who is clingy, insecure and seek to be your only one in life?

Can you accept her for all her physical and emotional attributes that makes you think she is confident but she isn't?

Can you accept this broken soul?

Jenny~ 

Loneliness

When I was in my younger age,

I always thought loneliness refers to not having boyfriend/girlfriend.

The word "loneliness" was always related to being single,

where you obviously have no one to talk to, to share stuffs with,

someone who would be there for you during your ups and downs.

I thought that being single like me is what loneliness means.

But I was wrong.

At the current moment, I am still single and have yet to meet any suitable suitors to imagine myself to be married to.

But almost all my friends are already married or having kids,

and at times, I do envy them but at the same time, feeling relieved that I am not yet like them.

My best friend, who is now a new mom and is into the marriage for almost 3 years,

shared her feelings of being married,

in which she tried to tell her husband about her feelings and what is going through,

to receive a response, "what do you want me to do then?"

I was shocked.

As a husband, your most beloved person is trying to tell you her frustrations,

sharing her problems in exchange of some comfort words from you,

and getting such a response is a no-no.

I was sad for her, to be honest.

But I kept quiet and told her that I am angry for her sake. 

This is not how things should go in a marriage.

You should not come back home and tell someone whom you married for love that you are too tired to hear her troubles,

that you are having a difficult time yourself to manage and having to hear your other half's problems are causing you a headache.

That is what the worst type of loneliness occur to someone.

Someone who was supposed to be held on by their other half, but left hanging on her own while troubled by all kinds of new burdens at home and at work.

And I reflected on myself.

The loneliness that I went through and is still going on is nothing if compared to those who are experiencing loneliness in a relationship and in a marriage.

Not having someone to share my ups and downs doesn't seem so bad if compared to those who are being denied to be listened to.

Not having someone to feel the kind of warmth or love doesn't seem so bad if compared to those who are not experiencing love and warmth despite having their other halves beside them.

Being single and lonely seems to be better than being with someone and yet, lonely.

To those who are experiencing such loneliness,

you are not alone.

Somewhere, someone is experiencing the same thing,

and there will always be someone like me who understands.

and no matter if I know you or not,

I am here for you.

Jenny~

Future plans

Finally, my article has been published in an e-proceeding!

Well, I was supposed to present it in a conference on March,

but due to Covid-19 which causes MCO to be placed for weeks, 

I was unable to do so.

Instead, I was asked to do a recording of my presentation and submitted it online.

And wait.

The waiting part was both anxious and worrying as our names are going to be discussed on August,

in order to determine whether we are qualify or not to graduate by the end of the year.

However, graduation has been postponed to early 2021 due to Covid-19.

And thankfully, I received an email today that informed us that our papers has been published,

and our names have been submitted by our supervisors t e-repository in UKM.

And not, waiting for it to be processed as soon as possible so we can submit our completiion form,

and finally, road to convocation with ease!

So what's in store for the future?

A lot of my colleagues as well as my friends have been pushing me to go further,

to attain PhD as I am already halfway there.

And I have been putting off that idea for the sake of really enjoying my life.

I want to spend some time on myself,

bringing my family and myself to somewhere, and really make good memories together.

I want to work hard in my career,

able to bring knowledge and light to my pupils' lives.

But the longer I stayed at home during MCO and MCOC,

the more I thought about what I really wanted in the future.

And I realised that I do not want to be a primary school teacher for the rest of my life.

I wanted more.

I wanted to go higher and continue to prove my capability to others,

I want to make full use of my ability and make a difference,

a significant difference,

I want to teach people,

in particular, future generations who aspired to be a teacher,

that they are the ones who should go all the way out there to make an impact,

like what I have been taught back in IPG.

I want more.

And I'm not settling for less.

Jenny.