the word.

lonely.
one word.
depicts so much meaning or interpretations.
some people thought that being lonely means having no one beside them,
some thought of it as a kind of solitude that is enjoyed at times,
some thought of it as a depressing situation,
some thought of it as no one would ever understand their situations, which is why they depict themselves as lonely..

im a young 21 lady,
so i don't even dare to say that i have met all kinds of people from different walks of life,
i also dont have the courage to say that i know what's loneliness, 
because what i felt might be just a small part of what other people have been struggling with or fighting through,
sometimes, i wonder why?
why do people have to face the word loneliness?
why do people drown in that word with or without conscious?
why some people love it, and some people hate it?
why some people are happy to embrace themselves with it, and some cried while struggling with it..

in this age, my curiosity increases,
not on gaining knowledge in terms of academic,
because i know by googling it or reading it, i can get the answers,
but more on emotional and social sides of not on myself, but on other people,
people might think why do i wanna know so much?
why am i so busybody?
the real answer?
coz i would never be able to find all those answers through google or books..

people say i would know when i grow up,
but i want to know now,
and the main reason, i dont wanna go through another unexpected, unexplained pain,
no matter im a kid, girl, lady or woman.

Jenny~

sharing.

so, basically, i was on facebook and yeah, as usual,
checking out people's news feed and da stuffs they shared,
and i came across to this which i feel is indeed interesting and somehow true in one way or another..
so i would like to share it here with all the other readers who might never come across with this stuff..
enjoy reading.. ^^

If U were born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, 28th of any month U r number 1….
If U were born on the 2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th of any month then U r number 2…
If U were born on the 3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th of any month then U r number 3…
If U were born on the 4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then U r number 4…
If U were born on the 5th, 14th, 23rd of any month then U r number 5…
If U were born on the 6th, 15th, 24th of any month then U r number 6…
If U were born on the 7th, 16th, 25th of any month then U r number 7…
If U were born on the 8th,17th, 26th of any month then U r number 8…
If U were born on the 9th,18th, 27th of any month then U r number 9

Number 1
You are smart, straight talking, funny, stubborn, hardworking, honest, Jealous on competing basis, kind hearted, angry, friendly, authorities, Famous person… always want to be and regarded as first on people position, they are often like to be independent, will never be under others, self confident people!
You are most likely to fall in love in the younger age, but will get marry when you mature! You are likely to have problems with people who have opposite views
And you are most likely to take revenge over your enemies in a long time basis. You are a spender, but you will have a good profession in the future.
If you are guy you will be very popular that everybody will have mental attraction and respect at you. You can go anywhere from the local shop to the heart of the parliament because you are positive and well talented in numerous issues!! But in your life you will always have some people who will work hard to bring you & your name down. This is undercover!! Coz of your smart behavior you will be hated by some people too…
Your family life is very cool, you will have a very nice partner & wonderful children… You are pioneer, independent & original…
Your best match is 4,6,8 good match is 3,5,7 !!!

Number 2
No matter what, you will be loved by every one coz your ruler is the moon and every one loves the Moon. Well.. You are a person who day dream a lot, you have very low-self confidence, you need back up for every move in your life, you are very much unpredictable. Means you do change according to time and circumstances, kind a selfish, have a very strong sense of musical, artistic talent, verbal communication.
Your attitudes are like the Moon, comes to gloom and fade away so everybody can expect changes in you. You can be a next Mahatma Gandhi who does peace love or you can be a Hitler who wants to destroy the man kind and peace (I mean in the community and your own home).
If you really have a deep thought about your own believe in God you can feel the difference which will make you stronger! Most of the time your words are a kind of would be happening true! So without any knowledge you can predict the situation. You will become poets, writers, any Artistic business people!
You are not strong in love, so you will be there and here till you get marry.. If U r a girl you will be a responsible woman in the whole family. If U r a man you will involve in fights & arguments in the family or Vice-versa. Means you will sacrifice your life for the goodness sake of Your family… You are gentle , intuitive with a broad vision, a power behind the scenes, well balanced People!!!
Your best match is 2 ,5 ,9 no other people can put up with you !!!

Number 3
You are a person of hard hearted, selfish most of the times, religious, loves to climb up in your life. You always tend to have lots of problems within your family in the early stages but you will put up with everything.. You have the strong word power, pretty happy face.. So wherever you go always you have got what you wanted!!! And from the birth always wanted to work hard in order to achieve something.. You will not get anything without hardwork! When you reach a man/ woman age you want other younger once to listen to you because you want younger people to respect people older than them. You do set so many examples to others.
Generally you are not a cool person. It’s not easy thing dealing with you. A tough player you are! But once you like someone’s attitude then here you go, what can I say? It will be a lasting friendship. You always have respect from others.
Your life seems to have lots of worries and problems but sure they won’t be long.. you will always have brilliant kids!!! You love the money a bit too much so temptation will push you to endless trying and trying.. If you are a guy then it’s over. Looking after your family and help friends, so you will spend a life time just being generous and kind (except 21st born men). And number 3s you will
be such an example of how to be in the culture & life!!! If you are girl then you have good character and culture & hardworking attitude. You always follow.
You are a freedom lover, creative, ambition focused, a person who brings beauty , hope & joy to this world!!!
Your best match 6 ,9. Good match 1 ,3 ,5 !!!

Number 4
You are very stubborn too, very hard working but unlucky in important matters in life, very cool, helpful, you have rough word power.. Might put lots of people away from you, you may cause nuisance to others if you are a man, and you often understands others and their problems well. If you are a girl you are very good with studies and arts. If you are a guy you spend most of the time after girl friends (almost) at times, you will have sort of too much fun life with mates & girls. Your friends will spend your time & money and get away with their life and you will become empty handed and don’t know what to do… So be careful!! You love to spend anyway!!!
Your good will is you are always there to help family and friends. Tell you what you people are little gem! s, specially the girls.. You always fall in love in younger age as well. You often live with disappointments, for an example you have got a degree in some thing… but you will be unemployed.. or will do very ordinary jobs.
But you will take care of your family very well…All you need to be careful of people who will take advantage of your kind heart. And beware of your relations too..
You are radical, patient, persistent,a bit old-fashioned, you live with foundation & order…
Your best Match 1, 8. Good match 5 ,6 , 7 !!!

Number 5
You are very popular within the community, you can get things done by just chatting..to even enemies! You have a pretty good business mind, you are often have no-idea what is today is like, or tomorrow is like, you are a person who does anything when your head thinks “lets do this”. You will be famous if you open up a business, get involve in share dealings, music etc.. Very popular with sense of humor ,you are the one your friends and families will always ask for help, and you are the one actually get money on credit and help your friends. You will have more than 1 relationship, but when u get settle down you will be a bit selfish anyway. Coz your other half will have a pretty good amount of control in you, be careful! You tend to go for other relationships! Contacts even you are married at times ‘coz your popularity..
You are someone who get along with anyone coz the number 5 is the middle number.. Changes & freedom lovers you are! You are an explorer with magic on your face. You learn your life through experience and it’s your best teacher!!!
Your best match 1 ,2 ,9. Good match 6 ,8 !!!

Number 6
Ooopppss..you are born to enjoy.. You don’t care about others. I mean you are always want to enjoy your life time, you are a person.. You will be very good in either education or work wise or business management! You are talented, kind (but with only people who you think are nice), very beautiful girls and guys, popular and more than lucky with anything in your lives. All the goodness does come with you. Your mind and body is just made perfect for love.
You are lovable by any other numbers. But if you are a number 6 man, you will experience kind of looks from most girls and will involve in more than few relationships until you get married. If you are girl, most of you will get marry/engaged early. You are a caring person towards your family & friends .
If you miss the half-way mark then you are about to suffer physically and mentally. Generally you will lead a very good inner-home happiness with nothing short of. You are a person of compassion, comfort & fairness, domestic responsibility, good judgment, and after all you can heal this world wounds to make peace for every life coz you have the great power of caring talent to make this world of love one step further…
Your best match 1, 6, 9. Good match 4, 5 !!!

Number 7
You have got the attraction to anyone out there, you are realistic, very confident, happy, such a talented individual with your education, music, arts, singing, and most importantly acting too. You have real problems with bad temper! If you are a girl, you are popular with the subjects listed above.
You give up things for your parents. I mean you value your family status a lot, you will be in the top rank when you reach a certain age. If you are a guy you are popular with girls, you are a very talented too. Most of the number 7s face lots of problems with their marriage life.
Only a very few are happy. You have everything in your life, but still always number 7s have some sort of unfullfilness, such worries all their lifetime.
It’s probably the Lord given you all sort of over the standard humans talents and you are about to suffer in family life. So you need to get ready looking for a partner rather than waiting. If you don’t, then you might end-up single. So take care with this issue, ok?
You are wonderful, friendly, artistic, happy person.. You are born to contribute lots to this world!!!
Your best match is 2. Good matches are 1,4 !!!

Number 8
You are a very strong personality, there’s no one out there will understand you. You are very good at pointing your finger at some thing and say “this is what”.
You are more likely to suffer from the early ages. I mean poverty. If your times are not good you might lose either of your parent and end up looking after your entire family. You often suffer all the way in life.
The problems will not allow you to study further, but you will learn the life in a very practical way. You are the one who will fight for justice and may die in the war too. You are normally very reserved with handful of friends and most of the time live life lonely and always prepared to help others.
Well. once you get married (which is often late) then your bad lucks will go away a bit and you! u become safe. You will face un-expected problems such as :
the error, government, poisonous animals, accidents.
You are some one with great discipline, persistence, courage, strength which will take you to success. You are a great part of a family team. You are a fighter!
Your Best match 1 ,4, 8. Good match 5 !!!

Number 9
Hey…you guys are the incompatibles people in the world. You are so strong, physically and mentally… You are often have big-aims. You will work hard and hard to get there. Normally you suffer in the early age from family problems and generally you will have fighting life.. But when you achieve what you have done, it’s always a big task you have done! You are so much respected in the community, you are a person who can make a challenge and successfully finish the matter off.
You are very naughty in your younger age, often beaten up by your parents and involve in fights and you seemed to have lots of injuries in your life time. But when u grow you become calm and macho type.
Love is not an easy matter for you. You are good in engineering or banking jobs coz people always trust you.
Your family life is very good, but will have worries over your children.
Your such qualities are humanitarian, patient, very wise & compassionate.
You are born to achieve targets and serve every one all equally without any prejudice.
You are totally a role model to anybody in the world for a great inspiration.
Your Best match 3, 5, 6, 9. Good match 2..

so u guys might be wondering which is mine?
mine is number 6, so yeah, sharing mine with all of u too..
hehe...
happy reading.. ^^

Jenny~

compare

i am a lady,

with my own personality,

with my own attitude,

with my own way of presenting myself to others.

i am a lady,

with my own words,

with my own talk,

with my own walk,

with my own way of mingling with people.

i am a lady,

with my own way of life,

with my own way of handling matters,

with my own way of seeing things in perspectives.

i am a lady with my own ways of treating different people differently,

friends as friends,

close friends as close friends,

boyfriend as boyfriend,

family as family,

i dont mix my ways because i know,

yes is always a yes,

and no will always be a no.

maybe?

what if?

those will only come when there are enough proof or matters that could make me doubt.

if not, yes is yes.

no is no.

look at me as one individual,

and dont compare or judge me with others,

coz everyone including me is born to be unique and different.

Jenny~

awesome beginning.

so, practicum has been taking away some of my time in blogging,
and while i am blogging here, i can see so many jobs that are calling me,
my reflections for my lesson plans, journal for this week's lessons, my proposal that hasnt started, my new coursework that was just emailed to me and the deadline is like within 2 weeks?
so, basically, i am actually procrastinating and avoid from them by blogging..
coz through blogging, i am able to share,
and by sharing, i am able to feel much happier.

anywayz, what's with the title of the day?
awesome beginning?
well, the beginning of the year wasnt really awesome,
it started with rain, and then stress, and then rain, and then got sick and then rain, and then rain,
but despite all the rain and stress, somethin awesome happened!
i went and took up the challenge to get a driving license this year..
and the process is smooth,
done with the 5 hours course,
and passed the computer test with flying colours in a short time,
and now, i just cant wait for the practical and finally, getting my own license,
and praying hard for my own car too!

as time passed, i realised i have so much things to accomplish in life instead of relationship,
i realised that i wanna do so many things with my life,
and maybe i started to get used with this status,
that i felt like i wanna go out, make more friends and just stay in this way,
till the right one rolled out for me?
haha...

anywayz, i dont have the say when it comes to being in a relationship,
coz the one whose gonna ring the bell and holds out the key to the next person for me is God.

Jenny~

raining.

these days, it kept raining and raining..

and somehow, this condition has been persisting since early of the year..

it rains heavily and made us all felt cold,

and some just kept getting sick, like me...

and this is the type of weather, that though some loves it,

i somehow have a hate and love relationship with it..

well, i love this weather occasionally,

maybe because it made everyone felt cold and wrapped in blankets,

and made our sleep felt much more nicer,

but why i kinda dislike it because it make me feel lazy,

and sometimes rain made me felt sad,

it always remind me sad stuffs and made me felt all sad..

and i keep on repeating the word "sad" in this paragraph..

haha..

but yeah, rain is the factor that always remind me of the past,

maybe because lots of things happened when it was raining,

and it reminds me of the warmth that i once felt,

which is lost now..

and so, rain made me write this post,

which is full of melancholic feelings,

i think i should start building new memories with rain,

so that when it starts raining again, i will think of something happy and not something sad..

rain.

the only weather that made me feel this way.

Jenny~

Valentine

today is Valentine's day.
and like all the other single people out there,
i celebrated with my other friends..
those single friends too,
with wishes same like me, to be able to celebrate the next Valentine's day with a specific someone.

i remembered the past Valentine's day where i was single and not knowing what a relationship was.
the feeling was so different.
it was more to a happy longing for the one..
but tonight, the feeling was different..
its not pain that i felt,
its more of a kind of feeling where u stare at the other couples,
and wishing that u will have the next chance to do like what they did..

i wish i had a Valentine tonight,
same goes to all my single friends,
but i am afraid,
that if i had a Valentine tonight,
will that Valentine leave me like how today will pass in 3 hours?

nevertheless, from a single and lonely lady whose still waiting the so-called right timing and the one, 
i wish those with couples a happy Valentine's day..
may ur love stay strong and sweet like how it has been..
and for those whose still single and waiting like me,
i wish yours will come faster,
coz i dont know when will mine come.
or when will i be able to open up n love again.

Jenny~

quitting

sometimes, i felt like giving up..
not because i am not good in it,
but i feel like i'm not using it much particularly in this environment..
during the whole time of practical, i keep doubting myself..
i know this career,
and i love this career..
but not on dealing with kids...

i face problems with dealing kids..
i dont know how to be like them,
maybe because since i was small, i was trained to think maturely,
and maybe because when i was still a kid, i dont get the chance to enjoy childhood like everyone else..
everyone had their own memories of being a kid,
but me?
i only remember spending my time watching Sesame Streets, reading storybooks or any books and doing role play by being a teacher teaching imaginary students..
and even those imaginary students are not kids..

sigh..
facing challenges to just getting the kids to listen to me had been quite a headache and somehow demotivates me one way or another..
but everytime when i thought of quitting,
i thought back about my teachers who have taught me since i was a kid till now..
if they had given up on me, i am pretty sure i would not be in today's place..
thinking and appreciating their hard work in emulating me into the person i am now,
i held on strong and keep my head high..
coz i know if i give up, then other would also do the same thing,
and by then, who else would groom these future generations?
i guess all i can do is keep on thinking positive,
and knowing that every test is given by God in life to make us stronger and to show to us that its time to grow up.

Jenny~

process of growing up.

i do not know if i have posted this or not..
but if i do, well, i would just carry on,
but it i dont, here it goes..

the process of growing up includes many aspects,
the physical side, emotional aspects as well as spiritual aspects..
in terms of physical side,
i still remember how i dislike make-up products especially lipstick..
coz it made me look ugly..
and how i was so not confident about how i look when i was still a teen..
and also about how i envy people who looks good in real life as well as in photos..
but now, in this age, i started to like make-up products,
i even own some basic ones though eyeliner is still a weird stuff that i haven't master yet,
and how i started to fall in love with it coz it made me pretty when used perfectly..
and also about how confident i am right now on my looks,
and though i do still envy, i did not go to the extent of following their routines..
simply because i am growing up..

in terms of emotional aspects,
i grew up a lot..
when i was small, i thought the world is a peaceful place,
people around me would be nice and could be trusted,
i would find myself a good guy who would appreciate me,
and settle down in the most romantic ways,
but now, in this age, i started to look at the world differently,
the world isn't as nice as i thought it would be,
it is simply a harsh reality that i have to accept,
and in terms of love, i started to stop and think instead of keep pursuing,
mainly because i want to settle for the best,
after a failed relationship which taught me a lot of things,
it changed the way i look in guys and also in a relationship,
and settling down?
its way too fast for this age of mine..
and why do i change my perceptions?
simply because i am growing up.

in terms of spiritual aspects,
i always believe in one God, 
and i always believe that everyone, regardless of what religions or denomination,
they too believe in God.
but in this reality,
it seems so confusing..

so you see,
growing up makes people including me and also everyone else started to look at life and love differently.
people change the way they see things when they get mature.
same goes to me.
being a young adult right now, it helps me to see things differently..
and wished for different things right now..
and my first wish is to lead a good life and ease my family's burden,
2nd wish is to see all my friends happy with their life,
and last but not least, to be able to walk down the aisle one day with the right and the best one for me.

Jenny~

why?

when i thought im ok, im not..
when i thought i forgot, i remember..
when i thought i want, i dont want..
when i thought i dont need, i need..

why?
at these times of the month,
why,
amongst so many people,
and things happening around me
why does it have to be you?
why do i feel this way again?
why?

Jenny~

Practical.

so, basically, i am doing my practicum for 3 months in one of the schools in Keningau,
and why do i write today's post when i never actually wrote one about it during my last two phases?
because i am very disappointed,
and disheartened.
seeing those little kids not motivated in learning English,
keep complaining that all the tasks given are too difficult,
keep saying those words that i despise the most,
"I dont know" and "So difficult"...
this is the first time i experienced such condition since the pupils in my previous practical schools were ok,
they are enthusiastic in learning the language,
but this time, the kids are so different.

if they are being brought up in such a condition,
even when they reached their mature age,
they too will simply say that they dont know or thinks that everything in life is difficult..
and by then, when will they even start to learn to know something or consider something is easy?
and as a teacher that is doing my practical in teaching these kids English,
i blame myself..
being unable to bring myself to their level makes me felt really stressed up,
thinking on how to make myself in par with them makes me felt like i wanna eat all the chocolates around me,
thinking of whether this activity suits them or not makes me felt like i can eat up all the cakes i see,
and therefore, seriously i would like to conclude that,
i am not for kids..

i wish,
seriously wish,
that when i graduate and teach for 5 years in primary school,
i am able to upgrade myself and go out,
and teach people that i know i am able to handle,
or at least at the same par with me..
i seriously wish that..
sigh...

somebody give me ideas on how to be a kid?
Jenny~

Its February!

its the second month of the year..
and by reaching the second month of the year, it shows to me that,
time indeed passed really fast!
and i guess without knowing it, i would be graduating soon!
but before being able to reach that happiness,
there would be like dozens of obstacles and challenges that i have to go through..
yes, there would be..

anywayz, i just came back from my super short CNY holidays,
and though, the spirit of CNY wasnt really felt since there were not much lion dance and i didnt get to go much open houses,
the most important was to gather with my family..
it felt really awesome and nice as i was able to gather with them,
talk to them,
laugh with them,
and thank God, all the hidden stress and tensions have been lifted up,
and now, i am thankful that everything went normal back for me..

Jenny~