so, basically this is the continuation from the previous post,
in which i have stated i would share some stuffs i learn or gain from the course that i went to Kundasang for,
so here it goes,
the whole course actually centered around instilling the spirit of uniting all of us and love to the country,
basically its more to like instilling patriotism amongst us,
in which i would not elaborate further..
maybe because i believe that everyone has their own way of showing their love and affection to the country,
but what i really learnt is,
we gotta co-operate with one another to achieve our goals,
we gotta be creative and innovative if we wanna move forward,
we gotta open ourselves more if we want to gain something,
and we might prioritise others, but others might not put us in any positions in their lives,
hence, what should we do?
if this question is being asked me years ago,
i would say,
kick them out of your life coz they never place u in any positions in their lives,
another word, they are just using you for their own sake..
but now,
my answer?
being first in everyone's life doesnt matter,
but being able to make changes and impact on someone's life is what matters to me the most,
in friendship, i dont mind not being in any position,
because at the end of the day, i will still be at the side of those who needs me..
in love, i do mind being in which position,
because at the end of the day, im the one whose gonna put the whole heart into it.
because im the one whose gonna love.
Jenny~
it rains again.
when it rains,
this little heart seems to know its timing right..
Past two days,
i had a lot of fun,
spending time with my best friends,
doing things that i wouldnt do last time like going for k-box,
eating food that burn my wallet,
and had the best time going around with them as well as alone..
when i thought i was ok the whole time,
i just realised i kept reminiscing the past with my friend,
kept telling her that "i went there, and we did this and that,"
and laughed it off like its a small matter,
but deep inside,
i was hurting my heart again unknowingly..
and now, sitting in my room all alone,
resting from the tiring journey,
this mind thought of something again,
rewinding itself again like a cassette,
and closing my eyes,
felt like watching a movie...
a movie of us..
and then,
like watching a movie,
laughter and tears pursue.
when i thought i have already watched the ending of this movie,
it seems like i never had enough of it,
when i thought i have already stopped watching this movie again,
i watched it again,
when i thought i could stop myself from watching it,
i couldnt, just yet.
Jenny~
when it rains,
this little heart seems to know its timing right..
Past two days,
i had a lot of fun,
spending time with my best friends,
doing things that i wouldnt do last time like going for k-box,
eating food that burn my wallet,
and had the best time going around with them as well as alone..
when i thought i was ok the whole time,
i just realised i kept reminiscing the past with my friend,
kept telling her that "i went there, and we did this and that,"
and laughed it off like its a small matter,
but deep inside,
i was hurting my heart again unknowingly..
and now, sitting in my room all alone,
resting from the tiring journey,
this mind thought of something again,
rewinding itself again like a cassette,
and closing my eyes,
felt like watching a movie...
a movie of us..
and then,
like watching a movie,
laughter and tears pursue.
when i thought i have already watched the ending of this movie,
it seems like i never had enough of it,
when i thought i have already stopped watching this movie again,
i watched it again,
when i thought i could stop myself from watching it,
i couldnt, just yet.
Jenny~
so, basically this is the time of the year that i love the most..
holidays!
though im actually spending it in hostel and not at home,
but still its the time for me to do three things:
1. rest
2. finish up remaining works
3. have fun with the next closest person after my family, my friends!
so, basically i actually had my "vacation" in Kundasang,
the second trip there for a course which was a compulsory for all the final year trainee teachers,
and of course, first impression:
this is gonna be boring, like seriously..
and then the final opinion:
i had like a lot of fun with my most sporting group members!
hehe..
so it was really nice spending time with friends which are those whom i seldom interacted with,
and knowing their real personality,
laughing with them and sharing with them too,
make me feels sad..
sad that we are going to reach the end of the road together soon before parting ways to achieve our goals..
and during the 3 days 2 nights' course,
i actually did learnt a lot..
and of course it's not about the country (though they kept instilling indirect messages, but i love my country in my own ways..).
its more to how i look at things and how i changed my perspectives at one point..
and that will be discussed in the next post..
teehee..
let the holidays begin!
Jenny~
holidays!
though im actually spending it in hostel and not at home,
but still its the time for me to do three things:
1. rest
2. finish up remaining works
3. have fun with the next closest person after my family, my friends!
so, basically i actually had my "vacation" in Kundasang,
the second trip there for a course which was a compulsory for all the final year trainee teachers,
and of course, first impression:
this is gonna be boring, like seriously..
and then the final opinion:
i had like a lot of fun with my most sporting group members!
hehe..
so it was really nice spending time with friends which are those whom i seldom interacted with,
and knowing their real personality,
laughing with them and sharing with them too,
make me feels sad..
sad that we are going to reach the end of the road together soon before parting ways to achieve our goals..
and during the 3 days 2 nights' course,
i actually did learnt a lot..
and of course it's not about the country (though they kept instilling indirect messages, but i love my country in my own ways..).
its more to how i look at things and how i changed my perspectives at one point..
and that will be discussed in the next post..
teehee..
let the holidays begin!
Jenny~
this post is a meaningful post to me.
As in this post, i have taken my decision.
the decision to grow up,
grow out of pain,
to grow out of isolation,
and to become someone that i was last time..
after knowing the truth and the reason why it didnt work out,
i took the best option which is staying away and avoid,
but this year,
it seems like avoiding and staying away have never been the right answers,
avoiding would not solve anything,
and though i always deny it,
at the end of the day,
i am the one who felt the pain.
thus, i have made da decision,
to stop avoiding and start to embrace changes,
things might not be the same like it used to,
but at least i am trying,
we might not be as close as last time,
but at least i am trying,
not to get back together,
but to at least leave this campus on December with good memories, laughters and friendship,
and leaving no regrets,
and no more lingering questions of what-ifs..
and all i need is,
time.
Jenny~
As in this post, i have taken my decision.
the decision to grow up,
grow out of pain,
to grow out of isolation,
and to become someone that i was last time..
after knowing the truth and the reason why it didnt work out,
i took the best option which is staying away and avoid,
but this year,
it seems like avoiding and staying away have never been the right answers,
avoiding would not solve anything,
and though i always deny it,
at the end of the day,
i am the one who felt the pain.
thus, i have made da decision,
to stop avoiding and start to embrace changes,
things might not be the same like it used to,
but at least i am trying,
we might not be as close as last time,
but at least i am trying,
not to get back together,
but to at least leave this campus on December with good memories, laughters and friendship,
and leaving no regrets,
and no more lingering questions of what-ifs..
and all i need is,
time.
Jenny~
today, i got sick.
i got sick both inside and outside.
went and see a doctor,
and get some prescriptions,
so that i can get well.
if i tell you this,
would you tell me to take care of myself well,
or would you ignore?
people say i am stupid,
people also say that i should not be thinking like this,
people also tell me that it is only temporary feelings,
whereby it would be gone after a while.
i promise myself i would start a new chapter,
i even told myself not to write anything like this,
but when those nights come,
the feelings,
the warmth,
the pain,
the tears,
the happiness,
the sadness,
they all come back seeking me..
and at the end of the day, everything is still in its broken pieces.
Jenny~
i got sick both inside and outside.
went and see a doctor,
and get some prescriptions,
so that i can get well.
if i tell you this,
would you tell me to take care of myself well,
or would you ignore?
people say i am stupid,
people also say that i should not be thinking like this,
people also tell me that it is only temporary feelings,
whereby it would be gone after a while.
i promise myself i would start a new chapter,
i even told myself not to write anything like this,
but when those nights come,
the feelings,
the warmth,
the pain,
the tears,
the happiness,
the sadness,
they all come back seeking me..
and at the end of the day, everything is still in its broken pieces.
Jenny~
why does all the bad girls get all the good guys?
why does some people could love somebody and that person love them back too?
why does some people are so lucky?
how do people could stay in a particular relationship so long?
how do people meet and fell in love?
how do they maintain it so long?
why should there be break-ups at the end of the day?
why should heart be broken?
how do heart-broken people feel?
how do those who breaks people's heart feel?
do they feel the pain like how they cause to others?
how do people move on?
how do people settle for another one after the previous one easily?
questions after questions,
answers after answers,
at the end of the day,
there are still unanswered questions,
why can't i be like them?
why can't i feel like them?
how can i be like them?
how can i feel like them again?
why does it still hurt?
how could these tears dare to fall again?
these are the questions that lingers in my mind,
amidst all the workloads that i have been putting myself into to forget these questions,
they still appear at the end of the day.
the questions that have no answers.
the answers with no sense of relief.
at the end of the day, it comes back to me.
only to me.
Jenny~
these days,
i caught myself saying, "i got used to it already.."
getting used to something that i have went through in the past,
and getting used of the feelings that i once felt in the past,
somehow makes me think less compared to the past,
makes me feel lesser compared to the past,
because,
i just got used to it.
Jenny~
i caught myself saying, "i got used to it already.."
getting used to something that i have went through in the past,
and getting used of the feelings that i once felt in the past,
somehow makes me think less compared to the past,
makes me feel lesser compared to the past,
because,
i just got used to it.
Jenny~
once upon a time,
there lived lived a lady..
whose always fantasises of being in so many scenarios,
both in happiness and sadness..
sometimes, she wonders if she would be ever be in that situations that she imagined,
but no matter what, she couldnt stop from imagining all kinds of possible scenarios that she might face one day..
so one day, she got her chance to do so..
she went through each and every scenario that she has planned in her head all this while,
she strolled happily and seeing that everything happened according to her scenarios.
but she never knew she would have to go through an unexpected scenario,
the scenario of breaking up..
and then, she moved on..
moving through all the scenarios that she once wanted to feel,
but eventually, now
she wished she didnt go through all those scenarios..
and now, she is back to her usual self,
with plasters and wounds,
she thought she is now smart enough not to do the similar mistakes,
but she is still stupid,
stupid enough to even think of it,
stupid enough to even make a choice that wasnt there at the first place,
stupid enough to get hurt silently,
stupid enough of thinking of moving back to square one after all the things she went through,
and is stupid enough to even think of any impossible possibilities.
stupid girl.
wake up.
be the old "you" back.
coz you need to.
Jenny~
there lived lived a lady..
whose always fantasises of being in so many scenarios,
both in happiness and sadness..
sometimes, she wonders if she would be ever be in that situations that she imagined,
but no matter what, she couldnt stop from imagining all kinds of possible scenarios that she might face one day..
so one day, she got her chance to do so..
she went through each and every scenario that she has planned in her head all this while,
she strolled happily and seeing that everything happened according to her scenarios.
but she never knew she would have to go through an unexpected scenario,
the scenario of breaking up..
and then, she moved on..
moving through all the scenarios that she once wanted to feel,
but eventually, now
she wished she didnt go through all those scenarios..
and now, she is back to her usual self,
with plasters and wounds,
she thought she is now smart enough not to do the similar mistakes,
but she is still stupid,
stupid enough to even think of it,
stupid enough to even make a choice that wasnt there at the first place,
stupid enough to get hurt silently,
stupid enough of thinking of moving back to square one after all the things she went through,
and is stupid enough to even think of any impossible possibilities.
stupid girl.
wake up.
be the old "you" back.
coz you need to.
Jenny~
so i have not been updating this blog for quite some time..
and the main reason was because i'm like so busy,
busy with works, assignments, activities in school and lessons..
and even now, there are like a lot of things uncompleted..
so what's up now?
well, there is one assignment that's gonna be due next week,
proposal that i hasnt even start drafting what more to say handing in,
school's activity that seems like endless,
observations that pop out like pimples without any warnings,
lesson plans that must be completed daily,
and a lot of unknown and unexpected stuffs happening that just makes everything look so busy..
with time constraint and so much pressure form different kinds of sources,
my brain seems to only functioning in thinking about how to settle my work and sleep..
and i started to get used to being single where my brain is like customed to think only about work, money and how to spend my time in relaxing myself..
when people or even my parents ask me about relationship, i would say, after graduate or when i think i found the right one or sometimes, i just laugh it off..
the brain has too much to think of and relationship is definitely not one of it...
maybe getting too used to being alone makes me feel like the old me,
and im kinda worried,
that i would one day forget how to recognise love,
or even put my trust and love on someone again..
im also worried with the walls im building,
i would not be able to let it down for any next person..
timing might be the answer,
but with the walls around me,
i doubt.
Jenny~
and the main reason was because i'm like so busy,
busy with works, assignments, activities in school and lessons..
and even now, there are like a lot of things uncompleted..
so what's up now?
well, there is one assignment that's gonna be due next week,
proposal that i hasnt even start drafting what more to say handing in,
school's activity that seems like endless,
observations that pop out like pimples without any warnings,
lesson plans that must be completed daily,
and a lot of unknown and unexpected stuffs happening that just makes everything look so busy..
with time constraint and so much pressure form different kinds of sources,
my brain seems to only functioning in thinking about how to settle my work and sleep..
and i started to get used to being single where my brain is like customed to think only about work, money and how to spend my time in relaxing myself..
when people or even my parents ask me about relationship, i would say, after graduate or when i think i found the right one or sometimes, i just laugh it off..
the brain has too much to think of and relationship is definitely not one of it...
maybe getting too used to being alone makes me feel like the old me,
and im kinda worried,
that i would one day forget how to recognise love,
or even put my trust and love on someone again..
im also worried with the walls im building,
i would not be able to let it down for any next person..
timing might be the answer,
but with the walls around me,
i doubt.
Jenny~
sometimes, when i thought i'm all alone without anyone beside me,
I realised that i actually had my family especially my parents whose always there for me,
when i thought i dont have anyone to talk about my problems and my days,
i realised i have my closest friends around me,
though they can't help me to solve my problems,
their presence means a lot to me,
being able to talk to them though they can't help, make me feel and able to see things much better..
when i thought no one would care about me,
i realised that there is someone who do..
and the feeling of being cared of, though very minimal and only through social networking,
it made me felt,
though one door has been closed,
another door might be opened a bit at a time..
i believe that though He took one away, He would replace the one with someone better..
and all i could do, is to have faith in His plans,
and let things happen in its own course..
love would always prevail itself to those whose patient.
Jenny~
I realised that i actually had my family especially my parents whose always there for me,
when i thought i dont have anyone to talk about my problems and my days,
i realised i have my closest friends around me,
though they can't help me to solve my problems,
their presence means a lot to me,
being able to talk to them though they can't help, make me feel and able to see things much better..
when i thought no one would care about me,
i realised that there is someone who do..
and the feeling of being cared of, though very minimal and only through social networking,
it made me felt,
though one door has been closed,
another door might be opened a bit at a time..
i believe that though He took one away, He would replace the one with someone better..
and all i could do, is to have faith in His plans,
and let things happen in its own course..
love would always prevail itself to those whose patient.
Jenny~
life is about embracing changes, right?
and yes, i am embracing changes all the time,
and changes are unavoidable..
the word of the day: unavoidable..
simply defined as something or someone that we cannot avoid,
going through life as a kid, teen, and now a young adult whose still thinks pink is cute (teehee),
i have seen unavoidable things,
that people tried to avoid but still unable,
unavoidable pain,
unavoidable love,
unavoidable breakups,
unavoidable relationships,
unavoidable death,
unavoidable life,
unavoidable sweetness,
unavoidable bitterness,
everything seems to be part and parcel of life,
and to be able to continue striving for this life and for our own happiness,
i guess i have to accept the unavoidable stuffs..
as a part and parcel of life..
it might hurt or cure me,
it might make me sad or happy,
it might make my life sweet or bitter,
it might make me felt pain or love,
but by accepting the unavoidables, i would know by the end of the day, which option am i going to receive.
so, i've embraced changes and loneliness in life,
it's time to embrace the unavoidable.
Jenny~
and yes, i am embracing changes all the time,
and changes are unavoidable..
the word of the day: unavoidable..
simply defined as something or someone that we cannot avoid,
going through life as a kid, teen, and now a young adult whose still thinks pink is cute (teehee),
i have seen unavoidable things,
that people tried to avoid but still unable,
unavoidable pain,
unavoidable love,
unavoidable breakups,
unavoidable relationships,
unavoidable death,
unavoidable life,
unavoidable sweetness,
unavoidable bitterness,
everything seems to be part and parcel of life,
and to be able to continue striving for this life and for our own happiness,
i guess i have to accept the unavoidable stuffs..
as a part and parcel of life..
it might hurt or cure me,
it might make me sad or happy,
it might make my life sweet or bitter,
it might make me felt pain or love,
but by accepting the unavoidables, i would know by the end of the day, which option am i going to receive.
so, i've embraced changes and loneliness in life,
it's time to embrace the unavoidable.
Jenny~
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