How is she?
Is she doing fine now?
Is she still sitting at the cafe, waiting for someone to come and make her light up?
Or has she packed up and head to the train station?
Has she took the next train?
Or is she still waiting for the train to come?
She is still there.
Sitting on the bench alone.
Covered with her red scarf,
Her eyes glistened with tears.
How long does she has to be here?
How much longer should she wait?
Where should she go next?
She looked up at the sky,
And closed her eyes.
He is still there.
She opened her eyes,
stood up,
and walked aimlessly,
not knowing where to go next,
what to do next,
and who to meet next.
She smiled to every stranger,
though her heart aches.
She made small talks with people around her,
though her heart still longs for him.
She talked about moving on,
when she hasn't moved on.
She was okay,
but she isn't.
She needs a closure.
She needs a reason.
To move on.
Jenny~
Holidays.
Finally, the long awaited break has eventually arrived.
And as usual, everyone is excited with the long break,
excited with their upcoming travel plans, or just spending their time with their families,
but not for me.
For me,
holidays mean studies.
And yes, I am now in my final semester of my Masters journey,
and I am still in the midst of completing my project paper which has been put off for several months due to hectic workloads.
Therefore, this long break is going to be filled with lots of heartaches and stress to complete as well as hand in the necessary tasks before really going off for a break.
Unlike other people, I am always feeling down when it comes to holidays.
The feeling of being at home alone,
with no one to talk or laugh with,
with no one surrounding me and making feel accompanied,
makes me at times dread for holidays, especially long ones.
Holidays also remind me of someone.
Time passes and he still lingers in my mind.
Time passes and his presence, smile and those conversations still hitting the replay button in my head.
And only work could pause and eliminate these old aches.
Save me from plunging deeper into this dark pit of workloads,
Save me from continuously seeking my way into this dark pit of workloads,
Somebody save me.
Jenny~
Busiest time of my life.
Busy with school events,
school workloads,
documents for observations,
documents for parents' meeting,
courses and fulfilling duties as per instructed by the higher authorities,
assignments,
my incomplete paper.
It is always during the busiest time of my life that makes me miss your presence the most when its too unbearable.
It is always during the busiest time of my life that makes me addicted with the exhilaration and pressure that I forgot to let go of myself at times.
And it is always during the busiest time of my life that makes me the happiest even though under the most intense pressure,
and when everything has been settled,
it is always going to be the loneliest, saddest and hardest reality to face,
the reality that I am still alone,
lonely.
Jenny.
I had just came back from Lawas couple of days ago to give a short briefing on a certain part of a course.
And the feeling was great.
I remembered how all the teachers first saw me and had the impression that I was just a small kid,
who knew nothing,
and who are inexperienced with my own knowledge.
I remembered how the lecturers and the officer were staring at me with two kinds of impression,
An impression of gratitude as I am able to assist them,
and an impression of being wary and doubtful whether I am able to assist them.
And because of that, it geared up my level of motivation,
of wanting to do better and to be the best in my field of work,
especially in terms of delivering the content that I am supposed to deliver.
I told myself that in order to gain respect from people,
I should first respect them and always stay humble.
And that was what I did in three slots of my briefing in the course for two days one night in Lawas.
The result?
The lecturers were really nice to me and wished me the best in my future endeavors.
The way they looked at me have changed and gave me the sense of satisfaction whenever they talked to me.
The officer who doubted me became someone who shared the most insights with me.
And I am thankful and grateful for her doubts as that has empowered me into being the most confident speaker in front of almost 80 teachers.
The course participants which comprised of senior and young teachers were attentive and the friendliest by the end of my slot.
The way they approached me and wished me safe journey back to Miri as well as thanking me for everything that I have shared,
those are the little things that bring so much joy and motivation for me to do better in the next duty.
I realised that as I am growing more mature,
I do not need high salary to feel satisfied with my achievement,
all I need are the littlest things such as being appreciated and thanked for the things that I have done for them.
Because in my life, I hold on to people's views on me and I would work hard just to show people that I can and I will be better.
Because in my life, I observed people and I learnt as well as practiced only the good ones on myself in order to be different from the people that I mingled with.
And most importantly, in my life, I want to be the best version of myself so that I would not be left in regrets for not doing so.
I seek the best for myself in order to meet the best for myself in near future.
Jenny~
And the feeling was great.
I remembered how all the teachers first saw me and had the impression that I was just a small kid,
who knew nothing,
and who are inexperienced with my own knowledge.
I remembered how the lecturers and the officer were staring at me with two kinds of impression,
An impression of gratitude as I am able to assist them,
and an impression of being wary and doubtful whether I am able to assist them.
And because of that, it geared up my level of motivation,
of wanting to do better and to be the best in my field of work,
especially in terms of delivering the content that I am supposed to deliver.
I told myself that in order to gain respect from people,
I should first respect them and always stay humble.
And that was what I did in three slots of my briefing in the course for two days one night in Lawas.
The result?
The lecturers were really nice to me and wished me the best in my future endeavors.
The way they looked at me have changed and gave me the sense of satisfaction whenever they talked to me.
The officer who doubted me became someone who shared the most insights with me.
And I am thankful and grateful for her doubts as that has empowered me into being the most confident speaker in front of almost 80 teachers.
The course participants which comprised of senior and young teachers were attentive and the friendliest by the end of my slot.
The way they approached me and wished me safe journey back to Miri as well as thanking me for everything that I have shared,
those are the little things that bring so much joy and motivation for me to do better in the next duty.
I realised that as I am growing more mature,
I do not need high salary to feel satisfied with my achievement,
all I need are the littlest things such as being appreciated and thanked for the things that I have done for them.
Because in my life, I hold on to people's views on me and I would work hard just to show people that I can and I will be better.
Because in my life, I observed people and I learnt as well as practiced only the good ones on myself in order to be different from the people that I mingled with.
And most importantly, in my life, I want to be the best version of myself so that I would not be left in regrets for not doing so.
I seek the best for myself in order to meet the best for myself in near future.
Jenny~
Being in my 5th year in my career somehow opens my eyes to many things around me,
and one of the major changes that I experience in my 5th year career is on my perceptions of the pupils that I am teaching,
especially those who are in Year 6 and are now reaching to their most rebellious stages.
I remembered how I hated to teach weak pupils,
how I always perceive them as the "bad students", "naughty pupils", those who would never succeed in life.
However, after 2016 batch of Year 6 where I witnessed a miracle of my weakest pupils passing their English Language papers after 2 years of trying my very best to help them,
my view on these "naughty pupils" have changed drastically.
Not only that, my feelings and the way I tried to approach them during my teaching as well as after class hours have also changed a lot.
Nowadays, I tried to build good relationship with them,
Trying my best to be firm, stern and a fear to them,
while at the same time, being friendly, the joker of the class and always know how to inject humor in every situations with them during the teaching session.
By doing so, I realised that I am now closer to them,
I slowly see their true colours and despite all the naughtiness and worst things that they ever done,
all they wanted is attention and someone who is willing to listen without directly judging them.
I am saddened by some teachers' attitudes who directly labeled these kids due to their mistakes in lives
I am saddened by some teachers who look at them as horrible creatures due to their wrongdoings in the past years,
and I am indeed saddened by some teachers who gave up on them right from the start instead of trying their best to re-evaluate themselves in the teaching process.
I nearly gave up teaching this year's batch of Year 6,
I was in a lot of frustration and anger when dealing a class filled with boys,
I walked out of the class in anger, slammed tables with my fist, shouted at the pupils in anger and launched a cold war with those kids due to immense anger and fury,
but at the end of the day, I still respect them and tried my best to reflect on my actions,
while figuring out how I could help them.
There are times that they are at fault, and as a teacher, as long as we can help them, we should try to help them by all means.
I do not believe in giving up on them,
I believe that they are sent to me for a reason,
and the reason is that I should touch their heart instead of just ensuring they excel in their studies.
5th year of career,
I have finally found out what kind of teacher I need to be,
a teacher who touches a pupil's heart,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see the better in the worst situation,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see their own potentials and eventually be successful regardless of what they are doing.
I couldn't promise 100% of my pupils would be successful in the future,
but I believe in 100%, there would always be that one or two who would make me proud when they grow up.
Jenny~
and one of the major changes that I experience in my 5th year career is on my perceptions of the pupils that I am teaching,
especially those who are in Year 6 and are now reaching to their most rebellious stages.
I remembered how I hated to teach weak pupils,
how I always perceive them as the "bad students", "naughty pupils", those who would never succeed in life.
However, after 2016 batch of Year 6 where I witnessed a miracle of my weakest pupils passing their English Language papers after 2 years of trying my very best to help them,
my view on these "naughty pupils" have changed drastically.
Not only that, my feelings and the way I tried to approach them during my teaching as well as after class hours have also changed a lot.
Nowadays, I tried to build good relationship with them,
Trying my best to be firm, stern and a fear to them,
while at the same time, being friendly, the joker of the class and always know how to inject humor in every situations with them during the teaching session.
By doing so, I realised that I am now closer to them,
I slowly see their true colours and despite all the naughtiness and worst things that they ever done,
all they wanted is attention and someone who is willing to listen without directly judging them.
I am saddened by some teachers' attitudes who directly labeled these kids due to their mistakes in lives
I am saddened by some teachers who look at them as horrible creatures due to their wrongdoings in the past years,
and I am indeed saddened by some teachers who gave up on them right from the start instead of trying their best to re-evaluate themselves in the teaching process.
I nearly gave up teaching this year's batch of Year 6,
I was in a lot of frustration and anger when dealing a class filled with boys,
I walked out of the class in anger, slammed tables with my fist, shouted at the pupils in anger and launched a cold war with those kids due to immense anger and fury,
but at the end of the day, I still respect them and tried my best to reflect on my actions,
while figuring out how I could help them.
There are times that they are at fault, and as a teacher, as long as we can help them, we should try to help them by all means.
I do not believe in giving up on them,
I believe that they are sent to me for a reason,
and the reason is that I should touch their heart instead of just ensuring they excel in their studies.
5th year of career,
I have finally found out what kind of teacher I need to be,
a teacher who touches a pupil's heart,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see the better in the worst situation,
a teacher who could lead a pupil to see their own potentials and eventually be successful regardless of what they are doing.
I couldn't promise 100% of my pupils would be successful in the future,
but I believe in 100%, there would always be that one or two who would make me proud when they grow up.
Jenny~
I am the type of person who would call my mom every night just to have a short conversation with her.
Usually, we would just ask one another what we were doing and what we had for dinner and stuffs,
and of course, the normal lecture of eating unhealthy food and less vegetables.
But after moving in to a new place with my brother, I realised that I complained less about my health,
I also felt much happier these days,
with less worries and anxiety except for those which were caused by my immense workloads and assignments.
So, tonight, as usual, I had the normal conversation with mom,
when I told her how time flies so fast,
and we are almost reaching the end of 2019 and towards 2020 in a couple of months,
and that's when my mom struck me with the statement that I wish she would not say,
"And yet, you are still single."
I didn't argue with her nor did I replied the statement,
and I immediately changed topic to avoid venturing deep into that.
Honestly, I have reached the age where finding the one seems to not matter so much already,
where I don't believe in love at first sight nor love is somewhere there at the corner waiting for me to discover him.
I have reached the age where most of my friends are either married or having kids.
The moments of desperation as well as hoping so much to be in love and end up like them seems to not work like it used to be already.
Right now, I felt really happy with what is happening.
Less drama, less waiting, less anxiety and less heartbreaks.
Don't get me wrong,
it's not that I do not want to fall in love anymore,
I still hold on to my principle of wanting to get married by giving myself a break for 3 years after Masters.
I still do want to walk down the aisle and have a happy family with the man who would love me and respect my decisions in my career.
I still would want to look into the eyes of the man who would always look out for me and support my decisions even though it might be the craziest thing to do.
And I still would want to be with the man who prioritizes me while not forgetting to live as well.
And I still want to love the man who loves me and make me feel safe, knowing that I am the one he needed all this while.
I still do.
It's just that I am letting things to happen at its very own course,
while enjoying whatever is happening now.
Jenny~
I was sent to Sibu last week for a three days symposium,
and I was thrilled to attend the symposium which witnessed amazing speakers from various parts of the countries and our own states.
To be able to be there and listening to their amazing and inspiring sharing about teaching,
how to make a difference in people's lives,
as well as embracing changes that is bound to happen in a person's life regardless of how we tried to stop it,
it was amazing!
During those three days, I was grateful for my IPG friend for her willingness to bring me around,
as well as kept me accompanied throughout those sessions,
Honestly speaking, both of us were super close back at IPG,
but one small mistake that was committed by me somehow caused both of us to be awkward with one another for quite some time.
Time passes and I am happy that she is now willing to share things with me,
and listened to me when it comes to sharing session.
I remembered that I have always envied her as she is pretty and always have admirers surrounding her right until now,
but I realised that it is not all beautiful for her as she couldnt even be casual with any guys without leading them into hopeless love,
or even having good friend around as the guy that they have crush will eventually fall for her.
But all I can say about her is I really hope that she will find her happiness and eventually be reunited with her love amidst all the obstacles that are in their way.
When I was at symposium, I was happy to be surrounded by inspiring people,
though I didnt really make new friends there,
but I was happy that people finally know my presence during my reflection session.
Yes, I was lucky enough to be asked to go on stage to share my reflection about the symposium in front of hundreds of teachers and distinguished guests.
At that moment, I realised that this is the time for me to shine,
time for people to hear what I am going to say and the time for me to unleash my inner potential,
and I did it!
The happiness of hearing people cheer for me and clap for me was amazing,
and thats when I realised that, I belong to the stage.
And I need to work really hard to be on stage one day like those speakers that I witnessed.
And I realised that at that moment, I was no longer searching for a person,
I was confident enough to be up there on my own.
I no longer hope to see that one man to walk up to me,
I was fine being applaud by many.
I no longer hope to meet a man amidst the crowd,
I was fine being me at all time.
And I realised that I am becoming less and less hopeful when it comes to meeting new people.
A friend told me to stop hoping,
He said that by doing so, it will stop me from getting heartbreaks.
And yes, my friend.
I stopped hoping,
and I start to walk towards the unknown path of my future,
independently.
Jenny~
and I was thrilled to attend the symposium which witnessed amazing speakers from various parts of the countries and our own states.
To be able to be there and listening to their amazing and inspiring sharing about teaching,
how to make a difference in people's lives,
as well as embracing changes that is bound to happen in a person's life regardless of how we tried to stop it,
it was amazing!
During those three days, I was grateful for my IPG friend for her willingness to bring me around,
as well as kept me accompanied throughout those sessions,
Honestly speaking, both of us were super close back at IPG,
but one small mistake that was committed by me somehow caused both of us to be awkward with one another for quite some time.
Time passes and I am happy that she is now willing to share things with me,
and listened to me when it comes to sharing session.
I remembered that I have always envied her as she is pretty and always have admirers surrounding her right until now,
but I realised that it is not all beautiful for her as she couldnt even be casual with any guys without leading them into hopeless love,
or even having good friend around as the guy that they have crush will eventually fall for her.
But all I can say about her is I really hope that she will find her happiness and eventually be reunited with her love amidst all the obstacles that are in their way.
When I was at symposium, I was happy to be surrounded by inspiring people,
though I didnt really make new friends there,
but I was happy that people finally know my presence during my reflection session.
Yes, I was lucky enough to be asked to go on stage to share my reflection about the symposium in front of hundreds of teachers and distinguished guests.
At that moment, I realised that this is the time for me to shine,
time for people to hear what I am going to say and the time for me to unleash my inner potential,
and I did it!
The happiness of hearing people cheer for me and clap for me was amazing,
and thats when I realised that, I belong to the stage.
And I need to work really hard to be on stage one day like those speakers that I witnessed.
And I realised that at that moment, I was no longer searching for a person,
I was confident enough to be up there on my own.
I no longer hope to see that one man to walk up to me,
I was fine being applaud by many.
I no longer hope to meet a man amidst the crowd,
I was fine being me at all time.
And I realised that I am becoming less and less hopeful when it comes to meeting new people.
A friend told me to stop hoping,
He said that by doing so, it will stop me from getting heartbreaks.
And yes, my friend.
I stopped hoping,
and I start to walk towards the unknown path of my future,
independently.
Jenny~
I was sent to Kuching yesterday for a duty,
and I was grateful as well as thankful to meet amazing people,
and one of them was a lady who already had 3 children and is still looking young as ever.
We talked a lot and I told her about my relationship issues,
and how I got over it and how I am really happy currently with less pressure on settling down.
And she told me her happiness before she started to mention the hardships that she went through as well while being a wife, mother and a daughter in law.
From there, I learnt a lot.
I learnt that it is not easy to stay married.
It takes a lot of commitment, patience as well as tolerance with one another in order to make things happen.
And it doesn't always happen with both sides.
There are times when the other half is not listening,
is not paying attention,
is always by the side of the in law and leaving you with no option but to suffer in silence.
But not every wedding ends in heartbreaks.
The most important lesson in it is that you and the other half is willingly to work together to achieve peace and harmony in a family.
From listening to her experience,
I realised that I am actually not ready to go through all this just yet.
I dont have the commitment nor the patience to be able to pull through these stuffs,
what more if its with a guy that I just merely love.
And I am somewhat thankful for still being single,
at least I am able to learn more and more about marriage and really prepare myself for it when the time comes.
It indeed takes two to tango,
and it is important the other half is appreciative of you like how you are appreciative to him/her.
And before forgetting, she even advised me to take work easily.
And I can see how she is worried about how crazy am I with work.
I also thought I am too indulged into work until I forgot to give myself some break at times.
But I realised that work and studies are the only thing that is keeping me sane and a pause from thinking of the unnecessary.
And somehow, like what I have mentioned previously, work and studies are my comfort zone.
A zone where there is no mention or thoughts of relationship is brought upon.
A zone where I know my heart won't break when I put on high hopes on it.
As crazy as it is, I am waiting for the one who could break the high walls that I have hidden myself in which is my passion and obsession to my work.
Someone, come and find me.
Jenny~
and I was grateful as well as thankful to meet amazing people,
and one of them was a lady who already had 3 children and is still looking young as ever.
We talked a lot and I told her about my relationship issues,
and how I got over it and how I am really happy currently with less pressure on settling down.
And she told me her happiness before she started to mention the hardships that she went through as well while being a wife, mother and a daughter in law.
From there, I learnt a lot.
I learnt that it is not easy to stay married.
It takes a lot of commitment, patience as well as tolerance with one another in order to make things happen.
And it doesn't always happen with both sides.
There are times when the other half is not listening,
is not paying attention,
is always by the side of the in law and leaving you with no option but to suffer in silence.
But not every wedding ends in heartbreaks.
The most important lesson in it is that you and the other half is willingly to work together to achieve peace and harmony in a family.
From listening to her experience,
I realised that I am actually not ready to go through all this just yet.
I dont have the commitment nor the patience to be able to pull through these stuffs,
what more if its with a guy that I just merely love.
And I am somewhat thankful for still being single,
at least I am able to learn more and more about marriage and really prepare myself for it when the time comes.
It indeed takes two to tango,
and it is important the other half is appreciative of you like how you are appreciative to him/her.
And before forgetting, she even advised me to take work easily.
And I can see how she is worried about how crazy am I with work.
I also thought I am too indulged into work until I forgot to give myself some break at times.
But I realised that work and studies are the only thing that is keeping me sane and a pause from thinking of the unnecessary.
And somehow, like what I have mentioned previously, work and studies are my comfort zone.
A zone where there is no mention or thoughts of relationship is brought upon.
A zone where I know my heart won't break when I put on high hopes on it.
As crazy as it is, I am waiting for the one who could break the high walls that I have hidden myself in which is my passion and obsession to my work.
Someone, come and find me.
Jenny~
Gone were the days when I always imagined myself falling in love helplessly,
Gone were the days when I always trust that I would eventually meet the love of my life,
Gone were the days when I always imagines myself being happily married,
Gone were the days when I always imagine falling in love when I attend any events,
Gone were those days.
I forgot how to feel,
Everytime I am attending a certain event, instead of looking forward for it,
All I could think of is how I would end up being miserable, all alone in this event,
surrounded by old people and having no chance of meeting or befriending with someone that I could connect to.
Everytime, I am attending dinner or some sort of matchmaking session, instead of having positive outlook on it,
All I could think of is how this guy is going to disappoint me with his weird attitudes or being a pervert at the end.
Everytime, I wanted to text someone,
All I could think of is how I am going to get the cold shoulders again or worse, being left at the blue ticks again.
Where has that positive, helplessly in love with the idea of being in love kind of person?
Somehow, time and age has slowly turned me into someone who doesn't feel much these days,
someone who slowly lost her trust in love,
or meeting the love of her life.
Slowly, I am turning into someone who just want to be inside the house,
and feeling scared of meeting anyone or even getting any closer with someone,
fearing of being left behind, getting hurt or meeting some weird perverts again.
Finally, I understand how Ted from HIMYM felt in the series.
The feeling of being hopeless and slowly turning away from love before he finally met the one.
Do I have to do the same as well?
Jenny~
Gone were the days when I always trust that I would eventually meet the love of my life,
Gone were the days when I always imagines myself being happily married,
Gone were the days when I always imagine falling in love when I attend any events,
Gone were those days.
I forgot how to feel,
Everytime I am attending a certain event, instead of looking forward for it,
All I could think of is how I would end up being miserable, all alone in this event,
surrounded by old people and having no chance of meeting or befriending with someone that I could connect to.
Everytime, I am attending dinner or some sort of matchmaking session, instead of having positive outlook on it,
All I could think of is how this guy is going to disappoint me with his weird attitudes or being a pervert at the end.
Everytime, I wanted to text someone,
All I could think of is how I am going to get the cold shoulders again or worse, being left at the blue ticks again.
Where has that positive, helplessly in love with the idea of being in love kind of person?
Somehow, time and age has slowly turned me into someone who doesn't feel much these days,
someone who slowly lost her trust in love,
or meeting the love of her life.
Slowly, I am turning into someone who just want to be inside the house,
and feeling scared of meeting anyone or even getting any closer with someone,
fearing of being left behind, getting hurt or meeting some weird perverts again.
Finally, I understand how Ted from HIMYM felt in the series.
The feeling of being hopeless and slowly turning away from love before he finally met the one.
Do I have to do the same as well?
Jenny~
To the stranger named David,
I don't know if you really exist in this world,
but I want to thank you for entering my dream the other night.
I don't recall how you look by now,
but I remember your sparkling eyes,
your smile,
and your voice when you reached out to me.
I remembered how you told me that we have met for the second time,
and you introduced yourself as,
David.
Thank you for protecting me in my dream,
for holding my hands and ensuring that I was safe and warm in the dream.
Some of you might wonder why is this dream so significant to me.
And my answer is,
of all the dream I ever dreamt,
I never get to see the man's face,
or hear his voice,
and this is for the first time,
I could feel that it was real though it was only a dream.
I could feel that it was happening in real life though it was only a dream.
And I could feel the warmth and the feeling of finally being safe and secure being around someone,
though it was just a dream.
Therefore,
to the stranger named David,
I don't know who are you or where are you,
But if you really exist in this world,
I hope you will reach out to me like how you reached out to me in the dream,
I hope you will tell me that we have met for the second time,
and introduced yourself to me for the third time,
and I hope that you will be able to give me the same sense of warmth and security.
Jenny.
I don't know if you really exist in this world,
but I want to thank you for entering my dream the other night.
I don't recall how you look by now,
but I remember your sparkling eyes,
your smile,
and your voice when you reached out to me.
I remembered how you told me that we have met for the second time,
and you introduced yourself as,
David.
Thank you for protecting me in my dream,
for holding my hands and ensuring that I was safe and warm in the dream.
Some of you might wonder why is this dream so significant to me.
And my answer is,
of all the dream I ever dreamt,
I never get to see the man's face,
or hear his voice,
and this is for the first time,
I could feel that it was real though it was only a dream.
I could feel that it was happening in real life though it was only a dream.
And I could feel the warmth and the feeling of finally being safe and secure being around someone,
though it was just a dream.
Therefore,
to the stranger named David,
I don't know who are you or where are you,
But if you really exist in this world,
I hope you will reach out to me like how you reached out to me in the dream,
I hope you will tell me that we have met for the second time,
and introduced yourself to me for the third time,
and I hope that you will be able to give me the same sense of warmth and security.
Jenny.
It has been quite a while not updating in this blog.
Assignments as well as workloads have been piling up previously,
and kept me away from updating the blog.
And thank God, everything has been settled,
and now, I am awaiting for my result before I proceed to my final semester in this journey of getting a Masters.
Life has been a normal routine for me.
Wake up in the morning, head to work, fulfilling my duties as an educator, head back home for lunch, TV and nap, then TV and games before repeating the same cycle again.
And for me, life is peaceful this way.
Relationship has been cast aside,
and without I knowing it, it has been placed at the furthest point in my life currently.
And I am back to being a fangirl of Kpop group,
in which I kept myself updated for every single detail of the group,
as well as wishing that I could attend their concert in the near future.
I guess this little fangirling moment has indeed helped me to cast aside any overthinking on relationship for the meantime.
And I also realised that instead of saying that there won't be anyone for me out there,
I always tell myself as well as others that I might just find a guy next year or get married next year.
No, I haven't found anyone yet but I guess by saying positive things like that will help me to feel confident that things will eventually fall in place when time comes.
I have listened to a lot of stories especially after-marriage stories where life was not the happily-ever-after that we often imagined it could be.
Challenges after challenges,
changes in routines,
lack of freedom to make own choices in career and life,
wrong choice of partners,
and the realisation of having to bear living with the man of the wrong choice due to being in a rush,
these are the things that somehow freak me out when people tried to talk me into getting married or meeting someone in blind dates.
I remembered how desperate I was to cling onto a man because I was in a rush,
and ended up getting hurt so badly that I lost hope.
I remembered how desperate I was that I didn't listen to my brain when I met a pervert,
and ended up getting traumatised with how things progressed and eventually ended by me.
And because of that,
I learnt my lesson.
Someone is out there for me,
and feeling in a rush is never going to help me get to the person.
Therefore, I kept myself happy by loving myself more,
by doing things that I love,
by being myself and truly myself instead of moulding another persona just to appease someone else,
and eventually, being confident that one day, I, too, will walk down the aisle with the man that I know is right for me.
The one who would support me in my choice of career,
The one who would be there through my ups and downs,
and the one who would make me feel safe and not wary about how he felt,
and till the day comes,
I am going to pour all this love to me, myself and I.
Jenny~
Assignments as well as workloads have been piling up previously,
and kept me away from updating the blog.
And thank God, everything has been settled,
and now, I am awaiting for my result before I proceed to my final semester in this journey of getting a Masters.
Life has been a normal routine for me.
Wake up in the morning, head to work, fulfilling my duties as an educator, head back home for lunch, TV and nap, then TV and games before repeating the same cycle again.
And for me, life is peaceful this way.
Relationship has been cast aside,
and without I knowing it, it has been placed at the furthest point in my life currently.
And I am back to being a fangirl of Kpop group,
in which I kept myself updated for every single detail of the group,
as well as wishing that I could attend their concert in the near future.
I guess this little fangirling moment has indeed helped me to cast aside any overthinking on relationship for the meantime.
And I also realised that instead of saying that there won't be anyone for me out there,
I always tell myself as well as others that I might just find a guy next year or get married next year.
No, I haven't found anyone yet but I guess by saying positive things like that will help me to feel confident that things will eventually fall in place when time comes.
I have listened to a lot of stories especially after-marriage stories where life was not the happily-ever-after that we often imagined it could be.
Challenges after challenges,
changes in routines,
lack of freedom to make own choices in career and life,
wrong choice of partners,
and the realisation of having to bear living with the man of the wrong choice due to being in a rush,
these are the things that somehow freak me out when people tried to talk me into getting married or meeting someone in blind dates.
I remembered how desperate I was to cling onto a man because I was in a rush,
and ended up getting hurt so badly that I lost hope.
I remembered how desperate I was that I didn't listen to my brain when I met a pervert,
and ended up getting traumatised with how things progressed and eventually ended by me.
And because of that,
I learnt my lesson.
Someone is out there for me,
and feeling in a rush is never going to help me get to the person.
Therefore, I kept myself happy by loving myself more,
by doing things that I love,
by being myself and truly myself instead of moulding another persona just to appease someone else,
and eventually, being confident that one day, I, too, will walk down the aisle with the man that I know is right for me.
The one who would support me in my choice of career,
The one who would be there through my ups and downs,
and the one who would make me feel safe and not wary about how he felt,
and till the day comes,
I am going to pour all this love to me, myself and I.
Jenny~
This is my second night of staying up late at night,
trying to complete the pending tasks and assignments,
trying to beat deadlines for this semester,
alone in this battle,
and longing for someone to at least called to ask if I am okay.
No matter how much I told myself that I don't really want to care about relationships,
deep inside,
it still matters a lot to me.
I, like all the other ladies out there,
wished to be embraced,
loved,
and cared for.
Wished that someone would call and asked if I am already sleeping,
or text to ask if I need anything
or tell me that I can do this and he will always be there to support me.
Wished that someone would send me food and drinks to boost my energy level while battling,
that someone would just ring my phone and tell me that he is here,
even without bringing anything,
just able to see him or listen to him would made my day or night even better.
I too longed for all these,
and though I tell myself that he is out there,
and I just have to wait patiently,
a part of me started to lose hope,
and started to embrace loneliness as a part of my life.
I too longed to have someone to love,
and though I tell myself that things will happen at its own timing,
and I just have to wait for the right timing,
a part of me started to lose trust in that matter,
and started to lose track of whatever timing there is,
and just living a day after a day without anticipating what's next in relationship.
Since when I became someone like this?
Jenny~
trying to complete the pending tasks and assignments,
trying to beat deadlines for this semester,
alone in this battle,
and longing for someone to at least called to ask if I am okay.
No matter how much I told myself that I don't really want to care about relationships,
deep inside,
it still matters a lot to me.
I, like all the other ladies out there,
wished to be embraced,
loved,
and cared for.
Wished that someone would call and asked if I am already sleeping,
or text to ask if I need anything
or tell me that I can do this and he will always be there to support me.
Wished that someone would send me food and drinks to boost my energy level while battling,
that someone would just ring my phone and tell me that he is here,
even without bringing anything,
just able to see him or listen to him would made my day or night even better.
I too longed for all these,
and though I tell myself that he is out there,
and I just have to wait patiently,
a part of me started to lose hope,
and started to embrace loneliness as a part of my life.
I too longed to have someone to love,
and though I tell myself that things will happen at its own timing,
and I just have to wait for the right timing,
a part of me started to lose trust in that matter,
and started to lose track of whatever timing there is,
and just living a day after a day without anticipating what's next in relationship.
Since when I became someone like this?
Jenny~
Unexpectedly,
I still recognize that familiar back,
that familiar sweater,
that familiar hairstyle,
and that familiar posture of yours.
I remember you.
And I still remember you.
I remember that back,
that back that I always stood behind whenever we were together.
That familiar sweater,
that sweater that you made sure I wore when we were out in the cinema or when you saw me shivered.
That familiar hairstyle that at one glance, I knew it's you no matter where you stood.
That familiar posture,
that posture that always reminded me of how we always sat together, talking about our future and the uncertainties,
the stories of your family and all the things you went through,
and the time when you just sat quietly next to me.
But somehow, it felt strange.
Strange to feel familiarity when you and I are not longer connected to one another.
Life is strange,
it could bring two strangers together and create the best moments in life,
and in a glimpse,
it could also break two person and become strangers,
losing the memories that have been created.
I guess I have to get used to this.
Get used to this familiar and yet, strange feelings.
Get used to someone that I used to know.
And getting used of feeling cold again.
Jenny~
Last night, I was having the worst meltdown ever.
I didn't know what to do,
I didn't what I was reading,
and I didn't what I was really doing.
I was sitting in front of my laptop,
trying to read and start completing my tasks,
when my brain just jammed and I was stuck there.
And that's when I felt like giving up,
I felt like why am I forcing myself to do all this,
I don't have anyone to prove myself,
I don't even have anyone that I could turn to and tell them all my woes,
I used to have one,
I used to have someone who would tried his best to cheer me up,
and gave me all the support I needed,
I used to have someone who tried to make me smile despite how gloomy my day was,
and surprised me with sudden outings, movies or even dessert time.
And now, he's gone.
At that moment, I suddenly felt fragile.
Everything and everyone is changing,
and for that one moment, I hated changes.
I wanted the old times back.
As foolish as it is, I wanted to go back to that time when I used to have someone at my side.
And I cried.
I cried hard.
And that's when I realised that all I need to do to feel better,
is to just to open up and let it all out.
I have been holding it down for quite some time,
and it is nice to show that broken side once in a while.
Today, I felt better after sleeping in.
I felt much better after letting all out.
I felt much better after those fragile moments and got my mind cleared.
Be fragile once in a while,
you can't act strong all the time.
Jenny~
I didn't know what to do,
I didn't what I was reading,
and I didn't what I was really doing.
I was sitting in front of my laptop,
trying to read and start completing my tasks,
when my brain just jammed and I was stuck there.
And that's when I felt like giving up,
I felt like why am I forcing myself to do all this,
I don't have anyone to prove myself,
I don't even have anyone that I could turn to and tell them all my woes,
I used to have one,
I used to have someone who would tried his best to cheer me up,
and gave me all the support I needed,
I used to have someone who tried to make me smile despite how gloomy my day was,
and surprised me with sudden outings, movies or even dessert time.
And now, he's gone.
At that moment, I suddenly felt fragile.
Everything and everyone is changing,
and for that one moment, I hated changes.
I wanted the old times back.
As foolish as it is, I wanted to go back to that time when I used to have someone at my side.
And I cried.
I cried hard.
And that's when I realised that all I need to do to feel better,
is to just to open up and let it all out.
I have been holding it down for quite some time,
and it is nice to show that broken side once in a while.
Today, I felt better after sleeping in.
I felt much better after letting all out.
I felt much better after those fragile moments and got my mind cleared.
Be fragile once in a while,
you can't act strong all the time.
Jenny~
Today, I went out for lunch with a close colleague of mine.
We talked about school stuffs and I mentioned about my neighbour who has a son,
and we laughed and teased around a bit about this new "good view",
when suddenly she asked about you.
She asked whether both of us contacted one another or not,
whether you find me during my birthday,
or whether we ever met up once in a while,
in which I answered, "No."
We talked about the reasons why you left,
why you decided to turn your back against me and failed to recognise me anymore,
and she asked,
why did I ever fall in love with you.
And that took me back to the time when you were the nicest,
sweetest,
kindest man that I ever met in my whole life.
The man who created sparks and joy,
The man who I would always go to whenever I need to talk or celebrate something,
and the man who I thought is finally the right one,
but things happened to be different at the end of the tunnel.
She asked me if one day you find me back,
apologise and tell me all the reasons on why you did this on the first place,
would I ever accept you back?
And this is my answer,
I will still reply your messages,
but I am too afraid to give you another chance.
I am scared to be hurt once more,
to feel insecurities all over again,
and to go through another depressing cycle.
Things happened for a reason.
You entered my life for a reason,
and you left for a reason which is unknown to me.
I am currently happy with my life,
excited on what is going to happen each day,
and always keeping faith that after you,
there will be another one,
who is waiting for me at the next turn.
Thank you for everything.
I loved you,
and I hated you.
Regardless of where you are, I wish you the happiness and joy of a lifetime.
Till we meet again as strangers.
Jenny~
We talked about school stuffs and I mentioned about my neighbour who has a son,
and we laughed and teased around a bit about this new "good view",
when suddenly she asked about you.
She asked whether both of us contacted one another or not,
whether you find me during my birthday,
or whether we ever met up once in a while,
in which I answered, "No."
We talked about the reasons why you left,
why you decided to turn your back against me and failed to recognise me anymore,
and she asked,
why did I ever fall in love with you.
And that took me back to the time when you were the nicest,
sweetest,
kindest man that I ever met in my whole life.
The man who created sparks and joy,
The man who I would always go to whenever I need to talk or celebrate something,
and the man who I thought is finally the right one,
but things happened to be different at the end of the tunnel.
She asked me if one day you find me back,
apologise and tell me all the reasons on why you did this on the first place,
would I ever accept you back?
And this is my answer,
I will still reply your messages,
but I am too afraid to give you another chance.
I am scared to be hurt once more,
to feel insecurities all over again,
and to go through another depressing cycle.
Things happened for a reason.
You entered my life for a reason,
and you left for a reason which is unknown to me.
I am currently happy with my life,
excited on what is going to happen each day,
and always keeping faith that after you,
there will be another one,
who is waiting for me at the next turn.
Thank you for everything.
I loved you,
and I hated you.
Regardless of where you are, I wish you the happiness and joy of a lifetime.
Till we meet again as strangers.
Jenny~
There are times when I felt unfair,
unfair on why some people could easily complain and get excused in work,
unfair on how people who don't really work still get recognition while those working their asses off aren't getting any,
unfair on why these people are still sitting in the office "working" while complaining about their work,
unfair on why they could simply use the terms such as "burnout", "stress" and "couldn't sleep at night" just because of an upcoming competition.
I am not a perfect person,
some people say that I am a crazy workaholic lady who takes upon all kinds of jobs,
but mind you,
I dont work for recognition,
I dont work for the sake of achieving fame,
I work for the sake of my school and my pupils,
I make things happen because I wanted to try new challenges,
I create new things in school because I have faith that things would work out even if it means that I have to stay back at school every afternoon,
I accept jobs because I was not given any choice to,
I tried rejecting jobs but who am I to say no when my big boss trusts me with more and more responsibilities each day.
There are days when I wished I could just stop and rest,
Days when I wished I could just go back home and sleep,
Days when I wished I don't have to do anything but to teach.
But I know that I couldn't stop myself from working.
Work has became my current obsession.
My place to escape reality.
My place to escape from the constant overthinking about things.
And my toxic happiness.
Therefore, before you complain about your endless work,
please step into someone else's shoes before even dare to declare that you are burnout.
Your attitude is what burns you down.
So walk the talk,
be the role model that you wish to be remembered with,
and not the person who only knows how to complain, reprimand and talk bad about someone else's work or achievements.
Jenny~
I remembered how I hated changes.
How I hated to move around and having to adjust at a new place.
How I hated to make new friends and leaving people whom I am comfortable.
How I always felt sad when change happened,
and how I always despised change.
But now,
I have finally brought myself to embrace change.
A change in the environment where I am staying,
Moving to a new place helped me to start over my life,
and renew myself again.
I thought I would miss the old place I stayed,
but I guess I am not.
I am glad to move out,
I am glad that I have the chance to start anew at a new place,
and leaving all the memories at the place where it should be.
A change with my attitude with people,
A change whereby I stopped clinging to people to be happy,
and starting to feel happy with loneliness that I am dealing with.
I am thankful and grateful that I found the new meaning of love,
where love should be first poured to myself,
where love should be treating myself well,
and love should be from within before it radiates to other people.
I finally stopped myself from chasing after love,
I finally stopped putting hopes and expectations to people I just met,
and finally, focusing on myself.
Change is inevitable.
Embrace change,
and fall in love with the process.
Jenny~
Happy birthday to me, myself and I.
26 has been a great year,
despite the ups and downs,
26 has been an eye opening age where I learnt a lot.
Learnt to embrace both happiness and sadness.
Learnt to let go when the time comes.
Learnt how to focus on myself more than anyone else.
Learnt to finally prioritise my time and happiness above all.
I am thankful for the people around me this year,
thankful to my parents who decided to drop by though it was a short weekend,
brought me food and offered me with much laughter, warmth and of course, lecture session.
I am thankful for my best friend,
who sent me presents despite not asking for it (this year!),
for just being there for me.
I am thankful for my colleagues who wished me good wishes,
who brought me out for a lunch treat,
who never fails to make me laugh my heart out,
or just being there to listen to my complaints at work as well as in personal life.
I am thankful for all my friends who wished me well,
Old friends who have kept me in company since primary and secondary school.
Old friends who are now a part of my family since IPG,
New friends whom I just met while doing my Masters program,
and new friends who brighten up my day though we were not very close in classes.
Thank you everyone.
Thank you for remembering,
Thank you for the well wishes,
and thank you for just being there.
27.
Let's create awesomeness.
Jenny~
26 has been a great year,
despite the ups and downs,
26 has been an eye opening age where I learnt a lot.
Learnt to embrace both happiness and sadness.
Learnt to let go when the time comes.
Learnt how to focus on myself more than anyone else.
Learnt to finally prioritise my time and happiness above all.
I am thankful for the people around me this year,
thankful to my parents who decided to drop by though it was a short weekend,
brought me food and offered me with much laughter, warmth and of course, lecture session.
I am thankful for my best friend,
who sent me presents despite not asking for it (this year!),
for just being there for me.
I am thankful for my colleagues who wished me good wishes,
who brought me out for a lunch treat,
who never fails to make me laugh my heart out,
or just being there to listen to my complaints at work as well as in personal life.
I am thankful for all my friends who wished me well,
Old friends who have kept me in company since primary and secondary school.
Old friends who are now a part of my family since IPG,
New friends whom I just met while doing my Masters program,
and new friends who brighten up my day though we were not very close in classes.
Thank you everyone.
Thank you for remembering,
Thank you for the well wishes,
and thank you for just being there.
27.
Let's create awesomeness.
Jenny~
Holidays have started and ended in a glimpse.
And this time, I spent my week long holiday back in UKM as I am still on my journey to get my Masters.
I didn't regret the choice as I was able to meet back my friends,
and experiencing hostel life again.
It does bring back a lot of memories,
especially when it is spent with close friends.
Before I went back to Miri,
I spent some time with one of my closest friends,
talking about what has been going on in my life and relationship,
and without noticing,
I was already telling her stories about that one man whom I encountered 10 years ago during my studies back in Keningau.
And all the memories came back to me like it had just happened the day before.
I could still remember his eyes,
his smiles,
his awkward gestures,
and most importantly, his sincerity.
I always wondered why I couldn't move past him though it has been 10 years already.
My friends especially my ex-roommate was also asking me the same thing as to why he always appear in our conversations whenever we talked about relationships.
And last night, it just hit me.
He is, was and always will be a part of my memory because of his sincerity,
because of how sincere he waited for me and always tried to be close to me though we were separated from one another,
about how he wasn't shy or embarrassed to leave his counter during work just to say hi to me.
and about how, miraculously, he appeared during the saddest moment of my life,
and turned it around.
He was the only guy that my heart and mind still remember every little detail,
He was the only guy that I could still remember his voice clearly,
and he was the only guy that grab hold of my heart until today.
I wish to see him again,
not to build any relationship,
but to thank him for the wonderful memories that he indirectly left for me,
as well as for being the benchmark of what kind of guy I am looking for in my life.
Seek a man who stares at you like he did,
at the most sincere manner,
Seek a man who is brave enough to come close to you,
without having any fear of being judged,
And seek a man who would always look after you without you noticing,
someone who could make you remember him for another 10 years.
Jenny~
And this time, I spent my week long holiday back in UKM as I am still on my journey to get my Masters.
I didn't regret the choice as I was able to meet back my friends,
and experiencing hostel life again.
It does bring back a lot of memories,
especially when it is spent with close friends.
Before I went back to Miri,
I spent some time with one of my closest friends,
talking about what has been going on in my life and relationship,
and without noticing,
I was already telling her stories about that one man whom I encountered 10 years ago during my studies back in Keningau.
And all the memories came back to me like it had just happened the day before.
I could still remember his eyes,
his smiles,
his awkward gestures,
and most importantly, his sincerity.
I always wondered why I couldn't move past him though it has been 10 years already.
My friends especially my ex-roommate was also asking me the same thing as to why he always appear in our conversations whenever we talked about relationships.
And last night, it just hit me.
He is, was and always will be a part of my memory because of his sincerity,
because of how sincere he waited for me and always tried to be close to me though we were separated from one another,
about how he wasn't shy or embarrassed to leave his counter during work just to say hi to me.
and about how, miraculously, he appeared during the saddest moment of my life,
and turned it around.
He was the only guy that my heart and mind still remember every little detail,
He was the only guy that I could still remember his voice clearly,
and he was the only guy that grab hold of my heart until today.
I wish to see him again,
not to build any relationship,
but to thank him for the wonderful memories that he indirectly left for me,
as well as for being the benchmark of what kind of guy I am looking for in my life.
Seek a man who stares at you like he did,
at the most sincere manner,
Seek a man who is brave enough to come close to you,
without having any fear of being judged,
And seek a man who would always look after you without you noticing,
someone who could make you remember him for another 10 years.
Jenny~
As she sat on her train watching the day passes her by,
she stared at the papers on her tables,
at the books that were scattered in front of her,
she looked at her place absent-mindedly
and wondered, how is her place became so messed up.
She wondered if all these stuffs would mean anything to her at the end of the day,
she was fighting with her inner self who kept trying to bring her back to truth,
to the truth that she had been trying her best to steer clear and far away with,
the truth that she still missed his presence even for one moment.
As she was sitting at her place, trying to figure out the meanings behind her papers,
she overheard someone talking about him,
she listened,
and unknowingly, she let out a sigh.
Her heart breaks a little when she heard about him,
about how he is right now,
about how happy he is as though as she had never existed in his memories.
She looked up,
and stood up.
She cleared her table,
and walked away.
Away from the truth,
away from the news about him,
away from the knowledge about him,
just away.
She hated herself for feeling anything for him.
She hated herself for even missing such a person.
Jenny~
I always imagined myself meeting you,
in different kind of situations,
in different kind of moods.
I always imagined myself being angry,
being cold,
being warm and happy,
expecting something in return when we meet.
But who would ever knew I would meet you,
in real life,
the other day?
It was devastating as someone you knew so well,
someone you have created so much memories with,
is now a stranger in front of you.
If you asked me how did I react with it,
I could tell you that my heart skipped a beat when I saw you from far.
I smiled even though I did not look into your eyes.
I thought that though we might no have contacted one another,
you would still remember me as a friend.
But you walked on, not noticing me,
and my smile disappeared.
I looked at my phone,
and thought of only one thing.
Why should I let the past to bother my present?
I am happy with the current situation,
I am happy with the peace that I have found from distancing myself from toxic relationships,
I am happy that I am loving myself, instead of hoping for attention from someone else to make me complete.
And with that thoughts,
I stood up at the end of the meeting and left,
without turning my back.
I drove away,
and telling myself that there is no point of waiting or even be sad about someone who have long ago replaced me with someone or something else.
I drove away,
heading to my comfort zone: work.
When your presence has left me with no feelings of pain or happiness,
When your presence has left me undisturbed,
and when your presence has left me with not even an inch of hope that you will be back into my life,
be known that you have now belonged to my past,
and now a stranger with memories.
Jenny~
in different kind of situations,
in different kind of moods.
I always imagined myself being angry,
being cold,
being warm and happy,
expecting something in return when we meet.
But who would ever knew I would meet you,
in real life,
the other day?
It was devastating as someone you knew so well,
someone you have created so much memories with,
is now a stranger in front of you.
If you asked me how did I react with it,
I could tell you that my heart skipped a beat when I saw you from far.
I smiled even though I did not look into your eyes.
I thought that though we might no have contacted one another,
you would still remember me as a friend.
But you walked on, not noticing me,
and my smile disappeared.
I looked at my phone,
and thought of only one thing.
Why should I let the past to bother my present?
I am happy with the current situation,
I am happy with the peace that I have found from distancing myself from toxic relationships,
I am happy that I am loving myself, instead of hoping for attention from someone else to make me complete.
And with that thoughts,
I stood up at the end of the meeting and left,
without turning my back.
I drove away,
and telling myself that there is no point of waiting or even be sad about someone who have long ago replaced me with someone or something else.
I drove away,
heading to my comfort zone: work.
When your presence has left me with no feelings of pain or happiness,
When your presence has left me undisturbed,
and when your presence has left me with not even an inch of hope that you will be back into my life,
be known that you have now belonged to my past,
and now a stranger with memories.
Jenny~
Today is the last day of January,
and heading into February.
A month has passed,
and yet, workloads seem to never cease.
It reaches to a point where I feel like shutting my phone,
locking myself in a room,
where there would not be any notification sounds,
no reminders,
and no alarms.
Working is exhausting.
I am exhausted physically and mentally.
No matter how I tried to look strong and happy,
inside me,
I know I am struggling.
Struggling to keep my head up,
to keep myself fighting through sadness,
loneliness,
desperation,
and disappointment.
I wish things would get better.
I wish that everything is going to be alright
eventually.
Jenny~
Every once in a while,
I caught myself talking about you.
Every once a while,
I caught myself smiling when thinking of all the things we did together.
How are you?
Have life been better without me in it?
Have you found that someone who cheer you up all the time,
accompanies you to watch your favourite movies,
sing with you in the car,
making silly jokes with her awkward antics,
share food and stories with you,
and gives you the ultimate reason to be happy?
How is your health?
Have you been taking your medication?
Have you been going for further check-ups?
Have everything been going better this year for you?
I wished I have the courage to ask all these to you,
I wished I have the strength to listen to the replies of all these,
but I do not have both courage and strength to do so.
I am afraid to fall back,
I am afraid to break apart again,
and I am afraid of losing myself to you again.
Good memories never left.
Memories of you were never extinguished.
No matter how much I tried,
pieces of you are still stuck in my heart.
Jenny~
I caught myself talking about you.
Every once a while,
I caught myself smiling when thinking of all the things we did together.
How are you?
Have life been better without me in it?
Have you found that someone who cheer you up all the time,
accompanies you to watch your favourite movies,
sing with you in the car,
making silly jokes with her awkward antics,
share food and stories with you,
and gives you the ultimate reason to be happy?
How is your health?
Have you been taking your medication?
Have you been going for further check-ups?
Have everything been going better this year for you?
I wished I have the courage to ask all these to you,
I wished I have the strength to listen to the replies of all these,
but I do not have both courage and strength to do so.
I am afraid to fall back,
I am afraid to break apart again,
and I am afraid of losing myself to you again.
Good memories never left.
Memories of you were never extinguished.
No matter how much I tried,
pieces of you are still stuck in my heart.
Jenny~
Candles were lit,
songs were sung,
she looked behind her,
and saw a group of people celebrating a kind of event,
a birthday.
She looked out her window,
and a thought passed by her.
It was his birthday.
A lost friend's birthday.
As she reached for her pen to write a message,
she stopped halfway.
He wouldn't remember her after all.
She is already a stranger,
a distant stranger after all.
She stared outside,
and slowly, those memories crept into her mind.
She brushed it off,
stood up,
and left her table to somewhere new.
And on her table,
she penned down,
"Happy birthday, stranger."
She walked off,
and headed to the train station.
She is determined to leave this place,
to a new place where she could build a new life,
a new hope and find new memories.
Goodbye, stranger.
Jenny.
songs were sung,
she looked behind her,
and saw a group of people celebrating a kind of event,
a birthday.
She looked out her window,
and a thought passed by her.
It was his birthday.
A lost friend's birthday.
As she reached for her pen to write a message,
she stopped halfway.
He wouldn't remember her after all.
She is already a stranger,
a distant stranger after all.
She stared outside,
and slowly, those memories crept into her mind.
She brushed it off,
stood up,
and left her table to somewhere new.
And on her table,
she penned down,
"Happy birthday, stranger."
She walked off,
and headed to the train station.
She is determined to leave this place,
to a new place where she could build a new life,
a new hope and find new memories.
Goodbye, stranger.
Jenny.
By the window,
she sat and stared out.
The burst of colours from the fireworks,
the crowd,
the joy and celebrations out there,
and yet,
she sat by the window,
on her own,
watching everything happening in front of her eyes.
Alone,
she picked up her notebook,
stood up and walked out of the cafe.
She kept walking and walking,
away from those crowd.
She knew that is not the place she wants to be,
that is not the crowd she wants to be surrounded with,
that is not the cure for her aching heart.
As she reached a corner,
she saw a little cafe with fairy lights on,
she walked inside,
and found herself a place,
a warm place that is away from the crowds,
a place where she could be on her own,
a place where she could start collecting pieces of herself,
mending it and putting it to where it belongs,
her heart.
Jenny~
she sat and stared out.
The burst of colours from the fireworks,
the crowd,
the joy and celebrations out there,
and yet,
she sat by the window,
on her own,
watching everything happening in front of her eyes.
Alone,
she picked up her notebook,
stood up and walked out of the cafe.
She kept walking and walking,
away from those crowd.
She knew that is not the place she wants to be,
that is not the crowd she wants to be surrounded with,
that is not the cure for her aching heart.
As she reached a corner,
she saw a little cafe with fairy lights on,
she walked inside,
and found herself a place,
a warm place that is away from the crowds,
a place where she could be on her own,
a place where she could start collecting pieces of herself,
mending it and putting it to where it belongs,
her heart.
Jenny~
2nd week of January,
and I am still surrounded with loads of works that are pending due to my final exams tomorrow.
Things have been great so far,
and I didn't have enough time to think of any other things aside from work and preparing myself for exams.
There isn't much going on lately,
life has been mundane so far,
waking up in the morning,
checking messages for works or studies,
preparing myself for another round of work and teaching,
returning home,
on my bed with my phone and my playlist on repeat,
dinner, work, and sleep.
Life has been that way on repeat.
It might sound boring to you,
but this is the life that I love.
The life where overthinking doesn't have any time to kick in,
where there are no dramas to entertain,
no lingering sadness after an outing,
no anticipation and expectation equals to no heartbreaks or disappointments.
Without all those elements in life right now,
I am happy to say that life is back to square one.
Without anyone special at my side,
I am glad to say that life has been moving on really well.
Leaving the spot has been a great choice after all.
Jenny~
This is going to be a late post on my New Year resolution.
Have been busy trying to catch up with workloads as well as the immense pressure of facing my final statistics exams in a couple of days.
2019 has kicked in and life has been getting busier each day.
With workloads from schools,
as well as trying to get used to being a class teacher to a bunch of kids,
and teaching after quite some time is something that I look forward to this year.
Life has been smooth sailing for now,
and I am somehow comfortable with how things are right now.
However, I knew the inner me,
deep inside,
I am still struggling to be okay.
There are a couple of times where I would just lie on my bed,
listening to songs,
and start to break down little by little.
I am not a strong person,
I am trying to be one.
I am not a happy-go-lucky kind of person,
I am struggling inside.
And there are times I don't acknowledge my pains and struggles,
instead of intoxicating myself with alcohol and drugs,
I intoxicate myself with works and studies.
And sooner or later,
I got addicted to it and couldn't run away from not doing anything.
Therefore, reflecting to my past year resolutions.
I realised that though I am indeed happy with all the events and things that happened around me,
I couldn't escape from expecting,
and at the end of the day, expectation does hurt but this time, it only hurts a bit.
I also realised that I couldn't stop myself from eating,
thus, explains the weight gain where I am shocked to see myself right now,
and intermittent fasting is something that I am training myself to do in order to cut down some weights.
And last but not least, I tried to enjoy each day as it passes,
and I realised that with the help of my colleagues and my pupils, each day passes really fast,
and I missed them all right now.
Therefore, my 2019 New Year resolutions would be as follows:
1. To work hard in both my career and studies.
2. To pick up a dance class for the sake of my career
3. To be happy regardless of what happens throughout the year.
4. To be less troubled with matters that are out of my control
May this year be a better year than before, and will produce extraordinary results by the end of the year!
Jenny~
Have been busy trying to catch up with workloads as well as the immense pressure of facing my final statistics exams in a couple of days.
2019 has kicked in and life has been getting busier each day.
With workloads from schools,
as well as trying to get used to being a class teacher to a bunch of kids,
and teaching after quite some time is something that I look forward to this year.
Life has been smooth sailing for now,
and I am somehow comfortable with how things are right now.
However, I knew the inner me,
deep inside,
I am still struggling to be okay.
There are a couple of times where I would just lie on my bed,
listening to songs,
and start to break down little by little.
I am not a strong person,
I am trying to be one.
I am not a happy-go-lucky kind of person,
I am struggling inside.
And there are times I don't acknowledge my pains and struggles,
instead of intoxicating myself with alcohol and drugs,
I intoxicate myself with works and studies.
And sooner or later,
I got addicted to it and couldn't run away from not doing anything.
Therefore, reflecting to my past year resolutions.
I realised that though I am indeed happy with all the events and things that happened around me,
I couldn't escape from expecting,
and at the end of the day, expectation does hurt but this time, it only hurts a bit.
I also realised that I couldn't stop myself from eating,
thus, explains the weight gain where I am shocked to see myself right now,
and intermittent fasting is something that I am training myself to do in order to cut down some weights.
And last but not least, I tried to enjoy each day as it passes,
and I realised that with the help of my colleagues and my pupils, each day passes really fast,
and I missed them all right now.
Therefore, my 2019 New Year resolutions would be as follows:
1. To work hard in both my career and studies.
2. To pick up a dance class for the sake of my career
3. To be happy regardless of what happens throughout the year.
4. To be less troubled with matters that are out of my control
May this year be a better year than before, and will produce extraordinary results by the end of the year!
Jenny~
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